To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

I would ask the school about bursaries, and also let dss get the train. I had a similarly long commute to school and it was fine - I'd do my homework enroute or read and there were other students commuting who I was friends with. At least that way your partner would recover some of his own time.

If dss doesn't want to, he can choose to transfer to the local school.

My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

It sounds like his home life wasn’t the best and perhaps mum has a lot of issues.
Having to deal with that and then moving out of his home, is a lot to deal with for a young person.
Moving schools as well could be too much for him.

If this was simply a case of moving schools, then I would say do it asap as this would be the best time to do it but because of all of the changes he’s already had to deal with, then I think he’s going to struggle.

Year 8/9 are challenging years in schools for students because of behaviour.
Everyone is new in year 7 and so it’s easier to slip in. In year 10/11 they have mostly matured.
But behaviour gets worse in year 8/9 and with all of the other things he’s got going on, I feel he could easily end up being a difficult teenager.

Of course if it is not possible to keep him in that school then it can’t be helped but I’d do whatever I could to try and lessen the amount of change this poor boy is having to go through.

There are lots of bursaries available and he’s probably be a perfect candidate for it.

But life isn't fair and equal for these two DCs.

One is the product of a broken home and can no longer live with his DM for what must be fairly serious reasons.

The other younger DC lives with both parents and has a DM who is properly prioritising him.

It would have been much better if DSS had not attended the private school in the first place, but to take him out now on the basis it's not fair ( appreciate there are other factors) would be incredibly cruel.

Speak to the school see if there is anyone local that could provide a lift and you could contribute towards petrol.
Apply for bursaries.

I've not read the whole thread but who is receiving Child Benefit? If DSS is living with you full time then you should be receiving this. Pennies I know but it all helps

What has happened in the child mother relationship that he can no longer live there? That's a key piece of the puzzle surely

You're only looking at it from the perspective of the second child who incidentally has two parents together supporting them you appear to be completely blinkered to how unfair the first child's life already is

Get dc a termly railcard. 90 mins each way is quite normal for a private school commute. They can use this to see their pals at the weekend too.

But the bigger picture is what has happening between dc & their mum that they can't/don't stay there anymore? This relationship needs restoring. Do they have contact? Can't this be during the week to save one long journey? Is it an issue with her boyfriend? If dc has been traumatised the school/GP need to be informed to provide support.

What has happened in the child mother relationship that he can no longer live there? That's a key piece of the puzzle surely

That's just being nosey, we don’t need to know that at all.

Moving house is a ridiculous solution FFS.

Your SDC either changes schools or moves back to his mum. They are the only two options.

Definitely talk to the school about bursaries, private schools all have funds for this but don’t necessarily advertise that widely.

For the journey, could he cycle? Or are there any other school families nearby that you could carpool with? The school might be able to help you with that too. They should be keen on promoting sustainable travel so they might have an app like school run for parents to connect and share journeys. It’s a crap situation for you to manage, and things clearly can’t continue as they are for 4 years, but taking him out would be really tough at this age so I would explore every option before making that decision.

It is important, as this whole situation may become just about tenable if DSS could stay over one or two nights a week.

Your DP wants him to stay at the private school for the next 4 years. I assume the mother wants this too. So end of story.

People mentioning dad now claiming child benefit....I’m presuming that for him to have been paying half of private school fees in maintenance, that’s got to be £650 per month, maybe more. That must mean he earns a lot more than the £60000 cut off for child benefit.

Our relative that pays £700 a month in maintenance earns around £100000.

It is important, as this whole situation may become just about tenable if DSS could stay over one or two nights a week.

You still wouldn’t need to know the reason, just that he could.

On a practical and economic level it sounds ridiculous- I agree with you

Was DSS at state school for primary?
If yes, he knows the set up.
What’s DSS’s character like?
is he an easy chatty soul or is he quiet, withdrawn, not confident.

If it’s the former, a school move may not harm.

If it’s the latter, then I’d say you have to keep him there.

Ptivate school is very necessary for some kids. Others will thrive anywhere.

To strengthen your argument I’d look at schools close by and find out their results at gcse and a level.

It’s not good arguing for a school locally if they’re all rubbish. Your DH won’t go for it.

If however there’s a very good local school available and your DSS is and easy going chatty lad that picks up friends wherever he goes then it could work.

It’s not a black and white decision though.

Id not agree to drive anymore but I’d also accept DH’s decision to keep him there. It will only drive a wedge between you. Let DH come to realisation himself. To reduce costs down and time away I’d suggest that DSS can have social life every other weekend because you all need a break and a rest. He still gets to see his mates but not every weekend.

Id also suggest one or two evenings a week he takes the train. He can do homework on the train and surf on phone. It’s not great but it takes the pressure off time at least a bit.

Don't be ridiculous. People move school all the time, and you make it sound like comprehensive students are feral.

Does the school not have its own buses and routes? All the private schools here do.

When we looked at private school for DD - driving her would have taken an hour, but the school bus was a 20 minute drive from our to the bus stop and helpfully it was on my way to work.

So there may not be a bus from your house - but you might be able to find one that’s within a reasonable driving distance.

DD got the bus alone from 11 so it’s probably doable.

I also moved from a 30 minute walk to a 1 hour 15 minute journey on 2 buses to school when I was 15. It was fine and plenty of other students had a similar commute time.

It doesn’t solve the financial side though.

@ShouldGoToBed they Will not get a bursary as they can afford the fees.
The time for dropping off/collecting seems fair enough- many people have that kind of journey, though I know it can be tiresome. Any chance of car pooling with another parent? Even if it means driving part way to drop off at their house?
When my husband divorced the ex wife maintenance was one thing, and child maintenance was separate. His ex never had to pay fees as their kids were already at private school so part of the financial arrangement was that he continued to pay. One of the kids was resident with us.
It seems your husband and his ex have agreed to split the cost - and he is saying he wants the child to stay at the school so that's the end of the argument really. Maybe if she now has a live in partner his maintenance to her can change.

Yeah, younger DC has a mother who prioritises him, but a father who doesn't! 🙄

To take SS out of school he's only been a year in and is becoming untenable (financially and time - wise) for the whole family IS NOT CRUEL, it's just part of life.

What's cruel is the father making a unilateral decision to keep him there, despite the whole family barely making ends meet. What kind of responsible father/husband does this? He has a duty to his other child and wife too, not just his older son. I am surprised he is able to keep his job, with the 3 hours daily commute he has to do, let alone anything else, such as spending time with his other child, sharing house tasks like cleaning and cooking, etc.

What are the circumstances that mean she can't live with mum any longer? Is her mum ill? Is it expected to be permanent? Why?

I think it all comes down to SC mental stability. If they don't care and would prefer changing school, then of course they should.

If mum has cancer, battling it and hoping to survive and go back to normal life, even if it is terminal, of course they shouldn't move school.

It really comes down to circumstances.

Your DH seems to be determined to make it work, and you must respect that.

Unless you are the breadwinner right now, I think he has the right to determine how he finances his child, particularly as it does appear that his ex is co-funding the private school fees. If something so serious has happened that means it is impossible for the child to live with their mother (is it to do with the boyfriend?) then the child has had a significant upheaval, which their father is rightly trying to minimise as much as humanly possible.

Does your job mean that you must be immediately adjacent to where you live right now? Does your husband's? If either of you works from home a few days a week, that makes that commute less of a burden than the child's to their current school, and my inclination would be to move to that area for the next four years.

I understand that as this child is not yours, but your husband's, you might feel less like moving heaven and earth than he might, but moving house probably IS an option unless you are in serious negative equity, and would lessen the administrative burden on all of you, while minimising the distress for your already presumably quite disrupted stepchild.

If the child no longer lives with the parent receiving maintenance there will be zero fight at all for child maintenance. Court will simply stop it on request
The fight might come getting maintenance from the mother but not from stopping child maintenance

What year is he in?