AIBU to want to keep this baby?

[pregnantandlost]

Namechanged.

I am still not sure how this even happened. I am nearly 40, a single divorced mother of two (older primary age), their dad is not really involved. Have my own house, not a bad career (yes, with MN stereotypical six-digit salary). I found out over the weekend that I am pregnant (after my period was late and I felt quite unwell). Used pretty much every test on the market, with 100% clear positive results. I must be now around 6 weeks.

The father is not someone whom I know very well. He is an ex-work colleague, and we have had a few hook ups. He is engaged and in a relationship of 5+ years (disclosed to me only after we had sex), but claims to be now completely infatuated with me. I am much less enthusiastic about him and don't really want any sort of "real" relationship with him. He's also almost a decade younger than me, and thankfully lives several hours away. I did not tell him.

I was on a hormonal birth control (I take it for skin issues, although technically I should have stopped at my age), and we used condoms every time, with no failure. I honestly cannot understand how this even could have physically happened (I know everyone says that, but it is true in this case). I did not have sex with anyone else for a loooong time, so it is definitely his.

I need some rationality from the hive mind, please. A part of me understands that it is my last chance to have another baby, and just does not want to let it go. Another part screams at me that I will just ruin several lives if I keep this baby, and it WILL become known, one way or another. I booked an appoitment to terminate for Saturday, but my emotions are all over the place, and I really, really don't want to do this.

If I could have this baby and never tell him, I would, but this is completely not fair either for the child or for him, and not my decision to make, is it?

Please kick some sense back into me. I am normally a very rational and sensible person, I am actually paid for logical thinking as my job, so I cannot understand why I suddenly have such a lapse of reason and brain fog over this.

No, but of course I won't blindly follow the AIBU consensus. I just know that AIBU harpies and vultures are actually quite a rational and sensible bunch (seriously), and do give good advice, even if sometimes not very palatable. That's why I am here.

In this country termination is “for” whatever reason the woman chooses within the legal time limit. HTH.

I probably don't mind a small element of chaos (to be honest, it is present even now), but the main destabilising element here is the father, mainly because I know very little about him. In a hypothetical scenario where I keep the pregnancy, I am not even sure what is the best outcome.

Do I tell him? If yes, when? What would even the best outcome that I want in this case - him not wanting to do anything with the baby? Him generally agreeing to be in contact a few times a year, for the child know where the other 50% of them come from? Him wanting a 50/50 custody and a say in everything - how far could this go, court hearings? Him letting his fiancee know, or not? No idea.

I am too a contractor through umbrella and I was rather surprised when I went on mat leave they gave me 90% of my average take home pay for 6 weeks. I took 4 months mat leave and went back to work, I too am a single mother with nothing to do with the dad financially or otherwise

I am between 5.5 and 6.5 weeks now, so for the "easy" non-surgical termination I need to decide within 2 weeks maximum.

I must admit I'm pretty rational about these things so I would consider the existing children first and foremost, and consequently I would terminate

I don't think not telling the father is an option truthfully.

I don't think that is fair on the potential child

What a tough situation for you OP
I feel like if you had been asked 3 months ago what you would do in this scenario, you’d say terminate. But now you find yourself in the actual scenario you hormones and your heart are making you question yourself. I think you know what the right thing to do is, but I understand why you’re questioning it.

I’d terminate. Life with babies is tough, of course hormones will be driving your desire to go ahead but reality will kick in. There will be lots of drama too with this guy. Your decision of course.

Do I tell him? If yes, when? What would even the best outcome that I want in this case - him not wanting to do anything with the baby? Him generally agreeing to be in contact a few times a year, for the child know where the other 50% of them come from? Him wanting a 50/50 custody and a say in everything - how far could this go, court hearings? Him letting his fiancee know, or not? No idea.

@pregnantandlost
I’m unsure if this is what you’re getting at here, but have you considered that if he wanted 50/50 custody that you’d be handing your child over to basically a stranger half the time. You said yourself you and him don’t agree on a lot of things. He might want to bring up the child completely differently to you. And you don’t know his family or what they’re like and your child could potentially be spending a lot of time with them.
If he told you he didn’t want to be involved at the start, that could change down the line and disrupt everyone’s lives.
Saying that, you absolutely have to tell him, you can’t not. It would be unfair not to, especially to the child.
Good luck OP

I think that “not telling the father” wouldn’t be the end of the story. 18+ years from now your child uploads their DNA to Ancestry and finds paternal relatives. A whole can of worms is opened. I am thinking of the programme DNA Family Secrets, specifically the case of the young woman who traced her paternal family through DNA but her bio father, a waiter who had had a holiday fling with her mum, was horrified and wanted no contact. I really think that if you go ahead, you need to be transparent with the child if not the father. Because it’s much easier for people to obtain answers about their heritage now.

I’ve typed all that why?…..well, it’s because what really strikes me about your posts is that you want this baby and you believe you can make it work. So I think that you should go ahead. I’m really sensing that you would like to.

The man’s poor fiancée is not your problem, harsh as that sounds. It would only be a problem if she were daft enough to forgive him, stayed with him, and behaved unkindly to your child on visits.

I don't buy into the idea that decisions are made made on rationale, or that this is the higher authority on decision-making! I often witness people making choices by emotion and slotting in a rationale to suit the decision afterwards.

Does it matter - I mean - why look for the rationale - your brain and body is giving you a pure reaction of "I want to do this". Maybe that is enough and all the rest is just positioning.

Good luck whatever you do, but I think (me, an anonymous randomer on the internet!) you want the baby, and you sound so level headed, you'll be fine and you will make it fine all around you :)

you sound so level headed, you'll be fine and you will make it fine all around you :)

This, OP, I was going to say something similar. I'm confident you will make the right decision for you (whatever that turns out to be).

I'm really sorry to say this but I think in your shoes I'd terminate
You already have your parents living with you, a busy job( although well paid) and DC

What will be the impact on your current DC

How will you manage practically, emotionally, physically

How will maternity leave impact your finances, your career, your long term plans

Given you're nearly 40 How would you cope if a foetal abnormality was detected, what would you do, how would it impact your current children.

Yes you should tell the father if you keep it and he should pay maintenance

Having been a single parent with DTs I would always advise against being single with a baby - they are bloody hard work & your hormones go all over the show in pregnancy/post pregnancy

It's really up to you OP. I would always have said that if I found myself in your situation I would terminate. When I was pregnant with DD they found some anomalies at the 20 week scan and termination was suggested. Up to then I would have been sure I would have terminated but I just couldn't. I know it's not the same as your situation but I think that once you are actually pregnant it's a lot more difficult to make the decision.

What I would say though is that if you do decide to go ahead and the father wants to be involved, can you cope with co-parenting with someone with whom you have nothing in common? What if he wants to parent completely differently to you? Could that make your life a lot more complicated? Of course he may not want to be involved at all and that has it's own issues.

Also if your parents already have health issues this could be an added complication.

I think the pp who suggested that you look at your life in 5 years time and see how you think it would be was making a good point. You will have two teenagers and a 5 year old.

I know it won't be an easy decision whichever choice you make but at the end of the day it is down to you and as long as you take into account all the possibilities and decide what is best for you and your children then I am sure you will make the right decision. As others have suggested perhaps some specific counselling may help you to get things clear in your mind.

How would you feel if you miscarried next week? Gut feeling?

An abortion should only ever be done in the best interest of the mother and or the fetus. Never ever for the man, let alone his gf. Please cancel the appointment, as you clearly arent certain, you can always book another if you decide to abort, but you can never ever take it back if you abort too early and many people like myself, end up regretting it forever. You dont have to tell him either untill necessary (determined by you) good luck

How are you getting on OP?

How are you OP?

Came late to this thread. Do hope you are ok, OP.

I wish you all the very best with your decision. I always remember reading on here someone saying something along the lines of ‘ ask women who chose to go ahead and have their child if they regret it’ the answer is no. I guess what I’m saying is, if you choose to go ahead then you won’t regret it. You may have some challenging situations but you will all get through it. Your children will have a new sibling. That’s likely to be a loved brother or sister for them. I really doubt they’ll care much beyond that.
I wouldn’t think of the fiancée in this situation. That is his wrong decision, to have cheated. Not yours. Again if you choose not to tell him, I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Give it as much time as you can to chat with a counsellor and decide what to do. No rush yet. Good be luck.

You are not being unreasonable to want to keep this baby. ❤️ As I know you already know from having other children… motherhood doesn’t exactly make sense a lot of the time. And it’s amazing how even just a few weeks in, it becomes part of your world. Our society likes to deal in cold hard facts and almost revel in their common sense - but motherhood, the urge to bring life into the world, the feeling of nurture, those are things that defy logic and THAT is for a reason!

How and when and where this child was conceived, and who on the father’s side might be affected, are not your burden to bear. I have a suspicion people here would be urging you to “go for it” if you were talking about an opportunity to take a five-year trip of a lifetime around the world, just because you have the opportunity to, even if it defied the “most logical thing to do”. This is something you didn’t ask for, but that you’ve been given… and it’s okay to want to lean in and love on that.

May you find perfect peace on this decision, and remember that your emotional needs and drives and desire as the mother on this unexpected journey matters… even more than the “more logical” things people will bring up to you. Nobody else could be this child’s mother - you and only you have that choice to make, and your feelings and thoughts on it are TOTALLY valid!

In your situation I would have an abortion. Your 40 and I know that you may feel that this is your last chance to have a another baby. You need to consider a lot of things at the moment.

Your not in a proper relationship with the father and you found out he is already engaged.
You don't know how he will react to this news if you decide to tell him. You could have battle with him re maintenance, custody ect. If he knows about this child he is going to be in your life long term.

You need to consider your own health. At 40 you could have health issues been pregnant, you may get high blood pressure ect. Then what happens if you find out your baby is disabled after doing various tests. How would you cope if you're child was diagnosed as been austic at 3 or 4 and you could only work 3 or 4 days a week as they have a lot of appointments.

You have also have to consider that you currently have 2 children who are in the later stages of primary school. They are coming to an expensive stage. Within x period of time they will be finished school and university. If you have another baby you will be 58/59 before they get to university so you will still be working hard in your early to mid 60's to get them through university.

I know you managed to bring your two children up so far with very little support but as you get older this could get harder. The current cost of living is effecting everyone. You mentioned that your parents are currently living with you and your helping them out financially. So you know that you won't get an inheritance at a later date.

I personally think that having an another baby at this stage is only going to make your own life more difficult. It going to effect you, the older kids you already have and your parents a lot. I think that at times life can be hard enough without doing things that will bring further potential hardship. You already working long hours. Your financially responsible for yourself, 2 children and your parents.
The truth was you were not involved with a man for a while and despite being careful your contraception failed. You found yourself in a difficult situation but at least now you can get an abortion. I know abortion is not easy but get counselling for your self. Long term having another baby will be to hard for you and the kids you already have

@pregnantandlost how are you doing OP?