To not give birthday money to children who don't say thankyou

[Owlsoutsidethewindow]

I might BU with this as it says more about the parents, but...

When I was a child, I was taught to say thank you to everyone who gave me a gift or money for my birthday. This included picking up the phone and saying thanks to people who sent money in cards. I'm in my early 30s so this wasn't that long ago, really. When I was too young to do it off my own back, my parents helped and reminded me. Some of my relatives would, and did, stop sending money to children who never said thankyou. Maybe that's why I get annoyed if I don't get a simple thanks.

We've given birthday money to 4 children in the family in the last 2 months and haven't had a thank you from one. This is basic manners and it irritates me.
WIBU to not do it in the future? Money doesn't grow on trees and saying thank you isn't hard (even copying and pasting a generic text takes 1 minute). We are in a cost of living crisis and there's better things I could have done with the £80 total - not a lot to some but two tanks of fuel for me.
Happy to accept AIBU because parents should be raising children to say thank you ultimately.
I am possibly more annoyed by it because the parents themselves are very expectant and entitled when it comes to this sort of thing (people spending their money on them).

@WalkedInJustToWalkOut stop using SEN as an excuse for bad manners it's offensive! I have two DC with SEN ( ASD, ADHD among others) and they were still taught to say thank you for a gift!

stop using SEN as an excuse for bad manners it's offensive! I have two DC with SEN ( ASD, ADHD among others) and they were still taught to say thank you for a gift!

My child is polite. Face to face she can thank the person. It’s not possible over the phone or text. It’s a reason, not an excuse. Great that your children can. Mine child can’t. I’m sure there are many things she can do that your child can’t.

In this instance the parent should thank on the child's behalf

I'm with the pp that said to send an empty card. Genius. If they query it just calmly tell the truth

Thank you @WalkedInJustToWalkOut

Yes, our children sound very similar. Overthinking, yes! Mutism and the anxiety is dreadful.

Some people really don’t get it if their child doesn’t struggle in that way. A simple ‘two minutes’ can cause a week of anxiety, stress, not talking or eating. We manage it in the way that helps our child and we’re fortunate to be surrounded mostly by people that understand. And those that don’t, I don’t waste my time worrying about, as advised by professionals.

Those that say my child has SEN and can do it...that’s fabulous. I’m pleased. They obviously have different struggles and needs to my child. Seems fairly obvious but I guess it needs spelling out to some.

In this instance the parent should thank on the child's behalf

We do. The other poster also said she did. That wasn’t good enough for some people here.

@StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest Do we have the same child? 🤣

My post was in response to the poster before she shared other details about her child and how they would struggle. And it makes a lot of sense.

I would also add that as most older DC are glued to their devices 24/7, sending a brief text to acknowledge the gift takes 10 secs.

I've decided to cut right back this Xmas and CFs have been cut from my list!

This. my adult daughter had Asperger's and DGS's (both) are autistic. Older one severely. However, my daughter realised she liked the presents, i explained in a way she would understand, that people don't have to go out their way to buy so it's nice to say ty...and she did, its also enabling her to improve her social skills, with someone she knew. Older grandson, he only likes talking on phone with me, but, he has to text anyone he receives presents off just to text ty

Oh I don't know... I can't remember the last time I had a thank you note from any niece or nephew. And some are 30 years old! Yet whenever I see them they are polite and fun, and chat to me and tell me their news and ask for mine. So I forgive them. I now buy gifts for their children too, and never get a note. Altho we do have a family photostream so i can see the toys being played with.
What I'm saying is, I look at them in the round and see they are decent, hard working, polite, fun young people. And that's good enough for me

Get them a really boring cheap gift like some socks and underwear instead
if they are not grateful anyway then it makes no difference to you what you give them

they may then realise that not saying thankyou gets them nothing

and if the parents do say something then you are entitled to tell them your reasons

Very rude, I have two children and every birthday and Christmas I type a list on my phone as they open gifts so we know who gave which presents. As they are now 13 & 11 I then WhatsApp list to them so they can text/message etc a thank you. I then ask them to show me phone with messages so I know it is done. I wouldn’t expect anyone to gift anything to my children if they can’t say thank you. Manners cost nothing.

Nope. I do the same. If they can't be bothered to send as much as a text,mthen I can't be bothered to send anything. Good manners cost nothing.🙂

They're polite and decent, but can't even send a thank you text?

@BluebellsForest yes. Why do you think that isn't possible? I try to look at the whole picture. When I see them we all get along beautifully and naturally. And some are old enough to send us gifts now. And come to think of it I'm not sure I thank them by text or letter.I do not give gifts in expectation of anything on return.

When we see each other we ask about each other's lives and exchange news. And might remember to say 'hey thanks for that wine - it was lovely!' But honestly it's no big deal if that doesn't happen

By way of contrast when young I was made to write laborious thank you letters to relatives I never saw and didn't share proper relationships. They were distant grown ups for whom formalness was everything

I didn't suggest that it isn't possible, @faffadoodledo. It just seems a bit dissonant. Polite, decent people usually say thank you readily, by whatever method.

I get upset too by having gifts unacknowledged but I'm not sure what to do about it. If kids don't say thank you it may be because they haven't been taught by their parents that it is important. Being kids, they may be delighted at the time then think nothing of it. Stopping giving them gifts doesn't seem like a great way of dealing iwth it but I don't know what is.

I’m happy with any kind of thank you - even a text
If I don’t get one I will give them another chance on next occasion - if no thank you then I stop bothering