To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

@Muddybooties home free once they start uni; have you had a child at uni?!!! As his father earns enough to be splurging at least £750 a month on private school; they will not be home free.

at the end of the day; they are either a FAMILY UNIT or they are not. As a family unit, the needs of one do not supersede the needs of all. They can’t afford it and that’s that. He has to move. I would get that done at the earliest opportunity to get him settled before year 9.

and at the end of the day-his core stability in his life should be coming from his family unit not a school 🤷‍♀️

@Backagain23

If your boyfriend has kids from another relationship it’s quite easy to surmise the various scenarios that can play out.

Long long ago I was in a relationship with a man who had a child from before.

We dated, it was hard, he was in emotional turmoil and I was never the no1 focus. The ex was a diabolical nightmare in all respects and had an iron hold on him.

It went back and forth for a while and somewhere along the line met my now DH.

I decided to call it a day on the other man, his DC was very young but started playing me off against the mother and I could never imagine sacrificing or compromising for them, and absolutely did not want to live with them full time or pay for them (both always a possibility).

So I gave DH a chance and I don’t mind not always being the focus of his attention because the kids are my kids too. Compromise, sacrifice and finance are no issue, because they are mine.

Then they should pay and not expect OP to subsidise their choice.

OP, point out to him he wouldn't be able to afford it if he had to pay you maintenance because you grew tired of his selfishness. And left.

And you're not married?

I'd start working towards ensuring your own stability and independence.

How is all this going to carry on working when you go back to work? And you have childcare costs?

You said it yourself, there are various scenarios which can play out here, just as in any part of life. But nobody knows exactly how and when things are going to go down.
I had similar to you with my DH and his ex. I stuck it out, he dealt with the situation and now I'd say we are a pretty good overall example of how to go about this blended lark and make sure everyone in the family is taken care. Relations with ex are very friendly and DSD is well aware of this. But I came very close to walking as the road did not look like one I wanted to walk down, even to be with DH.
I knew there was a chance DSD would come to live with us (which is why I put my own house on the market within weeks of finding out I was pregnant with eldest - didn't have enough space) but I also know that if that happened then it would be as a full member of this family. We would not be prioritising her staying at her current school over everything and everyone else. DH has 3 living children, not just one.
If what I "know" turned out to be wrong and that, actually, DH expected to be able to concentrate his time, money and energy on DSD (for years and not just in the initial aftermath of the move, which would be quite understanable) and expect me to facilitate it by picking up the slack with our children, then he "knows" he would have to start thinking about how he's going to handle sorting out another lot of maintenance/custody.
What I know is I didn't sign up for my kids to be second best. DH knows this too.
It's the details that are unknown.

What is your local state school like? It could be that there is not a huge difference and your SS won’t suffer for the change. Maybe suggest booking a tour to get more information you may be surprised with the response you get.

at the end of the day if you can’t afford it it will have to go.

Lots of children change school in yr8, my dd did, and was fine. But that was between two state schools. Private to state school is completely different. I know, I've worked in both.
I'd keep the child in private school, because an unhappy teen is an unhappy family.

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

As I advised OP, if they have the DC down as living with the mother he will likely get full maintenance grant.

Even if he doesn’t he can apply for the tuition fee and maintenance loans, and stay at home going to a local Uni to compensate for the lost maintenance grant and save on rent.

No more school fees. And able to work part or full time during the year to contribute to own costs, on top of the maintenance loan.

No I haven’t put kids through Uni yet, but whenever I was there I was an independent student and had equivalent to a teacher’s salary in income overall.

Once the school fees are paid, the SC can take on paying for his Uni fees himself. And self fund most of his living costs.

Now MNers, I ask you this, in what household have you ever heard of one parent abdicating responsibility for transporting one of the DC completely placing all responsibility on the other parent…. Answer none.

Plenty! Some parents don’t even drive. Hard to believe, I know!

@Muddybooties

My take on it is that prioritisation of hobbies over children’s needs, especially when the child is vulnerable and traumatised, is ludicrous.

Sometimes for periods of time you have to put your own wants and needs on the back burner, that is parenting.

The advice I was given by primary care mental health services and by the GP before that was to make time for myself. To find something I could do.

So why is your husband so hell bent to continue paying for Private school?

Also, I can almost guarantee the mum is getting a bursary and your DH is not paying half the fees, he’s paying all of it.
I’d call the school and find out pronto if I were your DH.

One of the main reasons he is not getting time with the baby is OP is refusing to take parental responsibility for the older child despite him living with them full time. If she did some of the heave ho DP would have more time for baby and be less stressed.

She is caring for this child! Regarding the driving, she tried it and found it too stressful what with having a new baby. And what’s the betting she was expected to take the baby with her on the school run!

I doubt the benefit system is so generous as to give claimants a spare £750 per month that she’d need to pay her 50% of school fees.

If the fees can't be afforded & neither can the cost of getting him there it seems pretty obvious that he can't go any more!

Even if ex would pay travel costs it seems that logistically it just doesn't work.

@CecilyP

Oh I know believe me! I was one of them.

But did I sit on my hands, no.

I took the kids by bus, train, walked them.

School runs shared equally.

Note - I said “transporting” not driving.

But they can afford the second child. What they can't afford is the extra money needed because of (if I'm understanding correctly) a change of living circumstances not within the control of OP and her husband.

@CecilyP

Mother’s proportion of fees may be paid by school bursary or scholarship. With father footing the remainder.

Or the child may be disabled and she’s using the DLA to pay for her portion of private school fees. The parents may have decided to use it in this way towards better education. Happens a lot where state school is inadequate and special school inappropriate.

As I advised OP, if they have the DC down as living with the mother he will likely get full maintenance grant.

Are you advising fraud? And what if he wants to go to university in an expensive town hundreds of miles from home?

@CecilyP

…… speechless…

Eeemm what exactly do you think other mothers with two children one of them being a baby and the other school age do??

Do you think they say oh no I couldn’t possibly do the school run with a baby, I am much too precious.

Or do you think they just get on with it?

When I do drop off and pick up there are a lot with babies and toddlers there (with mothers and fathers). And they don’t all live 5 mins walk away.

Where does the OP say she isn’t doing any parenting? She was led to believe that the crazy commute wouldn’t happen before her sc moved in but now it is. She’s helped a bit and doesn’t want to any more. Fair enough, it’s a massive drain on her time with her baby and not what she signed up for.

Well if they’re parents that have been able to make decisions then they’ll have signed up or not to spending 3 hours in their car with their baby. The OP didn’t decide to do that!

My suspicion is a bursary, though a poster upthread working in private education suggested that schools take both parents income into account (possibly varies from school to school).

The OP has made no mention of disability, so
seems unlikely. But if that’s the case, shouldn’t the resident parent be getting the DLA?

i can’t believe you’re ever speechless! But usually mums with babies have older children at a local primary, walking or driving fairly short distances. They are not chauffeuring secondary age children to a school nowhere near where they live.

@CecilyP

No, I am advising that they work towards getting him back to Mum or living independently for 3 hrs before entertaining Uni if there is a massive financial problem.

Which there isn’t because OP said the living costs for SC and fees of £6-12k (whatever they are) are affordable, it’s mainly this additional £400 on transport.

Even if he does lose some finance and wants to go ahead. There are work arounds - staying at home to save on rent, taking a gap year to work and save up money, ensuring you work while at uni.

As for wanting to go to Uni in an expensive town away from home, we all have to make compromises to achieve what we want. It may not be possible and he will have to assess his finances as an adult.

Generally I find the main people who get their knickers in a twist about uni are either a) parents who save nothing towards their children’s future
b) parents who expect to pay nothing towards their children once they are 18
c) parents where their children unreasonably expect them to pay all uni fees and accommodation with them accruing no debt or where the parents place the burden of fees/accomodation on themselves in entirety.

Often you find a combination of all three, unprepared, unreasonable parents and unreasonable offspring.

All the parents should be doing is topping up the maintenance grant where it is even offered. Differs across the U.K.

https://www.studentbeans.com/blog/uk/how-much-maintenance-loan-should-you-get/#:~:text=The%20average%20student%20loan%20varies,t%20need%20to%20pay%20rent.

OP have you asked your DH how he thinks his son will ever make new friends if he never goes to the local school, and always socialises with friends somewhere he doesn't actually live any more?
For your DSC's sake he needs to go to a local school. Then he can build a friendship circle where he lives now.