Was I in the wrong re meal?

[MealAIBU]

My parent wanted to go out for a meal for their birthday. Fine by me.

They told me which restaurant they were going to and I said I wouldn’t be able to go as the restaurant doesn’t allow under 18s after 6.30pm (they don’t kick them out but they’re not allowed to sit down and eat after that time and won’t be seated if you do) and parent had booked for 7.30pm. I’m a single parent. Said I hoped they had a good time though.

Parent asked if I could get a babysitter but I said I couldn’t as my usual sitters were going to the meal and 1 DC has SN so can’t just be left with anyone. They asked if I could ask the restaurant if DC could come, and the restaurant said no I could book for an earlier time or not bring. Parent didn’t want to go when there would be the chance of loads of kids around. Parent asked me to ask ExH to have DC an extra weekend as a one off but I knew it wasn’t possible as ExH lives 2 hours and works on the weekends he doesn’t have DC, I asked anyway but the answer was no as expected. Parent said they were going to this resturant at that time and I had to be there but there was no way I could be.

I wasn’t upset, it’s one of the drawbacks of having a DC with SN and being single, theres no-one to have said DC if everyone goes out for a meal. I dealt with it.

I am now being completely ignored and insulted by family members including parent whose birthday it was saying I didn’t make enough effort to go to the meal so they don’t see why they should make an effort with me. Apparently I could of just driven to ExHs house and dumped the DC on him and he’d have “had to deal with it” but if he’d have been at work when I left them they’d have sat outside his house in the cold and dark for potentially 10 hours or longer, DC with SN can barely manage outdoor PE at school in the Autumn and Spring terms so I doubt they’d have coped with longer, and they can’t just be left with anyone due to the SN, they don’t always sleep so it was a lot to ask someone to do, considering ExH will only have them for 2 nights a month due to it.

It means the one night a week 1 of my siblings was helping me with childcare (paid for by the way) has been taken away and my DC don't understand why.

Maybe I could of made more effort to go, and left DC with someone who doesn’t know them to sit with a child who may not sleep for a couple of hours but then I’d have had less to spend anyway as babysitters here are £15-18 an hour and they got to the restaurant for 7.20pm and left at almost 10pm so I’d have needed to spend £50-60 for what would work out as a £45 meal.

I’m the only sibling of 3 with children, so I’d have spent basically double what everyone else did.

WIBU to not go?

If they'd wanted you there they wouldn't have made it impossible for you to attend.

Are you often set up to take a load of flak?

I'd refuse point blank to discuss it further, with anyone, unless they're apologising. To the point of leaving their company or hanging up the phone if they start going on about it.

Tbh, they sound like arseholes, you'll probably enjoy the peace and quiet if you ignore them for a while!

I agree with @PuttingDownRoots Choosing a weekend when the DC are with your ex would have been a perfect solution.

Either she plans an event where the whole family is included, or she has to understand the fact that you have to look after the children. Absolutely her choice, and no reason that people should be ignoring you now.

This.

Your family have been horrible and very unfair.

Wow, you have very shitty parents.

Stupid choice of restaurant if they wanted your dc there - they were never going to make an exception.

And why not choose a weekend when your exh has your child?

Not unreasonable at all, but moving forwards I would start gradually look at expanding your options of people who can care for your child in an emergency (this was absolutely not but imagine for example a family member was very unwell and your usual or ExH couldn't have him). It's not an easy task but you will inevitably end up in this situation. Missing a meal is nothing, but something way more important may one day come up and having all your eggs in one basket is not wise.

I think it's sad that your parent wanted a big birthday meal without their grandchildren there, and even more so that they put you in such an awkward position when they know you don't have anyone to leave them with. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Suggest to them that if they want you to be available for these things they'll have to pay for a specialist carer for your DC.

your parent and family are totally unreasonable. I can't believe how selfishly they're behaving and I don't blame you for not going to the dinner.

Apart from that, would it be an idea to start phasing in a new babysitter or two so your child can get used to other people looking after them, and it gives you more options if your paid family member isn't available for any future occasion?

As @GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut said “If they'd wanted you there they wouldn't have made it impossible for you to attend.

Are you often set up to take a load of flak?

It certainly looks like that and is something my parents would have done.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, they were beyond selfish. And they’re now ignoring you for not spending a lot more money than anyone else and possibly distressing your child? Moronic.

I’d guess the others expected you to share the cost which if you aren’t there you won’t do.

Perhaps if you kicked up a stink about being deliberately excluded by choosing a time and place you’d never be able to do, they’d have cut you some slack.
The could have booked a night when your DC are with the dad- might have been a couple of weeks early/late at worst.

Your parent is very unreasonable, and unwilling to compromise, understand your predicament or meet you halfway.
You did make several efforts to find a solution but it wasn't possible.
Its worse that the parent then engaged your siblings to join in and berate you.

I suspect they've been doing this for a long time and frankly you are well out of it. I'd be taking a BIG step back from this bullying behaviour.

Is there anyway you can talk to the relative who helps you once a week. They must have more understanding of your situation and perhaps were not told the full facts by your parent.

I second what a pp said about starting to try to establish an emergency back up plan that doesn't rely on these folks. Maybe another parent who has a child with similar condition, so that you could help each other out if needbe?

Of course they were completely unreasonable.

And then punishing you for their bad behaviour?

And your sister/brother charges you to babysit?!

You may or may not continue to have a relationship with them after this, but don't forget this time that they showed you who they were.

Prioritise people in your life who actually care about you.

What a cruel thing for your parent to do! To create a totally impossible situation for you and then to berate you for not magically resolving it. They set you up to fail here - what bastards!

The fact your parent didn’t just either book a different restaurant OR book a weekend lunch slot speaks volumes!

They’re not being kind to you at all - and for the others in the family to also being having a go at you….awful.

I would try distancing yourself from them all for a bit.
They sound super unsupportive!

Its not like you didn't try to arrange around them.

Its just not practical for you. End of story.

Let them sulk. Their loss.

Your parents are bat shit crazy and incredibly thoughtless. They can have their shite celebration where ever they want and are entitled to a child free evening, but to take it out on you for not going? Unforgivable and good riddance.

Well I think your family are being arseholes about it but I also think that you could have gone if you really wanted to. Yes the babysitter would have made the evening out more expensive, but you dont actually say in your op that you couldn't afford it. For an adult only night out for a parent's special birthday you could have made more of an effort.

You’re not unreasonable OP. Your parent doesn’t seem to get the complications of both being a single parent and a parent of a SEN child. Both are enough reasons for not always being able to do an evening out. I’d not have a babysitter for my SEN children, the cost and long need to settle them with someone they don’t know is absolutely not worth it. They could have compromised on a night you could come or accepted that you couldn’t come to that night. Any annoyance is of their making.

Horrible parents uou have and family

You are a single parent and have a sn child

So can't just find a babysitter due to their sn

But equally it's double the cost for you

If they wanted you there they could have

Chosen a diff restaurant

Gone earlier so sitting down at 630 and meal for 7

Paid for a babysitter

takeaway at home

Don't dh like their 3 grandkids /see them much ?

I am assuming your family does not cope well with change and finds it hard to understand anything outside of their quite narrow life experience. I'm sorry your family sucks.

Bizarre. Even the other kids whose families sat down at 6.30 would still have been there at 7.30 anyway, so you all could have done that!

You sound like a wonderful, committed, loving mum!

Never doubt your own judgement and instincts OP as they are sound.

How sad that they are so utterly ignorant as to have no idea of your lovely, good nature in spite of your struggles.
They should all be congratulating you instead of insulting you.
Shame on them!

Have a pizza party with your dc that night instead.

Mmmm. . .

How would they have felt if every other family to book that night had made the same request, and you had all been allowed to bring DC and the place was full of kids?

Of course the restaurant isn't going to make exceptions - your family are being very unfair towards you.