AIBU to want to keep this baby?

[pregnantandlost]

Namechanged.

I am still not sure how this even happened. I am nearly 40, a single divorced mother of two (older primary age), their dad is not really involved. Have my own house, not a bad career (yes, with MN stereotypical six-digit salary). I found out over the weekend that I am pregnant (after my period was late and I felt quite unwell). Used pretty much every test on the market, with 100% clear positive results. I must be now around 6 weeks.

The father is not someone whom I know very well. He is an ex-work colleague, and we have had a few hook ups. He is engaged and in a relationship of 5+ years (disclosed to me only after we had sex), but claims to be now completely infatuated with me. I am much less enthusiastic about him and don't really want any sort of "real" relationship with him. He's also almost a decade younger than me, and thankfully lives several hours away. I did not tell him.

I was on a hormonal birth control (I take it for skin issues, although technically I should have stopped at my age), and we used condoms every time, with no failure. I honestly cannot understand how this even could have physically happened (I know everyone says that, but it is true in this case). I did not have sex with anyone else for a loooong time, so it is definitely his.

I need some rationality from the hive mind, please. A part of me understands that it is my last chance to have another baby, and just does not want to let it go. Another part screams at me that I will just ruin several lives if I keep this baby, and it WILL become known, one way or another. I booked an appoitment to terminate for Saturday, but my emotions are all over the place, and I really, really don't want to do this.

If I could have this baby and never tell him, I would, but this is completely not fair either for the child or for him, and not my decision to make, is it?

Please kick some sense back into me. I am normally a very rational and sensible person, I am actually paid for logical thinking as my job, so I cannot understand why I suddenly have such a lapse of reason and brain fog over this.

At minimum it sounds like you need more time to decide! I don’t know when the deadline is for termination - but can you put the decision off until then? Also if there are NIPT tests you can do prior as the more information you have on the pregnancy the more confident you could be on your decision.

"My children, to whom I am pretty much the only parent, and have been pretty much since birth / toddler age. Is it really fair to dilute my attention, when I am already working dawn to dusk and they don't have a lot of me."

There's your answer, OP.

It's not disgusting.

@LaurieStrode is right.

Thank you all. I am reading and grateful for all replies (genuinely), and I will reply individually to all posters a bit later. Irresponsible reproduction by single mothers leading to social ills is probably not a significant concern in my case - I am a reasonably well adjusted middle aged woman, with a stable and loving extended family, and with some tangible and non-tangible assets too. I raised my two almost fully by myself so far, with no financial and very limited physical contribution from their father, so I don't have rose tinted specs on about what it involves.

So for the fiancée - her life will be ruined if she continues to be in a relationship and gets married to a man who cheated on her and is now saying he’s obsessed with you - whether or not you became pregnant. You’d be doing her a very big favour.

Difficult.

If you keep the baby I really don't think you have to tell him. You may know you didn't have any other sex, but he doesn't need to!

I suppose it could get complicated later if DC wants to know about their dad but you could just say he wasn't someone you knew well and you didn't keep in contact.

I can see the point. However, I think that he is not actually "in love" with me - I think it is the novelty that excites him, and possibly the exoticism of the situation (he is much younger and I used to be much, much more senior than him and visible in the company when we used to work together - I hasten to add absolutely nothing has happened then!).

I think this is a very unfair post. What about the two children op already has? Do you feel the same about them?

It is a baby actually, despite being very early. Let’s not pretend abortion is nothing.

At the end of the day the op has to feel right about her decision to abort as it is a very big deal.

Perhaps, but I still think it’s very unfair of a woman to be planning to marry someone who has cheated on her.

Don’t count the fiancé finding out as a negative. She needs to know. You would be doing her a favor.

she is young enough that she can get a full panel of testing, get past her grief and rage, and still find a permanent healthy relationship.

A panel of testing is probably something I need to arrange too, yikes. If the sperm somehow got in, a virus or two could have tagged along. Just thought about it now after reading this comment.

Very difficult OP. I think for your own mental health some counselling might help you come to a clear decision. The main thing is that you don’t have regrets with what you decide. You are an important person in your family and it’s imperative that you are okay with whatever you do. I think if you are at peace with your decision and it builds you as a person, your family will understand and support you. Have confidence that you will make the right decision for your family as a whole.

Only you can make this decision, but I would terminate.

You sound like you have your life pretty sorted out despite your children's dad not really being around. A new baby by a man you're not in a relationship with would throw a hand grenade into the middle of it all.

You have done nothing wrong and should not feel guilty in the slightest. I would advise you to listen to your heart and do what is best for you. Even though you are currently in a bit of an awkward position, you are not responsible for him lying, or for the happiness of his fiancé. 40 is no age to have a baby you will be absolutely fine if you choose to do so! The reality is there is no perfect time or situation to have a baby, but it sounds like you have a pretty good set up! Please don't listen to random Mumsnet posters in regards to whether you should have an abortion or not - this is an entirely personal decision for you, but I would advise you to really listen to your feelings - even the need to post 'AIBU to want to keep this baby?' says a lot. Whatever you decide, make it your decision alone - and nothing to do with what random people on a forum say!

I could be wrong, but I'm sure there's some sort of maternity pay alternative for women who have worked but not enough to qualify for SMP or your own circumstances.

Maternity allowance?

I can see the point. However, I think that he is not actually "in love" with me - I think it is the novelty that excites him, and possibly the exoticism of the situation (he is much younger and I used to be much, much more senior than him and visible in the company when we used to work together - I hasten to add absolutely nothing has happened then!).

Does it matter? Either way he has cheated on her. Why is irrelevant. If they had a child together then it may be different but I completely agree you may well be doing her a favour in the long run. The chances of her never finding out, him never cheating again and them living happily ever after are slim.

You need to consider your existing children, your wishes and the baby you may now have so I think it's at least worth having a conversation with him to see how involved he plans to be.

@LaurieStrode she was using two forms of contraception you judgmental fool.

Ah, I am a contractor working through an umbrella. I can get maternity allowance but tbh it is so low (in the context of usual expenses) that I have never thought of it as an option.

I agree.

The op did take precautions which failed. No-one can blame her for wanting to have the baby, it's natural.

The UK is not over populated.

anyonenayoneanyone is another 'pro-choicer' who actually just hates mothers and babies.

I'm glad someone said this. People implying a sibling is a negative thing seems really bizarre to me. And pretty insulting to single mums in the same situation

Absolutely this, termination should be for when you can bear no other option

Thank you, all sounds very reasonable. I actually was not broody at all before this accident, quite the opposite - small children and babies around just made me thank my lucky stars that mine are past that age. I mean, I enjoyed it, but god was it tough. That's why I absolutely cannot understand what is going on now in my head.

I think you need to give your self a little more time to think this though.

It's a massive shock, take a few more days and get some real life support from someone, or somewhere, neutral