To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Poor dss. His mum and dad decide to send him to a private school then his dad decides to have another baby and can't afford the fees anymore.

Life is too short to spend so much time driving to and fro.
Things change, put the whole family unit first and move school. Year 8 is a better year to move.

Save money save time, save stress, spend more time together.

The mother isn't contributing to his upkeep and no longer has him living with her.

Sort it out and move forward before this makes problems in your marriage, if not already and wrecks your finances.

Poor baby.
His fathers and fathers ex girlfriends poor finances, COL and ruinous cost of fuel and transport these days, the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day and his half siblings apparently rocky home life with his mum is all being blamed on his very existence. 🙄

I think the reason there is a tendency towards protecting stepchildren’s interests is they have situations thrust upon them. It’s always a choice to join a family situation as a stepparent: eyes wide open and all that.

You say you can't do this for another four years, so I'm assuming your stepchild is a teenager already & they will be increasingly self-reliant. After what sounds like some difficult family stuff, the stepchild's friends and school must be really important to them. You mention an insane level of financial commitment but your DH wants to continue with it. I wonder if you're working, OP? It sounds as if more money would partially solve this situation. And why is moving - at least temporarily - out of the question?

@LuckySantangelo35

Mate, by the time I will have any time for hobbies I will be in my 50s!! Where is the time for faffery????

Kids have homeworks, extracurricular several days/nights of the week, birthday parties at weekend, yet more extracurricular swimming, football and rugby matches, then we have family time.

Anyone who prioritises faffing about at needlecraft or whatever over their children’s education is not prioritising the right thing.

If she chooses, she will have more than enough money when she goes back to work.

If she is whining about no money, but isn’t prepared to work, on her own head be it.

@ScribblingPixie

The only reason I can possibly think of that she is not able to move is that they are in a housing association property or similar.

If they have a good one, moving to same would be difficult, lengthy, and in some cases impossible depending on where other social housing is geographically.

Regarding the step child’s mother on low income and the mystery of how the fees on her end are getting paid. Could be bursary, the partner paying or that the kid has Sen or something and gets DLA - some parents use this to pay for private fees to make sure the kid gets better education/more attention and facilities for their needs/bullied less.

All speculation, overall OP hasn’t given enough info for anyone to help her solve this issue.

It sounds as though your dh and ex have chosen an option for their child that is beyond their means. If he is year 8, then they need to move him to another school now. He needs chance to settle in before starting GCSEs. Otherwise you'll have 4 more years of schooling to fund, and then a degree to subsidise. If your dh refuses to stop putting you under financial strain for his child then you must leave, as you are being taken advantage of.

That sounds tough all round. Have you fully explored all the options?

For example, on the travel side;

• Have you made a good effort to find out if any other children in the school live out your way which you could share lifts with or if a sufficient number arrange a bus? It isn't inconceivable that others will be travelling that far for private school.
• Does your stepson spend anytime at his mums? Could he stay Tues night and Wednesday night that way you drop him at school Tues morning and pick him up Thursday afternoon cutting out a few journeys.
• At the weekends could you ask them to limit his school social activities where possible to the weekends they spend at their mums (Assuming they spend some weekends there)? Could you help them integrate into local kids activities?
• Have you really challenged yourself about why moving isn't an option?

On the Money side:

• Have you spoken to the mum, can she definately afford her half of the fees for the remainder of school, it would be better to move them now if not than later.
• Can you speak to the school about any support.
• Can you talk to your son about at least going to look around the local schools, explain what that money would allow your family to do if it wasn't going on private school (ie holidays etc).
• I'm not sure how tight your finances have become but if it becomes entirely unaffordable and you will be going into debt to send your son to that school ultimately he will need to move schools.

So he didn’t go to private primary and has been at this school for one year and almost one term.
Mum can’t afford her half of the fees. If she split up with bf or if he gets fed up of paying, then dc would have to leave anyway.
The petrol/train cost alone has made this unaffordable for you, let alone the extra costs keeping him.

Normally Id say it would be quite cruel sending a privately educated child into a secondary with the associated posh issue etc, but I don’t really think you have a choice here. It’s not tenable for the next four years, then what happens for sixth form, so could be six years. I don’t think you have a choice here. It’s less cruel to change now than in the future, and mum not being able to afford the fees on her own, makes that a possibility anyway.

🤷‍♀️ I’d say the same to a man.

OP isn’t completely martyring herself. Sometimes there are challenges in life, you don’t just bin everything because you and your partner disagree on something.

This really isn’t a LTB.

@Mumtryingtolivethedream

Regarding the baby suffering through childhood, can we please remember the stepchild is 13 years old. Please see my previous post, paraphrased below.

If the stepchild was 6 in prep school you would have a point. But as it stands this is a short term problem over a few years, that can largely be alleviated by investigating financial support available, OP going back to work and potentially relocating.

In FOUR years the step child could be in full time work or at least a part time job. And OP will be back to work SOON to contribute more solidly towards family finances. Everyone struggles with maternity pay.

The baby needs to learn to walk and talk before being able to attend clubs and hobbies… and by the time that will be coming in majorly the step child will be an ADULT. Ditto for days out. Baby can’t go to major expensive amusements until at least a 1-1.2m tall, again age 4-6 when the step child will be 16-18yrs.

Parks are free, museums are free, soft play is cheap. Where else are you taking a toddler?!

They can put the 12k or 6k (I’m not sure of the exact costing for the fees), plus additional child care costs saved, away for the baby in 4-6yrs time when stepchild finishes school. This would give baby hmmm let’s see…Ah! Oh yes, £144,000, or £72,000 by 18 at least. Plenty to buy them a house or flat outright.

Do you see where I’m going with this…

The ideology that supporting the elder child to complete his education is somehow going to harm the younger child’s chances is flawed.

They are too far apart in age for a clash to happen, and the step child should be off to Uni on full grant by the time little one is becoming costly.

Your children don’t need to do extra curricular activities several nights a week and at the weekend if it means that you’re not getting any time to pursue your own interests. It’s obviously fine that you’ve chosen that, but it doesn’t have to be the norm.

I wouldn’t sacrifice my hobbies so my child could attend private school, unless the only state school options were really dire. The OP hasn’t mentioned that this is the case where she lives, so I assume they’re fine. Private school isn’t an option for a huge number of families, and plenty of those children still go on to achieve impressive things.

OP, it’s blindingly obvious (to me) that your step son needs to move schools. 3 hours of driving every day for you or DP is ridiculous, regardless of the cost of petrol. It should have been made clear to DSS when he moved in with you full time that unfortunately he would need to move schools as you are too far away. I wouldn’t even mention the money, because it’s clear from your posts that the time/tiredness is just as much of an issue. It’s obviously not ideal to change schools at secondary, but it does happen. It needs to be done before he starts year 9 though, really.

Hi OP, I had a similar situation when I was a kid. I went to a private school until age 13 (end of year 8). I lived with my mum and at that time we decided it was time for her (and therefore me) to move in with my step dad and step brother, I was consulted and wanted her to be happy, she’d lived alone with me since I was 5. The move meant I was 45 mins away from my school or two bus journeys that took longer. I also knew that she couldn’t afford to keep me in private education. So I finished out year 8 and then moved to the local comp for year 9 onwards. The first 2 terms were difficult while I tried to find the right group of friends but honestly it was then totally fine. I’m now 33 and have a great job and one of my best friends today is from that local comp. Honestly I think going to both has given me a social understanding that I wouldn’t otherwise have, so I’m very grateful for it now. I think you need to consider what stepchild is like socially, how confident they are to mix with new kids etc.

She is no longer entitled to that maintenance and its absolutely ludicrous to carry on paying her it ,so if she wants the child to stay in a private school she will have to find the money if not sc will have to change schools its unfair for you to be struggling financially just to keep them in a private school

Are you quite alright? You’ve come across terribly in this thread.

Both the OPs DH and her SS have both said they don’t care about him having a private education they’re just concerned about the prospect of moving schools. So this crappy diatribe of the OP ‘whining’ about ‘needlework’ over her stepsons education and not going back to work when you have no idea about her working situation or status is pretty disgusting.

Just a thought @Morriet regarding the housing situation. If you decide to not move the SC school or DH and ex refuse to do so.

You say DH is doing the school runs, which must mean he works from home or is a taxi driver or something flexible to work around this?? You don’t mention if it is your work that ties you to your current area. Nor if either of you could cope with changing jobs or would have to due to journey times/practicalities if you moved to private school area.

Lets pretend no issue with any of the above.

If you are renting

• no issue, pack up and move, you can move back to your own area when SC education is done.

If you own

• as an alternative to selling up and buying, to avoid stamp duty, solicitors fees and all that…
• rent out your home!!
• use this money to rent a, preferably cheaper, property nearer to the private school.
• then move back to your house once GCSEs and/or a levels are done, in time for your little one starting school in your area of choice.

If you are in housing association or similar

• I can see how you would be a bit stuck, perhaps there are no suitable properties to transfer to near the school, the wait lists could be impossible, they might not let you get another house if DH wage is high.
• In this case all you can do is thole the current situation and try and find avenues to more income/reduction of fees/child getting to school independently. Have you investigated if Uber is cheaper than train?? Even for the morning drop off. And if the child does have Sen and this is the reason for the choice of school, you do realise you can get taxi grants if you can show that it is the school that best fits needs etc

Just some thoughts, as you’ve given little info to go on.

You need to go visit a local school with spaces. It's no good talking about this theoretically, you need to be able to actually weigh up what is best for the welfare of the child and the whole family.
3hrs driving each day is good for no one. The child is losing an hour that could be spent on sleep, homework or just relaxing. But. If they can't get into a local school or if upon looking round it, it just wouldn't work for them then the journey might end up being worth it.

Talk to the school about bursaries and how fees have been working. They may be able to help.

The lad wouldn't be the first private school kid to move to a state school due to financial circumstances. I suppose the potential issue would be that it's an awful lot of change with the new living arrangements too, and that if he finds the move hard he might resent his dad, stepmum and sibling.

I think a sit down with him might help. The car/train journeys are eating away at his time too, the spending on fees and transport is eating away at money that could be spent on him as well as the rest of the household, the chance to make friends who live closer will be good as he will be able to meet up more frequently and with more independence.

@Muddybooties

lol so you never do anything for yourself?! Never go to the gym that kind of thing? All your time is devoted to
your kids? I can’t believe that and if it’s true that’s a very martyr type existence!

you don’t stop being a person with your own interests and hobbies etc just cos you become a mum or stepmum?

oh and OP could go back to work…but she wouldn’t be obliged to spend her salary on stepsons private school. That’s for his actual parents to sort out.

@PinkPlantCase

i think it is 🤷‍♀️
life is too short

I’m absolutely baffled at some of these responses but suppose that’s mumsnet for you!

OP - I think YANBU at ALL, and I don’t have any advice other than to sympathise - sounds like an incredibly difficult position to be in! I hope it works out for you sooner rather than later.

I appreciate the situation is hard for you but it would be cruel to move a child to a new school after much upheaval in their personal life.

There will be other transport options. My DD's school put on buses for children over an hour away from their site. This is pretty standard for most private schools. I'd look into routes on offer then drive a shorter distance to the most convenient pick up point.

As an aside, my year 8 nephew travels over an hour on two trains to get to his grammar school. It's really not unusual to children/parents to make an effort to access the best education available to them.

@UsernameCreater

Maybe I am projecting from my own experiences a bit. I didn’t move schools but did move classes and this was really quite catastrophic for me. Today we have one DC who is not vulnerable, not by way of circumstance (like OP’s SC), but medical need. Due to that we have had to move to a very expensive area for a good school and made a lot of sacrifice.

It irks me that when a child has been through so much trauma, and is obviously vulnerable, that a main care giver would put so little effort into trying to maintain their stability (schooling as is).

Maybe op hasn’t stood back from the situation but to my mind there are still a plethora of options and things that would help. And realistically EVERYONE struggles financially over maternity as savings are whittled down and things should be a lot better for her when maternity is over and she goes back to work 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️.

Options

• financial assistance from school for the payment of fees, travel grant, or delayed payment of fees.
• investigation of the ex relative to if the fee money is really being paid to the school.
• getting the ex to pay maintenance or investigating benefit entitlement of DH for SC
• get child benefit paid to DH
• reassess the situation post maternity to see if it is more workable financially
• consider moving house, even via renting for a few years
• see if other relatives or school friends closer to school would be prepared to house SC even 1-2 nights a week
• car shares to reduce the number of journeys

There’s a lot to work through before ruling out the private school and causing upheaval for a child that has been through so much.

OP doesn’t say her stepchild didn’t go to private primary.
OP hasn’t mentioned how long her stepchild has been at private school.

He/ she could have been there for a year or 9years, we don’t know.
However OP does say all their friends are at that school.
Thus suggests that they have been there for a lot more than a year.
But we don’t know for sure