Younger children turning on me.

[SlothsRUs]

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband.

They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute.

I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.

All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship.

In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

SiL always asked to have younger ones but not eldest in spite of having kids same age as eldest.

It was easier to leave all three with my mother but husband suggested we split them and I always refused. He was lovely to my eldest though.

When BiL car back to England his eldest handed camera to my eldest to take photos of the ‘real’ cousins.

Eldest is now single parent and has had unsuccessful attempts to form relationships with her father.

My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work.

Youngest daughter said my eldest was an embarrassment. Don’t know how to move forward. Middle one gone back to uni after reading week.

@NorthStarRising that is a good in hindsight analysis but where was her father in all of this?

He wasn't putting himself out.

In the moment it is understandable to see the unfairness in bright lights.

The in laws weren't awful but the point was made often enough for it to hurt.

These are children after all, and to be made to feel less than is very hurtful.

It is a regular theme on MN though.

TBH your update makes it even more clear that you prioritised your eldest. I don't think you did it maliciously, but more to try and compensate for the fact that her paternal family weren't around.

Like you say, you did it for an easy life and now it's come to bite you on the bum somewhat, but your husband could have done a lot more than he did, so please don't let them put all the blame on you.

FiL once asked middle daughter to help him make drinks to separate her from the older one, the following week when we were on holiday she produced 2 £20 notes that he had given her for her and youngest making eldest miserable on holiday.

They honestly sound like complete weirdos. Why were they so determined to make a point of singling one child out.

Why anyone would be so determined to exclude a child is beyond me.

In those days work would have a dinner dance in Park Lane, would people genuinely have sent the younger two to a house where they would have been spoiled and sent the eldest one to be on her own at my mother’s? I couldn’t.

This issue didn’t dominate our life together. I don’t think the younger two actively pined for the in-laws growing up. They did see them a few times a year but with eldest present as well.

Eldest’s father had other priorities. Would send money via my mother, generous amounts but inconsistent. Eldest initiated contact when she was thirteen. A few meet-ups but nothing significant. He took her to meet his mother a couple of times but no further contact.

Someone asked about my siblings. Younger brother with two much younger sons.

I don’t recognise making my daughter a golden child but accept that is how it might come across to strangers on the net.

People are projecting.

It sounds like you were overcompensating with your eldest because her dad was sent around. You ended up affecting them all but what’s done is done.

Your children will forgive you. They’re old enough to forge the relationships now.

Your dh should absolutely have fostered the relationship between his family and his daughters so he needs to own that. He probably did that for an easy life too.

Eldest’s father had other priorities. Would send money via my mother, generous amounts but inconsistent. - what happened with the money? Was it added to the family pot or spent on eldest?

I think if your dd had had a better relationship with her dads family things would have been different between you and your in laws.

I don’t recognise making my daughter a golden child but accept that is how it might come across to strangers on the net.

How do you think your younger two see things? Why do you think they are cross with you?

But surely if the two would be spoilt by their grandparents would the eldest not have the same from her grandmother, your mum?

Agree your update shows you prioritise eldest.
This issue didn’t dominate our life together. I don’t think the younger two actively pined for the in-laws growing up. They did see them a few times a year but with eldest present as well.

So they never got to see their paternal family without eldest?
Did younger 2 get to go out for the treat trips with eldest and her father, get given a share of the money he gave? Am sure you kicked off that he didn't give them money as well as it wouldn't be fair otherwise?

I don’t really have anything else to say.

I am still going to see middle one next week as the outburst was so seismic we need to reconnect and will do the same with youngest. Eldest knows nothing about this.

I don’t want to appear stupid by being an apologist for my in-laws but I don’t think it was a case of trying to exclude eldest more about wanting to treat their grandchildren… I accept outcome was the same.

They simply didn’t see her as a grandchild, I can’t imagine them sitting there cooking up ways to exclude.

Thank you. My first post and it’s done me good.

In those days work would have a dinner dance in Park Lane, would people genuinely have sent the younger two to a house where they would have been spoiled and sent the eldest one to be on her own at my mother’s? I couldn’t.

I could. Why would the younger two have been spoiled and not the oldest? Just as likely the younger two would have had a quiet sleepover with their cousin and the oldest would have been spoilt by your mother.
Mine would have all felt they got the better deal as the one on their own. In fact I have done similar with mine (all full siblings) where one has gone to one relative, and other two have gone to another.

I can see why the resentment is there. I suspect that what's happened here they're now realising all the times they were invited/asked and you turned them down.
You focus seems to be the times when the other two got something and the eldest was upset. Why didn't you smooth it over? They got £20 on holiday, "oh oldest, I have £20 for you too."
Middle one asked to do drinks, ask the oldest to help you with something.
ou assume it was because he wanted to separate the two from each other-that's an assumption, it may be because the middle one had offered earlier, or he knew she was more careful, or simply she caught his eye at the right time.

If you want to move forward, then you need to acknowledge that what you did was hurtful to the younger ones. Without using "but" or "I did it for the best" or "maybe" or "but your sister". If you don't acknowledge that you hurt them, albeit inadvertently, you are refusing to accept that they have a right to be upset.
What can seem small can also cause family rifts, and generally it's the refusal to admit that something has hurt that makes it blow up.

If your eldest daughter had involved paternal grandparents I doubt you would have expected them to consider your youngest children to be their grandchildren, or sent them with her when she visited. The same applies here - they weren’t unkind to her, but they didn’t consider her to be their grandchild. She wasn’t and isn’t. It wasn’t the responsibility of your in laws to make up for the failings of her paternal family, and it wasn’t fair to deny your youngest children opportunities to spend time with their family to spare the feelings of your eldest. They had and have feelings that matter too.

In those days work would have a dinner dance in Park Lane, would people genuinely have sent the younger two to a house where they would have been spoiled and sent the eldest one to be on her own at my mother’s? I couldn’t.

Of course. Surely your eldest would have loved some alone time with her grandma, doing stuff without two younger siblings hanging around? And your youngest two could have then had quality time with their grandparents too.

Still, it's done now. You can't worry about what you could have done.

Weird. My stepchildren have been a part of the extended family for over twelve years now. I'm glad noone thought to leave them in case the relationship were to break down in some mythical time in the future

My mother is not the spoiling type.

My eldest had no treat days with her father. Probably seen him to my knowledge, about four times.

I think OP was trying to keep all three children as equal family members, but in-laws wouldn't.
Younger two are old enough to hear and understand that. They sound awful in attitude toward oldest half sister.

I am still going to see middle one next week as the outburst was so seismic we need to reconnect and will do the same with youngest. Eldest knows nothing about this.

Why does your eldest have to know?

I mean you “protected” your oldest at the expense of your younger children having a good normal relationship with their families. Who’s failure was not treating your oldest as if she was their grandchild but yet did still buy her gifts just not as big or expensive or fancy.

Some of that protection could have been sitting down with your oldest and explaining in age appropriate terms why these adults treating dd2 and dd3 this way. That it’s not a reflection of her as a person it’s just they are not her grandparents.

Also the whole flower girl thing with that age gap I’m not shocked it was the younger two and not the oldest you just threw your toys out of the pram that’s all.

Blended families very rarely work for every member involved.

@MichelleScarn
Oh she doesn’t. I don’t want her to know. Someone asked up thread if she knew.

This is a case of the law of unintended consequences, that can sometimes happen in life.

Your inlaws may not have intended to be thoughtless towards your eldest, but they were.

When we have children, their pain hurts us deeply and you felt your daughters "otherness" acutely, and acted upon it as best you thought at the time.

It's good you are going to speak to your daughters.

Have a word with that husband of yours who was so quick to throw you under a bus....I would be SO pissed off over that, so disloyal of him.

If and when your daughters have children of their own, they will likely understand your position better.

A similar situation is how different families approach adoption within the wider family.

Some view the new baby as absolutely like a full family member or as my colleague was deeply hurt to hear, her MIL refer to her SIL's pregnancy, as her first "real" grandchild.

She never said a word but it absolutely cut her to the wick.
Her MIL didn't expect her to overhear and was apparently a kind woman, and ultimately that was how she felt, but words and actions have the power to really wound in such cases.

@OhmygodDont

What happened was cousin didn’t invite eldest at all so husband rang to ask if she could come. She said absolutely she could come but intended flower girls could now not travel from Ireland as their mother was having difficult pregnancy and would my two now like the gig.
We declined for all kids as it would have been too difficult. DH’s niece told MD about this. Kids were something like 11, 5 and 2.

You did what you thought was best for them all, at the time. There was no malice in it. I was never in that particular situation, when my children were young, but when my adult children complain about the way I treated them, in awkward situations, I always say that I was doing my best for them at the time. There are 2 step children in my wider family now, and we, as a family have always tried to treat them the same as all the other children, so there was no awkwardness or any question of parents having to limit visits etc.

I understand you op.

You did what you felt was best at the time. My eldest has no contact with his father. I would not stand by and watch him be blatantly treated differently.

People can say whatever they want but until you've been in this situation you cannot understand.

No decent mother will sit by on Christmas day and watch her youngest children be spoiled rotten whilst their eldest gets a token gift. Or split them up because eldest isn't invited.

Why would it have been 'too difficult' for 5 and 2 yo to be flower girls.
Most likely have walked down the aisle with older bridesmaid and looked cute in photos.
11 yo would have been with you and dh.
Did 11 yo want to be a flower girl?