Was I in the wrong re meal?

[MealAIBU]

My parent wanted to go out for a meal for their birthday. Fine by me.

They told me which restaurant they were going to and I said I wouldn’t be able to go as the restaurant doesn’t allow under 18s after 6.30pm (they don’t kick them out but they’re not allowed to sit down and eat after that time and won’t be seated if you do) and parent had booked for 7.30pm. I’m a single parent. Said I hoped they had a good time though.

Parent asked if I could get a babysitter but I said I couldn’t as my usual sitters were going to the meal and 1 DC has SN so can’t just be left with anyone. They asked if I could ask the restaurant if DC could come, and the restaurant said no I could book for an earlier time or not bring. Parent didn’t want to go when there would be the chance of loads of kids around. Parent asked me to ask ExH to have DC an extra weekend as a one off but I knew it wasn’t possible as ExH lives 2 hours and works on the weekends he doesn’t have DC, I asked anyway but the answer was no as expected. Parent said they were going to this resturant at that time and I had to be there but there was no way I could be.

I wasn’t upset, it’s one of the drawbacks of having a DC with SN and being single, theres no-one to have said DC if everyone goes out for a meal. I dealt with it.

I am now being completely ignored and insulted by family members including parent whose birthday it was saying I didn’t make enough effort to go to the meal so they don’t see why they should make an effort with me. Apparently I could of just driven to ExHs house and dumped the DC on him and he’d have “had to deal with it” but if he’d have been at work when I left them they’d have sat outside his house in the cold and dark for potentially 10 hours or longer, DC with SN can barely manage outdoor PE at school in the Autumn and Spring terms so I doubt they’d have coped with longer, and they can’t just be left with anyone due to the SN, they don’t always sleep so it was a lot to ask someone to do, considering ExH will only have them for 2 nights a month due to it.

It means the one night a week 1 of my siblings was helping me with childcare (paid for by the way) has been taken away and my DC don't understand why.

Maybe I could of made more effort to go, and left DC with someone who doesn’t know them to sit with a child who may not sleep for a couple of hours but then I’d have had less to spend anyway as babysitters here are £15-18 an hour and they got to the restaurant for 7.20pm and left at almost 10pm so I’d have needed to spend £50-60 for what would work out as a £45 meal.

I’m the only sibling of 3 with children, so I’d have spent basically double what everyone else did.

WIBU to not go?

Def YANBU. Goodness the selfishness of those lot. You did great in putting your DC first and they can get lost if they are the type of ppl who suggest dumping your child sen or not outside anyone's House. Bloody cheek of it. Ask that one sibling if they still will babysit if and explain as you did here you made an effort and it didn't work out . It may be parent poisoning siblings against you. So explain ,ask and if no reply then cut ur losses. Send a family message saying the above and then leave them too all to it.

Your parents are bullies - cruel and toxic.

The fact that the rest of the family is now shunning you is an indication that they are well used to being deployed as flying monkeys and prioritizing appeasement of the parents above all other considerations, including basic human decency.

I second (third?) the advice to widen your support system. It's very clear that relying on your so-called parents is going to come at a huge cost. They see the money they were paying to cover your one day of help per week as entitling them to snap their fingers and make you jump through whatever hoops you have to in order to do whatever they want you to do.

Step back from these toxic people and find a chosen family instead.

There is no 'in the wrong' because we have no guidelines. You have to decide your own boundaries, and if it was right or wrong for you. Nobody can tell you that. You're looking for a higher moral judgement in the form of posts from strangers on the internet.

You know whether you thought it was right/wrong/good/bad, don't you?

Honestly don't let it bother you anymore, they chose knowing the issues, I'm sure it not the first time they have been so unreasonable

Bloody hell I don’t think I’ve heard such a selfish, nasty family.

You did nothing wrong.

I would say you’re well rid of them but it sounds like you need their help.

I would 100% explain to the family members that you asked around but no one could have your DC and that why would you want to miss out on a meal just to stay home and do nothing.

Why does your sibling look after your DC?
Could you get someone else to do it instead?

I would be very careful about relying on these people and I’d be distancing myself after this.

YWNBU. Your family don't sound very nice, sorry. Not sure if I've misunderstood @MealAIBU but are you saying that as a result of you not attending your sibling has now cancelled a regular childcare arrangement? That's awful

Let them stew. Just crack on and ignore. They are complete idiots.

wow. of course yanbu. they dont sound like a “family" tbh. couldn’t they go to another restaurant?

You could have tried to get your ex to swop weekends, even if you knew he would be unlikely to do it for whatever reason. I can understand your parent being hurt if they think you didn’t try and weren’t bothered about going.

Your family was being unreasonable. You couldn't get a babysitter and you couldn't bring your DC. Sometimes there is no solution other than not going. If they insisted on this restaurant they put up barriers you couldn't overcome. They could move the restaurant or time and then you could come.

Unfortunately your parent and family aren’t nice people. Some of us are lucky and have great families and others get dreadful parents and siblings. It’s not your fault. I would distance myself and ignore them.

I’m shocked that even 3% of posters think you were being unreasonable. How??? 🤯

Your family sound really thoughtless and selfish and OP. You did nothing wrong.

@MealAIBU I mean this kindly but you are well rid of them. Build a support network of people who will actually support you.

Separately, get your child used to being left with a couple of different people. Because you, and they, need that.

Your parent is being unreasonable obviously! Do they usually throw their toys out of the pram if they don’t get their own way?

That was her parent’s stupid idea. She was trying to explain why it was a stupid idea, possibly not realising that most of us here understand straight away why it’s stupid!

I will never understand how grown ass adults make such a big deal over birthdays. To fall out with your own child, for siblings to withdraw babysitting options (paid for, at that!), to treat your own grandchildren with such disregard....for what? A bit of attention? Hope it was worth it, "happy" birthday indeed.

She did ask.

”ExH lives 2 hours and works on the weekends he doesn’t have DC, I asked anyway but the answer was no as expected.

That was meant as reply to PP who asked why OP didn’t ask ex.

You are defiantly not being unreasonable!

I would go to McDonald's on a bloody Saturday afternoon if it meant my SN grandkid could attend and I had all my family around me celebrating my birthday!!

I'm sorry OP, they're not good to you. :(

They sound like idiots! I would ask them what they expected me to do? They chose a children restaurant on an evening when you had the kids and the only people who babysit them would be at the meal? Why make it as difficult as possible for you to attend if they actually wanted you there?

I'd be annoyed at the parent, and even more annoyed at the petty sibling who has let your kids down by cancelling the weekly meet up (as well as cancelling your break!).

Tbh it would result in me dramatically reducing contact with all of them.

I would try and make some links with another source of babysitting. I appreciate that will likely cost money but you do need some form of back up plan if Ex / dad is inflexible.

If your parent really wants you there they would choose an earlier time. As a parent of 2 with special needs. They are the one's being unreasonable. If you have someone from outside the family to look after them you would need to pay two sitters. So the SN child has one to one. Or in my case they insisted on two carers for one child for respite. But was the same two carers doing the respite. So I had the other child which wasn't really giving me a break.

I can't imagine my parents booking somewhere not suitable for my children when they were younger, and they book dog friendly to include their "grandson" even though he can stay at home (old dog loves his own space)

But how much notice did you have? If 3 months, switching with your ex is a perfectly reasonable request, if 2 weeks a lot less so

If they wanted you there they would have made an effort...