To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

You are all being unreasonable, the child is in year 8 and shouldn’t be being uprooted. The financial implication of a private grammar school should have been more thought out before sending him. Also the drive is just that, it won’t last forever it’s another four years. Your child will want to see friends etc at weekends and running them round is what you should be doing as a parent/ step parent.

OP might not be at work but she is on SMP and states her financial contributions are how they manage currently.

they can’t afford to send DSS to private school and that’s that. It’s a luxury that is out of their reach now. Lots of children have left private schools for the same reason.

why are you giving his mother money to pay the school bill? Surely as DSS is with you, it flips and she gives you maintenance and you pay the school bill. It wouldn’t surprise me if you are paying much more than half or that she is keeping some of it still.

He needs to move schools and that’s the only thing that makes sense. You can’t be on the breadline to fund private school. That’s just ridiculous. And it won’t stop at the end of school because presumably he will then want to go to university-which isn’t cheap and he might not get a full loan. DD doesn’t even get enough to cover her rent and we have to make it up.

Doesn't the mother ever see him or have him to stay? Can't she come and collect him for some of the school runs or at least the weekend activities?

I agree he needs to change schools though.

I don't think she's come across terribly at all. Yes, it's a difficult situation and ultimately if they can't afford it or make some kind of changes as suggested, then yes it is unsustainable. But honestly if you take on a stepchild, they're part of the family and their needs have to be particularly prioritised when there is already trauma there.

Of course as a mother or stepmother you don't have to be '"martyr", but parenthood is essentially reconfiguring your priorities and if necessary your lifestyle, so that all children have what they need. At the moment what the stepchild needs is STABILITY, big time. That doesn't mean there's no room for anyone else's needs or wants, but you start with that reality and work it round from there. You don't start from "what about my hobbies/time/disposable income" etc. Ultimately this is a short-term problem, yes it's four years but it's not a life sentence, and many many parents do make sacrifices. The idea that it's unfair because this isn't OP's child so why should she be contributing if it gets difficult, is exactly why so many 'blended families' end up failing and causing more pain for everyone involved. I think a robust approach to spelling that out is entirely fair, and it's up to the OP what she takes on board.

@Lm678853

Says who?!

spending all your time driving to and from school and to extracurricular activities is a choice. You don’t have to do that in order to be a good parent

OP

Whilst you as family are considering options please talk to your stepchild re GCSE options and what they are interested in

Some subjects they may have become passionate about may not be available in another school.

Have they set their heart on Photography and Classics which they can do at their current school but may not be available at another school nearer you

Have they been learning German since age 4 at their current school only to move schools and find that school does French and Spanish.

@LuckySantangelo35

Not really, one of my kids is disabled so I have to prioritise paying for extracurricular/physical therapy/tuition and so forth for them.

Lovely for you to LOL about that.

I do swim but we all go together and have a family membership. And we go walking, but again as a family. It’s all very child based.

This is why I can’t understand why other parents can’t step up and do what needs doing for the benefit of the children.

When you marry someone who already has children, you make a commitment to those children as well, and they shouldn’t be treated any differently than biological children in the marriage.

If the boy is pulled out of private education and then ends up with lesser educational attainment, mental health issues or whatever else, the OP will be the villain. And she will have to deal with the fallout for likely much longer than the 4-6yrs of schooling left. It could create a bigger problem with more expense.

That’s just the way I see it.

If you can’t afford it you should pull him out before he goes into Year 9 when he’s taken his options. It’s important he puts down roots where he’s living now and gets to make new friends locally.

Obviously it’s my opinion as the poster asked for opinions. Hmmm I disagree uprooting a child for reasons that should have been thought about before making a choice of a secondary school isn’t good parenting. Driving a child to school, to visit friends and participating in extra curriculum activities will all enhance the child’s life.

Have to say I agree with Muddybooties last post. It shouldn’t fall to the stepson to make all the adjustments to accommodate a situation not of his making. His mum and Dad seem to feel that too. Has OP asked DP why he and his son’s mother are keen not to move him and continue trying to meet the fees? It seems they have reasons which, as the boy’s parents, deserve respect - even if they involve a commute.

Where has the OP said what about my hobbies/disposable income? There’s been a lot of making stuff up on this thread that I can see and @Muddybooties has been involved in that. It’s evident to an outsider that she is projecting. And to suggest the OPnis ‘whining’ about not having hobbies when she’s done nothing of the sort is terrible to me.

This thread has been twisted all which ways To suit posters. It’s bonkers.

Clearly @Muddybooties is responding to posters who are throwing in "but what about your hobbies" to OP. It's fair enough to then point out that actually when you take on a child, whether your own or someone else's, things like that take a back seat for a while if necessary. Nobody is suggesting OP has said that, and nobody's saying she shouldn't have her own stuff that's important to her.

Well we will have to agree to disagree on this one, because that’s exactly how it reads to me from that poster, and many others. This thread is bloody awful

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 all they need to do is say the boy is resident with Mum, he will get full grant and everything.

Even if he doesn’t, he can stay at home (saving the amount of full grant in rent), he can still get a loan for fees, he will have some Uni support even if reduced, a part time job during term time, full time over hols…

Once the private school fees are done they are home free.

What’s so “awful” about suggesting that stability for the 13 year old should be the touchstone here? I agree the hobby discussion is a red herring; but that’s not really anyone’s main thrust as I read it. It’s about whether the boy’s parents should continue trying to keep the boy in his current school if they both feel it is best - which apparently they both do at this time. Or should OP’s feeling that it’s inconvenient override that?

That's an interesting take.
From reading this board and my own experience as a SM, I think many blended families fail because of unrealistic expectations.
Namely what you just mentioned about OP being expected to pay up for the good of the family, but not have any real say in what she's paying for because she's not the parent.
And the expectation that a step child should take priority over her own child is also going to lead nowhere good. The baby didn't choose any of this shambles.

In terms of what’s best for the child maybe the long commute, likely alienation from the community he’ll actually be living in and financial stress are not worth it. A fresh start at a good enough local school leading to better connection with his new home place and hopefully friendships and ease with a local peer group and extra money to pay for tuition if necessary, more spare time, less financial and other stress for the family could be just what he needs.

“OPs feeling that it’s inconvenient” - another one putting words in her mouth. Did you miss where she said they’re struggling financially? That’s not bloody ‘inconvenient’. They clearly can’t afford it at current, so whilst I think there are lots of options they can explore before removing the child yes, to suggest the OP is saying this due to it being ‘inconvenient’ to her is not fair. Some people just want to batter the OP and make her out to be a terrible stepmother rather than give her constructive advice.

@ProvincialLady1

exactly this! ⬆️

you’re being unrealistic- OP is a person not a saint.

@UsernameCreater

As another poster already responded, I was responding to others saying about the importance of hobbies for OP.

My take on it is that prioritisation of hobbies over children’s needs, especially when the child is vulnerable and traumatised, is ludicrous.

Sometimes for periods of time you have to put your own wants and needs on the back burner, that is parenting.

From what I can read of OP, she is a new Mum and it’s overwhelming (totally normal, we have all been there), maternity leave is tough and everyone is skint during it, it gets better!!

Her DP (as I now realise after rereading, not DH), has become stressed and difficult to live with as a result of mainly being the only driver for the SC.

Now MNers, I ask you this, in what household have you ever heard of one parent abdicating responsibility for transporting one of the DC completely placing all responsibility on the other parent…. Answer none.

I realise OP that you found the driving and ferrying around of a teenager stressful, but that is part of parenting a teen and really any child from about year 3 onwards; it’s quite driving intensive between school runs and everything else. (Our school run is 35 mins by the way, but we are due to move closer shortly).

The overall arch of this is that OP was happy to have a baby with DP when he was a weekend Dad twice a month with lesser financial commitment. But now, as she said herself, she has to “tolerate” the situation of having SC full time and accommodating their needs. And doesn’t want to (hence the abdication of driving duty and pushing for the state school, against the parents wishes, to make her life easier).

Again, this is my take on it. Others may have different views.

Usernamecreator, The commute has been pinpointed as inconvenient by OP. But many do that sort of commute for work or school. You are correct that OP has asked for advice. Everyone’s will be different but it is valid advice that being the one to agitate against it will cause resentment when the parents are still trying to afford and manage it - which will only replace one type of family tension with another.

@Morriet I think you have a DP problem.

you say - DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together.

I think you need to reframe this and tell your DP ‘we have two children but you spend almost all your spare time and a disproportionate amount of family money on only one of them. That’s not fair to your other child, or on me. And it’s not sustainable.’

I think the baby is just fine. But it's interesting how you immediately put the interests of the two children in opposition to one another, which kind of underlines my point about blended families. But yes it probably is unrealistic to expect someone to put their stepchild on a truly equal footing in most cases, which is why it often doesn't work out.

I think if both your DP and the child’s mother want to keep him there for now you have your answer don’t you? There must be some reason they feel this sacrifice is worth it, especially given it sounds as though his mother was not easily able to make her contribution.

And yet she was able to use all her maintenance on the luxury of private school. Supposedly, she didn’t need any of it for day to day living! She is now saving the money from no longer having DC living with her but has not offered any maintenance to OPs DP. There is also another cost that was never factored in which is the travel cost of £400 per month that simply did not exist before, that nobody anticipated when this school was decided on.

@Muddybooties

“Sometimes for periods of time you have to put your own wants and needs on the back burner, that is parenting.”

for four years though?! Op has to put herself on the back burner for 4 years?! For something that isn’t actually a need? Nah, don’t think so.