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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed DH didn't work from home today

131 replies

lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 10:34

DH will often work from home if he's overslept. I would say at least 3 days a week he does this. His company policy is to be in the office at least three days a week and often he struggles to manage it. He's new so it makes it even worse he can't manage to get into the office. However, they do seem very flexible and so long as he gets his work done he seems ok so far.

DC (7 months old) has been down with a cold the past few days but the last couple of days I've been hit by a bad toothache. It's given me headaches and partially deaf in one ear. I'm hoping it's the toothache that's caused it anyway! DC woke every hour last night. DH slept in spare room. I messaged him to ask him to WFH today as I could really use the support. I woke up to see he's gone and he hasn't even messaged to see if we're ok. I am trying to not be annoyed but the day before he went to work and left everything where it was from the night before. He had to work late so I woke up to find crisp packet, drinks, glasses, cereal bowl all just left in the living room. When he got home yesterday he just went to bed (I guess because he had his all nighter with work).

I'm trying to rationalise that he cannot just WFH whenever but also know he clearly can given he does for no good reason every week.. AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:

Mariposista · 15/11/2023 12:10

SleepPrettyDarling · 15/11/2023 12:06

Nowhere does the op say that she does any of this when he works from home 2-3 days a week currently!

Show quote history

No but her reason for wanting him at home today is ‘to support’. He can’t do that - he’s working.

fishshop · 15/11/2023 12:16

Mariposista · 15/11/2023 12:10

No but her reason for wanting him at home today is ‘to support’. He can’t do that - he’s working.

Show quote history

he’d have had his commute time and lunch time at home, so would have been home ‘to support’

or do you think he would have shut himself in the home office bang on his commute time and not left until his imaginary commute period had elapsed?

it’s very clear what the OP was referring to, unless you are especially dense. She wasn’t expecting him to sack the day off and not do his job to parent the kids all day.

he’s very happy to ‘wfh’ and save his commute when he can’t listen to an alarm clock.

SecondUsername4me · 15/11/2023 12:19

I'm shocked at the fact that a parent of such a young child gets to regularly "oversleep"

Tell me he is doing the weekend early starts with the baby seeing as you seem yo do the weekdays?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 15/11/2023 12:26

it's distracting to have to help out at home while he's meant to be working -what support were you hoping for? if he only gets an hour break then surely thats the max help he could give!

wingingit1987 · 15/11/2023 12:28

He really needs to get a handle on things and get to the office on time- he can just oversleep constantly.

As someone who WFH time to to time and has a husband who regularly WFH- your husband should be 100% focussed on work if he is home and not helping out with looking after your wee one. He should treat it the exact same as an office day.

beanii · 15/11/2023 12:32

A grown man over sleeping and not making it in to the office 3 days a week?

He needs to grow up.

Also, your relationship isn't working - time to be honest with yourself.

jemenfous37 · 15/11/2023 12:35

Surely WFH does not mean you are caring for a child (unless childcare is your job)
What would you both do if your DH had a full-time in the office job and this situation arose?

Mazpaz · 15/11/2023 12:38

Not sure if you are expecting to much from your hubby. He has just started a new job . He needs support as well not constant demands. His managers may not always be lenient

CesareBorgia · 15/11/2023 12:44

If your husband is meant to be working from home, he can't be looking after your DC - he's supposed to be devoting himself to work as he would if in the office.

He could take emergency dependents' leave if it really is urgent but to be honest, a cold on your DC's part and toothache on yours wouldn't really seem to warrant someone else taking time off work.

NoSquirrels · 15/11/2023 12:48

I’d be more worried about “all-nighters” in a new job, the oversleeping/failure to set a proper in-office & WFH schedule, if I were you.

It sounds like he’s chaotic and it’s about to catch up with him. Does he have any issues with executive function?

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 15/11/2023 12:48

He sounds a bit useless to not be able to get up in time to go to the office.

And I wouldn't be happy with him leaving rubbish all over the place rather than throwing it in the bin.

However, it's not reasonable to ask him to wfh so he can help you. He's working.
If you're not able to look after your DC, he should stay off work (tbf I suspect he wouldn't do this either). He can't half arse it by saying he's wfh and then do some childcare.

poochperfect · 15/11/2023 12:50

I say this as someone who WFH full-time - we are not here to help with family and household chores. We actually have work to do.

If you wanted your DH to help, then he requests time off either a sick day or parental. It's a piss-take to say WFH to help.

You needn't worry because if he keeps sleeping in for work and can't manage his workload he will be sacked and home with you full-time.

steff13 · 15/11/2023 12:59

PinkRoses1245 · 15/11/2023 10:52

I'd be making him go in more actually, especially with a new job.

I agree. I'd be more concerned that he is so blasé about not meeting the expectation that he has to go to the office three days a week. Will you be ok if he loses his job?

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 15/11/2023 13:08

He's sounds useless from everything you're saying, not just not supportive but an irresponsible slob.

Both my sons have colds right now.
Ds2 (9 months) is struggling. The last three nights, I've seen every hour, first night of which was every 40 minutes. I'm shattered. No family nearby. DH has WFH this week to give me that extra support in the morning, at lunch and dinnertime. Little bits that make a big difference. Your DH is being selfish especially as he routinely works from home just from sleeping in late.

Edited to add - DH doesn't stop working to help me see. He does his normal hours. But I get an extra 90 minutes in the morning with his help, an hour at lunch, and he's home 90 minutes early (by cutting the travelling). So it makes a big difference to me.

JennyForeigner · 15/11/2023 13:10

Some of the 'wfh is WORK' stuff is wildly overcooked. We have a nanny. My husband and I take it in turns to wfm 2-3 days a week. Working from here doesn't mean we can't make her a cup of tea a couple of times a day or give her a break at lunchtime, it just means we can work another hour and still save on the cost and time of a horrible commute.

All I can say is that if people think you can't even be a reassuring presence while cracking on, you must all be hard work in the office, let alone at home.

Summermeadowflowers · 15/11/2023 13:12

YANBU @lavenderdillydilly but as much as I love my DH and I know he loves me and the children, I have come to realise and accept he WFH when it suits him, not us.

Original poster

lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 13:13

He called an hour ago to say he's only just seen my message and he can come home. I told him not to as I do agree with what everybody is saying about he should really be in the office especially given it's a new job. I do try to encourage him to go in on time and make sure he is in bed and not up into the early hours.

Someone asked what he's doing with his all nighters. Sometimes it is work but I would say 80% of the time it's TV. It's his way to de-stress. With respect to picking up after himself, he is usually helpful with housework but past few days he hasn't been much help - he has a couple of days here and there (maybe a.couple of days a month) where he is a complete slob. I think he is a bit depressed (new job wasn't exactly what he wanted). But he isn't very good at expressing his feelings.

OP posts:

kitsuneghost · 15/11/2023 13:14

How could he support you if he is working from home?
He wouldn't be available regardless of location.

rwalker · 15/11/2023 13:14

i think it’s a bit unfair to ask someone to wfh because u want help

there working
you can’t help and work at the same time

if someone is working from home the need to be left alone to work they have a job to do irrelevant where there based

Original poster

lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 13:16

And on the days he works from home, he is definitely helpful in that he will have DC during lunch. He'll play with her before work starts.

Also, once DC starts working, he can sort of disappear forever ie. 6pm will come and go and won't realise (whether in the office or at home) and so on office days he's home around 9pm/10pm whereas at least when he's working from home he is literally in the house at 6pm. It isn't a workload thing, he just gets really into his work. People in his team don't work all round the clock etc.

Edit: and what I mean by this is, I don't expect him to be available during core work hours when he's working from home but at least he will be available a lot sooner than when he's in the office ie. after 6pm

OP posts:

Gowlett · 15/11/2023 13:24

It’s a bit bullshit saying, oh he’s working when WFH so how can he make you a cup of tea!!!???
When lots of women (and men) enjoy the flexibility of WFH in terms of school runs / housework etc…

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/11/2023 13:25

I would think this is more of a reason for him to go to the office as it sounds like he wouldn’t be able to give work his full focus if at home with everything going on.
he needs to decide based on the work he has on where he needs to be, you are not his employer so cannot dictate that.
try to just accept it and not be annoyed with him.

Canisaysomething · 15/11/2023 13:28

It’s easy for work home life to merge when you are working from home. But if you don’t both put some boundaries and rules in place, before you know it you’ll both be overly reliant on each other and neither of you will be achieving very much. It’s really important for both of you to have some structure including time to unwind away from home.

fishshop · 15/11/2023 13:30

Gowlett · 15/11/2023 13:24

It’s a bit bullshit saying, oh he’s working when WFH so how can he make you a cup of tea!!!???
When lots of women (and men) enjoy the flexibility of WFH in terms of school runs / housework etc…

People just absolutely love to stick the boot in when a woman expects bare minimum from her husband or partner. How dare she.

Two home workers in this house on different time tables. We happily stick a wash on, sort the kids out before work begins to help the main caregiver that morning, use it as an opportunity to come in promptly and do bedtime. Sometimes…the worker even makes a cup of tea for the one with the kids 😱

It’s very clear that the OP’s husband has a similarly flex schedule. It’s right there in the OP.

Mycatmax · 15/11/2023 13:30

Why is he staying up so late that he can’t get to work in the morning?

Alcohol? Porn?

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