To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Urgh this thread is so depressing!!

do you buy clothes for yourself Op? Or makeup? Or gym membership?

according to some posters on here, you absolutely shouldn’t!

OP why don't you call the school to ask them to send you the fee bill and then ask them to split it between the two parents?

I'm sure there are many children who have separated parents and pay the fees separately.

Don't be ignorant to other people's experience honestly. A bursary is means tested but it doesn't discriminate. I sent my daughter to a wonderful fee paying school and there were families from all different backgrounds. Good luck to you.

@16HamstersCalledThemAllDave there's no indication that they have moved away, for all we know his mother might have moved away. Sounds more likely, seeing as she hasn't created a situation where he can live with her going forward so I don't have too much sympathy for the "poor ex wife".

OP is receiving smp which is going in to the family pot so she is absolutely contributing.

Final comment on the thread.

A scholarship is awarded on merit / talent and in my school it might range between 2.5% and 30%. A bursary, whilst we might describe it as a 70% bursary, in fact we have actually worked it the other way around and are saying we believe you can afford 30% of fees and therefore bursary will make up the difference.

So if a 20% scholarship award is subsequently awarded, we are still saying that we believe you can afford 30% of fees, so the bursary funding is reduced because the need is less because scholarship funding has kicked in and we hold the parent to 30% fees each which we have assessed is affordable. This means that the means tested bursary funds can be applied to where there is the most economic need.

I feel for the child, parents split up, Mum sounds not up to being a Mum, Dad and his partner trying to change the one constant he has had, school.

if his friends are a distance that’s what parents should be helping with, it’s not his fault they are miles away as of a school that was chosen for him.

however if financially it is no longer feasible, then a mature and calm conversation is needed with Mum and son explaining you cannot afford maintenance plus costs now he is living with you.
I do feel for you, as sounds precarious.

Sorry, it’s not you, it’s me being utterly dense. I’m with you now. Thank you for taking the time to explain to me, it all makes sense. I was just genuinely interested in the workings! Thanks for your response

I don't know about all private schools but the one my daughter went to did not discriminate against single parent families. Bursaries are means tested so your child needs to pass a test in order to get that bursary. Apart from that one part she is right about the rest. I can't take her snobbery.

I have literally just said that I am not attempting to disprove every specific example and am commenting on the industry in a more general, but definitely widespread sense. Whataboutery is really tedious and can you honestly not see that I might have added genuine insight to the conversation here? Anyway, I won’t bother again.

I am truly baffled as to what you mean by “a bursary is means tested but doesn’t discriminate”. Or more specifically why you feel the need to say this. 🤷‍♀️

Have you discussed it with your step child? I don't suppose they love the long commute and if they're going to be living with you full time it would be good for them to make local friends. Otherwise you could get an agreement that they'll go to a state 6th form.

My stepchild came to live with us at the same age (sounds like a similar geographical distance involved as well). He moved school and made friends straight away, albeit not from private to state. My DC have a friend who moved from private (it closed down) and she is coping well too. I have a family member who moved to private school at the same age - they were fine too. If you cannot afford it (time and money) you need to be realistic and explain that to him and support him through the transition as much as you possibly can. You cannot live like this for another 4 years. Are there any local kids you could introduce him to? Look into what subjects local schools offer. I would suggest you sort it now before GCSEs kick in, otherwise you are tied in for at least 2 years to avoid too much disruption.

Op's opening post stated

'DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.'

My reading of this was that, as the child had always lived with their mother, the school was local to their (and therefore the DP's previous) home. I may be wrong, but then, so may you.

The priority is always the children - they have no choice in what their parents do

That's ridiculous. The mum chose to send child to private education. Something most people cannot afford across the country. How the mum saw fit to spend the money is her perrogative, I suppose. But don't blame the OP. Plus who's to say the OP had a child knowing this would be the situation?! Wish I had the same crystal ball a few of you seem to have.

Personally OP, the private education is an extravagance. If cost of living means that somehing has to give, he education would be the first thing to go. It obviously isn't working and if DP cannot see he negative impact then perhaps it is calling for more serious action.

Ensure he understands that you will no longer assume any responsibility for the travel once the date DSC was supposed to begin at state school arrives. Then if your DH wants to continue spending all that time on that commute let him get on with it. Perhaps a railcard might put a dent in the train travel costs.

Ds started prep school in year 7 and then went to the upper (senior) school in year 9. (The years were called something different but that's the state school equivalent). Years 7 and 9 were the biggest new intakes.

There could be many reasons including a work move, where they could afford, or where OP lived at the time. It’s very doable at weekends etc., every day (twice) not so much. They have obviously been very involved in his life. Either way it is irrelevant to their current situation as moving is too expensive for them.

OP has not volunteered how long DSC has been at the school . It could be from the age of 3 or younger , could be far more recently, who knows !

I cannot work out which you agree wih. That answer conflicts itself.

I can’t believe how mad this thread has got. People are making up all sorts of narratives. Stepmom is getting a real pasting yet the fact that the child is no longer able to live with the actual mum ( why? What’s happened there?) seems to be overlooked. Actual mum made the decision to sent DC to private school yet the home situation has deteriorated so badly that keeping the child at that home is impossible. Stepmom has stepped up yet is being berated.

Personally I believe that everyone has equal value within a family. The set up has to work for everyone ~ children and adults. The family unit has to work together for the best outcome. The older child should not be prioritised over the younger or the tired dad or the stressed stepmom. There is no evidence that the nearby school would be the ‘worst’ option for the child. They could thrive ( as for those posters suggesting state schools are feral ~ honestly that’s just insulting to the 85% of parents who send their children there).

I’ve said it, as have many others ~ children change schools all the time. If you show your SC they are loved and valued every day, they will be fine. Speak to them, support them, keep an eye on them and make a loving family unit together. You will only be able to do this if you reduce the travel and money stress.

Is there a scholarship you could apply for? Have you spoken to the school about the change in circumstances? I wonder if there’s any help with travel costs? If you can’t afford it, I think it’s reasonable to switch schools. I also think the travel is too much. If the child wants to see friends they may have to get a little paper round or something to finance their social life & travel. However, I think it would be a shame to love schools if the child is happy and doing well there. Obviously the private school looks good on CV & collage applications so to leave now would be a big of a waste

theresnolimits

I think the answers could vary greatly depending on the reason for the child no longer being able to stay at home with their mother.

e.g. She unfortunately has cancer is extremely ill versus she has decided to work in sales, taking her all over the country and is infrequently at home.

I don't understand the money side of things. Doesn't sound like it's adding up.

This is really hard on DSS, but I think you need to think long-term for everyone involved. He's just at the start of secondary. Lots more time left! He has essentially moved house a fair distance away and the commute to the old school isn't really workable. I moved schools (and countries) at that age and it's only now I've had a child that I wonder if it had an impact on me. I'm not really sure. I didn't love being new but then I made friends. It's lovely that everyone is trying to do the right thing for him and I hope you aren't being demonised for suggesting something that would be difficult for your DSS initially. You're just trying to figure out what's best for your family. It isn't selfish!

I guess it depends a little on how social he is, but imagine how much happier he would be if he had friends in the actual area he lives! How much more free time would he have every day? Imagine the little luxuries you could afford for the whole family! I would talk to him because while you have to make the decision, he's old enough that he'll be very angry if he isn't included in the decision . Maybe focus on your inability to pick him up when he starts wanting to go out at night... As for being the posh boy... It all depends on his confidence.

I am struggling to understand why if you live 18 miles away, the train journey from your local station takes 90 minutes.

I’m not saying it’s impossible but really wracking my brain to imagine somewhere where this could be the case.

(and I live rurally with some really shit train lines!)

It sounds completely untenable. Can you tot up what it costs in time and money per year for fees and transport? Add on 20% VAT for when Labour get in plus 10% a year for inflation and then calculate that over the next 3-5 years.
You need to give notice to the school and move him for the start of Y9, in the meantime start building up some local connections by joining some clubs etc.
15 hours a week of school runs would be a flat no from me even if you could afford it, and you can’t afford it.

I think that if the child is going to be living with you both for the foreseeable this is not sustainable. Year 8 is a good time to switch, especially as some state schools start GCSE subjects early. It might be tricky to start with but stepDC can make local friends and have much less travel time. Assuming that there are no particular issues with local comp it seems the sensible option. Otherwise you’ll be locked in until after GCSEs - another 3 and a bit years. Fees are also likely to increase in next year or so.