AIBU to address post using Maiden names?

[Notablippifan]

This is a slightly silly one but over something my family does that annoys me at times.

I've been married to my husband for 7 years and when we got married I told my family that I had decided to keep my maiden name as I felt it was a big part of my identity and I didn't want to change.
Anyway my mum's side of the family are very traditional and I could see from their faces they didn't approve of this. From then onwards they've all been sending me post with my first name and my husband's surname. A few times I've messaged them saying "Thank you for the package but you put the wrong surname so you're lucky it didn't go elsewhere" just to make a point. They have repeatedly ignored this.

Would it be unreasonable to start sending them post using their maiden names just to be annoying? Super petty I know but it would give me a laugh!

I love the idea of the made up names. That would be hilarious. I think they would probably find it funny too actually! Despite what this post suggests we do generally get along well.

Have had 30 years of this and, frankly, it's not worth the headspace.

Letters and cards come addressed to this fictional person and we all have a laugh about it. Only ocasionally - like in the olden days when people used to send me a cheque for the kids' Christmas presents - it has been a practical problem. But even then, I would get in touch with the old "aunty" who had sent it, tell her that I couldn't pay it in as the name was wrong, she would send a corrected cheque to the name she had always known me as, then the following birthday/Christmas/whenever it would happen again.

It's certainly disrespectful, but often from an older generation who knew you as a child. I can't be arsed with correcting any more. I know who I am.

This^
you need external factor e.g a parcel wasn’t delivered to you and was sent back because of the wrong name.

"Thank you for the package but you put the wrong surname so you're lucky it didn't go elsewhere"

I think this was maybe not that constructive.
There was never any risk of it going astray. Framing it this way was a bit PA, and not inclined to convince them to take you seriously.

Maybe try it adult to adult. Thank you for the card, for the record my name is still Alice Aardvark. Repeat, repeat.

Genuinely I think it can be difficult to remember who has changed their name and who hasn't. It's easy with friends, but not so much with far flung cousins and aunts. But that is not to say some people aren't also arses about it.

Defo RTS - not known at this address

I don't think your being petty. So annoying and frustrating. Its also very disrespectful if they know full well you did not change your name. I wouldn't put up with it!

Good luck!

Honestly I just ignore
Particularly if my husbands name is included as well ie
John and Mary Smith versus John smith and Mary Murphy.

Some people are just a bit old school.

No, I really can’t. How would I know what surname my friends use for bank accounts, formal stuff, jobs etc? I know them as Claire, Amanda, Sarah, whatever. I know their maiden names and their married names, but why would I have cause to know which surname they use, unless we’d done some shared admin together (like booking a holiday)?

Some people keep their maiden name at first and then decide to change at a later date. Some keep their maiden name professionally (eg doctors) but use their married name for school/family stuff. I only really use my friends’ surnames for Christmas and birthday cards, and the majority of the time I have no idea which surname they want on the envelope. Sometimes I ask, but then I forget the answer, because frankly I have more important things to think about!

Agree with this. I had someone quiz me over my wedding dinner about what my professional regulatory body would think if I didn't change my name as if I'd be breaking some rule or legal requirement. As it happens, the majority of women in my office have kept their maiden name for professional purposes so it would be more unusual to change it.

I'm not sure why anyone cares what you call yourself given it doesn't affect them in any way but it seems to be a big deal. I've had birthday cards handed to me with DH's surname on (no need for any surname if you're seeing me in person) and cards in the post with no surname at all. Thought about raising it but I feel like the people who do this are trying to make a point and I'd rather they thought I didn't notice/couldn't care what they think.

I hear you, this drove me mad for years, how hard is it?

"I know very well what your name is but you'll answer to what I think you should be called".

Some people have got a really big and real problem with women with a mind of their own and it makes them very uncomfortable. When I got divorced they remembered the name that they gave me all those years ago and started addressing me as that again. Which was nice.

Yes, but once you are TOLD what their name is, it really isn't hard to remember. Just like you get told what their surname is when you first meet them, and then you remember (or write it down). I don't blame you for not being sure after marriage which route they have gone down, but it's a 3 second conversation, you make a note and viola, you can remember.

it's the whole, "Oh I can't keep it straight in my head" bollocks I can't stand. You can remember everyone else's name no problem, but a married woman's is too difficult? I call BS.

Virtually no woman I know of my generation (I’m 51) changed her name on marriage. Certainly none of my actual friends have. I do have one male colleague who double-barrelled his surname with his wife’s on marriage. All children have both parents’ surnames.

My MIL was horrified when I said I was keeping my name but she got the hang of it.
We double barrelled the DC names and she was less keen that my name was last ( it flowed better, we had no preference)
But she got the hang of it.

Well done OP. I hate name changes for women.

I’d probably overlook it if it was coming from much older family members, but I wouldn’t take that nonsense from cousins. Not a chance.

I have never changed my name. My email, my Facebook, my WhatsApp status etc ALL use my full name. If I sign into event, I use my name. There is literally not a single instance of my name attached to DH's name anywhere.

Imagine my surprise when the PTA put me down as Ginger DHSurname on a programme of events once. They were all like, "oh, we just assumed as you're married you had the same name as the DC" and when I asked whether my attendance at PTA events under my name, the emails I'd sent confirming I'd be taking part in x, y, z were in my name ever occurred to them... they said no.

Because for some reason, the moment a woman gets married, her original name becomes impossible to remember or even see.

I disagree strongly with the comments to ignore.

Getting a name right is basic. Refusing to is disrespectful.

Those same people will get the names of people from other ethnicities wrong and say "it's too hard" but still call Shiobhan and Joaquin the right name.

I would start using their name wrong in messages and to their face Aunty Sue/Sarah/Sally oh sorry it's too hard for me.

It erases your identity and irks that others feet it's not important.

When visiting a family member and hot drinks were offered, I would always say yes please (love a tea) and was asked how I take it. I like milk, two sugars. My tea would always be brought to me with barely any milk and no sugar. I’d say oh there is no sugar in here, the answer ‘oh we don’t do sugar in tea at this house’ she had sugar to put in the tea but because she didn’t have sugar then I shouldn’t have either. Really rude in my opinion.

Anyway, I was sick of having to go back into the kitchen to sugar my tea and return to her judgemental face so when she visited our house I began giving her plenty of milk and two sugars in her tea. Oh there’s sugar in here, ‘ah yes, in our house we have sugar in our tea’. She soon stopped and gave me my tea how I like it. Don’t offer me a drink, ask how I like it and then refuse to make it that way. If it offends that much then tell me and I’ll make my bloody own!

Sorry, complete tangent there but I totally get the annoyance and understand you wanting to call them the wrong name in retaliation.

After I told my in-laws that I was keeping my name and not changing it I would get cards addressed to Nancy and then my address. They just refused to use my surname but knew better than to put my husband's. When it came to Christmas cards and so on they just used both first names on the envelope and avoided the whole surname thing altogether. They're dead now.

Ominous last line! Were their deaths connected to their refusal to use your full name or...?

I couldn't care less what people call me. I know what my name is. You are being more petty than they are.

Sure their view is odd bit do you think instead of it being ignored to use your word it might not have registered with then, you might be very invested in your name enough to start this thread and want to do a passover aggressive 'I'll show you' but maybe your name doesn't register with them?

Yes their view is strange, but would your name be that important to them?

@TheMurderousGoose sshhhh!

You genuinely wouldn't mind if one of your family members started calling you Dave? Or Patricia? (Assuming neither of those are your names).

If a member of my family called me by a name that wasn't mine, I don't think I would like it, so I would correct them.

One of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

Identification of a WOMAN'S (not a man's) marital status seems very Jane Austen to me. In 2023 why should that even matter. Miss, Mr, Mrs, Ms - get rid of them all.

She’s asked them to stop and they ignored her. So, important enough for them to go against her repeatedly expressed desires. Why wouldn’t ‘you’ve called me X, my name is Y’ register?