Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give birthday money to children who don't say thankyou

169 replies

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 10:17

I might BU with this as it says more about the parents, but...

When I was a child, I was taught to say thank you to everyone who gave me a gift or money for my birthday. This included picking up the phone and saying thanks to people who sent money in cards. I'm in my early 30s so this wasn't that long ago, really. When I was too young to do it off my own back, my parents helped and reminded me. Some of my relatives would, and did, stop sending money to children who never said thankyou. Maybe that's why I get annoyed if I don't get a simple thanks.

We've given birthday money to 4 children in the family in the last 2 months and haven't had a thank you from one. This is basic manners and it irritates me.
WIBU to not do it in the future? Money doesn't grow on trees and saying thank you isn't hard (even copying and pasting a generic text takes 1 minute). We are in a cost of living crisis and there's better things I could have done with the £80 total - not a lot to some but two tanks of fuel for me.
Happy to accept AIBU because parents should be raising children to say thank you ultimately.
I am possibly more annoyed by it because the parents themselves are very expectant and entitled when it comes to this sort of thing (people spending their money on them).

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/11/2023 10:21

Just stop it.

WiIIowT · 13/11/2023 10:23

Did the parents say thank you? Or no acknowledgement at all for the cards and money?

Original poster
Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 10:25

Did the parents say thank you? Or no acknowledgement at all for the cards and money?

Nothing from anyone, even the one I gave it to in person.

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 13/11/2023 10:27

Just send an empty card. What can they do threaten to mug you?

Sillysoppysentimental · 13/11/2023 10:28

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things.

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 13/11/2023 10:29

My son says thank you in person (though finds it difficult) but finds the idea of phoning someone excrutiating, same for initiating a message. He has social anxiety - he is grateful but finds it difficult to express it. I'd be very sad if people just decided he was rude.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 13/11/2023 10:29

Back in the day I got a pound and a box of Maltesers off my favourite Aunt.. She was a fab lady who wore a fur coat and pearls for every day! Her df had been a maker of the beautiful coats years before..
*obviously fur coats are best on it's original owner.... But as a dc she looked as glamourous as she was lovely. Can't imagine not phoning her and saying thanks!

SgtJuneAckland · 13/11/2023 10:30

A thank you really doesn't take much, we don't send notes but we always make sure to call with DS or for family abroad where time difference can be difficult we get him to record a video message saying thank you and if it's a toy etc showing him playing with it. I've been surprised that DS has been to a few birthday parties recently and only one of the mums messaged after to say thank you for the present. It's usually a leave the card and parent on a tame scenario they're not opened and thanks given at the time (which is fine ). Even a generic message to the class WhatsApp group saying thanks to everyone who came to William's party and for all of the lovely presents, he really appreciates it, would suffice.
I'm a bit older than you OP (not 40 yet!) and I think it's basic manners to say thank you

SgtJuneAckland · 13/11/2023 10:31

@Mongrelsrbeautiful could he not write a note or even a message/email?

Scalottia · 13/11/2023 10:32

Sillysoppysentimental · 13/11/2023 10:28

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things.

None of this is an excuse to not say a simple thank you.

YANBU OP. I wouldn't send money in the future.

Original poster
Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 10:32

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things

The only one of these that is a valid excuse is ASD/SEN, and even then, parents can say it on their behalf.

OP posts:
WiIIowT · 13/11/2023 10:34

The parents should be saying it at least. It's rude not to.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 13/11/2023 10:35

I think YABU. Presumably the children don't have their own phones or your contact details specifically and even if they did have both, most children would need prompting from mum/dad to do this. It sounds like your issue is with the parents not sharing your values. Most presents go into a black hole in life, and it seems like you can't handle that. But instead of talking to the adults (like an adult) your first thought is to punish the children. Seems quite shitty.

Performance gifting is pathetic though. IDK why people get so arsy about it, needing a thank-you for a gift from someone, unless they only gave to receive fawning and a feeling that someone is indebted to them. Not really a gifting mindset to my mind.

itsmyp4rty · 13/11/2023 10:35

I was brought up writing thank you notes and always got ds to - it was great to get him practicing writing and later typing.

The thing is we were brought up like that OP but not everyone is. I think it would be unfair to punish the kids because their parents are entitled and grabby and don't get them to phone/write thank yous.

Potofteaplease · 13/11/2023 10:35

I think that if a child thanks in person, a follow up note is not required. But if it’s in the post, then a text message is only polite and even shy children can do this.

CattingAbout · 13/11/2023 10:36

Sillysoppysentimental · 13/11/2023 10:28

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things.

I really don't think people should try and use ASD/SEN as an excuse in this case (and I say that as a parent of 2 x DC with SEN).

Parents should always be giving thanks on behalf of DC for money and gifts if they are unable to do it themselves. It also serves to model the social interaction for DC so they can see what an appropriate response looks like when they receive a gift.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 13/11/2023 10:37

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 13/11/2023 10:32

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things

The only one of these that is a valid excuse is ASD/SEN, and even then, parents can say it on their behalf.

Ohh it's an "AIBU" where you're so convinced YANBU that no one will be able to explain the other side because you flatly refuse to see it and dismiss all attempts.
Yeah I'm out. IDK why people bother posting when they just desperately crave validation, this is AIBU not "I know I'm right but I need lots of people to tell me anyway".

TheDisgustingBrothers · 13/11/2023 10:37

You gave it to one in person and they didn’t say thank you? Did they just take it off your hands in silence?

DustyLee123 · 13/11/2023 10:37

When I was late teens/early 20’s I remember my Nan telling me that she was stopping sending one of my cousins money as she never had a thank you. This cousin had moved away with her mum when her parents divorced, and they never saw each other.
She felt anxious and upset about doing it, yet the cousin never even sent her elderly Nan a Christmas or birthday card.

SandyWaves · 13/11/2023 10:37

It is rude not to thank a person for a gift. Older kids could send a message. Parents could encourage them to do this. At the very least, parents should thank the person for the gift. It annoys me when people say that people are busy/they can keep track of who gave what.

All that is needed is a thank you.

I take a mental note of who hasn't.

Potofteaplease · 13/11/2023 10:37

BiscuitsandPuffin · 13/11/2023 10:35

I think YABU. Presumably the children don't have their own phones or your contact details specifically and even if they did have both, most children would need prompting from mum/dad to do this. It sounds like your issue is with the parents not sharing your values. Most presents go into a black hole in life, and it seems like you can't handle that. But instead of talking to the adults (like an adult) your first thought is to punish the children. Seems quite shitty.

Performance gifting is pathetic though. IDK why people get so arsy about it, needing a thank-you for a gift from someone, unless they only gave to receive fawning and a feeling that someone is indebted to them. Not really a gifting mindset to my mind.

So if someone gave you a gift, you wouldn’t thank them???!!

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 13/11/2023 10:37

Sillysoppysentimental · 13/11/2023 10:28

Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things.

Well that's a load of shit excuses. It really doesn't take long to send a text or make a quick phone call. It's rude not to say thank you.

fedupandstuck · 13/11/2023 10:38

Gifts should be given without expectation imo. Either you want to give gifts to these children or you don't. If their lack of thanks means you don't want to give them presents anymore then don't. If you genuinely mean "there's better things I could have done with the £80 total" then use your money for those better things! Just send them a card, and a nominal gift if you would feel better about it. Don't give more money than you can really afford to.

If their parents are entitled, then it's not a surprise that the children have not been encouraged to respond to gifts, or for the parents not to respond on their behalf.

CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 10:40

@Sillysoppysentimental "Depends how old the children are.
If they are ASD/ SEN.
Family have other things on their mind.
Can't remember who gave what.
Too busy / forgotten.
Worried about other more important things."

The ASD/SEN is the only one of these that carries any weight. But even then, parents could do it. But I would cut some slack there. The others? Nope.

MrsMarzetti · 13/11/2023 10:42

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 13/11/2023 10:29

My son says thank you in person (though finds it difficult) but finds the idea of phoning someone excrutiating, same for initiating a message. He has social anxiety - he is grateful but finds it difficult to express it. I'd be very sad if people just decided he was rude.

Edited

Social anxiety may be the reason he finds saying thank you difficult but it is not an excuse. Your son will have to go into an adult world one that won't change for him. There is no reason why he can't write a thank you card. And yes people will think he is rude to take but make no attempt to thank. My Grandson has Autism, he is 5 but he is expected to have manners.