AIBU to want to keep this baby?

[pregnantandlost]

Namechanged.

I am still not sure how this even happened. I am nearly 40, a single divorced mother of two (older primary age), their dad is not really involved. Have my own house, not a bad career (yes, with MN stereotypical six-digit salary). I found out over the weekend that I am pregnant (after my period was late and I felt quite unwell). Used pretty much every test on the market, with 100% clear positive results. I must be now around 6 weeks.

The father is not someone whom I know very well. He is an ex-work colleague, and we have had a few hook ups. He is engaged and in a relationship of 5+ years (disclosed to me only after we had sex), but claims to be now completely infatuated with me. I am much less enthusiastic about him and don't really want any sort of "real" relationship with him. He's also almost a decade younger than me, and thankfully lives several hours away. I did not tell him.

I was on a hormonal birth control (I take it for skin issues, although technically I should have stopped at my age), and we used condoms every time, with no failure. I honestly cannot understand how this even could have physically happened (I know everyone says that, but it is true in this case). I did not have sex with anyone else for a loooong time, so it is definitely his.

I need some rationality from the hive mind, please. A part of me understands that it is my last chance to have another baby, and just does not want to let it go. Another part screams at me that I will just ruin several lives if I keep this baby, and it WILL become known, one way or another. I booked an appoitment to terminate for Saturday, but my emotions are all over the place, and I really, really don't want to do this.

If I could have this baby and never tell him, I would, but this is completely not fair either for the child or for him, and not my decision to make, is it?

Please kick some sense back into me. I am normally a very rational and sensible person, I am actually paid for logical thinking as my job, so I cannot understand why I suddenly have such a lapse of reason and brain fog over this.

Tough one, OP.

I think I'd worry so much about how the child would feel about not knowing their father because you didn't want to have to deal with that (I agree it would be a nightmare), and having a different father to its siblings.

Certainly, termination would help keep all the spinning plates you have spinning. This will bring an element of chaos into your setup. Do you mind that?

Your existing children will get to an age that they will wonder where their extra sibling came from … awkward.

Don’t - focus on being the best mum to them

She's not terminating just because it might upset him she is terminating for a number of very valid reasons .

Forgive me I've not read the full thread. Horrible situation op and I really feel for you but in your situation I would terminate. Life will get a whole lot harder for you all with a baby and really unfair in the father and the child not to tell him if you go through with it. I have terminated a pregnancy previously and honestly don't regret it. Lots of people don't regret it.

In your place, I would have the baby and make the best of it. Wait until you are three months pregnant, then tell the father, leaving it up to him if he wants involvement, visiting rights, etc. As you don't want involvement, you don't have to set up house with him but he has a right to know and your child will also want information about their father as they get older.

I'm sure you will be fine and I wish you good luck.

Please also bear in mind that if you keep the baby. Once the father dings out, and he will find out, he could get 50:50 custody. Not sure if that would make your life harder or easier. I really feel for you. Awful situation that's not your fault x

This is a blood curdling attitude. Unplanned, irresponsible reproduction is at the root of most social, economic and environmental ills.

Abortion is a feature, not a bug, whether via miscarriage or medical intervention. If every fertilized egg were allowed to grow into a human being, we'd be extinct already.

It's not a baby and the actual existing children must take precedence. Emotionally, financially, logistically, it's unfair to them to disrupt their family and the rest of their lives because of a sexual fling with an asshole.

I wouldn't worry about ruining his life, not to sound harsh but this is just a fluke event and he is responsible for his cheating. If it ends his relationship, that is likely for the best for his fiancee, as he's a liar and cheater.

You want the. Any so keep it.

Its entirely your choice whether to have the baby or not. To me, your post reads as though you do want to have it though. And it sounds like you are set up in life well enough to manage it.
But if you do have it, the decent thing would be to tell the father, for the child's sake as much as his.

His fiancee, who is a completely innocent party in all this, and her world will be completely destroyed by my unilateral decision (I already feel terrible for being an accessory to an affair, even though I did not know).

Of all the factors to take into consideration this should not be one. Any fallout for the fiancee is his fault and his fault alone. It is not on you. Focus on you and your existing children. You can't be also trying to optimise her life.

(Or his)

i was in this situation but i had 4 children aged 14-22.

My daughter is now 2. she has been the biggest light in ALL our lives. i couldn't begin to explain it.

our lives have been enriched a thousand fold and she is one lucky girl

This is a blood curdling attitude. Unplanned, irresponsible reproduction is at the root of most social, economic and environmental ills.

DISGUSTING

*This is a blood curdling attitude. Unplanned, irresponsible reproduction is at the root of most social, economic and environmental ills.

Abortion is a feature, not a bug, whether via miscarriage or medical intervention. If every fertilized egg were allowed to grow into a human being, we'd be extinct already. *

there's a massive flaw in your logic.

if all the intelligent people like you decided to abort babies surely there would only be the stupid people left.

True say

I literally ran away from the termination. I've a feeling that you would find it very difficult to step through the doors. My pregnancy was extremely inconvenient. My then bf was married and although separated never divorced. His family wanted nothing to do with me. My DC were becoming independent and life was so much easier. I had no maternity pay. I was nearly 40.
My DC were overjoyed at my pregnancy. They adored their new sibling despite disliking the father who didn't want any custody. They all have a fantastic relationship now, going on holiday together etc. I was in the public eye locally and it was all very awkward explaining my unexpected pregnancy.
That baby has enriched all our lives. My advice is don't rush a decision. The route you want to take will become clearer.

Excuse typos, sorry. This is a tough one, op. It's hard when everything is on you to provide for the child, although he'd probably pay child support at least or have some custody. Would you be over extended if your parents health got worse? Since your kids are older they might be able to help with your parents/the baby if they're willing, and will be more independent in a few yrs.

A) The fiancee shouldn't walk into a marriage without knowing her fiance is a cheat.
B) I would tell the man he is the father, you do not need involvement from him though he is welcome to have consistent contact that will not mess the child about. Even if it's once a month. I would also be wary of the fiancee if she stays around, not being kind to the child.
C) I would tell the child their father is someone I was dating but who wasn't free to have a relationship and so now you are just vague 'friends' in order for him to see them, if that is the case. If he doesn't want to see them, that will be harder. Then I'd say, he wasn't free and wasn't ready to be a dad. The main thing I'd be worried about would be the rejection aspect if he won't see them, as your other two children will have their dad.
The only way you can deal with it is to be as matter of fact as possible with your child as they grow and frame it as just you two as a team (if he doesn't want to be involved). And get your children very onside to be lovely kind siblings.

This.

I'm pro choice so no skin in this game.

The fact that you posted tells me deep down you want to have this baby.

You can weigh up all the reasons for and against but at the end of the day you already know. Follow your gut.

You have experience dealing with raising children alone and having very little input from your children’s father. I don’t doubt that you could do this.

If you’re self employed you need to be able to work. Your parents health means that they can’t provide regular childcare so you’d have to find money for that. As you’re financially responsible for your parents and their health isn’t good, is it likely that you could find yourself looking at in home care costs for them in the near future? Are they likely to need more from you in terms of practical and emotional support?

I’d look at the numbers and the emotional cost. Is there enough of you to go around? Can you put in the necessary hours of work and still have the time and energy to deal with a baby, older DC and your parents?

Whatever you choose to do, you haven’t ruined any lives. A man who has hook ups while he’s in a five year relationship with another women - a woman he’s engaged to - is the one who has caused this situation. You had safe sex and had no idea he was in a relationship. I doubt that this is the first time he’s cheated on her.

Take your time to think this through and, whatever your decision is, be kind to yourself.

This! 100 per cent.

There's talk about wrecking lives. It's not wrecking lives. People will get used to it after the initial shock if you decide to go ahead. That's not what you should base your decision on.

A lot of the factors you are worrying about - the father, his relationship, your children your parents - you don't actually know how any of them will react. eg You don't know how positive/enduring the father's relationship with his fiancée is and you are not responsible for that, he is. Don't do something you may regret just to make life easier for him.

I suspect that he can be as involved as you want him to be. You can talk to someone experienced about how this works and make a plan and then talk to him.
In other ways, you have a well-paid career, and a house with older siblings and grandparents ( who may not be able to help full-time) but can certainly watch the baby every now and then.

We had a big age gap and older siblings were delighted, played with them, kept them amused. Yes. we still had our hiccoughs along the way but I'm glad we did it.

All I'm saying is the main thing it comes down to what you yourself want, the other difficulties can be worked around if you do. But don't worry so much about other people. But if you feel its all too much then that is your choice and you have to do what's right for you, not for other people.

All I'm saying is the main thing it comes down to what you yourself want, the other difficulties can be worked around if you do. But don't worry so much about other people. But if you feel its all too much then that is your choice and you have to do what's right for you, not for other people.

This ^

Think about the children you already have and also the impact on your career. Also, you will have to think about the impact on you as you get older in so far as working for longer than you hoped and dealing with a teenager in your mid fifties and university costs until your early sixties. Just follow your head on this one.

If you don't want to have a termination then don't have one 🤷‍♀️

Single women are allowed to have babies, it's not something only the marrieds are allowed to do...

@pregnantandlost

I try not to think at all about that I have been the "other woman". Felt unbelievable guilt about it, and he did say - "I thought you knew and were okay with it", and then I was wrecking my brain for days and days trying to recall if he did at any point mention his fiancee at the time when we were just colleagues, and I just missed it. Maybe he did, but I just never registered it.

If he had really told you this, even in passing, I'm sure this is something which would register, and perhaps given you pause. You know he's gaslighting you on this don't you?

Also, if you decide to proceed with the pregnancy, consider getting him to contribute to the baby's upbringing- it's half his DNA after all. However small a chance of conceiving because of the precautions taken, the fact is it did happen and he is actively part of and responsible for the conception. 🌹