AIBU to want to keep this baby?

[pregnantandlost]

Namechanged.

I am still not sure how this even happened. I am nearly 40, a single divorced mother of two (older primary age), their dad is not really involved. Have my own house, not a bad career (yes, with MN stereotypical six-digit salary). I found out over the weekend that I am pregnant (after my period was late and I felt quite unwell). Used pretty much every test on the market, with 100% clear positive results. I must be now around 6 weeks.

The father is not someone whom I know very well. He is an ex-work colleague, and we have had a few hook ups. He is engaged and in a relationship of 5+ years (disclosed to me only after we had sex), but claims to be now completely infatuated with me. I am much less enthusiastic about him and don't really want any sort of "real" relationship with him. He's also almost a decade younger than me, and thankfully lives several hours away. I did not tell him.

I was on a hormonal birth control (I take it for skin issues, although technically I should have stopped at my age), and we used condoms every time, with no failure. I honestly cannot understand how this even could have physically happened (I know everyone says that, but it is true in this case). I did not have sex with anyone else for a loooong time, so it is definitely his.

I need some rationality from the hive mind, please. A part of me understands that it is my last chance to have another baby, and just does not want to let it go. Another part screams at me that I will just ruin several lives if I keep this baby, and it WILL become known, one way or another. I booked an appoitment to terminate for Saturday, but my emotions are all over the place, and I really, really don't want to do this.

If I could have this baby and never tell him, I would, but this is completely not fair either for the child or for him, and not my decision to make, is it?

Please kick some sense back into me. I am normally a very rational and sensible person, I am actually paid for logical thinking as my job, so I cannot understand why I suddenly have such a lapse of reason and brain fog over this.

Hi OP. I think if you strongly want to keep the baby then you should. I think you would need to tell the dad but also you don't need to start a relationship with him either. If you're financially secure and can provide a loving home there's no reason to not have the baby if that's what you want to do. Not saying it will be easy but you've had children so I'm sure you know what's involved. Equally it is your choice to terminate but it doesn't sound like you really want to do this?

You should never terminate a baby unless you absolutely want to. You will have to face the realities of life though and make a real plan.

I wouldn't.

Keep the baby, up to you if you tell dad or not.

I think you’ll be fine personally, best of luck with everything x

I would consider the impact on your existing children first and foremost when making a decision if I were in your shoes. That has to be the most important thing here.

Absolutely this.

Will you see the father again? Do you have to tell him? Sounds like you could support yourself on your salary. If you really want to keep the baby, I would do it and just not tell him.

If you are already a single parent then you know the realities of the situation. If you want to keep it then of course you can but you would have to tell him. It sounds like you know that is a bad idea, but are surprised by your emotional response. Maybe you just need a bit longer to process.

If it was me, I wouldn't keep the baby. It is going to be hard work starting again on your own with two older kid. I also wouldn't know where to start with explaining to them who the father was. And what if he actually wants it and wants to be involved?! It doesn't sound like you are interested in that at all!

You would be walking into a complete nightmare, and yes, you would be wrecking a number of lives, including your own I think. I really wouldn't go through with that now.

There are several aspects, and from all of them it is a very bad decision.

My children, to whom I am pretty much the only parent, and have been pretty much since birth / toddler age. Is it really fair to dilute my attention, when I am already working dawn to dusk and they don't have a lot of me.

My parents, who live with me and 100% depend on me financially at the moment. It is unlikely to improve.

The prospective father, who I am pretty sure did not expect or plan this outcome (as I said, we were very diligent on contraception).

His fiancee, who is a completely innocent party in all this, and her world will be completely destroyed by my unilateral decision (I already feel terrible for being an accessory to an affair, even though I did not know).

Then there's also me - I have savings, yes, but no maternity leave from work or anything like that. Not sure how easy the pregnancy will be at 40 either.

I cannot understand why I can't make the decision.

Honestly I think in your situation I would go for a termination.

I know its not nice, and you think about the 'what if's' but I you just seem to have a lot going on anyway and this would just add something else to the mix.

I know its not an easy choice but I think in this situation its the right one.

Good Luck OP

Absolutely do not terminate if you think you want to keep baby.

You won't ruin lives. He should not have had sex with you if he was in a relationship. You weren't to know. That's his responsibility not yours. Sounds like his fiancée might be better off without him too, to be fair. Don't terminate just because it might upset him.

You'll do great. You've got more in place and more going for you than me... and we're doing ok.

Oh I absolutely know it is a bad idea. I am surprised by the strength of my visceral reaction.

This. I don't agree it's always about what you want. Think of the child who will have no say about their life. Uninvolved father, different father to their siblings, mother who is carrying the entire financial burden for so many people, child who might have SN and then what? Sounds like you are settled somewhat with a good career, own home, stable life so why turn that upside down??

I think you need to separate the issues out logically.

1/ Do you want the baby (irrespective of who the father is and how they were conceived)? Sounds like that’s a Yes

2/ Can you provide financially and emotionally for another child? Sounds like that’s a Yes

3/ What will be the impact on your existing DC? Can you navigate that with them?

4/ How will you co-parent with the father (if they wish to be involved)? You don’t need to be involved with them in a relationship but they do need to know.

Unless you think the father is in any way a disaster (abusive, drug issues, criminal etc) then I don’t think not wanting a tie with them
is a big enough reason to terminate if the other factors are a Yes. Your relationship with them can be managed, although might be difficult.

What I would say @pregnantandlost as someone who had their DD at 41, I would go ahead but not tell the father until I’d had NIPT and all the scans (so post 20 weeks) until I was sure their was a viable pregnancy. Post 40 the risks are greater of abnormality and late miscarriage.

Don't do any thing rash, you are very early on so you have time to sit on this and try to think logical and decide.

All I would say if there's any doubt and you want this baby, don't do anything yet.

From everything you’ve said it sounds like terminating would be the right choice for you, although it would be undoubtedly very difficult.

You’ll get lots of pro-life women coming on here saying “you go hun you can do this”, but they’re not the ones that have to deal with the additional emotional/financial/physical strain of having a new baby, who will require 18+ years of parenting. Three kids as a single mum will be very, very hard.

I think it’s admirable that you’re taking into account the impact on your existing kids and proves what a great mother you are.

It's difficult because your heart wants one thing, but your head wants something else.

You took all reasonable precautions not to concieve. You don't particularly like the father of the baby (he lied to you about already being in a relationship, and it generally sounds like he is full of shit). You have 2 older children who are about to navigate the transition up into secondary school and adolescence, and who are going to need a different type of parenting (and are about to become very expensive!).

I have no doubt that you will cope and that you will be a great Mum to a new baby. But it is going to blow up what you have spent nearly 40 years working towards. You cannot predict how your kids will react (both short and long term) and you can't predict how this man is going to react and what trouble he is going to bring to your door.

Its a horrible position to be in, and there is no right choice - there are just two different, less than ideal choices. You just have to chose a path and don't look back. Best of luck.

However good the reasons for termination are, and there are some excellent ones, I would be hesitant to say to go through with it if there is a part of you that wants this. Psychologically speaking it would be very very difficult.

Only you can make this decision, and no matter what anyone else would do only you can have any idea of how it would make you feel. I would say you are obviously in a relatively strong position financially, and everything else generally works out but if you feel this would be detrimental to your life then by all means terminate.

I wouldnt continue with this pregnancy. I know you'd never regret another child, but I'd be thinking of the lives it will shatter and the impact on my current children. For me, it has bad idea written all over it.

You've said you really really don't want to terminate in your OP. I think in your shoes I'd get some counselling and take the time to explore the issues and make sure I'm comfortable with the decision.

For me, I'd consider it like a previous poster suggested:

• financially - can you afford it? You have a great salary, so it seems like that would be okay.

• impact on current children. Can you support them all? Will they be receptive to a new sibling? In many ways, with them being a bit more independent, it might be easier.

• childcare for any new baby - how will this work? Can your parents help out a bit in return for your financial support?

So sorry you're having to make this decision and hope you're okay

I don't have salary, rather contracting at the moment - so all my maternity will have to be unpaid. I can stay at home for a year or so, then it will be nursery or a nanny. My parents will gladly do some babysitting here and there, but not a full time childcare sadly (health reasons rather than not willing).

What superb advice.
If you want the baby even a little, keep it otherwise it'll haunt your life going forwards I feel. All my lost babies haunt my life but they were mcs

I think not wanting to do it means that for the time being, don’t. Cancel / postpone the appointment for a little bit and give yourself more time to think without that deadline looming.

On one side of the equation you have a lot of people potentially negatively affected, on the other side of the equation you have an embryonic life with a heartbeat and half your DNA, which is your last chance to have a baby. This is why you are having difficulties. You are not being irrational at all. It's not the baby's fault the twit didn't tell you he was engaged until after you had sex, so that's quite a headmash you have there!