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Original poster

How to make it clear to friend I'm not interested

53 replies

Fantasia99 · 14/11/2023 12:40

Without explicitly saying it?

I have a suspicion that my (f) friend (m) is interested in me, and it is making me uncomfortable. He hasn't explicitly told me so, but since he's learnt I'm single he has sent a couple of message telling me how lovely and wonderful I am, and has been quite persistent with going for coffee, going out etc. Most of the time I say no I'm busy, but he then asks politely for another date. It's just a gut feeling he's going to make a move. We both have children a similar age who get on, and our friendship has been based on 'getting the kids together'. I really value our friendship, but don't want to say 'look, I'm not interested in you in THAT way' outright in case I've just got this totally wrong. We're going out on Wednesday as a group of friends, he wants to give me a lift but I've said no. He's older than me which is also a bit uncomfortable. How can I make it abundantly clear that I'm not interested?

OP posts:
CitizenofMoronia · 14/11/2023 15:14

Men are incapable of taking hints, you need to tell him straight and even then he probably won't listen.

Siha345 · 14/11/2023 15:17

You don’t talk about him that favourably and if you can’t be open and honest then is this really a friendship you value that much. If I didn’t want to explicitly address it I would weave into a message/conversation that I have no interest at all in dating, I really value my platonic friendships, I’m so happy on my own etc. etc. I wouldn’t bother making up an imaginary person because then I’d have to keep up the lie

TomatoSandwiches · 14/11/2023 15:22

Stop answering his texts if they have nothing to do with group meetings or facilitating the children's activities.

Men do know, they are aware but they feel entitled to a yes or a try so they keep pushing and pushing.
The behaviour is actually disrespectful and disappointing because you realise that these men never saw you or appreciated you as just a friend and will try to get a shag out of you if they can.

Lazydomestic · 14/11/2023 15:25

Be respectful & straight up - You value his friendship but don’t see him in any other way. If you need to soften it just say “a friend asked about your relationship & you straight up told her he is a friend.
Zero point saying right now or dating someone as just leaving the door open for another time.

WaWaWaWaaaaaa · 14/11/2023 15:30

C'mon, if he is sending you messages saying you are 'lovely and wonderful' he is testing the water and you are going to be appearing to go along with it.

Rather than tip toeing around just be straight with him. Tell him you might have it wrong but just in case you haven't you want to make it crystal clear you aren't interested.

LearnFromMyMistakes · 14/11/2023 15:31

I am single and when this happens to me it's easier just to be a bit blunt.
"Thanks but l don't want to." is enough. No further explanation.
Otherwise they never seem to get the hint your not interested.

PeppermintMandy · 14/11/2023 15:38

Personally I think it’s important to know if he is interested in you romantically. As soon as one person is looking at the other that way then you really can’t have a friendship anymore.

I know others would disagree, but if/when you do meet someone you want to have a relationship with having a friend you know wants to be more than friend really wouldn’t be fair on your partner. My DH has female friends but if I thought any of them would want to be with him romantically if I wasn’t in the picture I’d expect that friendship to be over. Similarly if any of my male friends have the impression they would like me to be more I’d decide it really isn’t actually a friendship anymore.

Reddog1 · 14/11/2023 15:41

Drop into the convo that you’re into younger guys.

Lottaflowers · 14/11/2023 15:51

It's likely he will make his move quite soon, so be prepared for that. If you can deal with it before it gets to that it might be better. Just so annoying that you even have to deal with it though.

When I was much younger and had my heart broken for the first time when a long term boyfriend ended our relationship, I was shocked that 3 male 'friends' basically made advances towards me within the next few weeks. I was so pissed off and distanced myself from all of them. I was genuinely heartbroken and they just saw it as an opportunity. I also then had the realisation that these people were never actually my friends, there had always been an ulterior motive. So bloody annoying, why do blokes do this!
Two of them had the gall to be annoyed at me for not being interested, and one told me I was making a huge mistake. Mate, I think not 😖

Addicted2Kale · 14/11/2023 15:52

Don't say you're not looking to date anyone. That's an obvious mistruth. Instead next time he "asks you out" alone, ask him "as FRIENDS or...?". The awkwardness that response generates alone should see him retreat. However, should he see this as hard to get, you got the green light to metaphorically kick him in the nuts as frankly, he is asking for it.

"I only go out alone with men I'm dating. It gets confusing otherwise. Sorry mate". Probably better to lose the friendship too.

Jewelspun · 14/11/2023 15:53

Tell him you have a medical emergency. Does he have an Anusol cream you can borrow?

He'll run for the hills.

Jewelspun · 14/11/2023 15:54

FleshLiabilities · 14/11/2023 14:04

If he's like most blokes, just sleep with him once and then you'll never hear from him again. 😀

Grin
BinkyBeaufort · 14/11/2023 16:48

Are you recently single op?
So many men see single women as unused shags and feel entitled to make sure you're not being wasted.
Sorry to be crude, but I've seen it so many times it just makes me both angry and depressed.
You'll have to be blunt, sadly - these guys don't do nuance.

Original poster
Fantasia99 · 14/11/2023 18:43

BinkyBeaufort · 14/11/2023 16:48

Are you recently single op?
So many men see single women as unused shags and feel entitled to make sure you're not being wasted.
Sorry to be crude, but I've seen it so many times it just makes me both angry and depressed.
You'll have to be blunt, sadly - these guys don't do nuance.

I've been single for about 5 years, dated someone for around 6 months but never exclusively so don't consider this as having been a proper relationship, but this is the 'relationship' I'm referring to when I said my friend found out I was single. Ended it about 8 months ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fantasia99 · 14/11/2023 18:46

Also I'm in my early 30s and he is mid 50s which, I know some people are OK with, but it's definitely not for me...

OP posts:
pastaandpesto · 14/11/2023 18:53

Fantasia99 · 14/11/2023 18:46

Also I'm in my early 30s and he is mid 50s which, I know some people are OK with, but it's definitely not for me...

I really don't think he's a friend, OP.

Best case scenario is he's a nice guy who is genuinely keen on a relationship with you for all the right reasons but is a bit slow on uptake. Worst (most likely imo) is that he is an opportunistic chancer who is after a shag and is hoping to wear you down, and doesn't give a shiny shit about making you feel uncomfortable in the process.

Karwomannghia · 14/11/2023 18:54

Ugh I had so many men like this when I was younger. Mr nice guys but actually slippery letches who don’t have the balls to actually ask you out properly. Of course you wouldn’t fancy him. I would definitely refer openly to someone else you fancy. Don’t spare his feelings, he’s not thinking about yours.

jc12689 · 14/11/2023 20:56

WiIIowT · 14/11/2023 13:14

Next time he texts just say sorry for late reply I was just on a date.

Or (crazy idea) she could just tell him the truth rather than spin a web of deceat. The world would be a lot simpler if people were just honest.

MadKittenWoman · 14/11/2023 20:59

Lottaflowers · 14/11/2023 15:51

It's likely he will make his move quite soon, so be prepared for that. If you can deal with it before it gets to that it might be better. Just so annoying that you even have to deal with it though.

When I was much younger and had my heart broken for the first time when a long term boyfriend ended our relationship, I was shocked that 3 male 'friends' basically made advances towards me within the next few weeks. I was so pissed off and distanced myself from all of them. I was genuinely heartbroken and they just saw it as an opportunity. I also then had the realisation that these people were never actually my friends, there had always been an ulterior motive. So bloody annoying, why do blokes do this!
Two of them had the gall to be annoyed at me for not being interested, and one told me I was making a huge mistake. Mate, I think not 😖

This happened to me too, years ago. I was appalled.

ThelmaBorden · 14/11/2023 21:02

RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance · 14/11/2023 15:13

This sort of behaviour is always disappointing- when you discover it's never been true friendship on his side, just the long game of pretending to be a friend until the opportunity for a shag appears.

this is called a gentleman is a patient wolf

Catsmere · 14/11/2023 21:07

OhComeOnFFS · 14/11/2023 13:36

Don't you find him attractive, or is it that you don't want to date anyone?

What does it matter? OP's answer is NO.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 14/11/2023 21:08

You know what he wants. Come on. You know.

Don't do any of the stupid hinting that you have a date or don't want to date. It'll just give him an opening to "win you back" or "prove you wrong". The next time he asks you out, rip the plaster off. Tell him no, you don't want to, because you aren't into him that way.

He will undoubtedly bluster that he just meant as a friend blah blah blah. That is a wholly transparent lie. "Whatever you meant, this is making me uncomfortable so I don't want to do it at the moment."

ThelmaBorden · 14/11/2023 21:12

BinkyBeaufort · 14/11/2023 16:48

Are you recently single op?
So many men see single women as unused shags and feel entitled to make sure you're not being wasted.
Sorry to be crude, but I've seen it so many times it just makes me both angry and depressed.
You'll have to be blunt, sadly - these guys don't do nuance.

I would like to see this analysis up on billboards everywhere, its brilliant -
unused shags - this phrase about to be absorbed into my lexicon,
thanks Binky !

crispcreambun · 14/11/2023 21:40

Fantasia99 · 14/11/2023 18:46

Also I'm in my early 30s and he is mid 50s which, I know some people are OK with, but it's definitely not for me...

What a fucking creep. He knows exactly what he's doing and he knows you're not into it. Men aren't so dumb that they don't pick up on the not interested signs. It's just that some really don't care and think they can break you down over time. He's one of those. Probably a hideous "nice guy."

WiIIowT · 14/11/2023 22:07

jc12689 · 14/11/2023 20:56

Or (crazy idea) she could just tell him the truth rather than spin a web of deceat. The world would be a lot simpler if people were just honest.

Edited
Show quote history

Or (crazy idea), OP doesn't actually have anything she needs to be honest about, as the friend hasn't actually said or done anything yet, OP just suspects something. So (crazy idea), that could really be embarrassing if she has the wrong idea, and the friend actually just thinks she's a wonderful friend.

However (crazy idea), if the friend came out and said hey OP I really fancy you, then being brutally honest is of course the right option.