AIBU to want to keep this baby?

[pregnantandlost]

Namechanged.

I am still not sure how this even happened. I am nearly 40, a single divorced mother of two (older primary age), their dad is not really involved. Have my own house, not a bad career (yes, with MN stereotypical six-digit salary). I found out over the weekend that I am pregnant (after my period was late and I felt quite unwell). Used pretty much every test on the market, with 100% clear positive results. I must be now around 6 weeks.

The father is not someone whom I know very well. He is an ex-work colleague, and we have had a few hook ups. He is engaged and in a relationship of 5+ years (disclosed to me only after we had sex), but claims to be now completely infatuated with me. I am much less enthusiastic about him and don't really want any sort of "real" relationship with him. He's also almost a decade younger than me, and thankfully lives several hours away. I did not tell him.

I was on a hormonal birth control (I take it for skin issues, although technically I should have stopped at my age), and we used condoms every time, with no failure. I honestly cannot understand how this even could have physically happened (I know everyone says that, but it is true in this case). I did not have sex with anyone else for a loooong time, so it is definitely his.

I need some rationality from the hive mind, please. A part of me understands that it is my last chance to have another baby, and just does not want to let it go. Another part screams at me that I will just ruin several lives if I keep this baby, and it WILL become known, one way or another. I booked an appoitment to terminate for Saturday, but my emotions are all over the place, and I really, really don't want to do this.

If I could have this baby and never tell him, I would, but this is completely not fair either for the child or for him, and not my decision to make, is it?

Please kick some sense back into me. I am normally a very rational and sensible person, I am actually paid for logical thinking as my job, so I cannot understand why I suddenly have such a lapse of reason and brain fog over this.

I agree. It’s a different situation for them than if you were married/in LTR and their father was the father of the baby.

I think you should take the father out of the equation and go with your heart on this

‘My children, to whom I am pretty much the only parent, and have been pretty much since birth / toddler age. Is it really fair to dilute my attention, when I am already working dawn to dusk and they don't have a lot of me.

My parents, who live with me and 100% depend on me financially at the moment. It is unlikely to improve.’

Sorry, this already sounds absolutely awful, you have four people utterly dependent on you and your existing kids don’t get enough of you :(

There is no rush to get a termination.
You have time available to decide what is best for you and your family.
I would concentrate on if you want this child or not or if it is because of your age and you feel it somewhat of a meant to be miracle.
I have children from different dads and in real world this is normal and totally acceptable and they are still brothers and sisters.. I also have large age gap.
If work stops there is always help until you get back on your feet.
The father will find out and he may or may not want anything to do with it. He might be a great dad or a shitty one.
As a person he seems disgusting and if I was you I wouldn't listen to any of the drivel he tells you about being infatuated by you can't stop thinking of you etc does he say this before or after he climbs into bed with his unaware fiance? He's definitely not a catch and I wouldn't entertain a relationship with him at all.
It would be classified as geriatric pregnancy which means a lot more risks.
Can you get a private scan as they are able to use higher tech equipment get seen quicker etc once you have more facts you can make a decision. You don't have to look just ask for what is seen.
There is also dedicated helplines for abortions and they don't say do it or don't do it they listen ask questions and it's anonymous.
Terminations on nhs are awful so again if you can afford it go private. It's a completely different experience and worth looking into types of abortion as there's pills or surgical or natural delivery awake or asleep etc

The thread is three months old, guys, I have terminated the pregnancy roughly a week after starting the thread. Still feeling terrible about it, but started healing too.

Thanks for the update op, all the best to you and your family. Always hard to make a decision weighing future unknowns.

I think you made the right decision. I think when the childbearing window is closing, biology tries to persuade us to have one more when there's still time. I always wanted two children but at pushing 40 my husband had to talk me out of trying for a third. I am glad he did.

If you want the baby, keep the baby. The fiancé is not your problem. HE destroyed their relationship and he’ll do it again, if she marries him.
You may have saved her a crappy marriage with a cheating husband.

I’m sorry I didn’t read the whole thread. You did the right thing for you. I hope you are ok!

Yes all of this

Hey,

I have been in a similar position and know how hard this decision can be. I found out I was pregnant with a second baby when my first was only tiny, marriage was a mess and knew I had to prioritise the baby I already had. I went back and forth but ultimately I knew deep down what I had to do. The process wasn't too bad, I did struggle mentally for a good while after so do not underestimate this but do not let it put you off making the right decision for you. I am so much stronger than I have ever been since making that decision and I know nothing will ever come close to the pain I went through emotionally, sometimes being a mum means making the toughest decisions.

Sending lots of love and strength x

Sorry, just seen this!

Just seen your update. Really hope you are doing okay. I know it was a very personal decision but it seems a sensible decision, and I think quite a selfless decision given the potential impact on many other people in both your lives.

Why would you post this on a three month old thread? How insensitive

I reckon the poster didn't realise it was a 3 month old thread. There isn't enough distinction between "trending" and "similar threads" at the bottom of pages imo, and the poster could have easily clicked on a similar thread assuming it was a new one.

I wouldn't.

Yes, I'm sorry. I see them as trending threads and didn't even realise it was an older post would never have commented if I had...there really should be a clearer view on a mobile and threads like this unable to post on after a while..
Apologies to all again xx

I am pretty sure you can turn off the suggested threads option. It's really stupid of MN to put them at the bottom of threads and they have been told this is a problem but don't care. Trending is different to suggested threads. The thread couldn't have been in trending as it wasn't posted on for 2 months before you did but it was clearly a mistake and I apologise for my snarkiness.

Don't terminate the baby. Your emotions are all over the place and you are unsure of your decision. Take some time to think this through. YOU are not ruining any lives by keeping your baby. It's not on you that he cheated on his fiancé and that there is another child. That is on him and for them to work through.
I don't think you need to rush out and tell him , take some time to process things first and wait for the right time

Why don't you read the whole thread before you comment? Your remarks are inappropriate as you will see if you do.

Why don't you read the whole thread? It's distressing for OP.

This. Nicely put 👏