To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

So prep school was only 2 years ? or do you mean age 7
usually
prep sch age 7-13
senior sch age 13 - 18 ( or 16 )

Some have age 11 entry which allows generally for those moving from state.

Ive never heard of a 2 year prep though.

It could be that OPs stepchild is last year of prep or first year of senior. ?

@Krystall
You were making sense.
Having children with scholarships and bursaries at two different schools and having looked at others I understand how the system works. There is no way a child with two, albeit separated, alive and involved parents would get a bursary without both parents having to give huge amounts of personal and financial information.

Tbh I doubt a school would accept a child with two involved parents if they weren’t both on board. Which makes me wonder whether it was solely the mother who made the decision in the first place.

Dd3 is at private school ( year 11) but if we'd have had to move her to state school I'm sure she would have been fine - but not the local one where the people she went to primary with go as they would make lots of comments. Otherwise a state school in a new area wouldn't normally be a problem.

Rubbish.
Not all kids from state schools are bullying assholes, and not all private school students are meek and studious.

Perhaps a compromise is a more local, high performing state school. Which do exist.

At the schools that ours have attended a single parent ( where the other parent is dead or disappeared ) wouldn’t necessarily get a bursary, they are no different from a low income couple.
If circumstances change and the kid has been at the school for a long time they can be considered for a bursary. It’s not guaranteed and depends if there’s anything in the fund. This accounts for reduced income etc.
Children who’ve lost a parent get priority if they’ve been at the school a while.

Most of the bursaries in one of our schools went to teachers kids
In the other school there were only a few bursaries for children of the armed forces, teachers kids and long term students who’d lost a parent.

Scholarships were available but limited. Some of the scholarships had no financial benefit.

Fault lies with your husband. This situation cannot continue. End of.

This is a dreadful situation. The child must move schools - it is not the worst thing that could happen - I think it is ultimatum time for your DP

No the prep school started from year 3 (age 7) but there weren't that many in the years up to year 7. Bursaries were only available from year 7 so that's why my ds started then.

Last year of prep I'd imagine but ds was a day boy at a boarding school, I think most non boarding schools are split more like state schools. Dd3 goes to a non boarding private school and the senior school starts in year 7.

OK
I wouldn’t know about non boarding schools. It does make sense though.

( I’m even a bit confused by the state numbering system as it’s different. I just know you add 5 and get the kids age
so year 7+5 = age 12. I think )

The mum IS paying maintenance. Half the school fees. Just as much "maintenance" your DP was paying. The shoe is one the other foot and suddenly it's not fair?
The only issue is the travel to school and friends not the cost of the child or the maintenance paid.
This is enough reason to change school. Don't complicate things and be unreasonable about child maintenance when it was fine by you when the costs were heavier on the mother's side.

I wouldn’t uproot in year 8. I would look into bursaries and school mini bus services which the private schools in this area do. Or surely there is families living near by who could share the driving with you.

How does DP have time to go to work in between a 3 hour round trip around school hours.

DSC can't continue in the private school due to time and cost. DSC may well want to stay there and DP might want to facilitate this but it's not possible so it's a no, and OP is quite right to hold this point of view

I really feel that there are questions that need to be answered before making an informed comment. For example:

1. How long has the DSC been attending the private school? (If it is linked to a Prep they may have been there for years with very longstanding friendships)
2. If the DSC "always had difficulties" living with their mother, why did they continue to live with their mother FT until a year ago, rather then spending part of the time with their DF?
3. if the DSC "always had difficulties" living with their mother, why did the DF not consider it a priority to live closer to their DC in case they were needed and to facilitate school runs etc
4. If the DSC and both of their parents agree that they should stay at current school, there must be compelling reasons for this consensus. What are those reasons?
5. All indie schools - in my experience - have an extensive network of coach transportation in various directions. Is there really no coach stop on one of these routes that the DC can be taken to, to reduce the length of the commute?

I think you need a really frank conversation where you outline that you’ve thought of leaving and what the implications of that would be for as you say he’d have to make serious changes.

My sons went to a private prep school. It was generally known you could get 10% off fees by pleading poverty without any proof. Mine went on to state grammar school at 11, along with about half a dozen of their classmates. No bullying then but it is always harder joining an established year group later.

By the time the baby is ready for school the stepchild will have left school so fees will not be an issue. The education of the stepchild should not be compromised because of the baby.
When I think what we did for our 4 children, I'm sure that a solution is possible other than stopping this child's private education.

I don't know the UK ?? child support system well enough to judge why your DH hasn't gone through an appeal/assessment process to change the payments he is making.

To my mind its quite possible his X is earning or capable or earning more, but she isn't about to disclose this, having quite a nice little set up in place. Who is to say she stops paying the fees (if she is at all and its not a bursary) and keeps the money down the track? Has stepchild been asked if they have a bursary or scholarship to work out exactly how Mum is funding her share?

I have read your posts OP, but unaware if anyone has suggested if stepchild can board local to school during the week, thus reducing the travelling expenses?

I recall you said school doesn't have boarding facilities, but is there a close family friend whose children attend same school who would be happy for stepchild to stay over during the week? A financial contribution would need to be made of course, but by the sounds of the travel expenses and time, surely this can be met?

Personally I wouldn't be uprooting the child, your DH has accepted the private school arrangement to date with only 4 important years left. But I would be making sure no more money goes to the Mother's account and go through the legal processes to formally stop this. Too many ways this can go wrong for your DH and ultimately your family funds.

Is it a until 18 school? If it has a prep and senior school the end of year 8 is a good time to move as it’s a mini natural end and others will probably move then too.

Please don’t do this.

Speak to school and try to come up with a plan to make it work. In my experience they will really try to help.

As many others have said, I’m very suspicious about how/whether mum is actually paying, however I do know the bursary process for private schools and it’s very unlikely (impossible really) that she would get one without dad also being eligible unless school believe he’s not on the scene and child doesn’t actually have a father. They look at ALL circumstances, value of both parents’ homes etc, you can’t just say that one of the parents is choosing not to fund the place. It doesn’t work like that.

It is a HUGE difference from a life of private school to a senior school comprehensive.

And then there’s the bigger issue that you seem to be ignoring which has led to this child uprooted from a mum who clearly
in the past cared and prioritised them enough to spend everything she had on their eduction to end up where she loses or gives up custody entirely. The impact of this on the child must be astounding, I can’t actually comprehend what could have broken down so severely that this became the only
option.

Aside from all of this, my genuine terror is that one day something will happen to me and my husband will be put in a position like you are putting yours. I have life insurance ring fenced for private education For my children specifically to avoid any future step parent opinion such as it being unfair on other children of the family, etc. We drive our child 45 mins each way every day and we survive. It’s actually more rare to live very locally to a private school, people travel a long way.

If you're on mat pay, things will be tight right now but you’ll be back at work soon I assume and then surely things will be less so. It’s 4 years, it’s not forever. It’s not ideal and maybe not fun but either there is an extraordinarily good reason for this new living arrangement (which has likely already traumatised the child) or you need to look at mediating them back to their mum’s house - at which point it would be a moot point and they’d be near school again.

I'm confused by this. Child maintenance is paid to the parent that the child lives with most of the time. If the child now lives with their father, why is he still paying maintenance? The mother should be paying the father maintenance.

I do think it is reallybunfair to move your step daughter now. This is a really important age in her schooling and social life. 4 years is not a long time really. It will go by in a flash. Maybe have her invite her school friends out to where you live more often to cut down on the driving at weekends.

I would move the child in a heartbeat. If they were in year 9 upwards, I'd be wavering but year 8 is a perfectly OK time to do it.

OP in your shoes I'd leave. Its a horroble sotuation for everyone involved but its not being handled. Your partner is burrying his head under the sand hoping it will get better but its only getting worse. You say DP so I'm assuming you aren't married? So severing finances shouldn't be so difficult.
You have been placed in a situation you have no control over with the promise that its temporary and that promises has now been removed. He is expecting you to sacrifice the financial stability of your and your DC's home for a child that you have no legal responsibilities too however much you love them. If you aren't ready to leave then at least demand separate finances and all household bills being split by income, that would not include HIS child's private education if he can't afford it from his income then that isn't your problem.
Do you have a family member or friend you and your baby can go stay with so you can clear your head? It sounds like you need a break from the situation.

I remember moving schools in year 3. I went from a really happy confident girl to super shy. Even worse when I went to secondary school and everyone knew me from primary as a werid shy girl. I only ever got back to normal when I was 16 started college went in a totally different area where no one knew me. Of course not every child is the same. I personally think you and your partner should go separate ways it’s so unfair for him to be making you feel like this.

The OP is being disingenuous here.

Each parent pays half the school fees each.
The OP keeps describing the father’s payment to the mother as “maintenance” but not the other way around.

While the child lived with their mother, she also paid all the living costs. (So in total paid a lot more towards her child than the father).

Now the child lives with the father, the father is paying all the living costs.

What appears to be tipping the OP/father’s finances over the edge is the cost of the transport.