To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Logged in just to comment to say you are totally NOT being unreasonable!!! I cannot believe the way step parents are expected to give up everything to meet the needs of their step children. Move house?! Why on earth should she?! It’s CLEARLY the best solution for the family as a whole for him to join the local school, and also best for him in the long term as he will have more independence as he gets older. What about when hes 16 and starts doing social activities in the evening, will OP be expected to do an hour and a half round trip at 11pm on a Saturday?!

Does he have any interests? Eg football. Just thinking perhaps then you could encourage him to join a local team and build some friendships BEFORE he moves, this could help with the transition. Kids are resilient, and this idea that all children who’s parents have split up and found another partner should be treated differently to any other children is totally toxic.

I think you’re stuck with it, at least for now. If you pull him out you will be the wicked stepmother who deprived your step child of a private education and pulled him away from his friends. Also, if the boy‘s mother is on a low income but she’s still managing to scrimp and pay half of the school fees, then you’d be villianised by her too for making a decision against her clear wishes.

I think your choices have already been laid out by other posters but I’d certainly be looking into all of them, especially moving (temporarily at least) closer to the school. In a couple of years your son could either stay with his mother a few nights (even if her situation is chaotic, he will be largely able to look after himself by then) and then eventually learn to drive himself. He may also choose to move after GCSEs.

In the meantime, I wonder if your husband and son could find lodgings in a room near the son and they stay there Monday to Wednesday. I know that cuts down family time but, as you’ve already mentioned, you aren’t seeing much of your husband during the week anyway.

For your stepson meeting with his friends, you could encourage him to stays over at the friend’s house on, say, a Thursday. That will cut out 2 commutes at least and avoid having to make another journey at the weekend.

Good luck.

Have you looked at other options, like seeing if anyone else could carpool there with him so you'd drop there kids one day and vice versa? So you'd have to do it less often or someone who maybe travels that way for work you can offer them money towards petrol? Or see if one of his friends parents would be willing to have him overnight one day a week so it's less travel, and you can offer them something less than petrol? Also worth checking out. Unless you've checked out all the options this child's had everything uprooted from them, and I think it's worth exploring what's possible and even asking them if they have any ideas as they might before you make another huge change to their lives.

This is NOT a step child or blended family problem. The problem is that even with you all pulling together the fees and distance are crippling you all.

You need to live within your means, honestly, you cannot sacrifice the whole (two) families to provide private education you cannot afford to a single child.

There are people saying that this would be cruel for the child, which is a thought you can afford to have when you have money to continue this nonsense. He won’t be the only one, many children leave private education when the fees go up in key stage 2 and 3, he will adapt to a new school near to where he lives, he may even love it as he will be able to fit better with his peers and have more contact with them living nearby. It is not fun for a child to be surrounded by rich kids when his families cannot afford to provide anything more than the school fees and are living on beans on toast just to keep this nonsense going.

My parents forced this situation on us and we resented them for putting us in this situation. My older sibling and I were bullied in the school for anything ranging from not wearing the brands that were fashionable to not going to the “right” ballet school, my younger sister coped better as being the golden child my mother kept her on style but it was clear that she was so embarrassed about our family being “not that rich” (we were definitely not poor) that she even pretended our parent were strangers when she bumped with other kids from school.

It's perfectly possible to move in year 8 and in fact I did due to parents relocating. I was bitterly sad about leaving my friends but I made new ones.

HOWEVER this school is the DSS's only stability during what sounds like a pretty traumatic time so I would be doing everything possible to facilitate him staying, which it sounds like the OP is trying to do. It's a horrendous decision.

Many children with additional needs and looked after children get a taxi to school far away. I imagine the pricing and availability of regular taxi contracts varies enormously by area, but it might well be cheaper than the train, and the saving in time might make it worthwhile.

Does this need to go back to court as circumstances have changed enormously?

4 years in the life of a parent flys by. From a teens perspective it is very slow. I think you just need to suck it up and get on with it for the child's sake. They have already had the upheaval of leaving mums house and whatever went on to lead to that. To take them away from their school and friends would be awful. Moving from private to comp could also be too big a change for him. His education could suffer and I agree with the above post that he could be seen as the posh kid and be more vulnerable to be bullying. Being a teenager is hard enough without all that additional stress.

@Pareny

what did you do for your 4 children?

@Muddybooties

you’ve talked all about the baby there. But what about OP? Money for her hobbies etc? Or do you think that as a parent she should sacrifice any such frivolity?

YABU but only because you’re considering leaving over this. Yes this sounds like a difficult circumstance but it really sounds like you’d just be throwing all your toys out of the pram because you aren’t getting your own way. This is a short term problem, the solution to this isn’t breaking up the family.

It’s sad that your DH, your relationship and family life don’t mean more to you.

Sent them all to private schools and ran them here, there and everywhere to all their sports and activities. Money and time well spent without doubt. We're not rich by any means but I do have a very supportive husband.

A lot of those expenses are what the child’s mother was paying previously. Money which she is now not paying and is therefore saving.

So she CAN afford to pay your husband maintenance, and she SHOULD be.

Apologies, you are right. I’ve read OPs posts again and realise that is what she said. I must have got my idea that it was otherwise from other posters.

Were you a SAHM or did you / DP
drive the kids there and then go to work?

Because the long drive on top of work clearly isn’t working for the DH, he’s exhausted and taking out the anger on OP.

@Morriet I can see how this is a stressful situation for you and seems unfair in many ways.

But… if you take him out of private school now, then it’s likely to have a huge knock on effect to his entire life. Firstly he’s used to the school and to leave would be disruptive. A local comp is a very different environment to a private school and this would likely take him a while to settle in his crucial academic years. Secondly, it’s four years to go, why waste the years already paid for it he can’t finish? I think you need to put up with it, it’s not that long to go.

I am not sure why your child can’t go to private school though? If your DP is paying half the fees already for his son, and his son will finish school soon, then he could continue that and you could pay half too towards your child surely?

It is an assumption that a lot of posters have made with no evidence whatsoever. They are 18 miles apart, possibly 2 towns, that could easily take 45 minutes by car, longer by bus and no direct rail route. Perfectly doable for a commute; not so good for driving there and back twice a day and facilitating someone’s social life at the weekend.

I think DCS needs to move school. Now would be a good time in Y8 before options. I know it’s not ideal for him, but otherwise the strain on you and DP is going to reach crisis point over the next 4 years of DCS’s school life. Also as he gets older and wants to do things with his friends at the weekends that is going to be really difficult if he lives a long way from them all, and it could be quite isolating for him. I appreciate he doesn’t want to change schools and clearly he has had a lot of change recently. I would continue to give him a private education though and find a school nearby.

Probably you are not rich by any means for the mere reason of paying private school fees x 4 😁

How much is that these days? £120,000 in total? Many families would consider themselves rich if they had that amount to spare without ending up living under a bridge.

@PinkPlantCase

absolutely! You’re so right!! As a woman if you’re not willing to completely martyr yourself for your family you clearly don’t give a shit about them!

We both work FT, I work way beyond FT hours. Both in senior positions

I’m sorry that this is having such a big toll on you and your family.

You said that your husband needs to pay maintenance ‘by law’ to his ex. However this was based on your SC living with their mother, and as their living arrangements have changed and your SC will remain with you permanently this means that the maintenance arrangements also NEED to change. What the maintenance money was used for is irrelevant.

Your husband needs to contact SC’s school to explain the change in his living arrangements (which they may already be aware of). And tell them he is taking over responsibility for the school fees. He will then be able to find out the EXACT cost for this, whether any bursaries are already being provided or whether he can now apply for any. Bursaries might be available due to your SC change in living arrangements and I expect the school will be any to provide financial/emotional support to allow your SC to continue at that school. Maybe you could car share with another nearby parent? Ot they might have a school bus that collects pupils from a local town?

Regarding maintenance payments, this MUST be reassessed based on the current living arrangements. Even on a low income I’d be surprised if your husbands ex-wive doesn’t need to pay anything.

It sounds like SC has had a lot of change and if they want to stay at the school I would support that (providing that their are burseries to help with the costs). It sounds like you’ve got a great relationship with your SC.

Finally are you certain your husband is being honest to you about his finances? Is there a reason he doesn’t want to get an official reassessment of the maintenance payment? Does he still feel responsible for his ex? As it seems like the maintenance is more likely to support her lifestyle rather than pay for the school fees.

I know these are difficult conversations but these are needed for your family in the longer term. Best of luck.

30 pages in...................................

Have you actually done a spreadsheet exercise of finances and time with your DH to show how unsustainable this is?

I’ve not read the entire thread but I have read all the OPs posts.

the answer Is, of course they should leave private school. No one can afford to send them there , it is miles away and it’s really just ridiculous all round.

his mum and your DH have screwed up royally here and if you can’t afford to send your kid too then no one should be going now!

on this board, you’ll always find that people think that step kids are more important than anyone else in families and step mums should move and get jobs and other batshit stuff to support a kid that isn’t theirs. Because otherwise, she’s a massive bitch. ( golden uterus mum can fuck up all she likes but it with NEVER be her fault!)

get the kid out, give notice now. Local school , less travel , less stress, more friendship groups locally. Much much better all round. If your DH can’t see that he is favourite his older child in this and making his ex more important than you then you need to be having a strong conversation about what this means longer term for you.

I think if both your DP and the child’s mother want to keep him there for now you have your answer don’t you? There must be some reason they feel this sacrifice is worth it, especially given it sounds as though his mother was not easily able to make her contribution. There has been a lot of talk about what is convenient, but families have to suffer inconvenience all the time: I know plenty of families with long commutes or other sacrifices because they feel it is what is right for the children involved. Things don’t seem to have been easy for your stepson by the sound of it. It’s not his fault the school where he is settled is distant from where you live. Let him hang on to something in his environment which sounds to have been disrupted at most other levels- presumably that’s what your DP is feeling too. When you join a family you take on its needs and inconveniences. I would caution against being the stepmom who agitated for a path different from that which your DP and stepson’s mum want for him. If it’s genuinely not affordable or doable they will have to face that eventually.

Apologies if anyone has already posted this and apologies if I am misunderstanding.

From what I gather the 2 main options for getting to school are:

• Your partner drives 45 mins there and then 45 min back. So 90 min driving in morning, 90 min driving in afternoon.
• The child gets a 90 train in morning, 90 min train in afternoon.

So the driving saves the child 90 mins journey each daytime but costs your partner 180 mins? That seems pointless. Why is your step child's time more valuable than your partner's?

Have you thought about giving the option of staying at the school, but has to get train every day and see if your step child wants to go with that? Assuming that would be an affordable option for you. Not sure if train will cost more than fuel etc.

It honestly sounds like you're going to end up separating if this continues and then it's unlikely your stepchild would be able to stay in that school anyway.

@Pareny

lol you are rich to afford school fees for four kids