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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking a trip after daughter had accident

376 replies

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 22:55

My daughter fell over and really injured herself, so is unable to get around without any kind of assistance. My husband had booked a golf trip with his friends prior to this happening and he still wants to go and leave me with both kids for nearly a week. It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to juggle all school pick ups and everything else that entails! I work full time and have a side job. I really wanted to know, AIBU?!

OP posts:
Whiteday · 15/11/2023 09:09

margotrose · 15/11/2023 08:52

The point is that neither of them should be having time away when their five year old has had a serious break and is in a wheelchair.

Why not?

Yes, a broken leg requires a bit more work and planning but it's perfectly manageable for a week.

So should cancelling your golf trip be perfectly fine.

Bloom15 · 15/11/2023 09:13

Canisaysomething · 14/11/2023 23:34

Note to self: never take up golf, it’s a sport for arseholes.

It really is. I had an ex-bf who played. He was a dickhead and the golf added to his dickishness to be honest.

YANBU OP - he shouldn't need to asked to cancel this trip

RockyRoadster · 15/11/2023 09:14

pootleq5 · 15/11/2023 06:48

I wonder how many people posting have dealt with a child in a full leg cast. OP have you checked that they will actually have your dd in school, does school have stairs or is it all on one level? Does it have accessible bathrooms, will they help her with toileting , they will need to do a full risk assessment . I would assume she will not be in school full time .
Will she fit in the car, if the leg is straight then she may have to be in the front seat .
if she is zimmer or wheelchair then she probably is non weight bearing, crutches are actually very difficult for five year olds as she would need to be able to support her full weight on her arms, they also increase the risk of falls .
Can you comfortably lift her , she will need carrying a fair bit , also sleeping etc is probably going to be patchy , the itching tends to be worse at night.

of course people deal with worse but even my workaholic dh would have been there at night.

I agree with all these points about school. When we were in a similar situation, DD was only allowed into school for half days and had to be accompanied by either me or DH in case she needed to use the loo. And we had to fight for her to be allowed in at all!

Smugandproud · 15/11/2023 09:17

I wonder how many pp's actually know how heavy a plaster cast is. My dgs had one as a tiny baby and it really made a difference to lifting him.
Add in the extra care needed for toileting, washing and dressing, it's no easy task.
I do think op's dh should have checked how op felt about the trip in these circumstances.

Bingobatman · 15/11/2023 09:17

It’s hard to say without all of the details. If it were the other way round in our household, my DH would make sure I went on my paid-for and probably highly anticipated trip with friends no matter how tough he knew it would be. I would do the same for him. However this is based on a relationship where we have past form for helping each other out even if it means more difficulties in the short-term and we have a good measure of respect and concern for each other more generally.
The fact that he’s gone over your anniversary and what he said about it suggests a level of selfishness - if this is his usual attitude then I’d say YANBU.

margotrose · 15/11/2023 09:19

So should cancelling your golf trip be perfectly fine

I wouldn't ask my partner to cancel a long-awaited holiday over a 5yo's broken leg unless I physically couldn't lift them or care for them alone.

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 09:21

margotrose · 15/11/2023 09:19

So should cancelling your golf trip be perfectly fine

I wouldn't ask my partner to cancel a long-awaited holiday over a 5yo's broken leg unless I physically couldn't lift them or care for them alone.

Oh you know the man in question? A long awaited holiday? 😂

You probably don't ask because your partner would just say no, some of us have much better partners and higher standards!

SpareHeirOverThere · 15/11/2023 09:24

Marriage should be a partnership - if it's not about supporting each other through life, then I'm not sure what it's for.

So you would ideally approach this like a team. DH has a trip planned that he's looking forward to, but now there is the extra difficulty of an injured child.

I would try to figure out how I can let him go on his trip, as he has so often supported me. He would help me figure this out - can a friend help with pick-ups for a week? Can I take a one-week break from the second job? Any family to help, or someone we could hire? He would sort that part - as it's about helping me to let him go on his trip. He would set up a cleaner/babysitter or arrange help from family.

But if dh had been a nonstop twat about dumping life admin and dc troubles on me, never helping... then I would want the trip cancelled and a divorce. Because I am not in a good marriage.

margotrose · 15/11/2023 09:25

@Whiteday he wouldn't say no, but I also wouldn't ask unless it was absolutely necessary because that's how I'd want to be treated myself 🤷‍♀️

At least I haven't felt the need to chuck persona insults around though hey? 🙄

And yes, a long awaited holiday - don't all holidays fall into that category?!

GoingDownLikeBHS · 15/11/2023 09:27

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 23:39

I didn’t want to add because not sure if relevant but it’s also over our wedding anniversary, which he said was fine because we never celebrate anyway :(

Why would you celebrate being married to this selfish bastard?

SamuelDJackson · 15/11/2023 09:31

Does he not see supporting both his children is needed here? - not just the practical stuff that hes dumping on the OP but that his 5 year old is likely over the course of this week to be in pain or discomfort, itchy, not sleeping, upset, frustrated, and very possibly anxious and worried while she copes with it all, and her sibling is also having to go through a lot of adjustments. Does he not see how much both of his children could do with 2 parents present at a time like this if possible. not just for the physical and organizational stuff but the emotional ,psychological, reassurance, attention and care? Experiences of illness as a child are often formative and can have long lasting consequences, and I cant imagine not wanting to be there or making life easier and better for my children in that situation

I would understand reluctantly going on an essential work trip in these circumstances if the consequence was job loss - but cant see how a hobby holiday with friends could possibly be more important than making sure both his children got the support they needed in the circumstances?

margotrose · 15/11/2023 09:31

If it were the other way round in our household, my DH would make sure I went on my paid-for and probably highly anticipated trip with friends no matter how tough he knew it would be. I would do the same for him.

This is my view as well.

However I don't think the anniversary is particularly relevant because he was going on that date before the broken leg occurred. But I also don't think missing an anniversary is a huge deal in an otherwise good marriage.

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 09:31

margotrose · 15/11/2023 08:52

The point is that neither of them should be having time away when their five year old has had a serious break and is in a wheelchair.

Why not?

Yes, a broken leg requires a bit more work and planning but it's perfectly manageable for a week.

It's up to the OP to decide whether it is manageable or not, not her husband, you, or any random people on the internet who may have never had to deal with this situation before.

If the OP feels it isn't manageable, or it seriously changes the balance of what she will be expected to cope with while her husband is away compared to what she anticipated it would be like when he booked the trip, he shouldn't go.

MsRosley · 15/11/2023 09:39

FelicityFlops · 14/11/2023 23:00

That is life. Get over it!

Honestly, can you imagine a situation where a woman would get away with fucking off on a trip with her buddies when her daughter is injured immobile and the dad has two jobs to do as well as cope with it all?

No, I didn't think so.

Ofcourseshecan · 15/11/2023 09:40

I can’t believe 35% think YABU!

Of course he should stay and help in this unforeseen crisis. Not only because he has no right to leave you to struggle alone, but even more importantly, what human being would want to leave their own child in such a state?

He is a total shit. As for wedding anniversaries, I wouldn’t feel like celebrating being married to him.

SamuelDJackson · 15/11/2023 09:42

FelicityFlops · 14/11/2023 23:00

That is life. Get over it!

It is life - and he should just get over it
His hobby plans might have to change because of unexpected events like illness and injury

WickedSerious · 15/11/2023 09:42

You had me at 'golf' OP.

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 09:51

margotrose · 15/11/2023 09:31

If it were the other way round in our household, my DH would make sure I went on my paid-for and probably highly anticipated trip with friends no matter how tough he knew it would be. I would do the same for him.

This is my view as well.

However I don't think the anniversary is particularly relevant because he was going on that date before the broken leg occurred. But I also don't think missing an anniversary is a huge deal in an otherwise good marriage.

You don't seem to think any sort of bad behaviour is an issue!

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 09:52

margotrose · 15/11/2023 09:25

@Whiteday he wouldn't say no, but I also wouldn't ask unless it was absolutely necessary because that's how I'd want to be treated myself 🤷‍♀️

At least I haven't felt the need to chuck persona insults around though hey? 🙄

And yes, a long awaited holiday - don't all holidays fall into that category?!

Of course they bloody don't GrinGrinGrin

A golf trip = long awaited holiday 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Xiaoxiong · 15/11/2023 09:54

DS1 broke his leg when he was not much younger than your DD and was in traction and then home in a hip spica, and we had baby DS2 as well that I was still nursing (and we were both working). DH not only split the sleeping in the hospital 3 ways with me and my Mum but took as much time off work as he could while DS1 was in his cast, cooked, cleaned, read to him, took him to the toilet (he could lift DS1 in the cast to the loo, whereas neither my mum or I could do it alone), played endless trains with him, etc.

I just asked him to imagine if one of us had had a fun trip planned and taken the trip while DS1 had been home in his cast and he just said he couldn't imagine even wanting to be anywhere else, let alone enjoying himself, as he wouldn't have been able to think about anything else.

(We don't celebrate anniversaries either!)

Datafan55 · 15/11/2023 10:02

I spent a few weeks in just an ankle cast as an adult at my parents house. It was a nightmare! They were knackered as I was as weak as a kitten. Bathing, getting to the kitchen to get drinks, being waited on, appts with the fracture clinic... The strain is not to be underestimated.
(thankfully it was a bungalow)

SunshineAutumnday · 15/11/2023 10:02

It would be great if he cancelled golf week but he hasn't... for whatever (selfish) reason.

I would look at things that will make your life easier whilst he's away and store if for future reference. Also book yourself a pamper spa or similar in the future. Ask friends/family if they can help with school pick up.

Send yourself some flowers on your anniversary, do things that make you and your children happy the week he's away.

rainbowstardrops · 15/11/2023 10:06

Why would you celebrate being married to this selfish bastard?*

Quite!!!! I'd celebrate by passing him a solicitor's letter!

justkeepchanging · 15/11/2023 10:09

I wouldn't cancel a trip in these circumstances and wouldn't expect dh to either, it will be tough but sometimes life is.

PeppermintMandy · 15/11/2023 10:12

My DH would offer not to go but I would absolutely insist that he does.

You agreed to the trip before your daughter broke her leg so the school runs, it being over your wedding anniversary (which you never celebrate) etc. are red herrings. That was the case before your daughter broke her leg.

The bigger issue is whether you get to go away/do hobbies etc. I would not have a problem with my DH still going away. Not at all. But that’s because I also get to go away and do my hobbies so I really wouldn’t feel hard done by just because one DC is a bit of extra work with a broken leg.