To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

No
he pays his half only. For some bizarre reason that has not been explained he pays it to his ex wife then she pays it to the school,
His ex wife pays the other half straight to the school.

It makes sense for one person to pay the bill, most people pay school fees by direct debit.

Situation sounds unsustainable, and private school fees are only going to go up.

I'd switch him to the local state school at the end of this school year.

I think a lot of MN react weirdly as soon as the word "step child" appears on a thread. It seems to encourage a lot of projection. There's the tendency to feel like any child who is a step child is being put-upon and treated badly. And a lot of "This child is traumatized and you need to make it up to them, by treating them in a way that nobody would actually treat their own biological child."

I'm sorry, but if my (biological) children were in this situation (unaffordable school, ridiculous commute), they would be switching schools.

The bizarre thing is not that they don’t pay separately but that dh son lives with dh. So the main carer.
You would think ex wife gives money to dh then he pays….very wierd, obviously a hang over from prior arrangement ……. each to their own.

No indication that they live in the middle of nowhere or that they moved away from DSS, only that exW is unreliable and made a decision to spend the maintenance on a private school.

It sounds like a very frustrating and stressful situation for everyone involved. What's most important to yourself isn't going to match up to DPs priorities, which is natural and that's where it gets messy.
I would say the default should be to try everything possible to keep DSC in their current situation as long as possible. High school age is a very vulnerable age for mental health and stability, he's already had a huge change to move so far away from his friends and move out of his mums house and getting a new sibling. To change his school and pull him away from his friends would be a massive extra toll on him. As well as this he's gonna see it that his school and his friends aren't important enough for the effort or money now he's had to move in with his dad. Of course it's not as black and white as that but that's how he might see it.
If DP doesn't want to pull him out of that school and nor does his mum, ultimately the decision is made. A decision was made by DSC parents and they committed to it, the commitment can't just stop because it's harder. If it was impossible then sure. But kids are worth the hard work and the long travelling and everything else.
I would look into what help you can get, when DSC is older he can bike halfway or even more, I used to ride my bike to school about 10 miles away.
It sounds like you all need to find a new arrangement for the situation involving payments and everything else. Blended families can be tricky, but when you take on a SC you should always be prepared it might be full time one day.

I would move closer to school. Sell the current house and move closer.
If you dont want to sell, can you rent it out and rent something closer?
I think this could save your family, there is already resentment. It would make your life so much easier. Moving now it wouldnt be too noticeable for your youngest and would make your life so much easier. Find a place near the school and make it home. Also could you both work from home if it is not already the case?

The longer you leave it the crueller it will be. He can start Year 9 in a different school much easier then 10 or 11.

Moving schools can be very disruptive for a child. Add to that what sounds like a complicated relationship with their mother it could all be too much.

Most private schools have transport so I’d look into that.

4 years isn’t all that long and it’s the most important part of a child’s schooling (GCSEs and alevels). They’ll likely achieve much more if they stay where they are.

But the mother is not be entitled to any maintenance now the child does not live with her.
Previously when she was, she could jave spent it anyway she wanted and she spent it on the fees.

4 years NOT THAT LONG?

Seriously? Would you do 4 hour a day commute to work, every day?

We're talking about 4 years of endless commutes, family that is falling apart because they are stressed and tired and can't afford it!!!
Staying in this school when the OP is gonna divorce/leave her partner as they constantly argue and he is insufferable also knowing the money is running out, eventually forcing the kid out of the school anyways when sht s* hits the fan and they will have to leave the school regardless later.

It would be much easier for them to join a new school in y8 than in y11.

i'm sure you realise houses near good schools are often a lot more expensive than elsewhere. OP also mentioned moving is not in the cards, so not a great piece of advice, unless you want to sponsor their moving. Also (reality check for you) not everyone can work from home either, at all. Life is nice for some!

Also could you both work from home if it is not already the case?

Eyeroll.

Working from home full time is really bad for long term career prospects. And I say that as someone who does it (But I am the second earner so it doesn't matter so much). Compromising on career, buying a more expensive property AND shelling out big bucks on schools fees? Come on. The kid needs to move, this isn't feasible any more.

@Wouldyouguess where I live in Surrey a hour journey to private school is normal. They all tend to have extensive school transport networks so parents don’t have to do the journey

I have a 1hr 30 commute to work; it’s fine

I can’t afford it at the moment but sincerely hope I can afford private school at secondary. My son will use the transport.

Given that the kid is almost certainly going to have to move at some point anyway, better to grasp the nettle before GCSE work starts.

This is a situation where adults have made bad choices and the child has to suffer the consequences. I can understand your DH’s point of view as your step son has already had enough upheaval and change in his life. If it isn’t sustainable financially then he will have to move schools. I know you explained why you call his contribution to the school fees maintenance but as your DH thinks his son should stay at the school you really can’t justify calling it maintenance any more.

In many respects YANBU, but it's a horrid situation for everyone, someone (or multiple people) lose in every scenario. Usually I would say always put the needs of the child first, so child stays in the private school, and the audits needs to find a way to make it work. But it seems like this situation isn't sustainable, it doesn't sound like you can afford the fees for 4 more years, and the toll on your home life and relationship is significant. The least worst option seems to be for your SC to move to the local comprehensive, as was agreed when they moved to live with you full time, but you'd better do it soon. Tbh I would not be impressed with DH that they've changed their mind, and I would not at all be impressed with continuing to fund the private school fees with my contribution to the family pot. I really wouldn't be surprised if this unfortunately leads to divorce if it continues. Hopefully DH will see that, but some kind of marriage counselling is maybe in order. It's best not to threaten divorce or OP will forever be the baddie who make SC change schools, but hopefully through the help of counselling, DH will come to that conclusion himself.

That's sad all round: no winners here. Is the local comp your only option?
As other posters have said check out every hardship fund, at school or otherwise you can access, look for car shares with other people travelling to the area, limit his social visits to every other weekend or make them take a turn to visit you.
Is it worth asking his closest friends to host him during the week?
In any event get him to the point where he's meeting people locally ASAP and getting to make friends locally because no matter what happens he'll need that lifeline. And remember it's not for ever. If you have to make cutbacks for 4yrs then just do it.

To people saying the drive isn’t manageable. IT IS.

My children have had a 45-60 min commute to school their whole school lives and we have driven them there and back every single day without dying, imploding or the world ending. Eldest is year 11, youngest year 6.

Private schools are open much longer hours (generally 7.45am to 6pm) which also allows you to work in between and if you go early, you’ll generally miss the traffic. It clearly IS doable, albeit not ideal, as Dad has been doing it and still holding down his job.

As an aside, when my child was 2 we had very little, did loads of free things and it was my favourite time of our family life. Your 2 year old isn’t missing out.

It sounds like she gets a bursary to pay the fees. I say this as a single parent myself with children in private. I pay it all but if mine went to their dads, I can imagine he'd really try and make the giant commute work for fear of upsetting them. I think change schools but make it clear that this is the only option if the child and mum don't get on.

Are there grandparents or other family/family friends he could stay with during the week (close to private school) reducing transport costs for now?
In the meantime could you see if there is a local scout troup/sports/drama club (or some other hobby) that he could join to meet local kids that way he would have friends at the local school?
Alternatively could they do dog walking to earn spending money some of which could go on petrol /train tickets if meeting old friends at weekend (whilst journey to train station takes long time at rush hour I would hope it is faster during the weekends).

I think your only options are moving school or moving house. There will be a way to move house, there will be a short term financial penalty, but it would be better for everyone's quality of life if moving school is not going to happen.

@Morriet , I think DP needs to stop paying fees to the mum and have a relationship directly with the school, he can then take advantage of any bursaries (which the mum may already be doing!).

I'm coming from the perspective of having a child in private school and having to make serious decisions without the complications of a broken relationship, we made the decision in more stable financial times and it was doable, however with the cost of living crisis, our mortgage likely to go up significantly next year on renewal and the liklihood of a new government putting 20% + on the cost of the fees, plus the significant costs of sending your child there in terms of uniform, sports kits, school trips etc we know it is going to be unaffordable and are looking at other options now. Many other parents are also in the same boat and there has been a rush in enquiries to good local schools - so even without the complications of the commute time and costs, realistically if the school was on your doorstep would you be able to afford it going forward, maybe this is the scenario to put to your OH,

Also the mum is paying half the fees and may already be taking advantage of a bursary discount, if he looks to her for maintenance after taking over all costs he may get less than what she is paying the school and they may be in a worse financial position

There is obviously no easy answer to this! In the meantime are there any local clubs, teams, activities at the weekend to help your step- child settle in and make new friends? A school change would be less daunting if s/he already knew people.