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Original poster

Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

563 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 10:52

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

OP posts:
J316 · 13/11/2023 15:05

AngryBirdsNoMore · 13/11/2023 15:00

I mean…not if it’s common surgery overseas. It can’t be unique.

Google isn’t anything up for ‘injection scar that looks like bullet wound’…

Show quote history

The op didn’t say the operation was common surgery but an heart operation when he was a child.

She did say the vaccine was common in other countries, my guess would be the smallpox vaccine which does leave a significant scar.

Mikimoto · 13/11/2023 15:05

Of course you have to leave right now, but in an ideal world, you would have waited for a mass-family Sunday lunch to day "Btw, what regiment were you in?" in front of everyone...

Runnerinthenight · 13/11/2023 15:07

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 14:51

I've just messaged my mum to see if she could come pick me up. She's over an hour away so she'd have to set off now to beat him home.

@Muchtoomuchtodo thank you for the amazing offer but I'm a good distance from Cardiff <3

Mid message update: Mum's on her way

I am so so glad to read this.

Keep yourself safe xx

murasaki · 13/11/2023 15:09

Glad your mum is coming to get you. Can you take the pets?

vitahelp · 13/11/2023 15:11

My sympathies, I unfortunately had a close family member who was a pathological liar. Many of the lies weren't even beneficial and made them look worse, so it wasn't even to their benefit. They were just addicted to lying. And also ad a violent streak.

We confronted them with literal evidence (letters etc) and they still lied. Never saw them again, it has been over a decade now.

I hope you can get to safety and get away from him on a permanent basis. And then build yourself and your trust in people back up. It is a scary moment when you realise everything anyone has ever told you may not be true.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 13/11/2023 15:12

J316 · 13/11/2023 15:05

The op didn’t say the operation was common surgery but an heart operation when he was a child.

She did say the vaccine was common in other countries, my guess would be the smallpox vaccine which does leave a significant scar.

Show quote history

Ah good shout, thank you

TheSquareMile · 13/11/2023 15:16

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 14:06

Does he have his dog tags? Cap badge/beret?
Even ex squaddies who dispised army after kept those

  • No. He told me everything was at his parent's house abroad. I've asked for things like photos, etc, and he's never been able to produce. I've always been sceptical that he was actually military but I didn't want to poke the bear in case he was and he's destroyed everything due to bad memories. It sounds silly but he's always come across as a genuine person and honest so I tried to ignore my gut feel.

So in all the time you have been with him it never came up with his in laws about him being in the army? Even a mention?

  • He told me not to mention it to his mum as it upset her as she didn't want him to go. I've honored that wish but always paid attention to anything she's said regarding the family military background. She was mentioning everyone in the family who had servered when she was here just after surgery and his name never came up. That's when the alarm bells truly started ringing and I've been paying attention to every single detail this past week, hence me ringing MIL this morning.

I agree. OP, I remember your last post and I’m agog you’re still with this man.

  • I agree too :(. I wanted to wait until after surgery and getting my diagnosis and that's just opened my eyes to everything. He can't even respect me when I'm vulernable.

I don’t understand why you’re waiting to hear what he has to say. Who cares what he has to say? He’s a pathological liar and he will no doubt lie about why he lied.

  • I think that was shock speaking. I've had a chat with a close friend and I've realised that, irrelevant of this lie, he's been treating me like shit and it'll never get better. I've taken some steps to protect myself when he's home, like moving the ring doorbell to the living room and giving said friend access. I've given her a code word for if I need her to ring the police. I'm going to relocate the pets to a safe location so he can't hurt them, and put a door stop in my pocket so if I think he'll be violent, I can lock and wedge myself in a room. A small bag is also getting packed if I need to get out. I can't pack his things and throw the suitcase out as I'll end up pulling my stitches.

You should be even more wary about the the fresh onslaught of new lies; poor me; I'm suicidal; yada yada to draw you back in.

  • Saves me doing it :)

Have you considered the very real possibility that he may be a top secret international spy?
Either that or a massive wanker.

  • I think there could actually be a very real possibility that he's a massive wanker.

So for the whole time you’ve been together, including prior to getting married his mother never made a single comment about the life he had before you (in terms of his work for example) that would make it very clear that he had never been in the army and was in fact a plumber?!

  • Stories were mostly about his ex wife, what she did to him. She mentioned jobs he did, which corroborated what he had said, but never anything about the military. MIL absolutely loves a gossip and would tell me the juicy family stories. The military was 3 years of his life, apparently, so everything else he's told me about it matches what his mum has sad.

Get in touch with https://thewaltermittyhuntersclubhq.com/ and drop him in it.

  • Thank you! I will do.

Bcg scar that most people over a certain age have?

  • It's from a young age. Heart issue that needed fixing

Brrr, that's very intimidating. Is there anyone who would take you in? I think it's safest to get away from him as soon as possible.

  • I'm packing a bag and I can turn up at my mother's. She's got space and wouldn't need prior notice.

You could have him request a subject access report SAR via the veterans agency. That will supply a service leaver with a copy of their military service records. Everyone who has served is entitled to make the request. He is correct about having to hand his ID back, but no idea what the book is that he mentioned. Unless it is a record of his trade experience.

  • This is what baffles me. He must have done some really extensive research on it all as he knew so much. When I asked him about his military ID it was because I was trying to catch him out on the lie that he'd served but he came back with that answer. Then when I caught him in another lie about it yesterday that's when it's played on my mind that I had to find out for definite and the only person I could trust wouldn't lie to me would be MIL. I translated the text on the front of the book and it even says 'armed services' so I've no idea how he's got it.

You say that you have translated the text on the front of the book he showed you as 'proof' that he had served in the Army.

This would relate to an Armed Force outside the UK, then.

Which language is the original text in?

Nanaof1 · 13/11/2023 15:17

Jibo · 13/11/2023 13:26

Hello OP - this FB group (Walter Mitty Hunters Club) might help you get confirmation if you need it:
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61550628272522

Also, this old thread has some advice that you might find useful:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4426640-I-m-99-sure-my-friend-s-boyfriend-isn-t-what-he-seems

Here in the states they call it "Stolen Valor" It's so disgusting to even think someone would lie about such things.

PixieLaLar · 13/11/2023 15:17

Glad to see the update about your Mum, pathological liars are dangerous.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 15:19

J316 · 13/11/2023 15:05

The op didn’t say the operation was common surgery but an heart operation when he was a child.

She did say the vaccine was common in other countries, my guess would be the smallpox vaccine which does leave a significant scar.

Show quote history

Just googled this... looks about right

OP posts:
Twazique · 13/11/2023 15:26

When I saw a solicitor they wanted proof of my identity, so take your passport and drivers licence, a household bill and council tax bill. I would also take your marriage certificate as you will need that for an annulment/divorce. If you can also gather up paperwork about your house that too would be useful. I would also take a photo of the army book as proof he has lied about being in the army. No idea if you will need it but if you have time you may as well.

PictureOfFlorianTray · 13/11/2023 15:29

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and you're feeling so vulnerable right now.

Get all important documents before your mum comes then leave and see /call a solicitor.

I wish you well.

NovemberName · 13/11/2023 15:38

TheBunnyLover · 13/11/2023 13:22

@MrsPinkL is this a common thing? How strange. I am pretty sure one of my cleints lied about it too, some years ago but as he was just a client it didn't so much matter to me to get to the bottom of it.

This is VERY common in fact there's several Facebook pages where ex-military "out" these wankers!

TheChosenTwo · 13/11/2023 15:38

Glad your mum is coming to get you. What time does he normally get home?
Might be a good idea to let MIL know that you’re staying a few nights at a hotel or something so she knows your safe but also can’t tip off dh if he calls her to ask if she knows your whereabouts.
Do gently cobble yourself together some essentials, important documents (passport and driving license at a minimum), medication etc. disconnect the ring doorbell thing in case he can watch the footage back and hear you calling your mum - or anything else.
Bloody idiot that he is. It’s definitely a common fantasy for people to lie about this, gives a hero complex and also commands a lot of sympathy and understanding without questions being asked.

Spottywombat · 13/11/2023 15:39

Was it your DH that told you that you can't ringfence your deposit?

Hope you're safe, he sounds unhinged.

Nicole1111 · 13/11/2023 15:40

So glad you’re getting picked up. Do not confront this man alone. If you must confront him face to face at least make sure you’re in a public place. I’d also try and gather the army info and ask the police for a Clare’s law so you know all you can know.

NovemberName · 13/11/2023 15:40

Not true. Prince Harry did talk about his service action and gave a total of his “kills.” This wasn’t just speaking to someone, he wrote about it for anyone in the World to know! If he can, others can.

Did you not read any of the backlash he received from British military personnel???

I think Americans are "proud" of kills but definitely definitely NOT in the UK!!

drspouse · 13/11/2023 15:40

I still have a smallpox scar (I'm in my 50s but when I was under 1 we travelled somewhere that was nervous about where I was born - which is in Europe) and it's on my leg but I think most are on people's arms. You don't have to have been born in a remote area to have a smallpox scar.
Glad to hear your mum is on her way. Do you have important papers to hand?

Gazelda · 13/11/2023 15:42

I'm glad your Mum is on her way. Get a back of essential docs together and get out as soon as you can.
Text him once you're out of the house - "I've discovered the enormous lie about your army career. This is too far. I will not continue to be treated so badly by you, and lied to so freely. Our marriage is over. Future communication should be via solicitor"

Do NOT trust his mum. She might be a very lovely lady. Appalled at the lies her son has told you. Desperately sorry for what you're going through. But her instinct will be to make sure her son is OK. Once she knows you've left, he will be her priority.

Lovelymoon · 13/11/2023 15:42

Munchyseeds2 · 13/11/2023 14:54

I have no idea why you would think staying put until he gets in and confronting him. Is in any way a sensible idea?
Just leave ....sort everything out later, from a distance
He sounds unhinged

This!

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 15:45

He'll be home around 6ish. Mum should only be about another 15/20 minutes give or take. I've been playing it normal with him over text when he's been asking about my day and I'm glad I disconnected the ring doorbell so he can't see me leave.

I'm going to sign off now so I can pack my laptops up and make sure I've got the essential documents. Thank you everyone for your support. I didn't think I'd ever be going through this but it's amazing what life throws at you.

I'll try keep an eye on messages on my phone but I'll update everyone when I'm safe & settled.

x

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 13/11/2023 15:46

I've replied to your message, btw.

LAMPS1 · 13/11/2023 15:47

Well done …you have done the right thing in getting your mum to fetch you.
Good luck OP.

BorisIsACuntWaffle · 13/11/2023 15:48

Good luck 🍀

tara66 · 13/11/2023 15:48

I am not a doctor but it seems to me that the serious problem you should be very concerned about is that he is in fact completely deranged and you should not be just upset and cross that he has continually lied to you - so be careful.
He is not normal. Perhaps he actually believes he was in military - if so - YOU could easily become the ''enemy'' if you confront him angrily.

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