Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

[CinnamonSwirl82]

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

Does he have his dog tags? Cap badge/beret?
Even ex squaddies who dispised army after kept those

• No. He told me everything was at his parent's house abroad. I've asked for things like photos, etc, and he's never been able to produce. I've always been sceptical that he was actually military but I didn't want to poke the bear in case he was and he's destroyed everything due to bad memories. It sounds silly but he's always come across as a genuine person and honest so I tried to ignore my gut feel.

So in all the time you have been with him it never came up with his in laws about him being in the army? Even a mention?

• He told me not to mention it to his mum as it upset her as she didn't want him to go. I've honored that wish but always paid attention to anything she's said regarding the family military background. She was mentioning everyone in the family who had servered when she was here just after surgery and his name never came up. That's when the alarm bells truly started ringing and I've been paying attention to every single detail this past week, hence me ringing MIL this morning.

I agree. OP, I remember your last post and I’m agog you’re still with this man.

• I agree too :(. I wanted to wait until after surgery and getting my diagnosis and that's just opened my eyes to everything. He can't even respect me when I'm vulernable.

I don’t understand why you’re waiting to hear what he has to say. Who cares what he has to say? He’s a pathological liar and he will no doubt lie about why he lied.

• I think that was shock speaking. I've had a chat with a close friend and I've realised that, irrelevant of this lie, he's been treating me like shit and it'll never get better. I've taken some steps to protect myself when he's home, like moving the ring doorbell to the living room and giving said friend access. I've given her a code word for if I need her to ring the police. I'm going to relocate the pets to a safe location so he can't hurt them, and put a door stop in my pocket so if I think he'll be violent, I can lock and wedge myself in a room. A small bag is also getting packed if I need to get out. I can't pack his things and throw the suitcase out as I'll end up pulling my stitches.

You should be even more wary about the the fresh onslaught of new lies; poor me; I'm suicidal; yada yada to draw you back in.

• Saves me doing it :)

Have you considered the very real possibility that he may be a top secret international spy?
Either that or a massive wanker.

• I think there could actually be a very real possibility that he's a massive wanker.

So for the whole time you’ve been together, including prior to getting married his mother never made a single comment about the life he had before you (in terms of his work for example) that would make it very clear that he had never been in the army and was in fact a plumber?!

• Stories were mostly about his ex wife, what she did to him. She mentioned jobs he did, which corroborated what he had said, but never anything about the military. MIL absolutely loves a gossip and would tell me the juicy family stories. The military was 3 years of his life, apparently, so everything else he's told me about it matches what his mum has sad.

Get in touch with https://thewaltermittyhuntersclubhq.com/ and drop him in it.

• Thank you! I will do.

Bcg scar that most people over a certain age have?

• It's from a young age. Heart issue that needed fixing

Brrr, that's very intimidating. Is there anyone who would take you in? I think it's safest to get away from him as soon as possible.

• I'm packing a bag and I can turn up at my mother's. She's got space and wouldn't need prior notice.

You could have him request a subject access report SAR via the veterans agency. That will supply a service leaver with a copy of their military service records. Everyone who has served is entitled to make the request. He is correct about having to hand his ID back, but no idea what the book is that he mentioned. Unless it is a record of his trade experience.

• This is what baffles me. He must have done some really extensive research on it all as he knew so much. When I asked him about his military ID it was because I was trying to catch him out on the lie that he'd served but he came back with that answer. Then when I caught him in another lie about it yesterday that's when it's played on my mind that I had to find out for definite and the only person I could trust wouldn't lie to me would be MIL. I translated the text on the front of the book and it even says 'armed services' so I've no idea how he's got it.

Is he called Patrick?

YES! Do this one. Brilliant.

MIL might have been in the dark, too. It was confirmed by her that he comes from a military family, NOT that HE was in the army! So quite possibly his father, g/father, brothers etc, but NOT him!
I expect she'll be very embarrassed as, no doubt, she will be proud of her husband - maybe her family, too - and everyone having served, possibly still serving!

@CinnamonSwirl82 Honestly - given that you are recovering from surgery, I would go to your Mum's right now before he comes home. You are extra vulnerable and from what you have said, you may not have enough time to get help if he turns violent when you call him out on his lies.

DID you ringfence your share of the house? It's perfectly possible to do so. I remarried when I was 40 and I already had a house with a mortgage - my DH was renting. So I own 2/3 of the house and DH owns a 1/3

@CinnamonSwirl82 you poor love, way too much to cope with on top of the surgery and the reasons for it.

I divorced a man who was equally good at lying, different lies but the consequence was the same, I could never, ever trust him again once I realised. I agree with PP's, no point in trying to talk to him about it, just get yourself well enough to get out of there, and then divorce his lying arse.

Oh and the house, 2 years is considered a short marriage so don't automatically assume it'll be treated as a marital asset, get yourself a good solicitor (I can recommend someone really good if that would be helpful) and let them help you sort this out.

In the meantime, many (careful) hugs, I know what it's like to discover this level of lying, it leaves a very empty hole where you thought your relationship was. Take very good care of yourself, and don't look back.

I would be looking up solicitors.

No

I've taken some steps to protect myself when he's home, like moving the ring doorbell to the living room and giving said friend access. I've given her a code word for if I need her to ring the police.
I’m sorry to be blunt but that doesn’t protect you. It doesn’t stop him attacking you, it just allows your friend to watch while he’s doing it, and by the time the police arrive it’s too late.
If you suspect he’ll be violent, the only way to protect yourself is to be away from him.

Sorry first time on this app 🙈

When did you have your surgery, you sound very vulnerable and really shouldn't be confronting him at this stage.

Having read your update and details of his violent nature I think you should leave before he comes back
Everything else can be dealt with out of the house
I really don't think it's worth the risk to confront him

And multiple military personnel who served with Harry have since come out and called him a liar - which proves my point nicely.

Why would anyone want to marry anyone who has said they’ve killed children?? 🤪

He didn't start with the graphic details when we first met. He just would say that he couldn't watch anything war related, understandably, but sometimes he'd get really upset, I'd comfort him, and eventually he would open up about things he did, things he saw, etc. After that point is when he'd openly talk about things to me and none of it seemed to have the same upsetting effect on him as what it did when he spoke about it before.

I've never known anyone to be in the military, or spoken to them about their experiences so I had no idea what to expect in terms of details that get shared or what a normal reaction to it all would be.

I trusted him on it as details didn't come until we'd well established our relationship which I'd assume would be normal. I'd be the same in sharing sensitive information about my life... only saved for the people I trust the most.

What a nasty unhelpful post. Shame you weren't too tired to post it @Imtootired

I suppose if they were trying to kill him, civilians or his colleagues then I could probably understand it...

Now knowing what I know is where it's fucked up because who fantasizes about killing children.

Having people ready to come help you won't help you if he attacks you before they can get there.

You need to ensure your safety. Whether that means leaving and having the conversation over the phone, or having a couple of people in the house with you when he comes home.

Here in the US it's a crime called 'Stolen Valor'. It's only illegal if you present yourself as a current service member or if you use stolen valor for some type of 'gain'. Simply lying about having been in the service (totally despicable) isn't illegal.

I'm sorry but I agree with @FictionalCharacter . Cameras, doorbells, even alarms aren't going to really protect you from being attacked unless you feel telling him would be a deterrent in itself. It may mean help comes sooner, but what might happen in the meantime?

If you truly believe he will become violent with you, perhaps it would be better to delay your actual revelation until you are recovered from surgery and/or can get the hell out of Dodge. That's not being 'cowardly' in any way. It's simply self preservation.

But what you CAN do right now is contact a solicitor. Perhaps they can do a telephone appointment if you're not able to get out. I get that it's the 'marital home' but only legal advice can tell you exactly what that means to you. Since there are no children to be housed (and I'm so sorry about what you're going through on that score) and if it's a short marriage, perhaps you can recoup your contribution or at least come out a little bit better than you think.

I understand you're furious. But think 'long term' rather than the immediate satisfaction of throwing his lies in his face. Of course, if you feel you are already in immediate danger from him in your day to day life, then you need to get out ASAP and confront him with the truth once you're out.

Jesus OP. This is awful!

Also a lot of military an ex military people have berated PH for saying that. They said it is absolutely not the done think to talk about “your number” in public.

I’m lost for words. I need to comment before I’ve finished reading to express my shock and then I’ll come back once I’ve read your updates if I find the words. What the fuck.

I just don't think I could hold out until I'm recovered from surgery. I've got another 2-3 weeks until I should be fully healed.

He's already repulsed me enough over the last week that I haven't wanted to so much as hug or kiss him, which usually when I'm unwell I'm the neediest, cuddliest person alive.

I feel sick and the thought of forcing myself to be nice to him and kiss him for a few more weeks... ew

I really don't think confronting a fantasist face to face alone is good idea. It only takes a second to attack someone, you need to be safe and the fact you are unsure already makes me think it's a immediate no.
Personally I would wait until I had a few people (his mum, maybe the male friend) before I did anything.
It's very obviously over so you need to start making plans. I think I'd be more concerned with that first rather than an immediate confrontation.
I'm so sorry OP, what an absolute shock.

Run away OP, seriously. Well, taxi away.