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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I in the wrong re meal?

155 replies

MealAIBU · 13/11/2023 12:46

My parent wanted to go out for a meal for their birthday. Fine by me.

They told me which restaurant they were going to and I said I wouldn’t be able to go as the restaurant doesn’t allow under 18s after 6.30pm (they don’t kick them out but they’re not allowed to sit down and eat after that time and won’t be seated if you do) and parent had booked for 7.30pm. I’m a single parent. Said I hoped they had a good time though.

Parent asked if I could get a babysitter but I said I couldn’t as my usual sitters were going to the meal and 1 DC has SN so can’t just be left with anyone. They asked if I could ask the restaurant if DC could come, and the restaurant said no I could book for an earlier time or not bring. Parent didn’t want to go when there would be the chance of loads of kids around. Parent asked me to ask ExH to have DC an extra weekend as a one off but I knew it wasn’t possible as ExH lives 2 hours and works on the weekends he doesn’t have DC, I asked anyway but the answer was no as expected. Parent said they were going to this resturant at that time and I had to be there but there was no way I could be.

I wasn’t upset, it’s one of the drawbacks of having a DC with SN and being single, theres no-one to have said DC if everyone goes out for a meal. I dealt with it.

I am now being completely ignored and insulted by family members including parent whose birthday it was saying I didn’t make enough effort to go to the meal so they don’t see why they should make an effort with me. Apparently I could of just driven to ExHs house and dumped the DC on him and he’d have “had to deal with it” but if he’d have been at work when I left them they’d have sat outside his house in the cold and dark for potentially 10 hours or longer, DC with SN can barely manage outdoor PE at school in the Autumn and Spring terms so I doubt they’d have coped with longer, and they can’t just be left with anyone due to the SN, they don’t always sleep so it was a lot to ask someone to do, considering ExH will only have them for 2 nights a month due to it.

It means the one night a week 1 of my siblings was helping me with childcare (paid for by the way) has been taken away and my DC don't understand why.

Maybe I could of made more effort to go, and left DC with someone who doesn’t know them to sit with a child who may not sleep for a couple of hours but then I’d have had less to spend anyway as babysitters here are £15-18 an hour and they got to the restaurant for 7.20pm and left at almost 10pm so I’d have needed to spend £50-60 for what would work out as a £45 meal.

I’m the only sibling of 3 with children, so I’d have spent basically double what everyone else did.

WIBU to not go?

OP posts:
RecoveringBorderline · 14/11/2023 18:05

Wow! You are not the one BU here. Are they usually this toxic about other things too?

Daleksatemyshed · 14/11/2023 18:15

Are your DP's usually OK with your DC Op because the only logically reason I can see here is that they wanted you to come alone. You don't invite someone with DC to a restaurant that doesn't allow children in unless you're trying to force them to leave the DC at home. I'm sorry everyone's been such a letdown to you, first your useless ex, now your parents. Don't let them blame you Op, they knew what they were doing

PinkLemons99 · 14/11/2023 18:23

Kisskiss · 14/11/2023 17:21

As the OP mentioned babysitters for 15-18 an hour and how her meal would have thus cost her more than double her siblings it seems that it was mainly the cost holding her back.. but is it that you don’t want to spend it or you don’t have that amount to spend? For a parents big birthday , once every 10 years I think you could have maybe made more of an effort. You mentioned also that your sibling has been providing weekly childcare, that’s a big help and ask on them if it’s every week.. I can see why they are upset you didn’t show up

What a twatty response from a clearly clueless individual. 🤦🏻‍♀️

You appear to have zero empathy regarding parenting a SN child, especially as a Single Parent. You can’t just ask the nearest teenager to look after the child. The babysitter needs to be someone who knows the child’s needs and is an experienced carer. Paying for someone with that skill set doesn’t come cheap.

Also, OP said that the sibling was being PAID to babysit one night a week. FFS, who would expect to be paid to babysit your own neice or nephew? 😳

Any DECENT parent of adult kids would never put that sort of pressure on their DC and would do everything they could to ensure ALL of their children could attend, so starting with booking somewhere that allows children.

We managed to do that when DH was 70.

NewYorkCheesecakeASAP · 14/11/2023 18:32

They made it impossible for you to go, they could have at least been a bit flexible. e.g have it on a weekend that your ExH can take the children / go to a different restaurant that lets children eat / have it at a different time of day...so many options that if they thought it was important for you to go, they could have made. It is really sad when people impose their selfish views and requirements on others. Don't feel guilty at all, they knew your situation before this was arranged.

Pickingmyselfup · 14/11/2023 18:44

Kisskiss · 14/11/2023 17:21

As the OP mentioned babysitters for 15-18 an hour and how her meal would have thus cost her more than double her siblings it seems that it was mainly the cost holding her back.. but is it that you don’t want to spend it or you don’t have that amount to spend? For a parents big birthday , once every 10 years I think you could have maybe made more of an effort. You mentioned also that your sibling has been providing weekly childcare, that’s a big help and ask on them if it’s every week.. I can see why they are upset you didn’t show up

How could she have made more of an effort? Pulled money out of a magicians hat so she had unlimited funds to not only get a (potentially non existent babysitter) not only for the meal but a couple of settling sessions?

Forced her ex to have their child?

Forced the restaurant to accommodate said child?

Been psychic as to when this event was happening several years ago so that with the money from the hat she could have planned lots of babysitting sessions?

If I plan an event and I want specific people there I plan it around them. Would it have hurt to plan it a couple of weeks earlier/later/any other time so that OP didn't need to worry about childcare.

I'm not a single parent but I can't just rock up at an event when it suits other people.

StaunchMomma · 14/11/2023 18:44

You did the right thing, OP. Your child should be your priority.

I'm sorry your Mum is so manipulative and demanding and that her flying monkeys are being such momentous shits.

Please don't let them guilt you into apologising. If she'd really wanted you there she would have changed the time or venue. Instead, she chose to make a power play in order to make you choose between her and your child. She lost. That's her problem to get over.

TheRealLilyMunster · 14/11/2023 18:46

Your family are being unreasonable.

I would back right off from them if it was me, and let them get on with it. Life's difficult enough as a single parent, without all their shit to deal with.

LBFseBrom · 14/11/2023 18:50

WiIIowT · 13/11/2023 12:58

Selfish arse parent!

Too right!

phoenixrosehere · 14/11/2023 18:57

Kisskiss · 14/11/2023 17:21

As the OP mentioned babysitters for 15-18 an hour and how her meal would have thus cost her more than double her siblings it seems that it was mainly the cost holding her back.. but is it that you don’t want to spend it or you don’t have that amount to spend? For a parents big birthday , once every 10 years I think you could have maybe made more of an effort. You mentioned also that your sibling has been providing weekly childcare, that’s a big help and ask on them if it’s every week.. I can see why they are upset you didn’t show up

Literally says in OP’s first post:

It means the one night a week 1 of my siblings was helping me with childcare (paid for by the way) has been taken away and my DC don't understand why.

If you’re going to tell someone they didn’t do enough (she completely did more than enough) at least read and comprehend the OP’s post.

Her mum knows her circumstances yet still chose to be ridiculous about her not coming even though it is entirely on the mum. Granted, it was the mum’s birthday but if she really wanted OP there she could have bit the bullet and did an earlier time knowing the restaurant wouldn’t allow her grandchild.

welcometothnuthouse · 14/11/2023 19:20

It's only a fucking birthday dinner ffs! What planet do some of your family live on?
Your dc comes first over this shit. Let them ignore you, they will realise how stupid they are being eventually especially if they aren't seeing you or dgc so much.

Kisskiss · 15/11/2023 01:15

PinkLemons99 · 14/11/2023 18:23

What a twatty response from a clearly clueless individual. 🤦🏻‍♀️

You appear to have zero empathy regarding parenting a SN child, especially as a Single Parent. You can’t just ask the nearest teenager to look after the child. The babysitter needs to be someone who knows the child’s needs and is an experienced carer. Paying for someone with that skill set doesn’t come cheap.

Also, OP said that the sibling was being PAID to babysit one night a week. FFS, who would expect to be paid to babysit your own neice or nephew? 😳

Any DECENT parent of adult kids would never put that sort of pressure on their DC and would do everything they could to ensure ALL of their children could attend, so starting with booking somewhere that allows children.

We managed to do that when DH was 70.

Edited
Show quote history

you do know not all SN children have the same needs right? OP mentioned 15-18 an hour , not that it’s impossible or that her child requires very specialised babysitters that aren’t available .
she also said she pays her sibling but not how much, maybe it’s petrol money ( maybe not) but every week is still a big commitment and if her child is very high needs then still a huge help unless she’s paying a huge amount . If she’s paying a market rate then maybe it’s better to just pay someone who is not family to keep things clean , as has been discussed many times on many other topics on this AIBU board.
I’m just saying that maybe if her family is helping a lot they were hoping for some commitment back on a 1 in 10 year birthday. It’s a big birthday after all and if it was the 60/70/80 .. I guess you never know how many of those are left

Manthide · 15/11/2023 08:10

My parents have always wanted the whole family (children, grandchildren, great grandchild) at their 'big' birthdays. They only have 2 dc and 4gc so not that many. This year dm was 80 and my dd1 couldn't make it as she's a doctor and had already booked leave for her delayed honeymoon. It wasn't a problem.
Your dparents and siblings are being totally unreasonable.

Trakand01 · 15/11/2023 11:21

Wow. I’m sorry your family is like this OP. My family would literally change their plans to allow my child to come. She’s the star of the show as far as they’re concerned.

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2023 11:48

Kisskiss · 14/11/2023 17:21

As the OP mentioned babysitters for 15-18 an hour and how her meal would have thus cost her more than double her siblings it seems that it was mainly the cost holding her back.. but is it that you don’t want to spend it or you don’t have that amount to spend? For a parents big birthday , once every 10 years I think you could have maybe made more of an effort. You mentioned also that your sibling has been providing weekly childcare, that’s a big help and ask on them if it’s every week.. I can see why they are upset you didn’t show up

She already pays the sibling

I would never have a big celebration that my DC and DGC can't come to,

The OP's family are horrible

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2023 11:49

@MealAIBU Come off the WhatsApp group. Ignore them (hard I know)

and they'll either come to you or they won't.

That will tell you all you need to know

cmaalofshit · 15/11/2023 15:12

Awful behaviour from the parent.
They could have had the meal earlier or they could have chosen another restaurant but no, they set you up to fail.
The fact you wrote an extremely long post justifying yourself in fine detail says a lot really. You're used to having to justify yourself. You are used to criticism and having to defend yourself.
Try to ignore them ignoring you if possible. It's ridiculous, pathetic behaviour and you did absolutely nothing wrong.

Jitterybugs · 15/11/2023 16:39

As a grandmother I could weep reading your OP. Your parents booked the restaurant without giving any logical consideration to how you’d be able to attend. Then blamed you. What a selfish, inconsiderate pair of shits 😡

Trakand01 · 15/11/2023 17:28

I keep thinking about this. What sort of family has grandchildren as a ‘take it or leave it’?

Incant imagine my family suggesting I got a babysitter so I could go for a family meal. The kids are their family too…

DeadbeatYoda · 16/11/2023 17:12

I know, @Trakand01 I can't even compute this situation. No one in my or my exh's family would dream of putting me in this position. What a bunch of selfish twats.

Duechristmas · 16/11/2023 21:02

You don't need to make excuses, you are an adult. This runs deeper than you not turning up and it's very much not your problem.

Blueblell · 16/11/2023 22:00

If they wanted you there they should have been more flexible on a venue that allowed children. They must know your situation and whether it is really possible to find childcare ect. Don’t feel bad

SquigglyGum · 16/11/2023 22:16

The tone of your post is what's got me. The idea that these powerful people commanded your presence, with no thought to whether it was possible, and are now ostracising you. You, the single mum with a SN child, who made several attempts to make it work but was faced with complete inflexibility by the people who could be most flexible. They just didn't fancy it.

An invite is exactly that, an invite. To come and enjoy each other's company and celebrate. Not a bloody summons!!

I'm so sorry you had to come here and ask if you're being unreasonable. It sounds like they've done a real number on you and your self esteem.

So no, yanbu, they are being hugely unreasonable and I'm sorry you have such selfish inconsiderate arseholes in your life.

quivers · 16/11/2023 22:25

Parent said they were going to this restaurant at that time and I had to be there

In other words: 'Do as you are told'. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Do they not realise that you're a grown-up now, and you don't have to do as you are told any more?

Justanothermum42 · 16/11/2023 22:33

Your parent is being ridiculous! You should be the one upset as they clearly did not want your child to be part of the birthday celebrations….

Spendysis · 16/11/2023 22:35

Yanbu they are I am sorry they are treating you this way. I can’t imagine grandparents wanting to have a special birthday meal without their grandchildren but if that’s what they wanted they should of just arranged it for when dc were at there dads