Younger children turning on me.

[SlothsRUs]

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband.

They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute.

I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.

All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship.

In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

SiL always asked to have younger ones but not eldest in spite of having kids same age as eldest.

It was easier to leave all three with my mother but husband suggested we split them and I always refused. He was lovely to my eldest though.

When BiL car back to England his eldest handed camera to my eldest to take photos of the ‘real’ cousins.

Eldest is now single parent and has had unsuccessful attempts to form relationships with her father.

My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work.

Youngest daughter said my eldest was an embarrassment. Don’t know how to move forward. Middle one gone back to uni after reading week.

This all feels overdramatic to me!

Ah yes, because ‘it’s just in-laws, who cares’ definitely solves OP’s issues. And actually they’re the daughters grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins - family members they want to be close to.

Clearly it’s a big enough deal to them, given the impact it’s had and is having on their relationships with their sister and mother. You can’t assume they’ll come around to OP’s way of thinking either.

Plenty of children in blended families can indeed understand that they don’t all have the same family members in common.

I agree with this.

Your in-laws sound pretty terrible and it seems like they are poisoning your youngest 2. To me, it seems like this dynamic of manipulation and favoritism and victim blaming is all on the in-laws and it's a shame your young 2 DDs can't see how messed up this is. But, they are young and likely eat up the idea of 'poor me' that a lot of young people employ. They seem to have zero empathy for their oldest sister and that's too bad. Does DD1 have feelings about this or are you trying to shelter her? Ugh, so sorry about your youngest DD's behavior. Sounds like DH should have a convo w/ his two youngest and explicitly explain how his family caused this and you are not to blame.

The dc need to grow up and learn a thing or two about emotional intelligence.

The in laws are unkind and disgusting for mistreating a small child. If the dc want to pursue a relationship with people like that, that’s up to them, op doesn’t need to go along with it!

No, they don’t need to agree with OP because you think they should.

OP can stick to her guns and ignore the feelings of her younger children if she wants. It’s up to her if ‘being right’ is more important to her than having a good relationship with two of her children. Like I said, she’s the one that has to live with it.

So your middle daughter has found her cousin, gets on really well with her and laments the missed years of not being able to grow up together and have those fantastic cousin relationships.

You can't turn back the clock unfortunately. What is done is done.

Do you have any siblings yourself? Did your DC have cousins on your side of the family? Or have they had no cousins at all?

In my opinion you made the wrong choice. You 'decided not to split them up' yet the split is clearly there. You can't guarantee that siblings will let each other and now there is something else to poison the relationship between your eldest and the younger two.

FWIW I was your eldest. My DF's inlaws were lovely with me and I was welcomed as family, but not as their grandchild, because I wasn't.

I can't work out if your DH initially wanted to take the younger two when he visited his family, you didn't want to split them so he didn't - in which case you need to apologise to your younger two, or if your DH just chose to go alone in which case the onus is on him.

You can please some of the people, some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time. You can't change the past. You made choices based on protecting your eldest. Your husband made choices based on protecting his own energy levels. Your SiL made choices based on prioritising the younger two children. Whenever there is more than one child to think about, it is impossible to make all of your decisions agreeable to all parties. You can't undo it, so move forward. At 18 and 20, they are old enough to take charge of their own relationships with your in-laws. What is stopping them doing that now?

Also, why does youngest think eldest is "an embarrassment"?

Also, why does youngest think eldest is "an embarrassment"?

Unmarried single mother with some dodgy relationships behind her?

Exactly

He worked socks off and felt he didn’t have energy to take his own kids to his parents. He feels I should have done more to facilitate the relationship

This is a massive cop out by the DH. What kind of waster is too tired to see his mother and expects his wife to facilitate it. I'm team OP, I totally understand why you made the choices you did OP.

Agree with this. You did your best, with good intentions. Try not to take it to heart - at that age, daughters can be very critical of their mother and not big on nuance.

Don’t be so black and white. Op can acknowledge the situation wasn’t ideal for anyone, and the dc are welcome to have relationships with the in laws if they wish with her blessing, but she does not have to apologise for ensuring that all children are treated with kindness and inclusiveness. The in laws could have changed their behaviour, but choose not to, so it didn’t mean that much to them did it!

That did wonders for the sisterly relationships between them, didn’t it?

The in-laws weren’t willing to be dictated to by OP. Ironically neither are her daughters now. She doesn’t have to do anything but live with the consequences of the decisions she’s made, whether she likes them or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

her youngest daughters have their own perspectives and opinions, as they’re fully entitled to have. Not being wrong in her own eyes does not mean she’s not wrong in theirs (whether you or OP like and approve or not!). Pretending otherwise isn’t exactly going to help repair the damaged relationships here.

Stop being such a drama lama. Clearly you don’t have teens. They feel passionate about all sorts until they don’t anymore. Op should rise above this overreaction, and remember she did the right thing. The sister relationship is typical of teen girls. Honestly you are over thinking this. It will blow over in no time.

I know adults that have had this issue arise in their own families, and the impact has been felt long beyond the teen years. Wanting it to be a storm in a teacup doesn’t mean it is one.

Yes, OP can tell herself she’s right all she likes, she just may find that to be cold comfort when faced with the real life consequences.

My teens have been furious over the smallest of things over the years or any perceived injustice. They are hard wired to make mountains out of molehills. Now they are older they cringe at all the angst and hand wringing, it’s just part of growing up and establishing independence. Just nod along op, and remind them they can choose now.

She couldn’t force her in laws to consider her eldest their grandchild (she isn’t), so she deprived her youngest of having a relationship with them. What’s that resulted in? A bad relationship with her youngest children who blame and resent her for it, and two siblings estranged from the third. Not sure how that’s a fantastic outcome tbh

Yep. Basically the younger children were punished for their grandparents' action. You decided to punch down rather than up. Your younger ones lost out on a set of grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins, because instead of trying to work positively on that side of the family, you decided to do the mumsnet favourite and go no contact.

Yes I get that you felt angry, yes I get that they weren't being fair. But rather than address it and try to build their relationship with her, you knocked down your younger children's chance to know them.
Your DH shouldn't have let you do that, but you were the decision maker. You need to talk to your the younger ones, explain, and apologise. But for goodness sake don't give them more reason to blame their older sister.

I'd also say try not to panic too much and let all this ominous 'your children have decided!' 'Your chickens have come home to roost!' drama worry you. Your children are teens, very taken at present with the novelty of their shiny other family. They're also at an age where they're predisposed to blame you for everything. If your relationship with them has been strong over the years, you're not going to be dead to them over a new and exciting friendship with a cousin. If they're blananced girls, in time they'll start to reflect on the unpleasantness dished out about the mum they presumably love. Your in laws don't sound the nicest of people so in time when the novelty wears off they may well think differently. Explain yourself if you wish but no need to fall on your sword.

I'm confused, so the 'angst' and risk of upset of everything was worth denying and refusing a relationship for the younger sisters with their paternal family, and everyone was oh so awful to the eldest.
But the youngest being upset at this is ridiculous and they just need to get over it and their being upset still makes the eldest your golden child victim in it all?
The eldest seems to have been prioritised for years! What happened at the 16th birthday, did you have grandchild with you and make the day all about eldest and them?

I think the eldest was rightly prioritised given she was the receiving end of their unkind behaviour.

An adult might rationalise giving preference to the eldest, but if you are 7 and your 14 year old sister gets priority most of the time, and you feel you are cut off from your father’s family and miss out on aunties and grandparents and cousins because of your sister…and your 5 year old sister feels the same…
Then it’s understandable where the resentment comes from.
Then you are 14, she’s 21 and buggering around being free and independent and having relationships and later on a baby…and you still don’t get to see your family of have those relationships.
Then you’re an adult, find your cousin and like them a lot and you realise all the years of friendship you’ve missed out on.
Because of your mum
And her daughter
And her grandchild.
And you are even more pissed off.

And neither your mum or your half sister seem to care about your feelings at all, but your newly discovered family do, and pile on the emotional support.
At 18 and 20, they are still very young and perhaps volatile in their emotions and responses.They may take a while to get their heads around past events, if ever.

Absolutely @NorthStarRising and you find this family do want to see you, but all your mum and elder sister focus on is 'its not faaaiir, eldest wasn't given big enough presents or asked to be a flower girl decades ago. THATS what's important here!!'

Thank you for all the responses. I don’t feel that I have adequately conveyed the nuance of what has happened over the years.

When I met my husband my daughter was three. My in-laws already had 4 grandchildren so were established in their roles so while they were always pleasant I don’t feel that they felt the ‘desire’ to grandparent my daughter.

So for example at Christmas my child would be given a nice enough present if we were going to see them. Absolutely nothing if not.

When youngest came along I naively thought that she would be seen as a full sibling but she wasn’t. She was never maltreated as someone suggested earlier. If she were the other two would have supported my stance but the in-laws were always pleasant but the disparity caused my eldest upset.

This upset made life difficult. Sister-in-law lived in London and would just invite the younger ones so the cousins could know one another but this left eldest upset. If we needed childcare I wasn’t willing to split my children up.

The younger two did see their grandparents (and the others) occasionally. FiL once asked middle daughter to help him make drinks to separate her from the older one, the following week when we were on holiday she produced 2 £20 notes that he had given her for her and youngest making eldest miserable on holiday.

The girls are not estranged and get on well with the younger two falling out with each other more than either of them with eldest.

Someone asked about the TK Max debacle. I was with all of my daughters and my eldest daughter’s two children.

The niece is BiL’s daughter not SiL’s, I think that she has been quite factual.

FiL is now dead and eldest wasn’t mentioned at funeral and SiL texted middle daughter to say that she and youngest were to go in funeral car.

Well I did what I did probably for an easier life not foreseeing the consequences which have really affected me and them.

Sounds like you were doing your best OP.

How convenient for your husband now to side against you on this.

Apologise for your mistakes that were made with the best of intentions.

I wouldn't be looking at my husband the same though.

You daughter sounds like a right piece of work calling her older sibling an embarrassment and having a go at you.

Give her LOTS of space.

With your latest update it really does sound like you just prioritized your eldest and her feelings over everything else. Of course that was going to cause resentment in the younger two. Rather than encouraging the eldest constantly stewing and being “miserable” about things it would have been better to start explaining to her about the different sets of grandparents/family as soon as she was old enough to start to understand. Especially since you said they always treated her nicely, they simply didn’t treat her as their biological grandchild/niece.

Obviously that’s all moot now, but I think it does at least give you an idea of where to start with the younger two. Acknowledging that you were wrong is a big start and is probably something that they need to hear from you. Hearing them out without trying to argue points with them or justify things will also help. It will be a long process to repair things though.