Younger children turning on me.

[SlothsRUs]

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband.

They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute.

I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.

All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship.

In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

SiL always asked to have younger ones but not eldest in spite of having kids same age as eldest.

It was easier to leave all three with my mother but husband suggested we split them and I always refused. He was lovely to my eldest though.

When BiL car back to England his eldest handed camera to my eldest to take photos of the ‘real’ cousins.

Eldest is now single parent and has had unsuccessful attempts to form relationships with her father.

My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work.

Youngest daughter said my eldest was an embarrassment. Don’t know how to move forward. Middle one gone back to uni after reading week.

All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship.

This bit is weird – the niece is grown up and teaching at a uni, but telling your uni age daughter that you ‘stopped them having a relationship’? Or is this your daughter’s spin on a more innocuous conversation?

Sounds like weird shit stirring, I just can’t imagine this scenario – I suppose this must be established narrative in your DH’s side of the family, as I can’t imagine being in the same position as the niece and whispering that sort of thing in your daughter’s ear about my aunt / her own mum

Reading back your OP too it seems off and unfriendly for your SIL to have offered to have just the two younger kids but not the eldest. I can’t imagine being so rude as to voice that one of someone’s kids isn’t welcome but two of them are

This exactly.

You prioritised your older dd over your younger 2.
When eldest dd came home with presents from her dad side were the younger children get anything - of course not. If dd’s family weren’t involved that is where your annoyance should have been placed not with your husbands family.

it’s a shame that your eldest was always at the forefront of your relationships

You apologise and say that you thought you were doing the right thing but accept that you obviously made some mistakes and hope that you can talk it out.

You were shortsighted in your approach. Your daughter looking crestfallen at present giving is not a reason to limit contact for the other two children - she would have gotten over this with age and explanation.

And I don't know why you didn't frame her time with your mother as 'special time with granny' rather than depriving the others of a relationship with their Granny.

I understand why you feel so protective of your older child but you did get it wrong.

Your husband should have taken a stronger stance at the time, not ganged up on you when your other DC brought it up. So he's in the wrong there.

This is the potential end point of plenty of threads on here over the years of people being told to cut off or limit contact with one side of the family where a step child isn’t including in absolutely everything. The step child should be treated with kid gloves because their parents aren’t together. Their half siblings should put up and shut up because their parents are together.

Not something I realised I should have tried to take advantage of as a step child. Not something I adhere to as a step mum or many years.

But a very common view on here.

Thing is 9 and 7 years older, how can you treat them the same? But I see the sil has an older one the same age so it is off, I assume this is the 27yr old post grad student teacher at the uni near your 20yr old. Who likely has always disliked your eldest, possibly down to her mums narrative or maybe she didn't invite your dd because of her daughters irrational dislike for her even then.

I have to agree with your in laws to an extent. At the end of the day your eldest is not your in laws family and you have prioritised her over your younger children's relationship with that side of the family

Yes you could have separated them when needed though, as the large age gap means you would have to for any summer camps etc anyway. Too late now though!

You husband sounds like an awesome stepdad and human, and I think it’s really sad that you put hurdles in the way of his own children having a relationship with his parents.

How utterly awful.

I'm so sorry OP you're in laws have been feeding hate into your DCs about you and your DD over the years and your DH knew it.

Their behaviour is on them - all of them.

Your youngest DC sounds snobby and horrible too about her sister. So what if she's a single mum. Does that define her or mean she'll never make anything of her life? No. It sounds like she's doing OK, but years of being the one blamed for the in laws behaviour and purposely being missed out in terms of presents must have caused her harm.

I don't know what the resolution is, you need to have this out with your DH. If your DCs don't want anything to do with you, that's their choice - a poor choice, but it's theirs to take. They both need to grow up and think about things. Good luck when you visit your youngest DC, but don't expect it all to smell like roses afterwards. She already knows your DD was being left out, but felt entitled enough that she should not have been....

I may be in a minority here, but I can never understand how adults could deliberately and obviously single out a child for different treatment because she isnt a blood relative. What is it that people think makes their genes so sacred? And would they apply this to an adopted child too?
The argument about protecting themselves from getting attached doesn't really fly in the context of a stable marriage and when people cut off contact with blood relatives all the time. Besides which, an adults fear of possible future hurt shouldn't justify the othering of a child brought into their family.
My point OP, is I sympathise with you and don't care much for the way your in laws have behaved. I understand why you wanted to keep a distance from them. I also agree your H should have maintained the relationship. He is equally to blame, but you (as the non blood relative!) are your inlaws scapegoat. Meanwhile your H gets to stay comfortably on the fence, having neither upset you by telling you no, or upset them by actively supporting you.
I think its now down to your H to step up to rescue this. He needs to own his role in allowing this to happen rather than let you take the blame alone.

I would have done exactly the same op.

It is cruel of them to make your child feel so sad and be treated differently! Any decent family would have been careful to avoid this, and included her - she was just a little girl.

Please ignore the pp blaming you. Your eldest child deserved your protection. Your dh could have easily facilitated a relationship if he had felt it was important.

Tell your dds that you would have done the same for them, if the situation had been the other way around.
Now they are adults they can do as they please, but need to be aware of the facts as they were. I would not stand for any of my dc calling each other an ‘embarrassment’ that sounds very much like shaming a single mother to me. Unacceptable.

It doesn’t really matter if people agree with OP that the in laws and her daughters are wrong, does it? Because her actual children disagree with the decisions she made, and that’s having an impact on her relationships with them. Telling them they’re wrong and to ‘fuck off’ is hardly going to improve matters, or make the consequences something OP wants to live with.

They’re under no obligation to agree with her. It’s all well and good to say the in laws should have considered her eldest their granddaughter, but they don’t and didn’t. It’s not an unusual position. Unfortunately how OP chose to deal with that has had negative repercussions for the youngest children. They’re perfectly entitled to feel as they do about it, despite what their mother would prefer to them to feel.

It always comes back to bite you op. I have seen this happen so many times, it always causes resentment. You have to own what you did and take the consequences. Children should not be used in this way ‘to prove a point’ I would apologise so you can try ans move forward.

Your dc sound as if they are being heavily influenced by a toxic relative. Don’t back down. Your decision was the right one. I would never let my children be treated differently and one to feel excluded. It’s grossly unfair and irresponsible as a parent to repeatedly put your eldest child through that.

Your in laws don’t sound like nice people op. Bottom line and no loss to anyone.

As opposed to influenced by OP?

They may just genuinely disagree with what OP chose to do. Of course she can dig her heels in and insist she was right, but how’s that going to work out for her?

God I never got it when posters would say some mnetters will find a way to man blame, but then I read this
I think its now down to your H to step up to rescue this.
Yes the dh is to blame for the op refusing to allow her younger dc a relationship with family because her eldest wasn't given as many or big gifts as she wanted and as a tween/teen wasn't asked to be a flower girl so no one was allowed?

I'm with you OP, you had to advocate for your eldest DP as no one else would. TBH with a child from another relationship, if their dad isn't around, I think you need to overcompensate a bit. They will be super aware of their own difference.

OP, as you suggest you will you should go and see your two younger daughters abd let them tell you how they feel. Try really hard not to get defensive. Acknowledge their feelings. Then ask them if they will also do the same for you. Or to listen while you explain how you acted with the best of intentions. Maybe some decisions were for the best, maybe others weren’t. Hold your hands up if you feel there’s anything you genuinely got wrong. Good luck. Weird they’re so nasty about your eldest daughter. Did you treat her as a favourite, in trying to compensate for her lack of dad?

This, and the martyrdom of the thread title of 'children turning on me' because they are now saying 'hey that actually wasn't fair to us. Makes me wonder if op and eldest aren't always expecting to be centred in things and sulk when not

OP,

Was there any favouritism shown towards your eldest? Extra attention because you deemed she needed it? Were you more lenient towards her because, in your perception, your youngest two had both parents together and eldest didn't? Even the smallest of things can be seen to be favouritism through a child/teens eyes...

Edit - spelling mistake

Gosh what horrible children you have, they've obviously inherited their empathy and kindness from their fathers side....so their sister is an embarrassment?!? My brother has a similarly blended family, I often forget which of the children are not biologically his, my family, parents, sisters in laws etc don't treat them differently at all. If one of my daughters is a flower girl so is his, it makes me feel unwell thinking of a child being deliberately excluded because they are related. Honestly I'm always shocked at the attitude to siblings step children on this, thought it was likely an English thing, but no your father in law is Irish, what awful people

They haven't fully grown up and realised that their parents are flawed but had good intentions... as is the case with most parents.

I'd stick to your guns. You did it for the best reasons. And it wasn't just you - your husband had a say, too.

I have a blended family myself - two are my dc, then there's my dsd, then our shared dd. Neither myself nor DH will tolerate anyone treating them unequally - we'd rather have smaller presents for all the kids than have the stepchildren left feeling 'less than'. It's how we make our unit work and we will never apologise for it.

Family is as family does. We can also choose our family, like when we choose to get married. I don't get all this 'bloodline' stuff, it's silly.

Well I don't know about you, but there's no way I'd allow my partner to prevent me and my children from having a relationship with my family if I wanted that for them. If I thought my partner was being unreasonable or controlling then I'd have stepped up from the offset.
Alternatively, if I thought my family were being unfair to a child I was treating as my own, I'd have been clear with them that wasn't on and supported my partner.
Unfortunately whether due to laziness or lack of backbone this man appears to have run with the hare and the hounds and neither prevented the distancing nor supported his wife in the aftermath. They are his family and his children, he is an equal parent, and he is equally to blame for passively sitting by leaving things to the OP to decide and take responsibility for.

So @5128gap whatever he'd done would have been wrong?
Wouldn't have allowed the partner to stop their family seeing the kids, but would have supported them in their wish to stop the family seeing the kids?