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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking a trip after daughter had accident

376 replies

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 22:55

My daughter fell over and really injured herself, so is unable to get around without any kind of assistance. My husband had booked a golf trip with his friends prior to this happening and he still wants to go and leave me with both kids for nearly a week. It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to juggle all school pick ups and everything else that entails! I work full time and have a side job. I really wanted to know, AIBU?!

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 15/11/2023 08:35

36londonmum · 15/11/2023 08:30

Thank you so much everyone for the feedback. He is usually like this. He does work hard and that is his reasoning, but so do I.

We always seem to excuse mens responsibilities because they 'work hard'. So do we...and usually do majority housework and mental load to boot... rarely do we hear from others that we 'work hard'. We are expected to. Its unfair and unequal. He should cancel his trip..if it was mum majority would cancel.

Puddlewoman · 15/11/2023 08:36

You will cope op because you have to and you will do it admirably well but you wont forget. It will be yet another nail in the coffin, and one day he will leave his dishes by the sink.....

Whataretheodds · 15/11/2023 08:37

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 15/11/2023 06:46

Because the kids are 5 & 6 so it's very unlikely the OP was planning to leave them to get to/from school independently while their dad was away. It's really not that difficult to work out.

Show quote history

I had understood "you'd be taking them anyway" as "you'd be taking them even if your husband wasn't away". My mistake.

WeeSleekitCowrinTimrousBeastie · 15/11/2023 08:37

I thought you were YABU until I read your updates.

He's being a complete twat.

jputthekettleon · 15/11/2023 08:37

A week is a long time away with children that age even without a broken leg.

I have one or two holidays away per year without husband/kids but this is normally 2 nights (one is 3 nights max but only 45 mins down the road) and I make sure the kids have a Sleepover with other family one of those nights each time to break it up for them all.

I think taking a week away would be asking a lot in the first place especially with the remaining partner working two jobs and doing all the schooling. In these circumstances he should cancel or at least cut it down to 3 days

SoupDragon · 15/11/2023 08:38

Lastchancechica · 15/11/2023 08:15

I am so angry so many people posting it will be fine. It’s not fine, at all. Everything takes forever.

Yes, it will take longer but it will be fine. There is no point making out it will be a total catastrophe as that won't help the OP (given her DH is clearly going on the trip no matter what)

C8H10N4O2 · 15/11/2023 08:38

I think some of these posters would like the OP to stick a broom up her arse to sweep the house whilst she moves rather than expect a man to do his share.

Presumably his jolly has travel insurance which covers for family emergencies? If he hasn't taken that out whilst having small children he is stupid as well as self absorbed.

DH and I both cancelled/changed work or other trips in comparable situations when the children were young - its what parents do. Neither of us dumped the problem on the other and left them to it, alongside their own full time job. It says a lot about how one partner views the other that they take them for granted as the default parent for all issues to this extent.

crumblingschools · 15/11/2023 08:39

The OP’s DH isn’t just going for a weekend, he is going during the week, so OP is having to juggle 2 jobs, school runs, childcare etc and now the added bonus of a 5yo in a leg cast

TheaBrandt · 15/11/2023 08:39

Yeah we both only ever did Sat - wed max friend trips when kids at primary. Not fair on the other one.

noisyfrodge · 15/11/2023 08:39

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 08:34

@noisyfrodge both DH and I had weekends away when children where small, but we also listened to each other and would stay home to assist if the other had a genuine need...... like the OPs situation.

Yes quite, I did say after in this situation I would actually be livid. The further posts from OP indicate he is not a nice man at all.

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 08:41

noisyfrodge · 15/11/2023 08:31

I'm a woman. No 'servitude' here.

DH has a weekend away every year. This has continued, upon my insistence, even when DC have had injuries/illnesses. However, I also have a few days away each year, more often then him and with a broken leg but DC otherwise ok I would probably still go as well. I think people suggesting a mother would never leave their children are suffering from shit husbands because mine is an absolute gem and I wouldn't be at all concerned about him looking after a DC who simply needed lifting (obviously if DC was mentally ok with a broken leg). One of my DC, the one who did break their leg, had never been fussed about anything and would not need comforted whereas my youngest in that situation probably wouldn't leave my sight so in that case I would not go away.

The idea that men should not be allowed a break because women don't get one is ridiculous, why are you women choosing not to take a break?

Show quote history

It's all dependent on the circumstances though, isn't it?

It's not just about whether you can each have time away, but what impact that would have on your partner and children.

I have a job which involves international travel and I had to return to work when my first baby was 7 months old. On my first day back I was informed that there was a trip involving an overnight stay the following week. Then when my son was 11 months old I had to go on a transatlantic business trip for 4 days, with about 2 weeks' notice. A couple of months later when he was 13 months old I had to go on another transatlantic trip, for 5 days this time. Then I got pregnant again and said no to any long haul travel for health reasons, but I did go away overnight twice to visit my friends, knowing that my husband could cope with one child who was over a year old by this point, but coping with two children would be more difficult so it felt like my last opportunity to do it for a while. For context, we live very close to my husband's family and friends but very far from mine.

He was very supportive of all this. And because he had had to cope with me being away for several nights for work, and had coped just fine, we both knew there would be no issues with me being away for just one night to visit friends.

We now have two children and I would do my utmost to avoid these kinds of trips now, because I know that two children is a completely different ballgame, and the little one won't take a bottle. Luckily, although I am back at work, the clients in North America are no longer my responsibility.

If he had to go away for work, I would facilitate this. But he would also ask his mother to come and help me. If he wanted to go away with his friends, who are all past the stag do stage and now all have young children themselves, this would need to be planned well in advance, but I would also facilitate that. Because I know he doesn't feel entitled to do these things, that he would most likely not even think about doing them, and if he did want to, he would make damn sure that I was definitely OK with it before committing.

It goes without saying that if either of our children were ill or injured just before one of us had a planned trip, we would have to discuss what impact it would have on the other parent's ability to do solo childcare, and the person going away would cancel if necessary.

IncompleteSenten · 15/11/2023 08:42

Will you be able to cope? Yes, of course. It'll be hard but not impossible.

Should you have to cope? No. I'm surprised that there are so many apparently whose partner would not simply decide themselves to prioritise their family circumstances and cancel their trip.

My husband has his faults like everyone but I know damn well I wouldn't even have to suggest he cancel. He'd have done it without hesitation.

I can't imagine having two young children and being all oh well love it's going to be shit for you with one in a wheelchair and you'll have a right old time of it ah well you'll cope taxi's here I'm off for my holiday try not to put your back out carrying her up and down stairs see you next week...

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/11/2023 08:42

YANBU. An agreed break is one thing. But a young child in a leg cast makes that unfeasible. He needs to cancel. If he doesn't, suggest he packs a bigger bag and finds somewhere new to live while you finalise a divorce.

I am thankful my DH would not do this. We have both had time away before. But unless an essential work trip, there is no way either of us would leave the other to struggle on there own in such a circumstance.

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/11/2023 08:43

IncompleteSenten · 15/11/2023 08:42

Will you be able to cope? Yes, of course. It'll be hard but not impossible.

Should you have to cope? No. I'm surprised that there are so many apparently whose partner would not simply decide themselves to prioritise their family circumstances and cancel their trip.

My husband has his faults like everyone but I know damn well I wouldn't even have to suggest he cancel. He'd have done it without hesitation.

I can't imagine having two young children and being all oh well love it's going to be shit for you with one in a wheelchair and you'll have a right old time of it ah well you'll cope taxi's here I'm off for my holiday try not to put your back out carrying her up and down stairs see you next week...

This. 100% this.

margotrose · 15/11/2023 08:43

It never ceases to amaze me how many martyrs are literally bending and fucking scraping to facilitate male leisure time at the expense of all else.

Hmm, well it never ceases to amaze me that women will burn themselves into the ground rather than have some time away from their kids.

Duckingella · 15/11/2023 08:44

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 23:11

He’s passed me a babysitter number…

Is he paying then?

MorrisZapp · 15/11/2023 08:45

We both take trips away pretty regularly but I could no more leave a five year old with a broken leg than I could fly in the air. DP is exactly the same or I wouldn't have had a kid with him.

He's a golf obsessive, and his golf commitments include running the club, taking meetings etc on top of the endless rounds all over the country. But we split everything and I get equal freedom. Probably helps that we only have one kid.

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 08:46

margotrose · 15/11/2023 08:43

It never ceases to amaze me how many martyrs are literally bending and fucking scraping to facilitate male leisure time at the expense of all else.

Hmm, well it never ceases to amaze me that women will burn themselves into the ground rather than have some time away from their kids.

The point is that neither of them should be having time away when their five year old has had a serious break and is in a wheelchair.

margotrose · 15/11/2023 08:52

The point is that neither of them should be having time away when their five year old has had a serious break and is in a wheelchair.

Why not?

Yes, a broken leg requires a bit more work and planning but it's perfectly manageable for a week.

ASimpleLampoon · 15/11/2023 08:53

If you don't feel you can manage it he shouldn't go.

Totally disagree with PPS saying you were going to do that anyway. You hadn't factored in an injured child to care for.

Is he doing anything at all to make things easier for you or are the additional logistics your problem alone to solve?

Has he offered to pay for the babysitter or are you expected to both arrange and pay for this ? Both things he should be doing if he actually gave a shit.
...

rainbowstardrops · 15/11/2023 08:53

He's a selfish poor excuse for a husband and father!
I'd be making it clear to him that it's non negotiable that he stays to help, otherwise he knows where the door is.

5128gap · 15/11/2023 08:54

I think @noisyfrodge the reason many women don't 'just take a break' is that they discover after the event that the man they married thinks the answer to childcare struggles is to phone an unknown babysitter abd expect them to care for an injured 5 year old, which falls below the standards of care they want for their child.
There are other reasons too of course, such as lack of access to resources or resentful spouses who'd make them and their children miserable with their complaining and lack lustre approach to parenting.
Many couples do not include a man who is an equal parent. When this is the case the women can't just skip off expecting him to step up. In reality many don't and won't. Raising one's expectations of a person, contrary to myth, does not necessarily result in the person meeting them.

C1N1C · 15/11/2023 08:56

Maybe I've missed it... husband said he still wants to go, but did OP actually say to him she needs him there when he said that?

I don't have kids (just cats), and I would cancel for them BUT my wife would more than likely say "I got this" so that I could go... It might be difficult for a few days but she would offer. The point is, we would both offer.

itsmeafterall · 15/11/2023 08:58

This is what holiday insurance is for. He can cancel and get reimbursed by the insurance ?

Handing you a babysitter number ? The fecking cheek of that. At the very least he should take ownership of 2-3 days and organise covet on those days so that you don't have to.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/11/2023 09:02

C1N1C · 15/11/2023 08:56

Maybe I've missed it... husband said he still wants to go, but did OP actually say to him she needs him there when he said that?

I don't have kids (just cats), and I would cancel for them BUT my wife would more than likely say "I got this" so that I could go... It might be difficult for a few days but she would offer. The point is, we would both offer.

Yes you missed it - he handed her the number of a babysitter for her to sort out.

This thread is not about each parent getting some leisure time or some time off. This thread is about a man who thinks its fine to sod off for a week and leave the woman as default parent juggling two jobs, two young children, one of whom needs significant extra care at the moment.