Younger children turning on me.

[SlothsRUs]

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband.

They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute.

I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.

All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship.

In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

SiL always asked to have younger ones but not eldest in spite of having kids same age as eldest.

It was easier to leave all three with my mother but husband suggested we split them and I always refused. He was lovely to my eldest though.

When BiL car back to England his eldest handed camera to my eldest to take photos of the ‘real’ cousins.

Eldest is now single parent and has had unsuccessful attempts to form relationships with her father.

My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work.

Youngest daughter said my eldest was an embarrassment. Don’t know how to move forward. Middle one gone back to uni after reading week.

This is one of these rare threads where it’s possible to see both points of view.

But it’s difficult to know which side has got the wrong end of the stick.

There is a big age gap between your daughters which makes things like gift giving, being flower girls possible to do without intentionally ignoring an older kid. They are just at different stages.

but I do think it’s mean to treat a child ( who is essentially your DH’s adopted child) differently from the biological ones- is it possible you mis read this situation OP?

This May have been a case of family cooing over a baby, when your daughter was now 7 and past the cute stage.

No. He wouldnt be wrong to do either, he was wrong to do neither.
The right thing to do would be to decide what he thought was right for his family from his full knowledge of the situation. Which may have been that his children should see their family, or may have been that given the step daughters treatment, they should not. The OP says she would not have prevented him taking the children to see his family, so he had agency.
What no parent should do is abdicate all responsibility in the decision making process to the other then sit back and watch them take the blame when it goes wrong.

Think your wrong actually she didn’t do the wrong thing his family did by not treating all the children the same.
as the non biological child of my dad his family often made remarks, the person that made the difference was my dad he was the one who stood up to them & called them out on bad behaviour. I became probably closer to his family than my own biological family. As my Dad now coming to the end of his life I know I am blessed to have been his daughter even if he is a grumpy arse sometimes.

Her kids don’t think she’s done the right thing though, which is surely the most important consideration. She couldn’t force her in laws to consider her eldest their grandchild (she isn’t), so she deprived her youngest of having a relationship with them. What’s that resulted in? A bad relationship with her youngest children who blame and resent her for it, and two siblings estranged from the third. Not sure how that’s a fantastic outcome tbh, or how ‘being right’ is anything other than cold comfort.

Agree, but seems other posters Agree with op and her eldest, it doesn't matter if the younger dc are hurt or upset, as long as they didn't get something the eldest didn't that's app that matters. And if anyones to be upset in all of this it's the op?

Indeed. Apparently if she them to fuck off and that she’s right they’ll magically fall into line and agree though. It’s amazing how many parents seem to think they can dictate the opinions of their children, and can’t comprehend this having negative consequences they’ll have to live with.

It’s cost the eldest a relationship with her siblings, and damaged OP's relationship with her youngest two. But that doesn’t matter, because she’s ’right’.

Think you are blaming the wrong person here, her in laws chose to treat the eldest non bio daughter ( a child by the way) differently . they have also with the blessing of the dad given the youngest children to treat her differently too too weak to stand up to his family. Imagine how bad the eldest daughter treatment would have been by her own siblings if they had earlier contact with fathers family. I wouldn’t have had children with this man if he treated my daughter so poorly.

Simplification much? OP hasn’t stated anywhere that this issue is the sole, main or even a cause of the DC’s current relationships. I’m sure there is more to this family’s lives than the few lines we know of here.

And no one has suggested OP tell her kids to f* off. The OP can handle the situation in rl how she wants, but what she’s trying to establish is if she should feel as rotten as her daughters are trying to make her feel. She can still hear them out either way, but sometimes it’s useful getting a sense check on a situation and assessing where your own judgement lies. It seems in this case opinion is fairly evenly divided, meaning it’s clearly not some universal standard that the OP has failed to meet – it was a tricky situation with no clearcut consensus on the right way to handle it.

They were nice to her, they just didn’t consider her their grandchild because she wasn’t.

You can blame them if you like, but clearly their actual grandchildren don’t. They blame OP for what she chose to do, which is deny them a relationship with their grandparents. You may think she was justified in that course of action, but that really doesn’t matter. What matters is that her children do, and the consequences of their actions have hardly resulted in a great outcome. How do you think the eldest daughter feels to have, despite what you or OP think should have happened, grown up with two sisters that resent her? That are estranged from her? How do you think OP feels now she’s realised what her decisions have meant for her relationships with her two youngest? Clearly she isn’t feeling great about it. ‘Being right’ has come at significant cost, and she’s paying it.

What do you want the OP to do, beat herself with a stick and perform hari kiri?

No, there isn’t universal opinion. Op will of course have people telling her she’s right, but she’s the one that has to live with the consequences of her decisions. It doesn’t seem like she’s enjoying doing so.

I don’t want OP to do anything. Maybe it’s something she can fix and maybe it isn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ whatever she does or doesn’t do is up to her, after all she’s the one that’s got to live with it.

It matters because biological relationships tend to be maintained where relationships break down, the non biological kind simply don't

You only have to read MN any day to know that this simply isn't true. Even more so these days when we are actively encouraged to cut people out of our lives.

I'm very firmly in the 'all children in the family' should be treated the same camp. There is no excuse for treating children, who all live together as a family, differently.

OP now your children are grown, and clearly upset by the decisions taken, maybe sit down with them all and explain why you chose the route you did. Not facilitating a relationship is not the same as stopping it, their dad could have easily stepped up to maintain a relationship. Hopefully they will understand your reasonings at the time even if they still don't agree with them.

So no solutions, support or constructive advice – just berating the OP repeatedly?

It’s almost like she posted on an open forum where people respond with their opinions.

Op is their mother not a random auntie. She was right to protect ALL of her children. I wouldn’t stand for special treatment of some and not others either. What decent mother would?
The children are adults mow and can have a relationship if they want one. Yes it’s really disappointing that dh’s family were not kinder and a close relationship was not possible, but that is a matter for them, not op. The responsibility lies with them.

I agree with notlucreziaborgia.
OP, you need to understand that the damage you’ve caused through the choices you made might take years for your younger two to get their heads round. And you need to begin by owning it, by telling them that you are sorry for the resentment and alienation that’s happening. Without being martyred about it, or fussing about your eldest.
Family counselling might help.
Two of your children feel that you had an older, golden child and they were punished over and again in lots of tiny ways for years. So now there’s a period of anger as young adults. Hopefully they’ll move through that and reform a new relationship with you.
But without honesty from you, to them and yourself, there won’t be any real healing.

Doesn’t mean they have to agree with her opinions, or indeed her actions.

No, OP is responsible for how she responded to them. Her youngest children disagree with what she chose to do in response, and that has in turn resulted in there being long term negative repercussions she’s living with, and will have to continue to live with.

Her in laws weren’t unkind to her eldest, they just didn’t treat her as a grandchild because she wasn’t and isn't one. Again, that’s not an unusual occurrence. The reality is that blended families are different to nuclear ones, and trying to force them to operate in the same way is only going to result in situations like this.

Say no more 👍

You did the right thing as a mother. They'll understand one day. Tell them they can have relationships now if it's so important to them but you don't have to interact with them. I'd give a lot of love to the eldest.

How anyone could treat a child differently to their siblings over a matter of biology is beyond me! Why make any child feel less important just to make the point that they are not biologically related!
And to all those asking if doing so would make them a cunt then my answer is yes, it absolutely makes you a cunt!

How anyone could treat a child differently to their siblings over a matter of biology is beyond me! Why make any child feel less important just to make the point that they are not biologically related!
And to all those asking if doing so would make them a cunt then my answer is yes, it absolutely makes you a cunt!

They are just in laws! No big deal. certainly not worth all of this Angst. Teenagers are known to make issues about all sorts. They can take it up with their father if they have a problem. He could have made the effort, but didn’t.

Treating children differently is unacceptable in my circles. Unthinkable. No wonder blended families struggle so much if people think this is in any way acceptable. It’s not. Young children can not be expected to understand the reasons and biology for the their poor treatment and can be very hurt and damaged through no fault of their own.

Also if the biological family were that bothered about having a relationship with their nieces and nephews, why couldn't they be magnanimous enough to embrace all three?
I absolutely would have done the same as you op, the in laws don't sound like very nice people imo

Are you telling the OP she doesn’t need to interact with her youngest two children?
I’d say ride the storm, OP. There may be a period of rage, indiscriminate blame and distancing by your children, but keep the door open and a light in the window. If you want them back, you need to put your personal desires on the back burner and understand how they feel, however unfair you feel it is.
Or move on, accept fate and focus on your eldest and your grandchildren.