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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband taking a trip after daughter had accident

376 replies

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 22:55

My daughter fell over and really injured herself, so is unable to get around without any kind of assistance. My husband had booked a golf trip with his friends prior to this happening and he still wants to go and leave me with both kids for nearly a week. It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to juggle all school pick ups and everything else that entails! I work full time and have a side job. I really wanted to know, AIBU?!

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 15/11/2023 10:15

I’m wondering whether OP was hoping to use after school club to facilitate working hours which might now not be possible if a child is in a wheelchair.

Also how easy is the school run with a wheelchair?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 15/11/2023 10:19

Would the child be allowed in school in a wheelchair without some kind of risk assessment?

CatamaranViper · 15/11/2023 10:26

On the one hand, parents are allowed to be a bit selfish at times (be it in thought or action) and if he really wanted to go on the trip, I can completely understand why he would be trying to find a way to still go and be disappointed that it might be cancelled. BUT being a good parent is understanding when your selfish wants will negatively impact your family and choosing to do the right thing. Hopefully he'll also feel a want to be at home?

In this case, clearly the right thing is to be at home with his injured and probably upset and frustrated 5 year old daughter, his younger child and his wife.

Helping a child in a full leg cast means she'll need help using the toilet, bathing, being comfortable at night, carrying her up and down the stairs etc. Imagine doing all that with another young child (who will be wanting attention and help too, probably feeling very left out) and trying to get to work on time?

CloudPop · 15/11/2023 11:02

Poor little girl, hope she gets well soon. What a horrible thing to have happened to her.

Xiaoxiong · 15/11/2023 11:05

one DC is a bit of extra work with a broken leg

Having lived through a young DC with a broken leg, it wasn't a bit of extra work - all our lives basically came to a halt to support. Toileting, sleeping, pain management, itching, bathing, everything was just a complete nightmare and I will never forget hearing DS1's screaming before he fainted as they transferred him to the x-ray machine, struggling against the general anasthetic, and crying himself to sleep as it hurt and he couldn't process what was going on and was scared and in pain. Fracture clinic, x-rays, waiting around for hours for the consultant, getting the wheelchair in and out of the car, lifting him into the wheelchair. Just parking the car at the bloody hospital was a mission. It's not like having a broken wrist in a neat sling where all your friends write their name on the cast and life goes on as usual.

Then there will be cast removal, physiotherapy at inconvenient times in the middle of the working day, convalescing, getting strength back. They don't just leap off the table when the cast is off able to run around like they did before.

I bet you anything the DH isn't suggesting that he comes back from his jolly and the OP goes off to a spa hotel for a week while he juggles work and 2 DCs, one in a cast. He's a selfish prick to even consider going off enjoying himself while the OP copes with all this alone. I can't imagine his mates being very impressed with his fatherly dedication to his kids either (unless they're selfish pricks themselves).

And for people who say they'd take the trip in these circumstances, I just don't believe you. When your 5 year old is injured to the extent they need to be in a wheelchair you are there with them 24/7. Neither DH nor I could leave DS1's side, except to take care of DS2 or to sleep, though we both knew we had to and forced each other to take care of themselves.

BarryStyles · 15/11/2023 11:10

@margotrose there’s time away from your kids, then theres time away when your 5 year old has just broken their leg, your OH would prefer you to stay and share the load and the trip is a non-essential jolly. Can you really not see a difference?

margotrose · 15/11/2023 11:23

BarryStyles · 15/11/2023 11:10

@margotrose there’s time away from your kids, then theres time away when your 5 year old has just broken their leg, your OH would prefer you to stay and share the load and the trip is a non-essential jolly. Can you really not see a difference?

Of course there's a difference, but I would still expect my husband to be able to cope for a few days while I was away.

Nobody's saying it's ideal or that it will be a barrel of laughs, just that it's one of those things and doesn't need to be a big drama.

Therealjudgejudy · 15/11/2023 11:30

He is a shit father and husband. Tell him that.

Also tell him that golf is obviously more important to him than his family

pootleq5 · 15/11/2023 11:44

margotrose · 15/11/2023 11:23

Of course there's a difference, but I would still expect my husband to be able to cope for a few days while I was away.

Nobody's saying it's ideal or that it will be a barrel of laughs, just that it's one of those things and doesn't need to be a big drama.

If he was on military service it even just at work I’d agree but golf really I’m sorry that’s ridiculous . Also breaking your leg badly enough to be in a full cast and wheelchair is a big drama . Read the previous posters account of her child’s experience , this is not the same as a little discomfort and inconvenience

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 11:44

@margotrose said:
Of course there's a difference, but I would still expect my husband to be able to cope for a few days while I was away.

And OP's husband expects his wife to be able to cope for a few days while he is away.
I'm sure she will, if she has to. But she doesn't want to. She wants her partner to share the load.

So you agree with OP's husband, it seems. I can't see why?
In my book, that makes you and OP's H both unreasonable.

margotrose · 15/11/2023 11:48

In my book, that makes you and OP's H both unreasonable.

Oh well 🤷‍♀️

I'm not the only one on the thread who would expect their husband to cope for a few days in the same circumstances.

My husband would also want me to go on my pre-arranged break and wouldn't want me to cancel either.

crumblingschools · 15/11/2023 11:49

How much is he doing on the parenting front at the moment @36londonmum?

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 11:51

margotrose · 15/11/2023 11:48

In my book, that makes you and OP's H both unreasonable.

Oh well 🤷‍♀️

I'm not the only one on the thread who would expect their husband to cope for a few days in the same circumstances.

My husband would also want me to go on my pre-arranged break and wouldn't want me to cancel either.

No but thankfully you're in the minority!

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 11:54

@margotrose You are saying, in essence, that you wouldn't mind him going. But OP is saying that she does mind him going. That's a pretty big difference between you and OP.

Your post seems to imply, therefore, that OP should kowtow to her husband, even though she minds him going.

margotrose · 15/11/2023 12:22

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 11:54

@margotrose You are saying, in essence, that you wouldn't mind him going. But OP is saying that she does mind him going. That's a pretty big difference between you and OP.

Your post seems to imply, therefore, that OP should kowtow to her husband, even though she minds him going.

It's not about kowtowing to anyone - I just see stuff like this as part of being a parent, that's all.

Nobody's denying it's a bit crap and stressful but that's not a reason to cancel
a holiday imo.

Obviously plenty of people think differently and that's fine, I'm not here to change anyone's mind 🤷‍♀️

yellowlane · 15/11/2023 12:26

I wouldn't have to ask my dh not to go. But it would depend on my ability to cope. Practically can you lift her up the stairs on your own, get her into car etc?

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 12:37

@margotrose I see child care as part of being a parent, too, as does the OP.

In this case OP thinks she will find it difficult to cope alone, and if her H would step up, she wouldn't actually have to cope alone.

Her H, on the other hand, seems to think being the father of his child, rather than the mother, means he can fuck off to golf.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 15/11/2023 12:45

FelicityFlops · 14/11/2023 23:00

That is life. Get over it!

Totally uncalled for. Grow up

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 12:51

margotrose · 15/11/2023 12:22

It's not about kowtowing to anyone - I just see stuff like this as part of being a parent, that's all.

Nobody's denying it's a bit crap and stressful but that's not a reason to cancel
a holiday imo.

Obviously plenty of people think differently and that's fine, I'm not here to change anyone's mind 🤷‍♀️

What, so dealing with your two kids solo for almost a week when one of them is temporarily in a wheelchair is part of being a parent, but cancelling your golf holiday because your child is temporarily in a wheelchair isn't?

Honestly, I have kids and I don't consider picking up the slack in unusually difficult circumstances whilst my husband swans off on holiday to be part of being a parent. It might be part of being married to a selfish arse.

36londonmum · 15/11/2023 12:57

I think it was about 90-10 me parenting, which has shifted to 70-30 in recent months

OP posts:
36londonmum · 15/11/2023 12:58

Because of my extra work pressure (new job and I was taking on too much before 😓)

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 15/11/2023 12:58

How is your DD coping at the moment?

36londonmum · 15/11/2023 13:00

Good spirits!

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 15/11/2023 13:10

Did you have to fight to get your DH to up his parenting, although you obviously still have the greater load?

Mayhemmumma · 15/11/2023 13:24

What is it with these golf wanker husbands?! MN is full of them...