To not give birthday money to children who don't say thankyou

[Owlsoutsidethewindow]

I might BU with this as it says more about the parents, but...

When I was a child, I was taught to say thank you to everyone who gave me a gift or money for my birthday. This included picking up the phone and saying thanks to people who sent money in cards. I'm in my early 30s so this wasn't that long ago, really. When I was too young to do it off my own back, my parents helped and reminded me. Some of my relatives would, and did, stop sending money to children who never said thankyou. Maybe that's why I get annoyed if I don't get a simple thanks.

We've given birthday money to 4 children in the family in the last 2 months and haven't had a thank you from one. This is basic manners and it irritates me.
WIBU to not do it in the future? Money doesn't grow on trees and saying thank you isn't hard (even copying and pasting a generic text takes 1 minute). We are in a cost of living crisis and there's better things I could have done with the £80 total - not a lot to some but two tanks of fuel for me.
Happy to accept AIBU because parents should be raising children to say thank you ultimately.
I am possibly more annoyed by it because the parents themselves are very expectant and entitled when it comes to this sort of thing (people spending their money on them).

Life is so miserably and horribly busy these days. Non stop demands of all things from all places. I have more than 9000 unread emails, despite unsubscribing as much as I can. You probably should just not take the lack of thanks personally. Life is exhausting with a busy family. If you held me to high/good standards and judged (I do have a kid with ASD), I would probably just cut you off to save myself any further bother.

I had this with one of my nieces/nephews.
Never bothered to say thank you, my sibling didn’t either. Really annoyed me as I was on a really low income, but always made sure they had Christmas/birthday presents or cash.

I stopped buying that nibling anything after their 18th as they also pratted about with constantly changing college courses and never worked - not even a paper round. It grated on me to fund their lifestyle, treat them to meals out etc, when I was having to work crazy hours to cover my outgoings plus their gifts/treats.

All other nieces and nephews got gifts until they finished education, they all worked hard, got part time jobs etc and were always thankful for gifts/cash, but had they not bothered to say thank you, they would’ve been cut off.

Giving a gift and not receiving thanks and the gifter feeling a way is "performance gifting"?
The everyday mores and ways of the First World Anglo West get coarser and coarser as the days go by........
So many have nothing about them and are so loud with it, too.
Then complain when they meet the "right" one who reminds them that they are but an atom in this world.....unambiguously.

I agree totally - am sorry not matter how busy you are you can send a quick text. I get ya OP. All ready have this with my brother, baby only 6 months old, christening recently no thank you from either parent for gift ( and it was a quite generous one ) Where my sis sends a little whats app video of her kids saying thank you. Even my husbands grumpy teenager nieces and nephews still say thank you

Manners cost nothing and we live in world with many forms of communications there is no excuse

If he is non-verbal or genuinely cannot write, then you would be writing thank you on his behalf, no?

My child has autism and global learning delays but still says thank you and writes thank you cards (though she needs to be prompted and helped set everything up), btw. If she couldn't write, I'd do it for her and get her to write her name if she could at the end.

I have two cousins, who each have a daughter.
Every Christmas and birthday both girls got cards and gifts.
Last time I posted a gift, the postage cost was dreadful. Decided after that I would send card + money enclosed.
Met one of the cousins at a family funeral. Informed me that his daughter liked a gift to open. Didn't even bother to say "Thankyou" for the card and money.
Nothing sent since
Such lack of basic courtesy and good manners.

I don't know, I buy pressies for the Little people in the family because I want too. There is no expectation on me to do so, and no expectation on them (or their parents) to say thanks. Life is busy. I get that.

I find birthday and Christmas money pretty thoughtless unless specifically asked for. If specifically asked for, a thank you should be given but it honestly wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t.

You gave it to one in person and they didn’t say thank you? Did they just take it off your hands in silence?

Yes actually. He wanted to get to the toys he had been given so took it and went over to them. Then he asked "is that it" (I only gave him money and no present to open as I was told he was saving up for something)

I find birthday and Christmas money pretty thoughtless unless specifically asked for. If specifically asked for, a thank you should be given but it honestly wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t.

It was asked for on each of these occasions. I always ask ahead of time what they'd like for their birthday so I get them something they will enjoy. On each of the occasions I was told they were saving up to buy something expensive (ps5 games I think) so they wanted money.

Oh the cheeky little shite - was the parents there? i am sorry if that was me i wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue

No excuse for not saying thank you. So easy to do these days by text. I had to make phone calls which I hated but still did it. It's so rude and really winds me up as well OP. Stop doing it.

I understand the anxiety but there are ways around it.

our dc send letters. They’re done on the computer so are quick to tweak and personalise. Pretty much the same template every year, a couple of photos and a thank you for whatever they were given and a sentence or two about what they did on / for their birthday. Signed by hand.

we helped them when they were younger but now they’re older they do them themselves - I provide the stamps and envelopes! I imagine once they’re over 18 it might go to a quick text instead!

O the cheeky little shite - was the parents there? i am sorry if that was me i wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue

Stood in the next room, but it's open plan, so they heard him. I was in the room with them when I replied to him that yes, that was it, and he should put it somewhere safe rather than leaving it on the floor like he had.

I have more than 9000 unread emails, despite unsubscribing as much as I can.

@jlpth I will sort this out for free for you just to relieve my own anxiety about what I have just read and so I can sleep tonight! 😫😂

Hope they were cringing - defo take a step back with them and i would be making digs and smart comments a them.

Your last post says it all. Ridiculously rude parents have bred ignorant entitled children.
Hold back on the presents, and possibly the contact you have with their people.
You have been very thoughtful and to have it ignored is really rude.

I stopped giving to my nephew (8) because of this.
The CF had the gall to ask me why I hadn't given him a Xmas prezzie when I next saw him. I told him. DB & CF just stared at me, SIL changed the subject & it's never been mentioned since.

I'm forever baffled by the thought process of people who do acts of love only for praise.

If you are giving a gift for acknowledgement you are doing it entirely for the wrong and selfish reasons.

Its especially weird to withdraw that love from a CHILD for not following your adult code of etiquette and self imposed societal/cultural rules you deem correct.

I stopped sending birthday and Xmas money to neices and nephews for just this reason. I did check with their mum the first few times to make sure that the card and money had arrived. I decided to spend the money on my own children, who were appreciative!

All of those are, ultimately, excuses outside of an extraordinary situation or emergency.

It doesn’t take that long to do and can be spread out over days.

Mine were asked to do 2/3 thankyous a day. Less if we were busy, more if we weren’t or just that.

I have over 95,000 unread emails but can still drop a text to say thank you. If you don't have 5 seconds to say thank you how do you possibly have way more than 5 seconds to open the card and spend the money? Manners cost nothing.

YANBU. Don’t do it anymore. They will soon realise.

I had (note the past tense as we have now cut her off after a string of bad behavior) a cousin living in America. My dear old gran used to go down into town a month before her birthday and take turns with her neighbor (neither could stand for that long) to stand in the 45 minute + queue in the post office to change money into dollars and send it to her. Nit a single thank you ever, not even a Facebook messenger thank you. She never complained but she was sad. We encouraged her to stop in the end as it was upsetting her more than bringing joy.

Does all of this mean you’d also be too busy / distracted / preoccupied to notice that there was no birthday present?