Was I in the wrong re meal?

[MealAIBU]

My parent wanted to go out for a meal for their birthday. Fine by me.

They told me which restaurant they were going to and I said I wouldn’t be able to go as the restaurant doesn’t allow under 18s after 6.30pm (they don’t kick them out but they’re not allowed to sit down and eat after that time and won’t be seated if you do) and parent had booked for 7.30pm. I’m a single parent. Said I hoped they had a good time though.

Parent asked if I could get a babysitter but I said I couldn’t as my usual sitters were going to the meal and 1 DC has SN so can’t just be left with anyone. They asked if I could ask the restaurant if DC could come, and the restaurant said no I could book for an earlier time or not bring. Parent didn’t want to go when there would be the chance of loads of kids around. Parent asked me to ask ExH to have DC an extra weekend as a one off but I knew it wasn’t possible as ExH lives 2 hours and works on the weekends he doesn’t have DC, I asked anyway but the answer was no as expected. Parent said they were going to this resturant at that time and I had to be there but there was no way I could be.

I wasn’t upset, it’s one of the drawbacks of having a DC with SN and being single, theres no-one to have said DC if everyone goes out for a meal. I dealt with it.

I am now being completely ignored and insulted by family members including parent whose birthday it was saying I didn’t make enough effort to go to the meal so they don’t see why they should make an effort with me. Apparently I could of just driven to ExHs house and dumped the DC on him and he’d have “had to deal with it” but if he’d have been at work when I left them they’d have sat outside his house in the cold and dark for potentially 10 hours or longer, DC with SN can barely manage outdoor PE at school in the Autumn and Spring terms so I doubt they’d have coped with longer, and they can’t just be left with anyone due to the SN, they don’t always sleep so it was a lot to ask someone to do, considering ExH will only have them for 2 nights a month due to it.

It means the one night a week 1 of my siblings was helping me with childcare (paid for by the way) has been taken away and my DC don't understand why.

Maybe I could of made more effort to go, and left DC with someone who doesn’t know them to sit with a child who may not sleep for a couple of hours but then I’d have had less to spend anyway as babysitters here are £15-18 an hour and they got to the restaurant for 7.20pm and left at almost 10pm so I’d have needed to spend £50-60 for what would work out as a £45 meal.

I’m the only sibling of 3 with children, so I’d have spent basically double what everyone else did.

WIBU to not go?

There’s no way I would do this to my child. I’d find somewhere we could all go.

Your family are arseholes sadly. You and your child are infinitely better offer without them x

How nasty of them. They had the choice of (1) celebrating their birthday on a different day (people often do); (2) having the meal in a place that allows children; or (3) accepting that family members with children, especially children with SN, might not be able to attend.

It is always unpleasant when people put a higher value on having a celebration exactly where, when and how they wish, than on accommodating a child's special needs, or at least graciously accepting the child's parents' inability to attend if these needs cannot be accommodated. It is doubly unpleasant if the child in question is their own grandchild.

Is there some 'family politics' involved; or do your parents and siblings have form for not accepting your child's disabilities? In any case, YANBU.

you do know not all SN children have the same needs right? OP mentioned 15-18 an hour , not that it’s impossible or that her child requires very specialised babysitters that aren’t available .

She made it very clear that it would be difficult to get a babysitter with whom the child would settle: leaving 'DC with someone who doesn’t know them to sit with a child who may not sleep for a couple of hours'. Of course not all SN children have the same needs, but it's fairly clear that OP's child has problems more severe than say, dyslexia or a slight limp; and that they might have problems settling with a stranger.

And the idea that the children should just be dumped at the ex's home whether he's available or not, shows that the grandparents are unrealistic, or uncaring, or resentful of having a disabled grandchild, or all of these.

In any case, 'making an effort' goes both ways, and the grandparents were making no effort to enable the OP and her children to attend. Which I suppose is their right, but then they shouldn't blame the OP.

Yep definitely. I always make a point of telling my 2, when we arrange any kind of get together; days out, birthdays or Christmas that of course it would be lovely to see them but if they can’t it’s absolutely fine, because parents aren’t supposed to make their children’s lives harder.