AIBU to address post using Maiden names?

[Notablippifan]

This is a slightly silly one but over something my family does that annoys me at times.

I've been married to my husband for 7 years and when we got married I told my family that I had decided to keep my maiden name as I felt it was a big part of my identity and I didn't want to change.
Anyway my mum's side of the family are very traditional and I could see from their faces they didn't approve of this. From then onwards they've all been sending me post with my first name and my husband's surname. A few times I've messaged them saying "Thank you for the package but you put the wrong surname so you're lucky it didn't go elsewhere" just to make a point. They have repeatedly ignored this.

Would it be unreasonable to start sending them post using their maiden names just to be annoying? Super petty I know but it would give me a laugh!

Well done on getting her off your back. She sounds like a stalker rather than a friend!

My son has my husband's surname. It would have been too long double barrelled.

That probably makes no sense to the younger members of MN - does anyone still use 'Master' for small boys?
I do! Addressed a birthday parcel to my 10 year old nephew last week as Mstr. X. Y. Surname.

DS is 7 and has his own National Trust membership as Master Junior Dappled

YANBU. We double barrelled our surnames when we married. Everyone knew this from our wedding but some members of DH’s family used to send cards addressed to Mr & Mrs DH surname, leaving mine out. It only stopped after we sent a card with half their surname on it.

This is the funniest post on this thread! Are you genuinely suggesting that someone should open up a bank account in a name that isn't theirs (not sure you can even do that without the correct ID), rather than someone just getting a name correct?

I'm half Spanish so didn't change my name (we have our own mad naming tradition!!) and my in-laws family still make mistakes. With cards etc I tend not to say anything but I have had a few parcels return to sender as I didn't have ID with Mrs DH surname to collect from the post office. I did explain that they'd used the wrong name. The issue continues!

interesting that so many people are talking aot "maiden" or "married" names. It's just MY name....

I would write to/phone them all individually (probably phone since people are never as ballsy in person), and explain to them that it's important to you that you are addressed correctly and you would really appreciate them doing so. If that doesn't work, absolutely go ahead with addressing them incorrectly!

At the risk of sounding regressive, couldn't you send DH round to stop this? If you present a united front it may make a difference. Perhaps you both could say that he will be taking your name and watch the fuss that causes.

Of course, they should listen to you but some people need a sledgehammer.

I'm so lazy. Pre marriage I write Mary Nazareth, post marriage I write Mary and Joseph and post Jesus I write the Nazereth family - going by Jesus's surname. Majority rule etc. I only send post at Christmas though (can you guess) and at this point I get so little post I don't care how it's addressed. I find most people get it right though. I think the majority of my friends have changed their names so I'm the outlier.

Like a man, the name a woman is given when she’s born is simply her name, without qualification or caveat. It doesn’t matter if she got it from her mum, dad or a raffle draw. Tis hers. If she chooses to change it later to a new name, that’s fine, as well, but she prior to that it isn’t something transient she has on loan.

Hear, hear!

I kept my name when I married 40 years ago. Happily for me, OP, I did not have the issues you have. I could tell my MIL was not too keen on my choice, but she never said anything to me, and she always used my correct surname.

If I were you, I would just keep correcting people, and as others have suggested go so far as to ask them not to send anything to you if they can't use your name.

I think the OPs problem is that she isn't being allowed to have just her name...

It's very easy to open a bank account in a married name. Just provide proof of I'd such as your birth certificate and proof of your married name eg your marriage certificate.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to use your maiden name, however saying ‘it’s lucky it got to us’ is silly as it would still get delivered to the same address. That just makes you sound ridiculous

But why the F should she? Honestly, this is the most bizarre thing I've ever read. A MUCH better idea is just that the people sending cheques get her name right. It's not rocket science.

I'd worry it wasn't a sensible idea to open up a bank account in a name that isn't actually mine and that I have no intention of using.

@Chocoholics1234 , I thought it was the name you signed your marriage certificate needed to be your new name to register the name change.

If I married Mr Lucky, but signed the register as Kirsten Blest, it wouldn't be a record of me as being Kirsten Lucky.

Not tried opening a new account in a husband's surname that's not my own.

I had an issue recently with the bank rejecting a payment that was not my actual name. I think it was due to a typo/misspelling.

I kept my last name and DS has both of our names, double barrelled.

I'd address it with them more directly.

"Mum, I've been married for seven years now and you continue to send me things addressed to Mrs Husbandsname even though you know perfectly well that I did not change my name on marriage. This is really disrespectful. How would you like it if I insisted on addressing you by your maiden name because I disapproved of your decision to adopt your husband's name on marriage? I think you would feel that I was deliberately disregarding the choice that you had made to change your name because I personally felt it was the wrong choice. So why are you doing the same thing to me?"

And let her answer.

Rinse and repeat with everyone else who is doing this.

It's probably easier for people just to get the name right, after they've been corrected.
I'm not opening up a bank account in a name that isn't mine. I don't have a married name. My name on passport/driver's licence etc is Ms My name. I don't use Mrs DH name ever. It would be very stupid to think that opening up an account in a different name, that I never use is a better solution than someone being politely corrected and told "actually my name is Ms My name, not Mrs DH name".

I think that's the most petty thing ever .

This always comes up on this type of thread...

My name is already double barrelled to reflect my dual heritage.
My kids have one half of my surname and my DH name as a double barrelled eg Garcia-Smith.

No, she isn't. The most basic courtesy to which a person is entitled is to be addressed by their actual family name. To do otherwise is to invalidate that person and is the height of ill manners, particularly when they've been repeatedly asked not to.

It matters. Women are not adjuncts to men, but it's amazing how many people take even someone's personal preference of identity as some kind of personal affront, and will instantly try to put them back in their box.

My MiL is the same - repeatedly addressed me as Mrs Hisname despite repeatedly being asked to desist. I would frankly rather not be addressed at all.

The only way YABU, OP, is to use that horrible, antiquated term 'maiden' name. A name is not an indication of anyone's sexual status.

Thank you! I was a bit taken aback at being called weird but decided to ignore.
I agree "maiden" name does sound antiquated. Is there an alternative word for it that people already use?

I just say birth name instead of maiden name.