Younger children turning on me.

[SlothsRUs]

I feel my whole world fell apart at the weekend my middle daughter turned on me followed by youngest and totally supported by husband.

They accused me of sabotaging their relationship with husband’s family, something I absolutely refute.

I do admit that I stopped ‘facilitating’ the relationship because the behaviour of the in-laws had a negative impact on my eldest daughter from a previous relationship.

All this came about when middle daughter started spending time with DH’s niece who teaches at adjoining uni to the one Middle daughter started at last year. She told MD that I stopped them having a relationship.

In-laws were always nice to my eldest one but there was different treatment to the other grandchildren so it was difficult to go round there. There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

SiL always asked to have younger ones but not eldest in spite of having kids same age as eldest.

It was easier to leave all three with my mother but husband suggested we split them and I always refused. He was lovely to my eldest though.

When BiL car back to England his eldest handed camera to my eldest to take photos of the ‘real’ cousins.

Eldest is now single parent and has had unsuccessful attempts to form relationships with her father.

My husband could always have ensured they saw that side but he tended to go alone after work.

Youngest daughter said my eldest was an embarrassment. Don’t know how to move forward. Middle one gone back to uni after reading week.

Well they could have treated your eldest better what kind of cunts leave a child out just because they arnt blood related tbh they started this you carried it on and your husband helped he was "too tired" to take his own children to see family after work? Found the energy to visit himself thought didn't he

And your kids can fuck off dragging it up now and dragging their sister because of choices you AND THEIR FATHER made for them as children

Clearly it’s an opinion… she’s asking for views on this because of her children’s opinions, if you don’t think those are relevant I can’t imagine you are going to be much help to the OP. Mine and your views never seem to align on threads so I’m not going to reply to you any further, I don’t think it helps anyone.

The issues at Christmas began before my middle daughter was even born when eldest’s face would literally fall when she saw husband’s nieces ad nephew and everything they had been given by in-laws when she would be given one present. It was difficult.
When FiL’s sister came from Ireland there would be presents for younger two but not eldest. I accept this wasn’t necessarily cruel just thoughtless.

Where were eldests gifts from her own paternal relations? If there weren't any, thats what you should have been working on - the issue is with your eldests family. You can't force a step family to step in because biological relatives have been shit.

Well they could have treated your eldest better what kind of cunts leave a child out just because they arnt blood related

Exactly! I mean, why would you be so desperate to operate a two tier system

I have no idea who you are

Why couldn’t all three kids have been flower girls, if they were that bothered? Why did your husband’s family not make the same effort to treat the three young siblings the same? Can’t fathom how a group of adults would not include all 3 children equally

A relative of mine included a step niece in a wedding party

The relationship broke down 3 years later, and what little bond there was between extended family and the step child rapidly dissipated. My cousin now regrets this as there's the random unrelated child scattered through her family wedding photos.

It matters because biological relationships tend to be maintained where relationships break down, the non biological kind simply don't. It's not the same and people don't feel a connection "forever" in the same way they do with biologically relatives.

I wouldn't get a child that wasn't adopted or a blood relation a present to the same value as what I get my actual nieces and nephews. I also wouldn't overly invest emotionally in them. Been there and got hurt and won't put myself in that position again. not for anyone.

I'd be kind, there would be a present, but they wouldn't get a present to the value of my actual blood or adopted family. And if that makes me a cunt, so be it.

How far out is this treating kids the exact same supposed to go?

If one of my children has a step sibling, am I supposed to divide my estate 4 ways not 3? And if not why not?

I accept that may be your cousin’s experience, although on a personal level I admit I can’t really understand why someone would be hung up with ‘regret’ over a child in their wedding pictures.

Surely their father could have decided to take them to see his wider family? If not he's decided as well as the op that he didn't want to do that. Not sure why it's OPs sole fault.

I don’t understand this. My mum’s best friend made no difference between her son’s stepdaughter and their biological grandchildren. Just treated them all the same. The child’s father had pushed off and she did not see his family so to my mum’s friend all the children were her grandchildren. I actually think that buying nieces gifts and ignoring the older child is appalling.

I feel the same. Even if you really do only care about your own blood relations (all a bit medieval bloodlines but ok), making one kid feel left out in your niece/nephew/grandchild’s family home isn’t creating a nice warm experience of the world for them either.

Yes, a bit crudely expressed but I do agree with the sentiment.

Ok I have a terrible headache. I think I am going to go up to see my middle daughter next week and simply say that I did my best with the cards that were dealt.
As for my husband, he is a decent bloke. I think we got into routines with the in-laws which just became entrenched and time flew and the kids are the age they are now.

When youngest was 16 we went to the cinema, a pizza and nipped to TK Max in Charing Cross Road. I came out and literally collided with this bearded man carrying an instrument when I looked up his face started to crumble and it was my eldest’s dad! He didn’t even know he was a grandfather!

My youngest thinks this incident ruined her birthday and brought this up yesterday.

My eldest had a few unsuitable relationships and stayed out maybe twice. Typical teenage stuff. The other two paint her as the devil incarnate. She has a degree, works for a charity and is doing ok.

Your younger two sound like they could do with some work on their attitudes. Does your DH spoil them?

I don’t think they were spoilt. They both work very hard. Ironically my husband, in terms of taste has more in common with eldest. He goes to play with grandkids and looks after them on his own.
I keep thinking I am imagining this nightmare. It was awful.

I think it’s shockingly poor form to give more presents to some children than others on Christmas Day.

I agree.

That story doesn’t really make sense. Did you also have your grandchild with you but forgot to write that? So he saw the grandchild and was surprised? Or did you just bump into him and immediately leapt to tell him about the grandchild he didn’t know he had? If it was either of those I can understand why your youngest felt that her birthday had been spoiled. If it was the latter, there was no need to tell him anything as it wasn’t really your concern. If it was the former, surely you could have spent her birthday with her alone and not had your grandchild along too.

I agree with a previous poster that it sounds like you have always heavily favoured your eldest and it has caused massive resentment from the younger two. That could certainly cause them to paint her in a dim light the way you describe as well.

No way are you wrong. In my family, we don't treat kids differently, and it's a blooming big family. Related or not, kids are kids. Adults should know and do better.
However, your younger 2 have grown up to be little brats. What on earth is wrong with them to be so vicious to your eldest, their sister?
I wouldn't be standing for that at all. If lay it out clear that you wanted the kids to be treated the same, and that was all. They can do what they like now they are adults, but they do not get to bully their sister.
Honestly it's ridiculous, even other adults such as the cousin aren't taking responsibility for trying to treat the eldest kid different, either she's a part of the family (which is through marriage) or none of them are.

My youngest thinks this incident ruined her birthday and brought this up yesterday
Did it ruin her birthday? Did it become the focus of the day?
Seems you have lots of excuses for eldest and lots of negativity for younger 2.
Seems eldests feelings were prioritised when they were children and younger are now getting told theirs don't matter they weren't big things. But they were big enough for you stop the younger 2 from doing them.

Sorry OP don’t understand the nightmare reference?

Sounds like your two youngest are giving you a hard time though. They could have a conversation without the vitriol.

Maybe it’s an age thing. Could they have some jealousy towards your eldest?

I don’t think that you did wrong, you protected your eldest, but I don’t know how you can make it right. Your youngest dc have the same attitude as their dads family. Eldest is the black sheep.
Have the two younger ones ever got on with their sister?

I think the younger two probably have a lot of built up resentment towards the eldest as they have been blocked from normal family relationships

So 7 and 9 years between eldest and other 2?
Sounds like younger 2 have spent their lives not getting to do stuff as their eldest sister wasn't included. Did you stop eldest going out at 18 because her younger siblings couldn't?