Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to make it clear to friend I'm not interested

53 replies

Fantasia99 · 14/11/2023 12:40

Without explicitly saying it?

I have a suspicion that my (f) friend (m) is interested in me, and it is making me uncomfortable. He hasn't explicitly told me so, but since he's learnt I'm single he has sent a couple of message telling me how lovely and wonderful I am, and has been quite persistent with going for coffee, going out etc. Most of the time I say no I'm busy, but he then asks politely for another date. It's just a gut feeling he's going to make a move. We both have children a similar age who get on, and our friendship has been based on 'getting the kids together'. I really value our friendship, but don't want to say 'look, I'm not interested in you in THAT way' outright in case I've just got this totally wrong. We're going out on Wednesday as a group of friends, he wants to give me a lift but I've said no. He's older than me which is also a bit uncomfortable. How can I make it abundantly clear that I'm not interested?

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 14/11/2023 13:07

Do you have any mutual friends that could get a sense of how he is really feeling towards you and let him down on your behalf in the kindest way possible? You are doing the right thing turning down coffee dates and lifts - surely he is getting the hint? It is difficult to advise until he actually lets you know or asks you out - you may be misreading (though you are probably not). Maybe when replying to his messages highlight how much you see him as just a friend.

justalittlesnoel · 14/11/2023 13:09

On Wednesday can you steer the conversation to the topic and very explicitly say to the group how uninterested you are in dating etc?

WiIIowT · 14/11/2023 13:14

Next time he texts just say sorry for late reply I was just on a date.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/11/2023 13:22

Next time he texts about how lovely and wonderful you are just respond along the lines of “dude, perhaps I’m misreading it but this sort of sudden weird talk is beginning to feel as though you’re trying to crack onto me, and in the interests of being clear and not making things awkward, we’ve been friends for so long that I really don’t see you in that way. I value our friendship and don’t want that to change - so let’s just keep things as they are and hang out as we always have.”

Sure, he might be a little stung initially, but it’s far gentler than you having to do it in person.

GreenClock · 14/11/2023 13:22

Keep saying no to coffee etc. Don’t say that you’re already doing something or working because he’ll take that as a postponement rather than a “no”.

littleburn · 14/11/2023 13:30

I'm not clear if the meeting for coffee etc is just the two of you, or with the kids too? I'd suggest only saying yes to meeting with him if it's to 'get the kids together' and/or a bigger parents/kids get together. And anything without kids only if it's as part of a bigger friendship group. Hopefully he'll get the hint, but prepared for him not to and to have to be more direct.

MaliciaKeys · 14/11/2023 13:34

Talk about this man you’ve recently met and are head over in love with. Doesn’t matter that he doesn’t exist. It will tell your admirer you’re off limits.

OhComeOnFFS · 14/11/2023 13:36

Don't you find him attractive, or is it that you don't want to date anyone?

Userwithallthenumbers · 14/11/2023 13:45

Steer the conversation and tell him it's so great that men and women can just be friends these days, without being under pressure to be romantically involved. And casually include that having only recently come out of a relationship, you are happy on your own, don't want to be dating right now. Keep it general rather than targeted to him. A group night out is a good opportunity to do it.

Original poster
Fantasia99 · 14/11/2023 13:45

OhComeOnFFS · 14/11/2023 13:36

Don't you find him attractive, or is it that you don't want to date anyone?

Whether I find him attractive or not/whether I'm dating are both irrelevant. All relevant info in the OP.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fantasia99 · 14/11/2023 13:46

Thanks all. It's rather stressing me out!

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 14/11/2023 13:51

Tell him that you're getting a vibe and you might be wrong but just to be clear you only see him as a friend, nothing more.

Whether or not he actually is interested, you can both just laugh it off and you can carry on as friends.

OhComeOnFFS · 14/11/2023 13:52

Whether I find him attractive or not/whether I'm dating are both irrelevant.

Not really!

Draculina · 14/11/2023 13:53

You can tell him you have zero interest in dating anyone right now. You should probably also be a bit less available to him. When he hints for a date, just ignore his message instead of responding to it.

DonnaTellMeThis · 14/11/2023 13:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 14/11/2023 13:54

Id probably emphasise how much you're enjoying being single and how you want it to stay that way for a while ..

MassageForLife · 14/11/2023 14:01

Could you message him something like 'omg you won't believe it - my mum (or someone that you know that he's unlikely to see much of) just asked me if we were dating!! Can you imagine! Talk about getting the wrong end of the stick 😂😂.'

FleshLiabilities · 14/11/2023 14:04

If he's like most blokes, just sleep with him once and then you'll never hear from him again. 😀

CaineRaine · 14/11/2023 14:09

Next time he asks you out for a coffee reply “I may have got the wrong end of the stick but just checking you’re asking me as a friend and not as a date? I value our friendship so happy to meet up on the basis it’s the former and not the latter.” That gives him the chance to withdraw from his attempts gracefully!

Beckafett · 14/11/2023 14:11

I'd just emphasise how much you love his friendship and how great it is to have someone in your life you can rely on as a good friend with no other complications.
Good luck!

Eve223 · 14/11/2023 14:15

I had this with a male colleague/friend who always made it clear that he wanted more, even though I was in a relationship. He was a lovely, sensitive, funny kind and gentle guy, good looking too - but I simply wasn't interested or attracted to him, and I know it hurt him when I had to tell him several times that I wasn't interested in anything more than friendship.

Several years later he met someone else and is happily married to her. I'm happy for him but I miss his friendship. He even unfriended me on Facebook.

BreatheAndFocus · 14/11/2023 14:32

Just refer to your (non-existent) boyfriend, or, simpler, drop into conversation that you’re not interested in dating again for 5/10 year/ever. Go on about what a relief it is to not have men pestering you. You can ice the cake by telling him how relieved you are that he’s just a friend and understands that.

pastaandpesto · 14/11/2023 14:52

[he] has been quite persistent with going for coffee, going out etc. Most of the time I say no I'm busy, but he then asks politely for another date.

Just how thick are men like this? Does he seriously not understand that if you were interested in him but genuinely busy then you would respond enthusiastically with an alternative suggestion?

I remember this kind of behaviour from male 'friends' when I was younger, and looking back on it now I actually find it quite disrespectful and borderline harassing, and takes advantage of the fact that women have been societally trained to #bekind. He is deliberately ignoring your signals in the hope that he can get a shag.

Sorry perhaps I'm in a cynical mood today, but honestly OP, from what you've said you've already made it abundantly clear.

ACynicalDad · 14/11/2023 15:09

Many men won't pick up subtle signals, I'd see if there is someone in the group who can tell him if you don't want to directly.

RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance · 14/11/2023 15:13

This sort of behaviour is always disappointing- when you discover it's never been true friendship on his side, just the long game of pretending to be a friend until the opportunity for a shag appears.