Was I in the wrong re meal?

[MealAIBU]

My parent wanted to go out for a meal for their birthday. Fine by me.

They told me which restaurant they were going to and I said I wouldn’t be able to go as the restaurant doesn’t allow under 18s after 6.30pm (they don’t kick them out but they’re not allowed to sit down and eat after that time and won’t be seated if you do) and parent had booked for 7.30pm. I’m a single parent. Said I hoped they had a good time though.

Parent asked if I could get a babysitter but I said I couldn’t as my usual sitters were going to the meal and 1 DC has SN so can’t just be left with anyone. They asked if I could ask the restaurant if DC could come, and the restaurant said no I could book for an earlier time or not bring. Parent didn’t want to go when there would be the chance of loads of kids around. Parent asked me to ask ExH to have DC an extra weekend as a one off but I knew it wasn’t possible as ExH lives 2 hours and works on the weekends he doesn’t have DC, I asked anyway but the answer was no as expected. Parent said they were going to this resturant at that time and I had to be there but there was no way I could be.

I wasn’t upset, it’s one of the drawbacks of having a DC with SN and being single, theres no-one to have said DC if everyone goes out for a meal. I dealt with it.

I am now being completely ignored and insulted by family members including parent whose birthday it was saying I didn’t make enough effort to go to the meal so they don’t see why they should make an effort with me. Apparently I could of just driven to ExHs house and dumped the DC on him and he’d have “had to deal with it” but if he’d have been at work when I left them they’d have sat outside his house in the cold and dark for potentially 10 hours or longer, DC with SN can barely manage outdoor PE at school in the Autumn and Spring terms so I doubt they’d have coped with longer, and they can’t just be left with anyone due to the SN, they don’t always sleep so it was a lot to ask someone to do, considering ExH will only have them for 2 nights a month due to it.

It means the one night a week 1 of my siblings was helping me with childcare (paid for by the way) has been taken away and my DC don't understand why.

Maybe I could of made more effort to go, and left DC with someone who doesn’t know them to sit with a child who may not sleep for a couple of hours but then I’d have had less to spend anyway as babysitters here are £15-18 an hour and they got to the restaurant for 7.20pm and left at almost 10pm so I’d have needed to spend £50-60 for what would work out as a £45 meal.

I’m the only sibling of 3 with children, so I’d have spent basically double what everyone else did.

WIBU to not go?

@Figmentof When you celebrate, especially a big birthday, it all depends on when it falls and who you want to celebrate with, and how convenient you make it for people to join you. For my very big birthday this year, which fell on a Thursday, I had a house party for friends three weeks before, a celebration with family two weeks after and a brunch with my husband and one of my children on the day, followed by a small, midweek supper with four very close friends - a spur of the moment decision. No way would I expect people I wished to celebrate with to cancel their plans for holidays, festivals or other commitments just to be with me on the day of my birthday. But then, I don't particularly like to be the centre of attention.

Why don't u post this to the group chat. Then everyone can see what an arsehole they are xxx

You’re not unreasonable at all, your family were being selfish arseholes

To all the posters saying you should have tried harder to get a babysitter. Sen babysitting is like unicorns. A myth. Unless you can throw £40 an hour at it.
I think your family did this completely on purpose so they had an excuse to treat you this way. Talk about scapegoating. Big hugs. Xx

Also why would any child want to eat so late, by the time they get served it would be 8ish, my kids would be a nightmare by then....so sorry for you OP.

Other than taking DC to his dad’s, you tried everything within your means.

I didn’t go to my mum’s 80th meal because it was a five-hour drive for us with DC4 and booked for the time he would usually go to bed. It was in a city centre restaurant and we’d have to make the five-hour journey home the next day ready for school and work on the Monday. DM & DS could not understand my reason for not wanting to go.

When there was only 1 child in our family that child was spoiled with everyone making sure they felt welcome! No way would grandparent have organised a meal/do and not catered for the child to be present.
Birthdays are over rated!
Time to make some new friends and contacts.
If there is a family WhatsApp group or anything like that, I'm at the age I would screen shot everything that was asked of me and everything I tried to do to accommodate and then I would go ahead an share with the whole family especially those being rude etc etc let everyone understand you tried to attend and it didn't happen, end of! No need fir anyone to be rude or withdraw child care support etc

I agree, and also, she shouldn't feel like she has to get a sitter. I don't use them, unless family, and I don't apologise for that. When you have kids you make your choices

God love you OP, with such a truly horrible family.

I suspect this treatment isn't in isolation.

Look after yourself and try not to allow your vile family upset you.

They sound like complete bullys.

My Sen kids would have not settled at all back when they were small. So I would have left halfway through anyway. I couldn’t just leave them with a stranger however much experience they could have, even if I could afford one or even find one. If you had to have a family member help with childcare because you couldn’t get any other childcare why when it’s a birthday do they think you can suddenly produce childcare?

I'd tell them all to fuck off. It doesn't sound like you have much to lose.

I bet this isn’t the first time you have been scapegoated and I suspect was set up to give a reason to withdraw childcare. I bet it’s not the last time either.

"I am now being completely ignored and insulted by family members including parent whose birthday it was saying I didn’t make enough effort to go to the meal so they don’t see why they should make an effort with me."
They set you up to fail, deliberately. Chose a time and a place you could not make. Made a song and dance about it, including that breathtaking suggestion you abandon your children at Ex's. Giving them the excuse they feel they need to cut you out of their lives. Short version - your family are cunts.

"It means the one night a week 1 of my siblings was helping me with childcare (paid for by the way) has been taken away and my DC don't understand why."
Like I said - cunts.

Your parent is self absorbed - possibly narcissistic - and the rest of the family dance attendance on them. Possibly through fear of being their next target. Sorry, but you'd be best to distance yourself from them. All of them.

If you had abandoned your children at your exs when you knew he wasn’t there you would be in jail pretty soon so how is that the answer to going to a damn party! Crazy cunts. Be glad you don’t have to be part of that shitshow again. Don’t even look back and block them everywhere.

OP obviously YANBU but do babysitters cost £15 to £18 an hour now? Is that with an agency? Because how can anyone afford to go out in that case??

of course not being unreasonable. Your parent set up a meal that you couldn’t attend. They insisted on the restaurant and time. Perhaps they have a problem with how you parent and think DC should be able to deal with spending an evening with someone they weren’t familiar with. Do you think this might be it? Sounds like the support you got was very conditional so not very supportive. I would get a paid babysitter to replace the lost free time you had, or ask exh to chip in a bit more so you don’t lose your freedom because of it. Single parenting is hard but when people play silly buggers with their commitments to help it’s even harder. They are being very very unreasonable

They’re £15-£20 and hour where I am. DS haven’t had a single date night in the 5.5 years we’ve been parents because we can’t afford the extra £60 on top of the cos of a meal.

Your parent sounds very entitled! If they were so adamant you had to be there why didn’t they book earlier so you could attend. Being asked to check if the restaurant would allow your children in when they shouldn’t be is ridiculous, they booked later so won’t have to be around other peoples kids but are ok with trying to have your kids around other diners who may feel the same 🤷‍♀️

What a shower of arseholes, that’s not family, family don’t treat people like this.
Please OP when the sibling comes crawling back because they are missing the money please do not allow them to. I’d say oh well that would be amazing but I can no longer afford to pay you because of x, y and z.
Im so sorry that u have such a horrible and unsupportive family, you have done nothing wrong.

As the OP mentioned babysitters for 15-18 an hour and how her meal would have thus cost her more than double her siblings it seems that it was mainly the cost holding her back.. but is it that you don’t want to spend it or you don’t have that amount to spend? For a parents big birthday , once every 10 years I think you could have maybe made more of an effort. You mentioned also that your sibling has been providing weekly childcare, that’s a big help and ask on them if it’s every week.. I can see why they are upset you didn’t show up

Your family are horrible, selfish wankers. I can't understand how some parents can be so cruel and unfeeling towards their children.

They sound awful. I especially like the bit about them not wanting to eat earlier as they didn’t want kids around but wanting the restaurant to make an exception for your child later.

Booking a child-free restaurant for any event when there is a good possibility of their grandchild being there, is totally unreasonable. They're acting like you were asking them to move the meal earlier for DC's bedtime etc. They made their bed. 100% on your parent. Ps I am the only member of my siblings not to have DC so I've never been in your position but this is just common sense.

Leave them to stew OP, they are being utterly ridiculous

Of course they are being unreasonable. I had a Mil like this, refused to move Sunday lunch (nap time) Apparently a bunch of adults couldn't eat an hour earlier. HAD to be 2pm. We just never attended.
A few years later her own daughter had a baby and lunch time moved!!

She lost out on all visits..it was a blessing. Just rise above it and be grateful you don't have to go.. The answer is always the same "I have to put the children first"