AIBU to want to keep this baby?

[pregnantandlost]

Namechanged.

I am still not sure how this even happened. I am nearly 40, a single divorced mother of two (older primary age), their dad is not really involved. Have my own house, not a bad career (yes, with MN stereotypical six-digit salary). I found out over the weekend that I am pregnant (after my period was late and I felt quite unwell). Used pretty much every test on the market, with 100% clear positive results. I must be now around 6 weeks.

The father is not someone whom I know very well. He is an ex-work colleague, and we have had a few hook ups. He is engaged and in a relationship of 5+ years (disclosed to me only after we had sex), but claims to be now completely infatuated with me. I am much less enthusiastic about him and don't really want any sort of "real" relationship with him. He's also almost a decade younger than me, and thankfully lives several hours away. I did not tell him.

I was on a hormonal birth control (I take it for skin issues, although technically I should have stopped at my age), and we used condoms every time, with no failure. I honestly cannot understand how this even could have physically happened (I know everyone says that, but it is true in this case). I did not have sex with anyone else for a loooong time, so it is definitely his.

I need some rationality from the hive mind, please. A part of me understands that it is my last chance to have another baby, and just does not want to let it go. Another part screams at me that I will just ruin several lives if I keep this baby, and it WILL become known, one way or another. I booked an appoitment to terminate for Saturday, but my emotions are all over the place, and I really, really don't want to do this.

If I could have this baby and never tell him, I would, but this is completely not fair either for the child or for him, and not my decision to make, is it?

Please kick some sense back into me. I am normally a very rational and sensible person, I am actually paid for logical thinking as my job, so I cannot understand why I suddenly have such a lapse of reason and brain fog over this.

Is there anyone trusted you can confide in who absolutely does not know the 'father'? Or can you get some counselling?

Logically, it seems like a no-brainer, but obviously you wouldn't want to make a decision you later regret (either way - and not saying you would regret if you did have the baby, but it could make life hard).

It sounds like you want to keep the baby and I think you'd make it work.

To offer a different perspective; my mother had an abortion that she regretted which profoundly impacted my childhood and the lives of our immediate family members because of the impact on her mental health. She felt it was her only option but has struggled ever since to come to terms with it, especially when she realised that all the family would have rallied round her and another child would have been welcomed with open arms. She was also caring for elderly parents at the time and there was a large age gap with the other children. Many years after the abortion she became pregnant again (like you was very fertile and contraception failed) and had that child as she couldn't face another abortion and when she saw the positive reaction the birth of that child had from the rest of the family and how everyone rallied round, she fell apart because she realised the abortion was a huge mistake and she's been haunted by it for the rest of her life. She's quite elderly now and still describes it as her biggest mistake and regret.

Secondly, I have a sibling from an affair. Their life and my life was not wrecked by their existence. Was it hard? Yes. Do any of us wish we and the other don't exist? No. I was the age of your existing children when it happened. I adjusted and, as much as I can't stand the other woman, I don't judge her for not terminating her child. I think she did the right thing in the circumstances. She was under pressure to abort but she knew it wasn't what she wanted.

Thirdly, if I was engaged I'd rather find out my fiance was a piece of shit prior to marrying him, tangling up my finances, emotions and fertility with him. Will she be devastated? Yes. Is it all your fault? No. Should you have an abortion to protect her and him from his actions? Absolutely not. He'll probably cheat again. It's between him and her to sort out their relationship.

I wouldn't, but I'm not you. Only you can decide, but if I were you I would have a good think about how this could affect your current children.

Thank you for the cold-headed analysis. I feel reasonably comfortable about the first three points, but completely not sure about point 4. The only thing about the father that I can say is that he is very good looking. We tried discussing quite a few things, and could not really find any common ground even as friends, I dread to think how it would be as parents. We are worlds apart pretty much in everything - in our lifestyles, world view including politics, how we spend our free time, what we approve and disapprove of.

Yes, I confided with a close (male) friend yesterday, as I really wanted to hear the male view as well. His view was terminate, don't tell him, block him on all messengers, go into counselling to help process.

All my other friends are lovely, but, sadly, also horrible gossips, so everyone will know in 24 hours. Not the father, he is completely out of my normal circles, but I don't really want people discussing this.

I don't think I will see a father again, unless it is arranged on purpose. We used to meet when he came to London on his "office" days (every other week roughly), now he's no longer working in London there's no reason for us to overlap in any way.
He keeps messaging me every day saying he loves me and misses me, but even then does not go as far as suggesting to meet up.

I try not to think at all about that I have been the "other woman". Felt unbelievable guilt about it, and he did say - "I thought you knew and were okay with it", and then I was wrecking my brain for days and days trying to recall if he did at any point mention his fiancee at the time when we were just colleagues, and I just missed it. Maybe he did, but I just never registered it.

Now it is exacerbated by the guilt of actually be pregnant as a result of that affair. Never thought I would find myself in the situation like this. His fiancee is early-mid 20s, ffs, doesn't deserve this at all.

Yes, this is an issue. I am pretty sure (well, at least now!) that I will regret this decision for the rest of my life, and will have to have some therapy to get over. Or it is just a biological reaction now, and I will be actually OK once the pregnancy hormones are washed out of my system.
I am pro-choice, of course, I have just never imagined myself getting an abortion.

I think you should cancel the termination to give yourself time to be sure your decision isn't one you'd regret. Can you see a therapist now to work through it?

I will say, though you really don't need to worry about the father's fiancee. It's best she knows he's been cheating. That is not your fault in the slightest.

I would arrange some specialist impartial counselling to help to make this decision - there are pros and cons to both sides. Good luck with everything - I'm rooting for you

As pp gave said, if he's cheated once, he's likely to do it again. You can't terminate to save another woman's feelings. Think about yourself and your children, and try not to let the guilty sway you.

This.

I would terminate ASAP.

We aren't animals that bear the offspring of any passing hookup. Your existing children need your focus and energy.

You’ll get lots of pro-life women coming on here saying “you go hun you can do this”,

That’s a very unfair remark. The comments I’ve read here aren’t anti-abortion. PPs are weighing up OP’s options, considering her feelings and circumstances, trying to help her find the best outcome for her and her children.

I wouldn't want to push you into the wrong decision. But it sounds like keeping the baby could put you in quite a tricky position. If the father lives several hours away but decides he wants to be involved, then you'd have the issue (between you) of transporting the child back and forth for 18 years - on top of work, older kids and elderly parents. If he also may resent you over the situation, and has very different values to you, then this could be a co-parenting nightmare.

Even without the above, although you sound okay financially, I'd worry about you managing on your own with a small baby, plus work, plus older kids, plus parents living with you and becoming increasingly dependent. It sounds an awful lot for one person to take on.

I also wanted to mention something I'd read on here, which I hadn't known about before. I've seen a few women on here say they got very broody in their early 40s. Perhaps a "last chance fertility" thing. But that it passed after that. Could be a biological reason for your unexpected feelings about it.

All the best with your decision.

Apparently I disagree with the majority here on two counts:

I think if you have a strong feeling you want to keep the baby, and financial security, you should do it. Additional siblings bring positive and negatives for existing children. No one knows how their relationships will pan out (and this applies in traditional nuclear families too).

I do think you have a responsibility to tell the father, however. I think children have a right to know both parents unless they are outright abusive. Your guy doesn't sound like the greatest man on earth but I don't see the justification for your child never knowing him, or him not knowing he has a child in existence. And remember, it's likely your child will want to track him down and it will all come out, one day.

Don’t worry about the fiancée in your decision.
It’s horrible for her and I understand why you feel guilty but you know and actually it’s probably better for her to find out her fiancé is a cheat before he becomes her husband.

I forgot to add, on the pregnant at 40 thing, I wouldn't worry about so much. I'm 39 and pregnant with my second. My friends are a similar age and having normal low risk pregnancies in late 30s and early 40s.

You’re going to feel guilty if you terminate and guilty if you don’t.

If you don’t, you’ll have guilt over the impact on your current family and extended family; you’ll feel guilt over finances, your lack of time, your capacity to work. If you do, you’ll feel guilty about the termination and about what might have been.

You have to decide which course of action will cause less guilt. Or, even do one of those pros and cons lists and see how that pans out.

Personally if I could financially afford it I’d keep the baby.
You aren’t ruining or shattering lives and the only person who will be impacted by a termination is you. Therefore you and you alone must be the primary focus of your decision. Not the father, not your existing children but you.
They are considerations and should inform your thinking but they shouldn’t be the driver of an outcome you are against, it’s your life and your body.

OP, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You don’t owe this man anything. And there’s no reason why a third child would ruin the lives of its older siblings.

Maybe try to imagine your life in 5 years’ time, two scenarios, with and without a third child?

Above all, don’t be swayed by irrelevant feelings of guilt or by catastrophising. The world won’t end either way.

I hope you make the best decision for you. Good luck xx

If you want the baby and are happy knowing you can handle it alone if it comes to that, then no it's not mad to have the baby. Your baby, your body.

There is a lot of people on here saying absolutely keep it, or absolutely don't keep it. They are not living your life, you are and the only person who can make this decision. You are fully aware of the practical difficulties. My advise would be to take time to think about this. Get some professional counselling to help think this through in a safe space and please don't just base this incredibly important decision on a bunch of randoms giving bad advice on the internet.

Oh what a pickle.

A termination would certainly make your life far less complicated. However, it is probably your last chance to have another child & I couldn't have terminated in that situation. I'd rather have dealt with the complications.

your DC will take their cues from you. If you're happy & positive, chances are they will be too.

your parents are bound to have their opinions, probably mixed, but you're an adult not 17., so 🙅🏻‍♀️

It's going to be very complicated whether to tell him or not, but the first decision is whether YOU want another child or a terminstion

If you want the baby then have it, let's face it at 40 this will be your last chance.

Things will work out, it's seems such a big thing now but realistically thousands of women each year have babies in shit circumstances. And the world keeps turning, there's no great implosion. Its just life.

I think you should decide to wait, and make a decision in 2 weeks. Set a deadline and stick to it. Good luck with whatever you choose. You will be OK xx