AIBU to address post using Maiden names?

[Notablippifan]

This is a slightly silly one but over something my family does that annoys me at times.

I've been married to my husband for 7 years and when we got married I told my family that I had decided to keep my maiden name as I felt it was a big part of my identity and I didn't want to change.
Anyway my mum's side of the family are very traditional and I could see from their faces they didn't approve of this. From then onwards they've all been sending me post with my first name and my husband's surname. A few times I've messaged them saying "Thank you for the package but you put the wrong surname so you're lucky it didn't go elsewhere" just to make a point. They have repeatedly ignored this.

Would it be unreasonable to start sending them post using their maiden names just to be annoying? Super petty I know but it would give me a laugh!

This actually happened to us too with my sister in law calling my son a different name but that's a whole other story 😂

“Thank you for the package but you put the wrong surname so you're lucky it didn't go elsewhere"

You thought that was direct?! Honestly not sure how to respond to that. 🤣

It's interesting that a few posters have commented how it won't affect where the mail ends up. Of course, this is true in the UK, but might not be if OP is outside of the UK. Where my parents live both the address and the name need to be correct or the post will not be delivered. Every house has a post box outside with the inhabitants full names.

I didn't change my name either and while two of our children have his name, the youngest has mine (double barrelled sounded rubbish). It confuses the hell out of people and a few have been a bit snooty about it and sent things to Mrs Husbandsname or (always misogynistic men) commented how they'd never 'allow' it. If they want to be silly and backwards about a name leave them to it.

you put the wrong surname

How much more direct can you be 🤣🤣

I ignored my parents doing this but then my dad sent me a cheque with some inheritance from a relative (he was executor) and not only did he give me my husband's surname but he spelt it wrong

So I think it's right to push back before there are practical hassles

I'm the same age as you and everyone I know of my generation has changed it. Many of those friends have daughters who have done the same.
These threads come up all the time and the answers are made up from posters who...

1. Say it's up to the individual.
2. Can't possibly understand why a woman would change and are offended at any suggestion of change.

You can either ignore it or send the post back to them with not at this address on it and when they question it say well that’s not my name is it but honestly I don’t know if I could take the time out of my day for this.

And:
3.Can't possibly understand why a woman wouldn’t change and are offended at any suggestion of anyone not changing.

Can't forget about them.

I have a friend who addresses cards to Mr & Mrs David Roberts not Dr Sarah Snodgrass & Mrs David Roberts, and to Sarah as Mrs Sarah Roberts.
She knows that Sarah minds.

** not the actual names

A woman I used to know called me another name by mistake for years. I never corrected her.

Such a people pleaser that you will accept being called the wrong name. Jesus. That's not something to boast about.

You ever asked her why?

Also, as we’re on the subject, are we (as a society) going to stop calling women’s last names their ‘maiden names’, at some point? It’s so very antiquated.

I probably would tbh @Notablippifan It shows such disrespect towards you!

I used to know a woman (from school I will call her Julie) who was always trying to outdo me with everything at school, and used to copy me. Even when we left, she copied my hair style and colour, and bought the same outfits, and the same handbag etc etc. She had a boyfriend at 18-19 who became a long term one, but even 5-6 years later, there was no wedding on the horizon, even though many of her friends, acquaintances, and colleagues etc got married to men they had known for less time.

Then when we were in our mid 20s, I got married, and she went bonkers. 'What the fuck?!' she said 'how are YOU getting married before ME?!' She was actually angry! And even more fuming when I became pregnant. She was still with the same man after 10 years and he dumped her for someone else a few days after their '10 years together anniversary.'

Long story short, whenever she wrote to me/sent a birthday card/Christmas card etc, she always put my maiden name on it - even 6-7+ years after I got married. She also sent Christmas cards excluding my daughter. And when I bumped into her when out with my daughter, she flat out ignored her like she wasn't there. I said once or twice 'aren't you gonna say hello to Hannah Julie?' and then said 'say hello to Julie Hannah' to my daughter. Hannah said 'Hello' and this so called friend Julie ignored her as if she wasn't there. I was gobsmacked. She did it several times.

tl;dr I moved house shortly after the last time she did it, and never gave her my forwarding address, and blocked her on social media, after my daughter said 'mommy, why did your friend ignore me?' She was only 7 and it broke my heart that this so called 'friend' did this. The last time I had any contact with 'Miss Julie Smith,' I sent a Christmas card addressed to Mrs Judy Smythington-Fart. Petty? Moi?!

I was glad to get her out of my life tbh. She kept asking after me around people who knew us both, and I kept getting people asking me where I have moved to - as Julie has been asking. I just said a town 20 miles south of where I moved. I had actually moved 25-30 miles north. I have had no contact for over a decade. Bliss..........

p.s. I did tell ask her why she kept addressing me to my maiden name, and she kept saying 'I forget your new name!' Bullshit. She just hated that I was married and she wasn't!)

I was just thinking the same. The words 'maiden name' are so cringey to me.

When I got married 30 years ago I knew no-one who kept their own name. If people call me MrsDH I don't comment, just as DH answers to Mr Pippim.
I think it's pointless getting wound up about it and I answer to anything.

@LusaBatoosa agree about the word "maiden" name. Although it could be argued it's my father's name. However it's been my name for over 60 years.

Your DH’s name is presumably his father’s name, as well. Yet, nobody feels the need to call it that, it’s just his name. I think women should be extended the same courtesy.

Like a man, the name a woman is given when she’s born is simply her name, without qualification or caveat. It doesn’t matter if she got it from her mum, dad or a raffle draw. Tis hers. If she chooses to change it later to a new name, that’s fine, as well, but she prior to that it isn’t something transient she has on loan.

@LusaBatoosa , I don't need to.
Apparently, the PhD is nothing compared to marriage in terms of achievement, and keeping one's name is an affectation. OK to be Dr Sarah Snodgrass at work but not otherwise.

Either ignore it or ring / email and ask them to call them by your name, pointing out its rude not to. No point having an elaborate war about it.

Why were you bothering to maintain contact with this moron though?

That’s quite niche though - my friends are much the same, but most women do change their names.

Oh, dear! 🤣

Who's sir name would your children get?

Not the OP, but also kept my last name. We double barrelled for DC.

Love the idea of doing funny spellings every time like they used to do onFawlty Towers sign in the intro. Payback time!

Exactly. I use an address book anyway, so there's a record in there of who everyone is.

Going on the offensive worked for me once, when a guy wrote to me as 'Miss' instead of the 'Ms' I'd opted for (this was decades ago, when 'Ms' was invented). I only had to write to him once as 'Master [his surname]' as though he was a little boy, for him to use 'Ms' for me ever after. That probably makes no sense to the younger members of MN - does anyone still use 'Master' for small boys?