To be annoyed DH didn't work from home today

[lavenderdillydilly]

DH will often work from home if he's overslept. I would say at least 3 days a week he does this. His company policy is to be in the office at least three days a week and often he struggles to manage it. He's new so it makes it even worse he can't manage to get into the office. However, they do seem very flexible and so long as he gets his work done he seems ok so far.

DC (7 months old) has been down with a cold the past few days but the last couple of days I've been hit by a bad toothache. It's given me headaches and partially deaf in one ear. I'm hoping it's the toothache that's caused it anyway! DC woke every hour last night. DH slept in spare room. I messaged him to ask him to WFH today as I could really use the support. I woke up to see he's gone and he hasn't even messaged to see if we're ok. I am trying to not be annoyed but the day before he went to work and left everything where it was from the night before. He had to work late so I woke up to find crisp packet, drinks, glasses, cereal bowl all just left in the living room. When he got home yesterday he just went to bed (I guess because he had his all nighter with work).

I'm trying to rationalise that he cannot just WFH whenever but also know he clearly can given he does for no good reason every week.. AIBU to be annoyed?

All this bollocks about “needing to be focussed on work 100% of the time when wfh”… Quite apart from commute time and lunch hour, office workers regularly take breaks to get a drink/chat to a colleague/smoke/whatever. The idea that someone wfh can’t take 5mins here and there is ridiculous. And that can be enormously helpful to someone in pain and dealing with a v small child.

OP’s DH can work from home when it suits his lazy ass, but not when he might be able to alleviate the pressure on his ill wife, even just a bit. I’d be very unimpressed.

Is his commute 3hrs each way? Wfh he stops at 6pm but if he works jn the office he isn't home til 9/10pm is that right?

No, his commute is about 90min door to door. I'm just saying come 5.30-6pm most people in his team would leave the office but DH can be very focussed so he often doesn't leave the office until around 7.30pm or when I message to ask what time I should expect him home. I think the working late is a hang over from his previous job.

I get why you asked him and know what you mean about having a bit of support while you are not feeling well. He could have got his whole day of work done, but been around to help you instead of commuting and been around to help during his lunch time/breaks. If he can work at home when he wants to, I don’t think it is too much to ask that he works from home to give a bit of extra time to help his I’ll wife around his work.

BUT, I think the biggest problem is as everyone else has already picked up on. Why can’t he get out of bed in the morning, why he is watching tv late in to the night and why he isn’t picking up after himself.
hope you are feeling better soon OP.

He sounds like a selfish twat. To not even reply and say “sorry have to go in” but see if you’re ok? Although if he can generally work from home when he likes, it sounds like he has just chosen to, doesn’t it.

Also he sounds like a teenager leaving rubbish everywhere and not able to get up for work. That would give me massive ick.

I get it @lavenderdillydilly ! I don’t expect DH to do full childcare when he WFH, he takes his job very seriously and I respect that, I also don’t do childcare when I am WFH and obviously have full time childcare.

However, I’m on maternity leave now and I was sick last week as was the baby. I asked my DH to WFH, that way when he was taking lunch I had a nap. I also had a couple of minutes every now and then where he held the baby.

He works well into the night and his employer gets way more hours from him but flexiblity is a benefit and one we need now.

He does need to comply by his organisations policies though. Sleeping in, is not really a good excuse.

It sounds to me like he's just got an extreme 'night owl' body clock. Struggling to get up combined with getting into flow late afternoon / early evening and not wanting to stop.
It's not possible to change this as a natural tendency but a daylight spectrum alarm clock can really help, as can making sure he gets lots of daylight on waking up in the morning. He should speak to his work about flexible hours so that if he's late to get up he goes in anyway to ensure he's present in the office enough days.

YANBU to feel pissed off by your DH today or any other day, he seems to be very lazy.

YAVU to expect him thinking in other human being that is not himself according with your description of his behaviour.

Only amongst the bitter and twisted...

@lavenderdillydilly I hope he lets you have a lie-in at the weekend. You must be shattered. You just feel so resentful of men getting a full sleep - you have to get up with the baby and yet he can't get up for work!

Maybe he had to go in today? If he did wfh on Monday and Tuesday, then he'd have to go in to make his days up? Does he realise he's on probation and has no employment rights whatsoever? I would say he is skating on thin ice.

WFH doesn't mean you are tied to your desk all day either, for those who don't understand that. You are allowed to make yourself a cuppa, you don't have to leave the house so early and get back later, you have a lunch break. You could supervise the baby when he's asleep and let the OP have some rest.

None of things would impinge on your presenteeism or your productivity.

Glad you agree, fishshop. WFH is a good thing for families.

This x1000.

He's not much of a partner. What age is he? Does he have any ambition whatsoever?

^This!!

Nobody is focussed 100% of the time at work!!

Ironically the ones whinging about people WFH are probably the biggest gossips and time-wasters in the office - the type who make a huge song and dance about how they're "flat out" while doing precisely sweet FA.

Presenteeism is a dead duck, dinosaurs!!

ah i see what you mean now

yes i agree about the no commute helping - my partners wfh days i love because he's free at the dot of half 5 to help start dinner / help with toddler etc - days at the office it's all a rush - home at 6.30/7 - have to do bath / bed with daughter straight away and dinner is much later

YABU. WFH is not your decision.

There are other red flags there, but his job, he chooses where he works from.

I’m sorry about your tooth and earache! This is very off topic but your DH kind of sounds like he has ADHD (difficulty managing time in mornings and getting to office even though it’s really important and the getting into hyperfocus and staying too late at work).

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned ADHD - has he ever talked to somebody about these issues with executive functioning? Adults with undiagnosed ADHD are often dismissed as useless, immature slobs as your husband has been in this thread so it might be worth looking into if he hasn't. He could just be lazy, of course, but I didn't quite get that vibe from your post. It seems there's something going on that means he's finding it hard to stay on top of things, and you both deserve to have two functional adults in the family. He needs to develop better coping strategies so his career and home life don't continue to suffer.

DH will often work from home if he's overslept. I would say at least 3 days a week he does this. His company policy is to be in the office at least three days a week and often he struggles to manage it

Well given how crap his work ethic seems to be (for a new job as well - hope this doesn't count against him in his probation period) are you really surprised?

I think him not WFH is the least of your problems.

He sounds like a teenager!

You should think very carefully about whether you are happy living with a man who can't even manage to get himself out of bed in the morning to go to work.

He's only just started the job, they expect him to be in the office 3 days a week, and he's taking the piss already. Has he passed his probation period?

Most flexible companies understand that if you have a sick child you might want to WFH. The issue is that you have to earn the trust of your bosses to do this kind of thing, and you do that by coming in when you're expected to 99% of the time. The worrying thing is that he hasn't been doing that and he seems to be struggling to do that. Terrible work ethic. Is this a long-standing issue of his? It impacts you, because it means he can't ask for leeway when he needs it to support you and your child.

I agree with another poster that this has a whiff of ADHD about it. It may of course not be the case here but worth considering if he has any other potential indicators.

He sounds quite low drive and lazy so I understand your frustration- but I dont think its a bad thing for him to go into the office if there are going to be lots of distractions at work today- he is being paid to do a job.

I sincerely hope you have a job to go back to OP, because I'd not want to be reliant on this one to hold down the job that kept us all!
If the plan is for you to do the childcare and domestics while he works then he needs to up his game and do what his employers expect from him. He seems to see life as a bit of a jolly where the only time you need to stir yourself is when you absolutely have no choice.

I completely agree.

OP you are setting your bar very low.

He is a grown adult who is more than capable of getting up on time and cleaning up after himself, like you and the rest of us are.

He doesn't sound the type to be disciplined enough to WFH - you're not wrong to be upset that he couldn't help, but he needs to focus on keeping his job and building some good work habits.

So now you know how to get him off his arse and out of the house. Be ill or ask him for help.

What a shit husband.