Page 6 | To not give birthday money to children who don't say thankyou

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 2023-11-13T10:17:53+00:00

I might BU with this as it says more about the parents, but... When I was a child, I was taught to say thank you to everyone who gave me a gift or money for my birthday. This included picking up the phone and saying thanks to people who sent money in cards. I'm in my early 30s so this wasn't that long ago, really. When I was too young to do it off my own back, my parents helped and reminded me. Some of my relatives would, and did, stop sending money to children who never said thankyou. Maybe that's why I get annoyed if I don't get a simple thanks. We've given birthday money to 4 children in the family in the last 2 months and haven't had a thank you from one. This is basic manners and it irritates me. WIBU to not do it in the future? Money doesn't grow on trees and saying thank you isn't hard (even copying and pasting a generic text takes 1 minute). We are in a cost of living crisis and there's better things I could have done with the £80 total - not a lot to some but two tanks of fuel for me. Happy to accept AIBU because parents should be raising children to say thank you ultimately. I am possibly more annoyed by it because the parents themselves are very expectant and entitled when it comes to this sort of thing (people spending their money on them).

BluebellsForest · 13/11/2023 22:57

April489 · 13/11/2023 21:52

Is it just me who finds these 'thank yous' can come across as insincere? I'm not at all fond of receiving them if they are not part of a wider and more heartfelt communication.

Where someone gives a thank you in return for every gift, regardless of the level of thought that had gone into it or how appreciated it truly is, the words are empty and feel, to me, like rote obligation instead of a genuine emotion/gratitude. Personally I'd far rather assume that my gift was appreciated than have a 'because I'm supposed to' message simply saying Dear April, Thank you for my XXX, from Niece/Nephew/Relation/Friend. Also, it makes the spontaneous expressions of thanks far more special.

I do my best to pass on my appreciation but if someone is going to get upset if I didn't then I'd rather not receive a gift than have the stress about whether I'm slighting someone or whether I managed to convey the expected level of thanks in the right manner by the right time...

Lastly, the mental load is real and the last thing I want to do is add to someone elses simply to feel that I have been adequately (yet superficially?!) thanked for something I have chosen to do.

A basic thank you is just good manners. No more complex than that.

iamwhatiam23 · 13/11/2023 23:12

Not teaching children to say thank you for a gift is unbelievably rude! My dc were all taught to thank someone for a gift be it by letter, text, phone call or in person! If someone has taken the time to give you a gift or money then how hard is it to thank them? As for those using SEN as an excuse Thats just bollocks imo! My dc have SEN and i still expect them to thank someone who buys them a gift, please don't use it as an excuse for piss poor parenting!

maximist · 13/11/2023 23:30

It was my niece's 12th birthday last week. I sent a card, transferred money to my brother for him to put in her spending money account, sent a WhatsApp message and tried to FaceTime her and WhatsApp video call her. I got absolutely no response. Sadly it's par for the course, but I'm seriously thinking of just sending a card next year. She's always glued to her devices, so could easily have sent a quick one line message.

Angelsrose · 14/11/2023 00:28

@Owlsoutsidethewindow I'm totally with you on this. As soon as I could write my own thank-you notes I was on it! I think expressing thanks is so vital in life. It irritated me so much to not get a thanks for a gift I sent to one of my friend's kid's birthday that I didn't send one for the 2nd child's birthday. Even as an adult I wouldn't dream of not sending profuse thanks for a gift. It's basic decency which is definitely lacking these days.

Original poster

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 14/11/2023 07:13

*Do you have kids? It always amazes me how people feel entitled to single or childfree women's money.

Do these people send you gifts on your birthday?*

Yes I have children. This is part of the reason I'd rather not give to people who can't be bothered to say thanks tbh, I'd rather spend the money on my own.

I don't receive gifts on my birthday (which I'm OK with) from anyone except DH and DM. My birthday is rarely acknowledged by the wider family which annoys me more.

OP posts:

Doingmybest12 · 14/11/2023 08:05

We did our best to thank people and encouraged my children to do this. But I always feel if people are so wound up about this being part of the transaction just don't bother giving. Give because you wish to and it makes you happy.

MrsMarzetti · 14/11/2023 08:40

NooNakedJacuzziness · 13/11/2023 12:46

Expecting a thank you is abusive - I've heard it all now

Abusive 😂Now i really have heard it all.

Thosepurpleberries · 14/11/2023 08:45

I find it rude and ungrateful. I've had a major fall out with DSis over it. I did find out eventually that she had been pocketing it herself when they were small at least but no excuses for when they were older. She even told me exactly what I had to buy for their 21st birthdays and I still didn't get a thanks. No more! I'm done.

CoffeeCantata · 14/11/2023 08:50

On a general point...

I think people need to see the difference between presents for birthdays and presents for Christmas. In our family and friendship group, we either only give presents to children at Christmas, or presents for adults are very 'token' and inexpensive. You have to buy for so many people at Christmas that really, unless they're your own children, presents need to be modest. You can spoil other people's kids on their birthdays when you only have to buy for them.

I get really anxious on MN on behalf of people who seem to bankrupt themselves buying ungrateful relatives expensive presents that they've grabbily requested. I don't think it's appropriate to 'request' a specific present unless it's from your very, very close family.

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 14/11/2023 09:04

If money was given to my children in person, they would obviously say thank you themselves at the time. If it was put in a card that they opened without the person there, they would either say thanks next time they saw them or more often I’d say thank you for them over the phone or text.

I wouldn’t make my kids phone the person to say thank you as it seems a bit forced. Most family/friends wouldn’t expect that and would think it was a bit formal. One family member used to call and ask for the kids to speak on the phone, one I my kids really hated it so we’d say they weren’t around.

LaurieStrode · 14/11/2023 09:10

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 14/11/2023 09:04

If money was given to my children in person, they would obviously say thank you themselves at the time. If it was put in a card that they opened without the person there, they would either say thanks next time they saw them or more often I’d say thank you for them over the phone or text.

I wouldn’t make my kids phone the person to say thank you as it seems a bit forced. Most family/friends wouldn’t expect that and would think it was a bit formal. One family member used to call and ask for the kids to speak on the phone, one I my kids really hated it so we’d say they weren’t around.

Formal to say "Hello, Auntie, how are you? Thanks very much for the birthday gift! I hope to use it for a new football."

Really ???

That's just bizarre to me. If a child is old enough for spending money, they are old enough to muster some social grace, show an interest in someone besides themselves, and manage a three-minute phone call.

Or maybe don't accept the gifts, if interacting with the giver is such a burden.

Original poster

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 14/11/2023 09:11

Give because you wish to and it makes you happy.

I think the thing is, I don't want to give to these children anyway. They've always been a bit uninterested, when they were younger their parents found EVERY opportunity to have additional events for them go receive more gifts (4x baby showers, 2x christenings, 2x naming ceremonies, plus birthdays), they never said thank you and always expected up market designer gifts. I got one child something one year and didn't receive a word in response to the gift from the parent that opened it with him, because it only cost £20. Instead they boasted to me that their friend had got them a Ralph Lauren top and some other name brand footwear. 3 years later, the child was still playing with what I got them that day, which I'd still not receive any gratitude for. The Ralph Lauren top had been long forgotten. By everyone but me, who still resents them for it.
But I have continued to buy for the children despite the fact they now have their parents attitude towards gifts, they've never been taught to be grateful. I'm getting sick of it though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 14/11/2023 09:14

I get really anxious on MN on behalf of people who seem to bankrupt themselves buying ungrateful relatives expensive presents that they've grabbily requested. I don't think it's appropriate to 'request' a specific present unless it's from your very, very close family.
Thanks

MIL gave us a Christmas list once. Similarly to what my 5 year old gives her now. I just stared in confusion. I buy for MIL (token gifts because there are so many children, it is expensive, and I don't really believe I need to be given a Christmas list for a 69 year old adult) and always try to get her something small she would like as a token...but a list 😂 I refuse to do it. Like you, I'm not putting myself in debt over Christmas gifts for family.

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iamwhatiam23 · 14/11/2023 09:15

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 14/11/2023 09:04

If money was given to my children in person, they would obviously say thank you themselves at the time. If it was put in a card that they opened without the person there, they would either say thanks next time they saw them or more often I’d say thank you for them over the phone or text.

I wouldn’t make my kids phone the person to say thank you as it seems a bit forced. Most family/friends wouldn’t expect that and would think it was a bit formal. One family member used to call and ask for the kids to speak on the phone, one I my kids really hated it so we’d say they weren’t around.

Imo this is bad parenting! Why wouldn't you expect them to personally thank someone who has taken the time to give them a gift?

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 14/11/2023 09:25

Imo this is bad parenting! Why wouldn't you expect them to personally thank someone who has taken the time to give them a gift?

Did you even read my post? 🙄

My children thank people in person where possible. If they’re not seeing the person for ages, I would do it on their behalf and my friends and family are all happy with that.

There was one person that tried to get one of my children on the phone on the phone, knowing they found it hard and I put a stop to it. But yeah, terrible parenting. 🤡

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 14/11/2023 09:31

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 14/11/2023 09:04

If money was given to my children in person, they would obviously say thank you themselves at the time. If it was put in a card that they opened without the person there, they would either say thanks next time they saw them or more often I’d say thank you for them over the phone or text.

I wouldn’t make my kids phone the person to say thank you as it seems a bit forced. Most family/friends wouldn’t expect that and would think it was a bit formal. One family member used to call and ask for the kids to speak on the phone, one I my kids really hated it so we’d say they weren’t around.

Ahhh that's a bit miserable. I always had to do this with my Nan when I was little and in fairness it was 2 minutes of my day three times a year (birthday, Christmas and Easter).

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 14/11/2023 09:32

To clarify I was responding to the relative calling to speak to recipient

Cosyblankets · 14/11/2023 09:41

When i was a kid my aunties used to give me vouchers for birthdays and Christmas. My mum would take me shopping and then I'd ring them up and thank them for what I'd bought with the vouchers. I used to love going shopping with my vouchers and i was excited to tell them what I'd bought.

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 14/11/2023 10:03

Ahhh that's a bit miserable. I always had to do this with my Nan when I was little and in fairness it was 2 minutes of my day three times a year (birthday, Christmas and Easter).

Not miserable at all. This was when my daughter was between 4 and 9. Then she was diagnosed with autism at 13 so I’m thankful I took note of how uncomfortable she looked and what she said to me. We didn’t put my son on the phone as the person would have asked where his sister was. Thanks for the judgment though. Think before you type and judge maybe. 🤡

cheezncrackers · 14/11/2023 10:07

I have this issue in my family too OP. DC of sibling one (three of them - all secondary age now), never say thank you. DC of sibling two always do and a nice, handwritten note too. I'm not fussy - I'm fine with a phone call, an email, even a text - just something to say thank you! It's just basic good manners.

iamwhatiam23 · 14/11/2023 10:50

@StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest I would still expect the child to call, email or text to say thank you if not able to do it in person! They may not enjoy speaking on the phone but it's something they will be required to do throughout life so what are you teaching them by telling them they don't have to do it?

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 14/11/2023 11:02

would still expect the child to call, email or text to say thank you if not able to do it in person! They may not enjoy speaking on the phone but it's something they will be required to do throughout life so what are you teaching them by telling them they don't have to do it?

I’m teaching her that her feelings are valid. And unfortunately, there will be things she won’t manage in life due to autism.

My daughter won’t ‘have’ to do anything if she simply can’t manage it. It’s not a case of ‘not enjoying it’. The level of anxiety is disabling, often resulting in mutism and other physical symptoms.

Now please leave me the fuck alone with your disgusting ableist attitude.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 14/11/2023 11:07

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 14/11/2023 10:03

Ahhh that's a bit miserable. I always had to do this with my Nan when I was little and in fairness it was 2 minutes of my day three times a year (birthday, Christmas and Easter).

Not miserable at all. This was when my daughter was between 4 and 9. Then she was diagnosed with autism at 13 so I’m thankful I took note of how uncomfortable she looked and what she said to me. We didn’t put my son on the phone as the person would have asked where his sister was. Thanks for the judgment though. Think before you type and judge maybe. 🤡

I wasn't judging just commenting it's a bit sad as it's only a few minutes of their time.

WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 14/11/2023 11:14

@StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest Well said. 👏 👏 👏

My autistic daughter sounds similar. “Can’t she just....” or “It’s Only 2 minutes”. Bollocks.

Do you not think kids like ours wish they could and that they feel shit that so called normal and easy things for others are so fucking hard for them. My daughter can’t text easily as the overthinking is too much and she also suffers with mutism. It is horrendous for her.

For anyone saying they ‘have to’, you seriously needs to fuck off with the ableist bollocks.

WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 14/11/2023 11:14

I wasn't judging just commenting it's a bit sad as it's only a few minutes of their time.

Ffs. 😡