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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH didn't work from home today

131 replies

lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 10:34

DH will often work from home if he's overslept. I would say at least 3 days a week he does this. His company policy is to be in the office at least three days a week and often he struggles to manage it. He's new so it makes it even worse he can't manage to get into the office. However, they do seem very flexible and so long as he gets his work done he seems ok so far.

DC (7 months old) has been down with a cold the past few days but the last couple of days I've been hit by a bad toothache. It's given me headaches and partially deaf in one ear. I'm hoping it's the toothache that's caused it anyway! DC woke every hour last night. DH slept in spare room. I messaged him to ask him to WFH today as I could really use the support. I woke up to see he's gone and he hasn't even messaged to see if we're ok. I am trying to not be annoyed but the day before he went to work and left everything where it was from the night before. He had to work late so I woke up to find crisp packet, drinks, glasses, cereal bowl all just left in the living room. When he got home yesterday he just went to bed (I guess because he had his all nighter with work).

I'm trying to rationalise that he cannot just WFH whenever but also know he clearly can given he does for no good reason every week.. AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Original poster
lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 19:19

Loubelou14 · 15/11/2023 19:07

I'd be more upset he didn't check I was ok and despite knowing I wasn't well left mess for me to clean.

I was upset about that too. He does ask how I am when he's been back from work etc how I am

OP posts:
Original poster
lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 19:19

LaurieStrode · 15/11/2023 14:15

This x1000.

He's not much of a partner. What age is he? Does he have any ambition whatsoever?

Show quote history

He is 44

OP posts:
Matronic6 · 15/11/2023 19:19

2jacqi · 15/11/2023 18:38

@lavenderdillydilly sorry but you sound like the reason why many employers state that wfm does not work!! how can your DP help you if he is working????

If someone is working from home they don't have to get up as early to get ready or commute to work. They can literally help around the house until work begins. Likewise for finishing and even their lunch hour, they can use to provide a bit of relief and help.

My partner works from home 3 days a week and literally saves 6 hours. He makes the most of every non work minute to do things around the house like putting on washing, emptying the dishwasher, handling bills etc. The extra time he saves makes a big difference.

Findinganewme · 15/11/2023 19:26

I think the issues are deeper than you describe;

  1. as a grown man, why can’t he show up for work even 3 days a week
  2. why is he leaving a mess for you to clear up? That’s the behaviour of a messy child.
  3. it’s hurtful that he didn’t even ask about you. Why didn’t he…is he worried that you’ll tell him that you’re not ok and he will be cornered into staying at home? Or is it because he generally is not considerate about your well-being.
  4. You need a break too. I’m absolutely horrified by the number of people in the world, who believe that just because a mum is not earning a salary out there, she just has to keep going 24/7. This is obscene. You are human. You have toothache. Your baby is poorly. He should step up, give you some reprieve.
JaneFarrier · 15/11/2023 19:52

@lavenderdillydilly I think you'd do right to investigate the ADHD aspect. I am very like your DH - struggle horribly with mornings, tend to work late if I get into a flow/hyperfocus state because I lose track of time, extreme night owl, tend to stay up too late binge-watching TV or reading too late...

I do most probably have ADHD (I'm partway through the process of getting an assessment). The weight off my mind that I might not just be disorganised and weak-willed... it's amazing and in itself has helped.

I am a woman. I also more or less successfully fight these tendencies - I do get up to get the kids out for school, have a job with flexi-time so I am insulated against the occasional slightly later start, and generally have strategies. I've never been fired, but would love to be more efficient and effective. I'm sure my husband would love it too.

ADHD would never have occurred to me, but two of my friends got diagnosed in middle age and told me about it. I had all the same problems they did.

MsRosley · 15/11/2023 22:25

I have family members with ADHD. It absolutely does not account for OP's DH's shitty attitude in buggering off when she needs his help. Lack of empathy or support is the major issue here.

Shoemadlady · 15/11/2023 22:41

Think this isa Deeper issue. You sound like you feel unsupported and like you're having to clean up / look after another grown up. All of the above is frustrating and leads to resentment. He could have done you a favour and wfh today to try and give you some respite but he chose not to when you needed him. You need to have an open conversation about this now and get it nipped in the bud. Believe me, it only gets worse if you don't pull him now x

JaneFarrier · 16/11/2023 02:56

@MsRosley yes, I think that's a separate issue - but she did say he says he missed the message, and offered to come back once he'd seen it. It doesn't sound as if he leant into it, at least.

Oblomov23 · 16/11/2023 03:23

There are so many problems here. Him staying up all night watching tv being the main one!

Badgrief · 16/11/2023 04:00

I think you need to encourage your DH to improve his timekeeping. He needs to go to bed at a sensible time, to get enough sleep to meet his work's expectations. If you contact him at 5.00/5.30 that will help him to finish work at a reasonable time. He will still be able to WFH some days, again starting and ending at a proper hour. Hopefully he will be less tired and enjoy his job more and have more flexibility about WFH days if he has a few 'in the bank'. Not getting enough sleep makes everything else harder to deal with.

Atthe · 16/11/2023 06:46

It is definitely not your job to make sure a grown adult man goes to bed on time and wakes up for work in the morning!

My partner worked from home until my daughter was about 9 months and I found it helpful having him there. Even if it was just to keeps eyes on her whilst I pop to the loo!

HelenTherese2 · 16/11/2023 09:43

He’s got a new job. It’s exhausting having a new job. You say he’s working all-nighters as well. No wonder he’s struggling to get up.

My workplace has a strict policy on being in work when we are supposed to. If he’s struggled to make the quota in the past, perhaps he’s been warned and is making sure that he does go in. It sounds like he’s under a lot of pressure and is trying to provide for your family financially.

If you needed support at home you should have asked him to take leave not WFH. You therefore ABU.

Ilovesmesomefriedchicken · 16/11/2023 12:13

You need to stop facilitating this behaviour. Dont clean up after him, dont take on all of the household & parenting duties alone. Sleeping in the spare room to avoid shared parenting is disgusting sepfish behaviour. Everything should be shared equally, you're not his mum, youre not a cleaner/housekeeper and you are not a single parent!

you need to communicate this to him, that its either a fair partnership with parenting & household duties split equally or its nothing. It drives me mad when people allow & facilitate this behaviour from their "partners" and complain about it to other people. You need to set a standard or get rid of him.

SequentialAnalyst · 16/11/2023 17:31

@Ilovesmesomefriedchicken While I take your point, I feel I should add something to this sentence from your post.
You need to set a standard or get rid of him.

From my own experience, and from reading many many MN threads, sometimes people are trapped. I was trapped by joint kids, joint house ownership, and my own illness, with a man who would not step up. (I did divorce him, with the help of MN, but it wasn't until the DC, who I had in my 30s, had become adults, and I had inherited from my DF.)

I was grateful to several, carefully chosen, friends, who allowed me to have a good moan. Which helped me, even though I couldn't change my situation in a material way.

stichguru · 16/11/2023 17:44

"DH will often work from home if he's overslept. I would say at least 3 days a week he does this. His company policy is to be in the office at least three days a week and often he struggles to manage it. He's new so it makes it even worse he can't manage to get into the office. "

So there are two days where he can work from home if he doesn't have anything that he has to do in the office. He sometimes breaks this rule, if he oversleeps and his choice is to be late for doing whatever he needs to do in person, or being on-time but doing it remotely. The day in question, he should have been in, woke up in time to go in, so went in. It is NOT unreasonable to be annoyed when someone does the wrong thing, but he's done the right thing so no reason for you to be annoyed at all. Even if he's been working from home, he's have been working, so would not have been available to help you. Maybe you needed him to take leave, but you can't be annoyed at him for not being a mind reader.

DSN88 · 16/11/2023 19:09

He probably wanted to go into work to get work done (considering he had to stay up late to do it) and knew that being in the house with a poorly baby and wife would demand attention from him and he’d get less work done. My husband works from home (as do I) and once our child’s home from school (I finish just in time for school finish) it is really difficult to not call on him for help. I forget he’s still working and it’s not fair on him or his company, to pester him (which I do sometimes….he’s there). The days he is at the office, not a lot I can do and parenting’s all on me. When our little one was a baby, he actually hired a work space so he could get space away from me getting frustrated etc or from baby crying. If the mess isn’t a regular occurrence then it’s probably just him tired from work and as men do, assumes you’ll be home all day and can clear it (annoying but reality).

Pinkfluff76 · 16/11/2023 19:32

Your husband sounds like a selfish wanker. I don’t know who all these people are who you think YABU! Hope you feel better soon and good luck

cockadoodledandy · 16/11/2023 20:12

I think I’d be more worried about him losing his job. If a fully grown adult can’t get up to the point that he’s late for work several days a week then he either needs to grow up or see a doctor. He’s probably on probation still and doesn’t sound like he can afford to drop his performance.

Working from home is not being there to help with the kids. In fact many contracts prohibit you from working from home with young children as it prevents you from being able to actually work.

YANBU to want some support, but YABU to think he doesn’t have to put his job first.

Justanothermum42 · 16/11/2023 21:48

I’d seriously reconsider the relationship.

cockadoodledandy · 16/11/2023 22:05

Justanothermum42 · 16/11/2023 21:48

I’d seriously reconsider the relationship.

Because he prioritised going to work (something he's contractually obligated to do and by the sounds of things isnt performing very well to start with) over staying at home to help OP care for the children?

wokbun · 16/11/2023 22:09

Sorry but he's new, he needs to be sticking to the rules for the absolute minimum. If anything he should go in more to get trained efficiently. Exception being if you couldn't look after your child or you also work and then you take it in turns to have the hit

Justanothermum42 · 16/11/2023 22:45

Because he slept in the spare room and didn’t check in on them! Or do you find this perfectly acceptable behavior? You don’t think it’s a bit odd that on one occasion he is asked to help, he chooses to simply ignore the request and go to work on time?

cockadoodledandy · 16/11/2023 22:56

Justanothermum42 · 16/11/2023 22:45

Because he slept in the spare room and didn’t check in on them! Or do you find this perfectly acceptable behavior? You don’t think it’s a bit odd that on one occasion he is asked to help, he chooses to simply ignore the request and go to work on time?

If my partner and child were poorly enough to have to sleep separately from
them, it’s quite clear that my sleep is important. If I was also concerned about my performance in a new job and maybe worried about losing it, absolutely no way would I want to stay wfh with a poorly child and a wife who clearly doesn’t appreciate that work means work not domestic chores.

if I knew they’d been up all night poorly, waking them up to ask how they were is the last thing I’d do. Especially if I suspected she’d try to guilt me into working from home even though she knows I need to go to the office.

I genuinely wonder sometimes whether there was a ‘how to be supremely entitled and offended about absolutely everything that doesn’t go my way’ class that I missed out on after I’d had my daughter. Maybe it was on the following weekend when I was readmitted.

Concannon88 · 17/11/2023 02:10

Yes its unreasonable to expect him to stay home to support you. Working from home is exactly that, work. He does sound lazy though and I wouldbt be surprised if hes sacked , so dont encourage him to slack off.

Ilovecleaning · 17/11/2023 09:47

I absolutely HATE these men-children.

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