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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking a trip after daughter had accident

376 replies

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 22:55

My daughter fell over and really injured herself, so is unable to get around without any kind of assistance. My husband had booked a golf trip with his friends prior to this happening and he still wants to go and leave me with both kids for nearly a week. It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to juggle all school pick ups and everything else that entails! I work full time and have a side job. I really wanted to know, AIBU?!

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 15/11/2023 08:06

I wouldn't expect him to cancel the trip if he cancels then that affects the others who he's going with too. Realistically it's a few days, you will manage. Speak to the school about an early pick for those days so it's manageable for you

You will be surprised at how well your little girl copes

Nanaof1 · 15/11/2023 08:08

Motorina · 14/11/2023 23:40

Okay I've moved from LTB to you need a new patio.

Show quote history

Thank you! You made me snort laugh. You just put it perfectly! Um...I also have an extra bag of cement......

LetItGoHome · 15/11/2023 08:10

It all depends entirely on your husband I suppose.

If it were me and my husband and it was all booked and paid for I would wave him off and tell him to have a good time. Then, just somehow manage. But then my husband is an excellent hands on father and a thoughtful, hard working husband. So I would be pleased he was going and having a bit of fun.

But I am just looking at it in my situation as I don't know yours. Marriage and parenthood is all about giving and taking. If he only ever took I would probably feel differently.

Lastchancechica · 15/11/2023 08:10

It never ceases to amaze me how many martyrs are literally bending and fucking scraping to facilitate male leisure time at the expense of all else.

I comfort myself with the idea that the posts are are probably from men, not weak and pathetic people pleasers reinforcing old stereotypes of servitude.

Op

  1. It would not be an option for dh to take luxury golf breaks in the first place with young children when do you get a weeks break?

  2. Of course he should cancel!!!!!

Any decent person would in this position. His priority should be you and his children.

I would expect and insist he cancels, absolutely. No question. Tough luck - golf doesn’t take precedence.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 15/11/2023 08:10

I wouldn’t expect him to cancel because you know, life. Shit happens. Kids are kids.

I do sympathise though, one of my kids had a similar injury by the sounds of it and it was hard work. They soon learned to bum shuffle up and down the stairs though so things improved, I’m sure you’ll be fine.

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 08:11

Maddy70 · 15/11/2023 08:06

I wouldn't expect him to cancel the trip if he cancels then that affects the others who he's going with too. Realistically it's a few days, you will manage. Speak to the school about an early pick for those days so it's manageable for you

You will be surprised at how well your little girl copes

Huh? Why are some middle aged men looking forward to playing golf more important than the OP and her children?

Lastchancechica · 15/11/2023 08:13

Maddy70 · 15/11/2023 08:06

I wouldn't expect him to cancel the trip if he cancels then that affects the others who he's going with too. Realistically it's a few days, you will manage. Speak to the school about an early pick for those days so it's manageable for you

You will be surprised at how well your little girl copes

I think this is bullshit. The blisters on her dds hands, the exhaustion of trying to even get to the loo, and doing anything. The lack of sleep with a full cast. The pain. Are you actually serious?

AbbeyGailsParty · 15/11/2023 08:13

I don’t know how many people here have had to carry a child with full leg plaster up and down a flight of stairs each day but it’s not easy. There’s a big difference between half leg ( difficult enough) and full leg( heavier and really difficult to manoeuvre) OP, make sure you’re 100% safe on the stairs , don’t want yourself in plaster too.
I think 2 jobs + child in plaster+ another child warrants help. If your husband won’t stay home (aresehole) he pays for a mothers help for the time he’s away. Not a babysitter —- someone who’ll share the full load.

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 08:14

Lastchancechica · 15/11/2023 08:10

It never ceases to amaze me how many martyrs are literally bending and fucking scraping to facilitate male leisure time at the expense of all else.

I comfort myself with the idea that the posts are are probably from men, not weak and pathetic people pleasers reinforcing old stereotypes of servitude.

Op

  1. It would not be an option for dh to take luxury golf breaks in the first place with young children when do you get a weeks break?

  2. Of course he should cancel!!!!!

Any decent person would in this position. His priority should be you and his children.

I would expect and insist he cancels, absolutely. No question. Tough luck - golf doesn’t take precedence.

Edited

Unfortunately I think these posters are actually women.

I can't wrap my head round it either. My husband doesn't play golf or do any other time consuming hobbies but even if he wanted to I think he just wouldn't consider it an option for him at this stage of our lives. We have two young kids and if either of us wants to go out for the evening we check with the other first, plan it well in advance and cancel it if necessary. He has been away from the children even less than I have.

My auntie's husband spends much of his time cycling and goes on cycling holidays at least once a year with his friends. He is the only man I know who does this. BUT he's in his 60s, his children are in their 20s, and I'm almost 100% certain he didn't start doing it until his children were all in their teens.

Lastchancechica · 15/11/2023 08:15

I am so angry so many people posting it will be fine. It’s not fine, at all. Everything takes forever.

Quitelikeacatslife · 15/11/2023 08:16

I wouldn't ask him to cancel but I'd buy myself a golf trip sized present, whatever gives you a smile , maybe a gorgeous bag and every time you use it think of how kick ass you are

Have you got a family member who could move in whilst he is away?

Whatafustercluck · 15/11/2023 08:18

I actually can't believe that such a large minority have said yabu! There are some really low standards on mn.

I'm one who would probably try to march on and say my dh should still go. But, for background context, dh rarely has time to himself, really pulls his weight with the kids, thinks of me and them first and foremost, and would in all likelihood decide to cancel anyway, knowing the impact it would have. If you were a single parent, of course you'd have to find a way. But you're not. I think your dh sounds very selfish - is he always like that?

Quartz2208 · 15/11/2023 08:19

For me this would clearly highlight where I and his children were on his list of priorities and it is clearly way below himself and golf. Knowing the extra work it would mean for his wife (who clearly is expected to juggle a lot anyway) and what it would mean for his children the fact it didn’t even occur to him to not go and how he is being when asked not to go speaks volumes about him

Lastchancechica · 15/11/2023 08:19

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 08:14

Unfortunately I think these posters are actually women.

I can't wrap my head round it either. My husband doesn't play golf or do any other time consuming hobbies but even if he wanted to I think he just wouldn't consider it an option for him at this stage of our lives. We have two young kids and if either of us wants to go out for the evening we check with the other first, plan it well in advance and cancel it if necessary. He has been away from the children even less than I have.

My auntie's husband spends much of his time cycling and goes on cycling holidays at least once a year with his friends. He is the only man I know who does this. BUT he's in his 60s, his children are in their 20s, and I'm almost 100% certain he didn't start doing it until his children were all in their teens.

Show quote history

My dh and I are a team.
Our priority is always our children and family unit.
We don’t put pressure on each other to facilitate hobbies that make life more difficult for each other. We have decades to enjoy such things when the children are older.

The idea of ops dh still going to play golf is preposterous. I could not be with such a selfish man. Children should come before or else, especially after a serious break.

Lastchancechica · 15/11/2023 08:20

Quitelikeacatslife · 15/11/2023 08:16

I wouldn't ask him to cancel but I'd buy myself a golf trip sized present, whatever gives you a smile , maybe a gorgeous bag and every time you use it think of how kick ass you are

Have you got a family member who could move in whilst he is away?

Wtf?!

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 08:23

Maddy70 · 15/11/2023 08:06

I wouldn't expect him to cancel the trip if he cancels then that affects the others who he's going with too. Realistically it's a few days, you will manage. Speak to the school about an early pick for those days so it's manageable for you

You will be surprised at how well your little girl copes

Yeah he mustn't let this affect his mates, fuck his wife and child and the fact of how it affects them!

Priorities and all that!

notsorighteousthesedays · 15/11/2023 08:26

Poor little girl, probably shocked and in discomfort if not actual pain. Maybe frightened - 5-year olds have amazing imaginations - and anxious.
A difficult time in your short life when you want the people who love you to reassure and take care of you.
And Daddy just swans off on holiday..... like you're not at all important in his life. 😥

fortheloveofflowers · 15/11/2023 08:29

I’m a lone parent so used to managing everything on my own plus I’m a nurse. My 13 year old broke his leg and was in a full leg cast for 8 weeks. He’s pretty self sufficient and able to carry his own weight on crutches. A full leg cast is much more difficult than a below the knee cast.

It was an utter pain in the arse and created more work for me, much more than you’d think. It would have been way worse if he was 5 and I had another child.

These people saying suck it up and that’s life, what pricks!! Why would anyone deliberately make someone’s life more difficult by going away on a jolly. Your husband is telling you who he is. Selfish prick.

Lastchancechica · 15/11/2023 08:29

Quite frankly I am amazed you have to ask op. Your dh should have immediately cancelled without even a word from you. So many shit dads around, it is depressing.

Original poster
36londonmum · 15/11/2023 08:30

Thank you so much everyone for the feedback. He is usually like this. He does work hard and that is his reasoning, but so do I.

OP posts:
noisyfrodge · 15/11/2023 08:31

Lastchancechica · 15/11/2023 08:10

It never ceases to amaze me how many martyrs are literally bending and fucking scraping to facilitate male leisure time at the expense of all else.

I comfort myself with the idea that the posts are are probably from men, not weak and pathetic people pleasers reinforcing old stereotypes of servitude.

Op

  1. It would not be an option for dh to take luxury golf breaks in the first place with young children when do you get a weeks break?

  2. Of course he should cancel!!!!!

Any decent person would in this position. His priority should be you and his children.

I would expect and insist he cancels, absolutely. No question. Tough luck - golf doesn’t take precedence.

Edited

I'm a woman. No 'servitude' here.

DH has a weekend away every year. This has continued, upon my insistence, even when DC have had injuries/illnesses. However, I also have a few days away each year, more often then him and with a broken leg but DC otherwise ok I would probably still go as well. I think people suggesting a mother would never leave their children are suffering from shit husbands because mine is an absolute gem and I wouldn't be at all concerned about him looking after a DC who simply needed lifting (obviously if DC was mentally ok with a broken leg). One of my DC, the one who did break their leg, had never been fussed about anything and would not need comforted whereas my youngest in that situation probably wouldn't leave my sight so in that case I would not go away.

The idea that men should not be allowed a break because women don't get one is ridiculous, why are you women choosing not to take a break?

5128gap · 15/11/2023 08:32

A good partner would offer to cancel because they wouldn't want you to have to struggle even if it were possible to manage. An equally good partner would only accept if they felt it was absolutely necessary because they wouldn't want them to miss out on their holiday.

Its a depressing dynamic there OP where people have to fight their corner rather than wanting the best for the other. I wouldn't want this to be my marriage. To answer your question, if it were our house he'd have stayed home.

noisyfrodge · 15/11/2023 08:33

Just wanted to add the further information about the DH in this situation means actually I would be fucking livid because it's clearly indicative of a deeper issue.

iamwhatiam23 · 15/11/2023 08:33

IHateLegDay · 14/11/2023 23:27

Imagine being that shit of a dad that you'd rather go golfing with your mates than be there to help your injured child.
Waste of oxygen!

Complete overreaction! Shes got a broken leg not a terminal illness!

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 08:34

@noisyfrodge both DH and I had weekends away when children where small, but we also listened to each other and would stay home to assist if the other had a genuine need...... like the OPs situation.