To not give birthday money to children who don't say thankyou

[Owlsoutsidethewindow]

I might BU with this as it says more about the parents, but...

When I was a child, I was taught to say thank you to everyone who gave me a gift or money for my birthday. This included picking up the phone and saying thanks to people who sent money in cards. I'm in my early 30s so this wasn't that long ago, really. When I was too young to do it off my own back, my parents helped and reminded me. Some of my relatives would, and did, stop sending money to children who never said thankyou. Maybe that's why I get annoyed if I don't get a simple thanks.

We've given birthday money to 4 children in the family in the last 2 months and haven't had a thank you from one. This is basic manners and it irritates me.
WIBU to not do it in the future? Money doesn't grow on trees and saying thank you isn't hard (even copying and pasting a generic text takes 1 minute). We are in a cost of living crisis and there's better things I could have done with the £80 total - not a lot to some but two tanks of fuel for me.
Happy to accept AIBU because parents should be raising children to say thank you ultimately.
I am possibly more annoyed by it because the parents themselves are very expectant and entitled when it comes to this sort of thing (people spending their money on them).

Just don't bother any more.
Either your gifts mean nothing and won't be missed or they don't give a toss about acknowledging the person who gave them. (A text from either child or parent takes literally 10 seconds, it's hardly a lot to expect).

I've made these decisions over the years. It's funny how people who found it too much hassle to send a quick thank you text suddenly find the time to send a longer message asking why they didn't get anything this year.

My kids are reminded to say thank you. I don't care if they do it in person, text, email, call, write a note or draw a picture (they are very different ages!) But "thank you for the present/ money" is in order.

Mine has asd(pda) and severe adhd- keeping still to write thank you cards would be a nightmare… so I video him saying thank you for the X Aunty/uncle Y and send them the video. He hates doing it so sometimes it might take a week to get them all done but it’s one of the few things I insist on.

Can he not write a card? That's what ours still do now - aged 12 and 14. We have done it since they were babies. If he cannot write - you write it for him and he does a hand print or a picture or something.

@Owlsoutsidethewindow- thanks for the thread, it reminded me to thank my Aunty for the card she sent me today. She still sends me £10 in a card even though I’m nearly 40 ❤️.

Too socially anxious to send a note / text / email saying "thank you" ?

Hhhm, I'm not convinced. I don't think you're doing your son any favours by just accepting this, OP. It does just seem rude.

Do you have kids? It always amazes me how people feel entitled to single or childfree women's money.

Do these people send you gifts on your birthday?

Stop sending them money and Christmas and birthday gifts.

Gifts are not a human right from aunts to niblings, no matter how much mummy and daddy may try to convince you.

What you're really saying is: 'I'd be very sad if people stopped sending him free gifts despite our lack of effort and reciprocity'.

Exactly. It's OK for others to expend mental effort, time, energy and money on one's behalf, but the recipient can't muster a thanks. No.

Funny how they always manage to find the strength to spend the gift monies or use the merchandise.

Yes, this. If a direct phone call is too much, surely asynchronous communication like a note, letter, text, e-mail can't be so anxiety-inducing that it's impossible? I mean, does it induce anxiety to RECEIVE, or just to give back something to the relationship?

You are not being unreasonable. Basic manners.

Expecting basic courtesy being described as abusive is absolutely peak modern toss. Learning reciprocity is a hugely important part of life. Well it is for most. Presumably the children of some of these posters are just standing around snatching presents from each other and bellowing for more.

None of these are good reasons for lacking basic manners. It takes seconds to say 'thank you' or send a text.

We've got all this endless apps and lines of communication. I've also decided that ungrateful people won't be getting favors and gifts its insulting

No it doesn't depend on any of that.
The parents can teach the children to say thank you and if for whatever reason it's too much for the children then the parents can still model good behaviour.
Not saying thank you is just rude

Incredibly rude not to say thank you- doesn’t have to be a written note, face to face, text, phone call or email are all fine. Obv small children need help, school age can write/type/say their own. Any parents who don’t do this (or adults who don’t!) don’t deserve the gifts.

I'm absolutely insistent on thank yous, but I think this is harsh on an eight-year-old. Presumably his parents haven't taught him to say thank you. You'd be doing him a massive good deed if you explained that he must say thank you somehow, and then you will start presents again. Although not sure how an eight year old can, if parents are useless?

My grandson is autistic and even he can muster a ty via text.
I stopped giving money and gifts to older children who didn't say ty. It was expected and i didnt like it. I raised my daughter with manners so she always said ty.
People these days seem to feel they : deserve what you give them ...it is entitlement. I just started sending a card with no money. My sister rung and said oh i think you forgot to put money in card for DD..i said no i didn't, because last few years i hadn't had a ty and that i thought therefore the money wasnt needed.

YANBU. We stopped sending to nieces/nephews because they didn't send a note/text acknowledging let alone thanking us. Even if they don't say thank you their parents could. If they can't be bothered to instil good manners in their kids then I can't be bothered sending them money. As you say you have other things to do with that money. I would still send a card or happy birthday message though.

Do people genuinely have the audacity to bring up not getting a gift?

No, this is just crap.

If the kids are too young or have additional needs that mean they can't do it themselves, the parents need to step up and do it for them.

OP didn't have other things on her mind, or was too busy/ forgetful when she remembered the child's birthday.

If a simple thank you isn't deemed important when someone's given you cash, especially in person, I wouldn't deem it important to give that person a gift again 🤷🏻‍♀️

No excuse in my view. You write thank you letters/send a text on behalf of your children until a certain age and then they do it themselves from a list YOU write as they open presents.

That's so sad. I'm sorry you went through that

When I was younger I spent a fortune on my siblings and their kids because I was well,off, in a good job, and they weren't.

The Christmas I was going through cancer I forgot to buy presents and send cards. Even my then husband got an IOU. I got lots of messages wanting to know where the presents were and " helpful" suggestions about how I can give money instead. None of them, other than my sister, asked how I was.

Never bothered buying for the fuckers again.
Don't have a relationship with any niece and nephew as they are too like their parents.

Is it just me who finds these 'thank yous' can come across as insincere? I'm not at all fond of receiving them if they are not part of a wider and more heartfelt communication.

Where someone gives a thank you in return for every gift, regardless of the level of thought that had gone into it or how appreciated it truly is, the words are empty and feel, to me, like rote obligation instead of a genuine emotion/gratitude. Personally I'd far rather assume that my gift was appreciated than have a 'because I'm supposed to' message simply saying Dear April, Thank you for my XXX, from Niece/Nephew/Relation/Friend. Also, it makes the spontaneous expressions of thanks far more special.

I do my best to pass on my appreciation but if someone is going to get upset if I didn't then I'd rather not receive a gift than have the stress about whether I'm slighting someone or whether I managed to convey the expected level of thanks in the right manner by the right time...

Lastly, the mental load is real and the last thing I want to do is add to someone elses simply to feel that I have been adequately (yet superficially?!) thanked for something I have chosen to do.

We had an agreement in our family to just buy for the kids at Christmas. As those kids (nephews and nieces) got older i started buying for their kids instead. I rarely see them or hear from them but now that I've started do i just stop? I don't spend a fortune and i can afford it but it feels a bit pointless when i don't really see them
No big fallout or anything just a case of we've all got our own lives

I would just stop. Make this year the start of freedom .