To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

OP is a parent and stepparent. I think posters are pointing out it comes with the territory. Strange that this would be equated with sainthood tbh. Doing things that are inconvenient, difficult or stressful because you've made a life commitment to being a family and that's what it takes, is not asking someone to be perfect. We all struggle with things at times, but I do wonder whether OP is looking for help and possible solutions, or validation for pushing them down a path that isn't right for the stepchild. The feelings are valid, I don't personally think those actions are unless all other avenues are exhausted.

The baby is fine for now. Babies grow.
Their needs are in opposition as soon as you start talking about prioritising one over the other in such a big way as this.
Example. My DSD has her own room at our house. My two boys share. They are here full time. DSDs needs are priority here because of her gender and age and she just needs and will benefit from her own room more than the boys.
If there was a smaller gap or they were all girls, I expect we would configure the rooms differently as the cost/benefit would be out of balance for her to be prioritised in this way.
In OPs situation, what some posters are saying is that it is fine for the quality of life, financial stability, overall wellbeing of the whole family unit to be a lesser priority than one child not wanting to change school, and they should spend years doing this in spite of the financial situation being very likely to get worse. It's fine for the father to channel his time and money into one child over the long run.
The baby will not be just fine in the long run if this carries on.

However OP has already shown she is prepared to put her life on the back burner.
Shes had a baby, that comes with some sort of sacrifice of one’s own needs and wants.
We therefore know she’s prepared to do it for her own biological child.

The mother is saving money by not having to feed child etc, so stop paying her the maintenance, the mother should be sending money the other way, the only extra cost should be the travel, between the two families they were affording the school before along with the living expenses. Seems to me the mother has more money than OP thinks if she could entertain the idea of private school.

Either you can afford it or you can't. It sounds like you can't, so child has to move schools. Either somewhere very local or somewhere in the middle.

Child will make new friends, and it will save money on all sides, including for the child's mother.

@TooBusyTalking

well yeah because if she doesn’t do it for her biological child, who will?
however in the case of her step son he has two parents to do that for him. Op doesn’t need to do it for him too.

I actually think you are completely reasonable to consider what’s best for you ALL as a family. It sounds very much like everything is revolving around 1 person and something needs to change. I think there’s quite a few wet blankets here saying “poor child, moving in year 8” I actually think… it’s probably the best time to do it if you’re going to do it. It would be worse to do it in a year down the line- they aren’t doing their GCSE’s in year 8 so this year is fair game. Yes it will seem unfair to the child, yes it will be hard for them- but kids are resilient and you have to put your whole family first.

I wouldn’t be able to cope with knowing you can barely fund this private school and that you certainly wouldn’t be considering private school for your other child. I imagine those that have pressed you’re being unreasonable.. are probably bio mums that hate the stepmother figure. Unfortunately.. as a step mother, you’re often not allowed to have a life or think of what’s best for everyone.

I think you’re stuck with it, at least for now. If you pull him out you will be the wicked stepmother who deprived your step child of a private education and pulled him away from his friends. Also, if the boy‘s mother is on a low income but she’s still managing to scrimp and pay half of the school fees, then you’d be villianised by her too for making a decision against her clear wishes.

Her Income can’t have been that low if she had a spare £750 a month for her share of school fees! You don’t save that much just by buying cheaper cuts! It’s quite possible the DC was also on a bursary/ scholarship of some sort. I don’t think she is in a position to villainise anyone as there was no thought of the scenario of the DC living with his dad when this extravagance was planned.

I cannot understand the posters saying the DSS matters more than the rest of the family. He just doesn't. He needs to go back to live with his mother and stay at the same school or change schools. I really don't understand the debate. He's a child the parents will decide what's best.

OP is in no way obligated to pay towards the fees. That's just ridiculous.

As for the suggestion that she makes even more sacrifices for this child I can only presume that's a wind up and goading. Too silly.

And she isn’t. Which is fare enough if she doesn’t want to.

@SouperWoman he only has another 5-6yrs max of having to pay out for older child, after that all the money is the baby’s at the key point it will be needed 6+.

One of the main reasons he is not getting time with the baby is OP is refusing to take parental responsibility for the older child despite him living with them full time. If she did some of the heave ho DP would have more time for baby and be less stressed.

I’m afraid she can’t have it both ways. If she wants to be a girlfriend then she moves out. If she wants to be a partner and stepmother then she does some of the parenting. Even if that isn’t what she thought she was signing up for, it was always a possibility as the DP can’t erase his child from a previous relationship and now he is required to parent full time as his partner, so is she, the SC is part of the package.

But yes it probably is unrealistic to expect someone to put their stepchild on a truly equal footing in most cases, which is why it often doesn't work out
Also, you didn't say "equal", you said the DSC should be "priority".
"Equal" would be both kids going to local school and both enjoying a quality of life that their family unit can afford.
Sending one to private and draining the family coffers to do so not "equal" treatment.

YANBU, he either lives with his mum and stays private or stays with you and goes state. This year is the best year to do it. If you can´t afford it, you can´t afford it.

So far the YANBU wins.

My stepdaughter came to live with us in 2021 full time, also no option for her to ever live with her mum. No option for overnight contact so she is with us full time. If this was the case when she moved in then I would without a doubt insist she be moved to a closer, state school. She should be treated no differently to our other children who wouldn’t be attending private school. Yes she would have to make new friends etc, but that’s life and sometimes things have to change. She would make new friends and settle in just fine. I wouldn’t over think it. It wouldn’t destroy her completely and her life be ruined, I think some people are being a little dramatic. Life happens to people and sometimes there is nothing you can do, I’m sure it would be better for everyone to remain together as a family then be split? I think the same for your stepson. Their dad as you’ve said couldn’t afford his current lifestyle without you so what would be better for your stepson? Move schools or be living with his dad alone with even less money as I imagine he’d have to pay you maintenance on top of what he is already paying, plus his own bills and expenses. If you’re a family you do what is best for everyone as a collective, and what you’re doing is not working for everyone. I hope you can get him to move school soon 🙏

@CecilyP

If she was a low earner she likely got benefits to cover living costs for DC, without DC resident with her the money won’t be there. OP’s partner may not get equivalent money via benefits due to earnings so essentially that income for DC is lost.

The older child is 13
The younger child is a baby.
You can’t be expected to know the future when you make school choices.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Better to move the kid now than when he's started his GCSEs (which would be unreasonable, in my view). It's best if the two kids are treated equally anyway, which means going to similar schools, otherwise that will probably cause resentment later on.

@LuckySantangelo35

We haven’t established from OP if the child has SEN or anything else that would make this school a “need”.

Nor do we know what sort of trauma went down at his Mum’s or what state of health his mother is in.

But, considering the background we do know, I would very much consider stability of education and social connections a “need”.

Regards putting your own needs on the back burner for children for 4 years…. I have done this from my children have been born!!

I would love to go travelling for long stints, I’d love to take on more hobbies, pursue more education, a tonne of other things.

But I decided to become a parent. Which means putting the kids first. I work around seeing my friends or other things where I can.

OP made this decision also, long before she had a biological child.

You know, these types of debates really comes down to the degree of selflessness one is happy with as a parent, and posters project to the debate their own views on selflessness. And sometimes to justify their own choices in life. If everyone is in the same degree of selfish, they are not. Selflessness (or there lackof) is a range. Some are at the extreme ends of the scale. You will see some people implying you are offering this unrelated young man a space in your home until he is 18 kick him out afterwards and give him a piece of bread max a day with locked drawers for the rest of “your” family. Shocking as it may seem, some people really do think this way, it is their normality, I have read some examples of these ways of thinking in these very forums, and despaired for those children. Others will be on the other extreme, anything for the kids, and dont put yourself first for a few years now. Where you are on the scale might have to do with your character, your own relationships in the family and culture you grew up with, your current feelings towards your DP/DH, your feelings towards the step child and your resources. I am on the put your kids first extreme, but that’s just me, and I grew up in a culture where needs of children come first, have a great relationship with my DH and love all my kids. Lock your cupboards kind of thing is very alien to me and the first time I read about in MN here. To be clear I am not saying OP is in this category, OP sounds considerate and has already said she loves her step child, which is wonderful.

So my take on this is OP needs to suck up, because a) the mum and dad want it to be this way and OP herself isn’t really contributing financially to the school fees directly. b) OP cannot guarantee a loss of performance, adverse mental health effects, you just can’t. "Mine moved to state and had no problems" is just not an argument in this context. and c) This step child has suffered trauma. and this is the one stable thing in his life at the moment. Again, "oh mine made friends in no time, best if he finds locals" is not an argument, you can’t guarantee this.

One other thing is bugging me a bit. OP said she wouldn’t mind if there was a local private as long as she didnt have to pay for it. But also said my own child wouldn’t go and that would make her sad. So maybe there are some background issues there - maybe OP doesnt agree with private schooling, or is feeling that not being an option for her child is unfair. (it should be an option though, given if travel is taken out of the equation the kid can indeed go to a local private as it was not an issue before and nothing changed beyond that. Also by the time this child grows the other will be school age so you wont have to send two at the same time.) Long post. Anyway. I think OP has left so we are just arguing amongst ourselves here...

And yet we keep hearing how OP should have known the future when she got with her DP? 🤔
Nobody knows the future, they know what's happening right now and can see a little bit further down the road.
They can be expected to adjust to the new reality for the benefit of the whole family.

CwmYoy, Isn’t that just the point: his parents are deciding what’s best for him in their view if the boy and the finances etc, and OP disagrees.

I disagree she made a commitment to the child upon entering into a serious relationship and having a family with the father.

She is now a primary carer alongside her partner who has full time custody of the child.

The mother is largely not involved due to unknown reasons.

An equal footing means meeting the needs of everyone, and that in turn means prioritising those who are particularly vulnerable i.e. who have a greater need. Which is something that often changes over time.

As to whether they can afford this school as a family unit, I think there are a few different avenues to consider before taking away something that is providing important consistency. If that fails, then clearly it's a different situation.

Obviously SK can't stay in private school. You can't afford it (and if Labour gets in, factor in an extra ~15%), it's having an adverse effect on the rest of the family and it's taking 3 hours out of your day to go there and back twice a day. 4 more years of this situation is clearly unsustainable and the earlier they move the more settled they will be.