To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Stop paying "maintenance" for staters and pay the school directly. It's likely SC is getting a bursary and you are paying the mum more than your half of fees.

how does someone who cant afford to give maintenance pay private school fees

i thin she hiding her money

your dp is not being practical here this cant go on long term

Private schools usually offer a bus service for children who live with about an hours drive of school. That would be my first option. That drive for your partner is not manageable.

I can't really fathom how people can't grasp the concept that something is unaffordable. It makes no sense to struggle financially for the sake of sending a child to private school, especially if you're looking at potentially being in this situation for another 5 years

My neighbour pays £7,000pa, per child, for hers. Insane, if you ask me. Also around 45mins by car, roughly an hour by bus.

I’ve been assuming family money/inheritance/grandparents pay, something like that?

She could be doing that and not working at all.

The thing is , she is paying half the school fees. Same as the father was before.

YANBU
It's not a sustainable situation for you and I would give it a deadline through the end of this year, 31st December:

Stepchild goes back to live with their mum who lives near the school and deals with the travel arrangements,

or

Stepchild goes to a state school near you

If neither option is picked, then you will be exiting the marriage and he can pay you maintenance as well to look after your joint child.

I think you're going to have to be very firm about this, OP. This situation is not sustainable logistically, emotionally or financially for you and your family. And you can see it's taking it's toll on both of you. So your marriage will likely not survive if it continues, so draw the line sooner rather than later.

I think it’s an admirable thing for the mother to actually spend the money on the child. Would it be better if she’s just kept it for herself?

Why so we need the rest of the details?

Bus fares to private schools are astronomical. Ds used to take it but when dd3 also had to take the bus we had to find other means to get there. It was about 10 miles each way so ds decided to cycle. Dd3 took the bus for one term and then dh took her ( ds does not get on with his df) in the car. Covid struck so obviously no transportation issues then. When they went back ds continued to cycle and dd went by car. Petrol prices went up so she started to use local bus which was much cheaper than school bus. Then that bus company decided to scrap the route! So dd is back with the car. ( ds now at uni)

Obviously the private school looks good on CV & collage applications so to leave now would be a big of a waste
not necessarily - if universities are committed to a more diverse intake then going to private school won’t be an advantage in terms of applications

She’s paying half the school fees from the maintenance the DP is giving her despite the DC no longer living with her. Therefore the DP is paying all the school fees but in a convoluted way.

No he’s not!

He’s paying exactly the same as he always has, which is half the fees.

He doesn’t pay her half the fees and then pay the school directly the other half!

He’s paying the mum maintenance for a child that does not live with her. She uses that money to pay half the school fees. Therefore he is paying both halves.

Even if they stay in that school for gcse can you start looking more locally for state 6th form colleges or schools for A levels. At that age a young person should be self motivated and not need private education to do well. Many state 6 firm colleges are really good

Either the child goes to a school near you or goes back to live with the mother. I think I would leave if I was faced with four more years of this.

No!

He was paying the mum maintenance.
She used that to pay half the fees and then paid the rest herself.

He now continues to pay half the fees to the ex but this is no longer legally required. It is not maintenance at all.

The father is just choosing to continue to pay for the child to remain in private school.

This is what is upsetting the OP so much, because (with now additional transport costs) it is causing the OP financial woes.

It can be a disadvantage to have gone to private school when applying for university. Many institutions are committed to widening participation and will demand higher grades of privately educated applicants

Your DH is being stubborn & unrealistic. The school fees & location of the school is making DSS staying there unsustainable. In all likelihood school fees will increase in 2024 making it even more expensive.

Your DH & DSS are not considering that 1. The child will be the "poor" kid at private school, unable to attend school trips/other paid activities. That's difficult for children and may alienate the very friendships they are trying to maintain

1. There a LOT of school left - 4 years!
2. DSS friends now live so far away that's any weeknight socialising/activities are impossible due to the common age. As you mentioned weekend or school holiday socialising is awkward & expensive reliant or lifts or expensive trains. Very different from having school friends nearby
3. As DSS has increased homework & exams study time will become even more important. How is there time for this within long commutes. DSS is likely to be tired & have low concentration

The sooner DSS moves school the better, he can start making local friends and becoming part of the community. I'm not sure when fees will hand paid until but if it's day until the end of December perhaps look to get him into some local clubs and social groups over the coming weeks. Do you and DH have friends or acquaintances with kids of a similar age you can introduce?

@HeckyPeck

This is melodramatic.

In FOUR years the step child could be in full time work or at least a part time job. And OP will be back to work soon to contribute more solidly towards family finances.

The baby needs to learn to walk and talk before being able to attend clubs and hobbies… and by the time they will be coming in majorly the step child will be an ADULT. Ditto for days out. Baby can’t go to major expensive amusements until at least a 1-1.2m tall, again age 4-6 when the step child will be 16-18yrs.

Parks are free, museums are free, soft play is cheap. Where else are you taking a toddler?!

They can put the 12k or 6k… I’m not sure which paying for the fees, plus additional child care saved from the store child reaching adulthood, away for the baby in 4-6yrs time. This would give baby hmmm let’s see, ah! Oh yes £144,000, or £72,000 by 18 at least. Plenty to buy them a house or flat outright.

Do you see where I’m going with this…

The ideology that supporting the elder child to complete his education is somehow going to harm the younger child’s chances is flawed.

They are too far apart for a clash to happen, and the step child should be off to Uni on full grant by the time little one is becoming costly.

But it is about her, as circumstances have changed the ss is now with them full time and the arrangement doesn't work financially or logistically its having a negative effect on the whole family the younger child will suffer as all his fathers time and money is being put in to his first child there needs to be a reevaluation of the circumstances you can't keep doing something that isnt working

Have you actually read OP’s posts? They’re down to pennies in their bank accounts after paying the maintenance/school fees and transport costs, to the point the H is stressed and in a foul mood.

And you’re talking about DSS getting a part time job in 4 years?! What 16yo contributes to family finances when they’re doing A levels? Unbelievable.

Firstly you say that the mother is on low income, what is your version of low income as private school fees are fairly big. She originally was able to pay half of the fees plus the child’s living cost. You say she can’t afford maintenance but she must be to pay a small amount as she is now technically better of each month.
I think taking the child out of school when they have already had a massive upheaval is very unfair. Have you even asked this child how they are feeling? I don’t agree with having to drive them for their social life both days of the weekend, perhaps just agree on one? But maybe your husband is feeling some level of guilt for the difficult time the child has had? It’s also not the step child you can’t afford it’s the second child you chose to have with someone who already had one.

It’s also not the step child you can’t afford it’s the second child you chose to have with someone who already had one.

It’s not OP’s job to finance DSS’s private school education.

She has said she would be fine with DSS attending a local private school as long as DH and ex can afford the fees themselves and don’t expect her to help.

And it seems clear that DH and ex can no longer afford it. That’s not OP’s problem to solve.

Long thread , may have missed something but are you basically living in the middle of nowhere, and your DP made that decision, knowing that he was moving a long way from his child. The child who used to walk to school from his mums ? Why did he move so far away? Was there no way he could stay closer?

No they don’t.
They can offer access places to those who live in deprived areas where very few go to university.
to improve diversity.
to students who are the first in their family to attend
and so on

Access places come with lower grade offers and there is a limit on numbers

They do not raise grades for some who go to certain schools ie private, grammar, home schooling etc
They lower grades for others who fit the very limited criteria.