Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

[CinnamonSwirl82]

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

OP, please just go to your mum’s this afternoon with your pets.
Tell him you have an infection after surgery and your doctor advised complete bed rest for a week so you have gone to a relative who can look after you a bit. Buy yourself time that way.

Don't confront him at all. Ever.

Use the time to get legal advice.
Let the lawyer explain to him why you are seeking a divorce/ annulment, and why the house must be sold/rented out or whatever you decide is best after legal advice.

Never see him again. Nothing to be gained by confronting him or trying to talk to him, or arguing with him or even with listening to more of his lies and excuses and poor me stories. He sounds so dangerous with his killing talk. He will know you don’t believe him.

I know you only found out this morning so you are in utter shock. Your world has turned upside down but you need to act quickly and decisively to safeguard yourself and your pets.
Get out before he comes home.

I'm afraid you married a weirdo

What the actual fuck

GET OUT!
Or you could be next!

I've just had a thought.

I've always hated that he 'was military' because he'd always go on about it and the thing that I hated about him the most actually isn't true and it's going to be the thing that destroys us.

I'd have liked him more if he'd have just told me how boring and uneventful his life was.

Funny.

You're clearly worried about his temper and together with this huge, huge lie, I think you're right to think that way.
I don't think I'd be hanging around to find out how angry he'll be, we'll certainly not without having back up with you.

What was the cuddling a friend thing all about?

This is good advice. Get away to protect yourself and the pets. Contact a solicitor about divorce. Communicate with him via the solicitor. Don’t confront him about the lying.

@CinnamonSwirl82 your safety right now is the priority.
You sound as if you have some lovely friends but if you’re anywhere near Cardiff I can come to take you to your mums

Just get out and get safe. Don’t worry about anything but being in a safe space. You have no idea how he will react so your priority is to get to a safe space. Don’t try and find out why he is like this or seek answers from him. Don’t be another statistic.

The more you say OP the more I think a confrontation is the wrong thing to do. He's going to panic for a start. You don't want someone with a temper and violent tendencies in a panic situation.

@CinnamonSwirl82 Be very careful how you broach this subject. Is there somewhere safe you can go so you can have this conversation at a distance? A man with psychological and physical scars from something who is also fantasist sounds pretty dangerous to me.

I've just messaged my mum to see if she could come pick me up. She's over an hour away so she'd have to set off now to beat him home.

@Muchtoomuchtodo thank you for the amazing offer but I'm a good distance from Cardiff <3

Mid message update: Mum's on her way

I appreciate you're in a delicate state but could you get a taxi to drop you off at a service station or something?

I remember your other thread OP. Sorry this is happening to you. But like you said you know in your gut so you do what your gut tells you in this situation. Only concern here is your safety please make sure that your not putting yourself in a vulnerable position

I have no idea why you would think staying put until he gets in and confronting him. Is in any way a sensible idea?
Just leave ....sort everything out later, from a distance
He sounds unhinged

Well done @CinnamonSwirl82 , you're doing the right thing.

OP I'm so glad you are going to your Mum's. It's simply too dangerous for you to stay, hope you can get away OK before he returns.

I wouldn't confront. You have listed multiple incidents that suggest he could very well become violent. Most worryingly of all is that your gut instinct is that he could become violent. Listen to your gut - even if you want to ignore the evidence.

Leave.

Go to your mums. Contact him via email and keep it simple - along the lines of:

Your whole backstory is a lie. Not only a lie - but the conversations that we've had around killings that never even happened, have made me question exactly who you are and what you are about.

This relationship isn't for me - i will be filing for divorce
I currently have no interest infighting with you, forcing the truth from you, humiliating you or telling people about your lies - so I suggest we get through the divorce process as quickly and amicably as possible.

And keep correspondence to a practical minimum.

Crossposted - see your mum is on the way. Good decision. Get out of there.

I mean…not if it’s common surgery overseas. It can’t be unique.

Google isn’t anything up for ‘injection scar that looks like bullet wound’…

No, she said MIL confirmed he comes from a military family.

From the OP:-
"He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt."

Glad you’re ok OP, and out of there.
My mother lives on the same street as a fantasist, he tells everyone he was in the Navy and has stalked a few women and been cautioned for it. So so strange

Very glad to hear your mum is coming to get you. Agree with pp that there’s nothing to be gained from a confrontation. Get a solicitor appointment asap and never see this dangerous man alone again.

My friend was with a guy like this. Only his was the SAS. Constantly alluding to 'missions' etc. With him it didn't stop at that, there were all kinds of lies, and it was all done for control. When she tried to leave him he hit her, then stalked her, then made it his life's work to destroy her reputation with anyone she'd ever met.

Be careful, OP. These men aren't wired up the same way as normal people, and destroying their fantasy life that they've built around themselves can lead to all kinds of unpredictable behaviour. You absolutely need to leave, but you need to protect yourself.

I completely agree with these posters.

Go to your mum's. Do not confront him either. What is it going to achieve? He will only spin more lies, and you are not safe with him.

Take care xx