To not give birthday money to children who don't say thankyou

[Owlsoutsidethewindow]

I might BU with this as it says more about the parents, but...

When I was a child, I was taught to say thank you to everyone who gave me a gift or money for my birthday. This included picking up the phone and saying thanks to people who sent money in cards. I'm in my early 30s so this wasn't that long ago, really. When I was too young to do it off my own back, my parents helped and reminded me. Some of my relatives would, and did, stop sending money to children who never said thankyou. Maybe that's why I get annoyed if I don't get a simple thanks.

We've given birthday money to 4 children in the family in the last 2 months and haven't had a thank you from one. This is basic manners and it irritates me.
WIBU to not do it in the future? Money doesn't grow on trees and saying thank you isn't hard (even copying and pasting a generic text takes 1 minute). We are in a cost of living crisis and there's better things I could have done with the £80 total - not a lot to some but two tanks of fuel for me.
Happy to accept AIBU because parents should be raising children to say thank you ultimately.
I am possibly more annoyed by it because the parents themselves are very expectant and entitled when it comes to this sort of thing (people spending their money on them).

I have been sending my nephew £50 at Christmas and the same for his birthday for the last 6 years. On every single occasion I have had to contact my brother to ask whether it arrived becaise it has not once ever been acknowledged. He has just turned 16 in the summer - did it all again. I have decided that I am sending nothing more. I will wait and see whether anyone contacts me to say it is missing!

YANBU. My one biggest annoyance is people not saying please and thank you, me and DP have made a point of this to our DS4 and it's very rare he doesn't say please or thank you now. I have tween cousins and they do say thank you for presents but they don't say thank you if I take them out for the day (think zoo/attraction) they don't even say thank you when you make or buy them food, so I now won't offer to take them anywhere as I think at tween age they know to say thank you!!

I would absolutely stop giving money now if they can't say thank you, it's just down right rude.

Nonsense. None of the above precludes thanking.

Just stop, OP. No one is owed a gift.

We get DS to send thank you notes for Birthday & Christmas. He usually draws a picture, I photocopy it onto cards, and then he writes a quick message in them. If we don’t do that, I usually do a quick 15 sec video or similar to say thanks. I also always send thank yous to people / classmates who came to his birthday. And when we’ve stayed with relatives etc I always send a card or something after.

For me, it’s an acknowledgment of the time someone has set aside to attend a gathering or think of and buy a present or effort to host. I find non acknowledgment quite rude, but appreciate everyone is different.

You should communicate your grievance to the parents rather than take it out on the kids.

It’s not difficult to send a little thank you card though is it ? Just another excuse for bad manners.

I 100pc agree with OP, however, I think this behaviour of not acknowledging a gift is sadly a sign of our times.

Its not about the OP seeking validation or kudos or about how amazing she is.

It is basic good manners and goes a long way to help your children in life too, if they know how to show appreciation

I honestly cannot fathom why parents would not encourage their children to thank others who have gone out of their way to do something nice

I had the same issue in my family. I always gave gifts or money going into adulthood to my nieces and nephews and never got a word back.

So I stopped. And do you know what? I haven’t seen or heard a single thing from any of those kids ever since. Nice.

@fedupandstuck I agree gifts should be given without expectation, as in expecting a gift back (ie giving to receive). But surely it's not unreasonable to expect a basic thank you? It costs nothing and there are so many ways of doing it. Text, email, note, in person etc... doesn't have to be a long and OTT job either, literally 'thanks for my birthday money'. It shows appreciation and it also confirms they received it - I worry when I send cash on the post and don't hear anything that it got lost. It's just basic manners imo.

I don’t think anyone expects people to sit down and write thank you letters any more, but it takes a very short time to send a text or email.

If someone in a store passes you your parcel or whatever you’ve bought, you thank them, surely. It’s just part of the normal daily discourse.

I used to spend ages thinking about what I could send to a young nephew and niece. Packages were sent for ten years and were never acknowledged, so I quietly stopped. You can get thank you cards, so a child just has to sign their name or squiggle if they can’t write. I’m happy with a text, even happier with an email.

I really don’t understand ‘too busy, more important things etc’. It’s graceless and entitled.

This is a major bone of contention for me in DH's family - BIL and SIL (and kids) do not do the whole "thank you" for anything, which really does hurt and disappoint MIL in particular when it's obvious how much thought and care goes into choosing presents. It's basic manners.

As other PPs have said, it takes 5 seconds to send a message saying thank you - even my 3 year old knows how to do it (and loves making videos saying so, but that's by the by).

We've just been presented with Christmas lists for the niblings, top of the list from the 11 year old is "money". Absolutely not. We're considering sending a joint present, as it would be less painful for us.

Presumably there's no time to spend the birthday money if they are that busy. Surely it's quicker to send a text than choose and buy something with the money? That is a pathetic excuse.

If you're prioritising reading spam emails over a quick thank you text that's your decision

Manners cost nothing my 17 and 20 year old say thank you. When smaller wrote thank you cards. Now text or phone to hank you in person. How rude. I do every so often say when they ate going to someone's house, to remember their manners.

I’m of the generation where at children’s birthday parties, the birthday kid opened their presents in front of everyone. I agree with a PP that part of the pleasure of giving is to (hopefully) see the smiles of delight and thank yous. I’ve never heard of performative gifting….

Assuming no mitigating reasons why they can't then I agree there's no excuse for not saying thanks. Especially if they have a phone, it would take 20 seconds to message.

I bet they still expect it and would definitely notice if you stopped

It's rude not to say thank you. If my son receives a gift or money and we haven't seen them in person, we record a video of him saying thank you for X. It takes two minutes.

Nope, you're being taken for granted. If they can't thank you for money, they obviously have too much to appreciate it. Just send cards from now on.

My kids always say thank you. When they were younger it was thank you notes, now they are older it is mostly by text. I would never make them call, I used to have to do that and it was EXCRUCIATING.

It is basic manners to say thanks, I'm not so bothered about the method of delivery.

Interestingly I have never received a thank you card from an adult for a present so why should children (usually facilitated by the parent who also has 1000000 other tasks to do).

If you want thanks give it to them in person so the actual child can thank you, in person, without adding more chores to the parent’s (mother, it’s always the mother) life.

This

It really isn't difficult

Yanbu

My niece and nephew don't say thanks, so no more gifts!

All these people making daft excuses gor rude entitled people 🙄

What kind of people are you giving presents to? I have a drawer full of notes received over the years, and have sent countless.

Disappointing that there are 21% of posters who are are apologisers/excusers for the lack/absence of basic courtesy and good manners. Says a whole lot about today's society.

YANBU. Tell the parents why.