AIBU to address post using Maiden names?

[Notablippifan]

This is a slightly silly one but over something my family does that annoys me at times.

I've been married to my husband for 7 years and when we got married I told my family that I had decided to keep my maiden name as I felt it was a big part of my identity and I didn't want to change.
Anyway my mum's side of the family are very traditional and I could see from their faces they didn't approve of this. From then onwards they've all been sending me post with my first name and my husband's surname. A few times I've messaged them saying "Thank you for the package but you put the wrong surname so you're lucky it didn't go elsewhere" just to make a point. They have repeatedly ignored this.

Would it be unreasonable to start sending them post using their maiden names just to be annoying? Super petty I know but it would give me a laugh!

I'm mid 50s. Added DHs surname to mine. Of my female friends in the same age range as married to men, only one didn't take her husbands name.
Of my younger friends, 2 didn't. 8 of the other 9 did, and one took an entirely new name as did her DH.
Of the same sex couples, none of the men changed their names at all, as did 5/6 of the women.

So what?

Your anecdote isn't relevant to the OP's situation, which is that people are deliberately addressing her by the wrong name.

I live in the North West but i have friends up and down the country. With very few exceptions, i could have written that post too

I find that super interesting. I (London) know people who have done everything conceivable with their last names.

In my experience, women taking their husbands’ last names are still the majority, but those keeping their last names or hyphenating are a large minority.

Yes, I am constantly surprised by how few women I know have chosen not to change their name. I am in Surrey and worked in London in the City for a long time.

It really is still the norm to change and women who don't really do get a lot of pushback.

Of the minority that i know of that haven't changed, I'm not aware that any have had any issues.
On here it seems to cause a lot of upset one way or the other. In my experience in real life no one else is bothered what you call yourself.

Why would you be aware of them having any issues?

Funny how much opinions on this kind of thing differ. I think OP's family are being mind-bogglingly rude, and I'd be furious if my family did that 🤔

I mean it hasn't come up in conversation. I imagine if they'd had issues that bothered them it would have been mentioned. You see it all the time on here

I doubt most people know how much it irritates me that I get push back for keeping my name. like a couple of PPs, I did do a rant on Facebook about 18 months after we got married, but that was a long time ago. Anyone who has met me in the last 10 years or even a bit more, is probably oblivious.

I DO know that when I have met other women who haven't changed their name, the conversation almost always turns to the batshit things people/family/colleagues have said to us. My personal favourite being the (male) colleague who asked if I thought that perhaps I was being quite disrespectful to my husband!!!

I also know that I have overheard comments in passing regularly and/or intercepted the eye rolls when I ask to be known by my name, and not DH's name, or am present when a woman asks for the same thing.

@Cosyblankets I had exactly two people be awkward about it, it was swiftly dealt with and has never come up again.

Other than that, I agree, nobody has shown any signs of caring what I call myself. In real life, it’s not the massive ‘thing’ it always seems to be on MN.

I wouldn't be so sure.

I've had loads of issues with people trying to change my name for me but it doesn't often come up in conversation other than on here.

Where I work the common refrain is "For God's sakes don't change your name. Do you have ANY idea how many systems and locations use your name?!"

1 1/2 years later (went back to my birth surname after separation) I still come across something in the system that isn't correct.

I agree that "Maiden name" is a horrible term.

(Don't even get me started on Cricket where a Maiden Over is one where the batter "doesn't score"!)

Sending things in their maiden names won't work because they think you're wrong and this won't persuade them. Also, how often do you send them post that this would have an impact?

Honestly, I just tell them very bluntly one more time, and then I would ignore it. You can't change it, because they clearly can't be reasoned with. I would just accept that some people are very rude, and there's not much to be done about them. But for those people, their rudeness is their problem, and I wouldn't make it mine to try and resolve when they are clearly being irrational.

The NHS does! Led to my son getting an appointment letter addressed to "Master Baby andthecity" when we were still on the postnatal ward!

Return to sender everything that doesn’t have your actual name. If they ask whether you got it, just say no, you returned to sender as it didn’t have your name on it.

I really wouldn't get exercised about this. My own parents (probably just mum) were similar 30 years ago. Sent me letters addressed to me in my husband's name which I have never used. My in laws were fine with me not changing my name. Just let it go. I am amazed that people still find it odd for a woman to keep her own name 30 years down the road.

the majority of my friends didn't change their names (again, 30 years ago mostly). I would love to meet someone who never met a married woman who didn't take her husband's name. would be like meeting a unicorn for me :)

It absolutely doesn't and shouldn't matter in this day and age. But I want to know what is in my post, so I would open it (rolling my eyes probably) and TBF it would have very little impact on me in the scheme of things. If you are the only person who is going to be negatively effected by sending post back then it seems a bit daft (to me) especially when it is just something written on the outside of your mail (unless there is a security issue). This particular neighbour kept holding up a legal issue which impacted a handful of people including herself. She would get very irate at the length of time everything was taking! The company doing it were total idiots to continue to incorrectly send her post (and have to resend it).

This happens to me too. All the time. It drives me mad. I don’t mind so much at Christmas if cards are addressed to Mr & Mrs (husbands surname) but my birthday annoys me - MRS (husbands surname) no such person exists… drives me nuts. But I don’t mention it…

Exactly. Why is it such a problem? I couldn't care less about something so trivial.

You must be quite hard of thinking.

If it was a mistake I wouldn't really care but it bothers me that it's intentional and they're trying to force their views on me.

I didnt change my name on marriage. DM never got her head round it. She insisted on using DH's surname. I was once asked if it was legal!

I did eventually change my surname nearly 20 years later but for no better reason than I felt like it. By the time I got round to it I found it mattered less than I thought it would.

I'm also wondering this. When I got married just over 20 years ago I also had this bullshit and also was told at the time that older people need time to get used to these sorts of changes. We'll they've had 20 years, and the people doing this now are not much older than me!

I did take dh’s surname (TBH I preferred it to my own) but my parents (born 1916 and 1918) almost invariably addressed my post to Mrs Fred Bloggs. I didn’t make an issue of it - they were of a different era.

Nowadays I just put Freda Bloggs, or Freda and Fred Bloggs, no titles at all.
A dd who kept her own surname has had no issues, but all the ‘ancient’ generation are now dead. The only person who thought it odd, and said so, was her own (male) cousin, only 3 years her senior.