MIL said I embarrassed her in front of her family. WIBU?

[Bigredjumper]

Ar the weekend, my partner and I hosted a family get together for his mother, aunt, cousin and her husband and children. I offered to cook for the get together.

A few weeks before, his cousin messaged saying that she is trying to cut UPFs from her children's diet and asked me to let her know if this would be an issue so she could bring good food with her. I thanked her for letting me know and we agreed I'd run everything past her to make sure she was comfortable with her children eating it. I enjoy cooking so I had absolutely no issue with this; I want to reduce the amount of UPFs I eat anyway.

I decided to make fajitas three ways (chicken, steak and halloumi). The only things I could think of which might not be okay were:

Dried herbs/spices
Cathedral city cheese
Sour cream
Tomato paste (from a local deli, not the tomato puree in a tube)
Oliver oil (from the same deli)

Partner's cousin assured me these were fine for her and her family. I made the tortillas myself, and the meat came from a local butchers. I also made sweet potato fries and a big mumsnetty salad.

I thought the get together went well and everyone seemed to enjoy the food.

My partner's mother text me today saying she cannot believe I thought it was okay to serve her family such junk food. She said I'd embarrassed her and my partner in front of her sister and I should think long and hard before agreeing to host anyone again.

I couldn't believe what I was reading. My partner and his cousin have assured me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what I served and to ignore her. But I can't stop thinking I did something wrong and should have served something healthier. Especially considering there were children.

So WIBU? Apologies this is so long!

And now reading this thread, it's no wonder you're all in a cost of living crisis!

She's rude and unreasonable and I would expect your husband to speak to her about it, but for him to go straight to she is no longer welcome in his house suggests there's a lot more background to the story.

Your MIL is a rude bitch.

@Ramalangadingdong As much as I agree with most of the pp’s and OP’s position, and that the MIL is unbelievably rude and out of order.

Your comment is wether you know it or not, utterly ageist and insensitive and hurtful to people who themselves suffer or have family members who suffer with Alzheimer’s or other Dementia’s. And I say this as a YOUNG person with dementia. Please bear this in mind and not use it as a go to insult by comparing someone who is healthy and just badly behaved, with a serious and extremely distressing disease.

I'm not that far off 60 too @IMustDoMoreExercise and SIL/BIL regularly serve them at big family get togethers. If DH is 'cooking' he will make them (not the fajitas they come ready made) for us all. They aren't my all time favourite meal but they are tasty and easy to adjust for different diets.

*I think next time I'll clarify with people before hand if I'm not planning a proper sit down dinner.

Also, I had no problem with his cousin letting me know she avoids UPFs for her children. She was happy to bring food for them if I wasn't able/didn't want to cater to this*

Honestly, you need to rethink this whole pandering approach.

Your MIL is simply batshit and looks like your DH has done the right thing and knocked this on the head, good for him.

Why you need to clarify anything though in future is odd? Just invite people to a meal and say that you have catered for ALLERGIES. If someone contacts you about UPF nonsense just say you have no idea what you are doing yet, so best they bring their own meals. Nothing wrong with someone doing this as standard in their own home, but their children won’t combust with one meal so trying to impose these non-allergy restrictions on hosts is beyond rude. They bring their own or are free to stay home.

No way would I be going through a menu and checking it with people ffs. If I know my friend with nut allergies is coming, I just make sure meal is nut free, ditto for someone who is GENUINELY gluten or lactose intolerant. Otherwise it’s whatever dishes are out on the table, however they want be it with fingers or cutlery. If people don’t want to come due to some fad they are trying to force on hosts, then stay at home or bring a lunchbox. I’ve never had a shortage of meal guests with this approach, but then also don’t tend to associate with batshit/rude folk.

DP's mum was colossally rude.

So was the cousin. How dare they police your meals?

I agree with the poster who said if you’d served freshly made burgers she’d have felt the same. And that this is unrelated to weird upf avoider. Different issues.

makes me think of those folks you hear of who go on holiday and only eat stuff like egg and chips.

cant get past how rude she’s been though, she wasn’t embarrassed by what you served, she was embarrassed as she didn’t wish to eat it, used a knife and fork, and felt uncomfortable because of her own food issues.

The fajitas sound amazing OP. J think maybe the problem is a generational one? My parents eould eat fajitas, but they're not something I'd make for an occasion for them and would never have served them to my in laws!

The only reason I can think that she's mad about is she was served a meal that requires you to pick up with with your hands. She was probably expecting a roast or something. That's no reason to be rude.

I would tell her she's lucky she won't be invited again. Snobby 🐄

Absolutely no excuse for the rudeness though!

Well, at least your husband has stood up to his awful mother in your defence. Most similar ones don't.

I don't know if this is directed at me because you didn't tag but its directly under my comment.

I did say it's no reason to be rude!

I think some people (especially older people) have a weird idea that fajitas are fast food and therefore junk as they associate them with something like Taco Bell and don’t actually realise that homemade ones contain a lot of veg and are healthy.

I think that's what it is.

I think it's this. I'll bet the other guests were enthusiastically grateful and complimentary and MIL didn't like that one bit!

My own MIl can be like this when I cook; finds it very hard to show appreciation and will only compliment the jug of tap water or the one basic component that my husband will have made.

That sounds absolutely delicious! My kids would have hoovered that up,as would I🤣

She sounds a bit unhinged tbh. Even if you'd served fishfingers and beans (also yum!), still wouldn't have warranted her bad manners.

I think k she's jealous because you'd put some much effort into it.

I'd message her saying that you "I'm sorry you feel that the menu myself and DH's cousin agreed on wasn't healthy. I've passed your comments on to DH's cousin too".

She's obviously out of order. Fajitas are quite a casual meal as it's finger food so maybe she was being snobby about that.

I'd tell her not to worry as she wouldn't be getting another invite unless she apologised. Then I'd block her.

When my mum had Alzheimer’s/dementia she started to make accusations that seemed to come from nowhere. There was a change in her personality. After a family event she once accused a relative of stealing something silly from her home. It took quite a while before we realised what was going on. I am not ageist. The scenario op described sounded familiar to me, that’s all. Early onset Alzheimer’s is relatively rare. I am sorry to hear of your condition.

She didn't like your choice of food, it's nothing to do with your cooking or massive effort you went too. If everyone else is saying it her, it really is. Good to see your partner sticking up for you, not often seen on these threads.

Your mil is batshit.
Your partner supporting you is key, it's refreshing to read about one actually supportive of you against an unreasonable mil on Mumsnet.
Forget her comments, cousin is fine, your meal sounds delicious!

The UPF nonsense is going to cause a tidal wave of Orthorexia in the not too distant future.

Your mil sounds like a snob. Tell her ni o problem you won't be hosting again.

No need to think long and hard about it, but a resolution never to host that awful woman again seems in order!

What spiteful cow! It sounds like you made a lot of effort!