AIBU to address post using Maiden names?

[Notablippifan]

This is a slightly silly one but over something my family does that annoys me at times.

I've been married to my husband for 7 years and when we got married I told my family that I had decided to keep my maiden name as I felt it was a big part of my identity and I didn't want to change.
Anyway my mum's side of the family are very traditional and I could see from their faces they didn't approve of this. From then onwards they've all been sending me post with my first name and my husband's surname. A few times I've messaged them saying "Thank you for the package but you put the wrong surname so you're lucky it didn't go elsewhere" just to make a point. They have repeatedly ignored this.

Would it be unreasonable to start sending them post using their maiden names just to be annoying? Super petty I know but it would give me a laugh!

My own belief is that these are the wrong questions to be asking. (As is all that balderdash about who really owns a woman's name and it's not the woman, it's her husband's or her dad's. No. it's not).

But that's an aside. In the scheme of things, what one individual does won't really make a whole lot of difference (albeit when I thought no one would remotely care what I call myself, I was in for a rude awakening. Women who don't change IMO come in for more rudeness and pushback than those who do).

What should come under consideration are the systemic conditions under which these decisions were made. That is something which affects us all, and which we can all challenge. The honorific 'Ms', for one thing, is a fairly recent development.

What other people call themselves is none of my biz, but being informed my name is 'really' my father's name (but my brother owns his in his own right) does piss me off.

It's my name. I've carried it since birth, and it belongs to me.

💯%

I say birth name too, although I kind of think 'maiden name' is suitably foul terminology bearing in mind what an awful system it stemmed from.

I do too, but sometimes that's not accurate. I know several women who had a name different from their birth name when they married and kept that name. One was someone estranged from her family who just picked a different surname as soon as she was an adult and went to court and changed it. Another is a woman who established a high profile career under her married name, divorced keeping her ex's name, and later married again, not taking new husbands name, but keeping her old married name.

I just use family name as a rule.

My parents used to do this - i never found a real answer as they just did not understand. They were often genuinely baffled to find that no one else used my husband's name for me. My mum was convinced that the married name was the real name and that whilst you might use your own name at work if you were very modern, it could not be done in the family. But if they are not older, I think it's odd for them to be so persistent

I try to say birth name instead of maiden name, although I realise I said maiden name in my previous post.

I have to say, as an older woman myself, all these older women mentioned in some posts who can't get their minds around the notion that a woman might keep her name, did second wave feminism just pass them by completely?

I asked myself that for a few years @theduchessofspork ! 😆 It was one of those things/situations where you don't realise how shitty and toxic it was, until you leave.

Very annoying but if they were truly traditional they'd use your husbands first name too!!
And you'd be Mrs husbands first name or initial and husbands surname and none of your own name at all!
I got married late 90s and received letters addressed like that

They are being petty and don't sink to their level of pettiness.

Yeah, every woman I have ever met, changed her name to her husband's on marriage. I see dozens of women on here, claiming they kept their surname, and every women they know did. But I don't know one in real life. Genuinely.

And I know people from all walks of life. From working class non-professionals who are not massively educated and have just school qualifications, to highly educated middle class professionals. (And some upper class folk too.)

From vicars, doctors, consultants, dentists, bankers, CEOs, police, and rich land owners with very large houses/mansions, to shelf stackers, nannies, hairdressers, receptionists, actors, and musicians. Women from all walks of life. And many age groups. ALL took their husband's name when they got married.

Despite the many posts from some posters on threads like this, IME very, very few women keep their old surname when they get married. Even the most ardent feminists take their husband's surname.

Definitely. Most of my friends changed to their husband's name. I only know a couple of other people who didn't change their name.

Interesting use of the word 'claiming' there. Do you not believe us Lucy Stoners, or was that just a turn of phrase?

My IRL experience is that in my professional circles barely anyone changed, even across multiple generations, but outside of that most did. I think there are wildly varying habits in different groups in society, not least because in many cultures and traditions it's not practiced, so it doesn't actually surprise me that some people report nearly everyone they know changing/not.

I'm Dr Serafina Pekkela everywhere. In and out of work. If that's viewed by some as pretentious I'm out of shits to give, just as I've run dry on polite requests to address me by my name (and do not use the title Mrs).

Aside from anything else, it's really tedious. Men simply don't have to navigate this BS.

This happened to me for years with in laws. Deliberate and passive aggressive. A couple of years ago I had a meltdown on Facebook and they’ve since stopped! Bloody annoying. They’re entitled to moan about it privately but not to change your name.

@SweetBirdsong Maybe it's a south/north thing, a religious thing, a town/country thing. I'm an older woman who kept her own name in the Seventies, when I was an outlier to keep it for everything - at work and at home. I'd say 20% of my friends kept theirs for work only, 80% changed to their husbands'. Nowadays it seems to be about the same ratio. The fact that you personally don't know any women who have kept their own names doesn't mean you haven't heard of them - Caitlin Moran, Michelle Mone, Vanessa Feltz, Germaine Greer, Claudia Winkelman, Tess Daly, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren etc.

@crosstalk - I find that less surprising when I hear silly protestations such as: 'your husband's name is your legal name!' I'm not all convinced this isn't disingenuous: the women making this claim will have gone through all the hassle of changing their paperwork on marriage, so will be fully aware of the fact that your name is your name unless you actively change it. If you don't, the default position is that your name remains your own.

The phrase my mother might have used for this scenario is 'wilfully obtuse'.

As to cultural norms, these shift. There is no cultural or legal obligation to relinquish your own identity on marriage. I wouldn't know whether most of my acquaintences had adopted their husbands' names unless I asked them, but in relation to the women I've known before and after marriage, the majority have retained their own names. In academia this is pretty usual.

Did you mean to tag me?

I was just replying to your reply to another post asking about who's surname the kids get if you keep your own name upon marriage. It comes up on every thread about changing/not changing names so I was just adding to your reply.

Sorry if that wasn't immediately clear 😊

Oo yes sorry forgot that group.
No one can possibly have another opinion

This comes up over and over again.

In Scotland, it was rare for even ordinary women to change their names on marriage. I have literally just spent this afternoon looking at 17th - 19th century manuscripts listing baptisms and marriages. For marriages, they all show this sort of format: 'John Brown was married to Mary Jones' (with place and date and witnesses) . For baptisms, they say something like: 'John Brown the son of David Brown and Mary Jones was baptised' and often add the name of the place where the baby's parents were living. If the baby was born out of wedlock, they say so. But that doesn't affect the names by which men or women were known. If the woman had property in her own right or an influential family name, this was emphasised rather then hidden, and husband might very well take the family name of an heiress wife, or double-barrel his name with hers. This applied eslewhere in the British Isles also.

Even today, many Scottish official documents - eg those filled in to record a marriage - requre the family name of the bride's mother, as well as the family name of the bride's father. So, for a long time, have Scottish death records.

It really should not be a problem. I have my family name, my husband has his. Simple and equal. (not maiden name , ffs. My family name records my ancestors; my husband's family name records his.)

They are being very impolite. You can call yourself what you like. And some cultures do not change names on marriage.

Where do you live?!

Not to worry! 😊

And, yes. I’m still waiting for the ‘and what about when your kids get married?!’ that a certain element likes to spring. Like it’s a truly novel question that nobody has ever thought of before. 🤣